Sorry in advance for typos as I have my 2 year old all over me. I have been lurking for months and I'm finally ready to post.
BS and I have been together for 12 years and have 2 daughters together (11 and 2 1/2).
It started a little over 4 years ago when he hit a rough patch and instead of me working things out I had an EA for months with a guy I met online. It only turned physical once. Was I actually sorry for what I did then? No I wasn't. After Bs found out he decided to give me another chance and I cut off contact with ap.
We worked together in working things out, but after reading here we both now know we did it all wrong. We never talked about it, we rug sweept, we just ignored it like it never happened.
Fast forward to December 2013 ap contacted me via facebook and instead of ignoring and blocking him, I messaged him back. It started all over again. I was in the fog and thought old feelings of love came back, but looking back it was just the idea of it all. we made plans to meet up before he left on another tour (military),but I just couldnt go through with it. I talked with friends and shared everything that I was doing with them. By me doing that I humiliated my BS in the process. I let this person back into our lives and created a cloud that will forever be there.
In January when BS found out while going through my tablet he was crushed. He went through my Facebook messages to my friends and found it all. I got caught. I wrote to my supposed friends that I did sleep with ap and made up this elaborate romantic story. The look of pain I saw in BS face at that moment I had realized the amount of pain I caused with my betrayal. I begged him not to go and said whatever I could for him not to walk out that door. A NC letter was sent that BS wrote out for me to send. I knew of SI through a patenting forum that I frequent and decided to actually read whatever I could to help us through this.
coming here was my first step I read everything on every forum. We sat down and I gave him a full timeline from 4 years ago and now, full transparency, not once did I get angry with his questions, lines of communication were fully open. He asked for space I gave it, he wanted to talk about the affair I talked, whatever he needed I gave, I talked to him on how I can help him with his triggers and mind movies. I have and still do OWN what I have done.
The other night I brought up everything again because we hadn't talked and I could tell something was triggering him. The words he said cut deep, but that is of my own doing and I just have to work even harder to prove to him that I am remorseful. He doesnt feel special.He asked me if I didnt sleep with AP then why am I so remorseful and sorry. I told him that I am sorry that I hurt him, im sorry I let ap back I to our lives, im sorry that I tore his heart apart, im sorry for destroying our relationship. He didn't do anything to deserve what I have done. I feel shame and remorse from when I did sleep with ap from before. He said he loves me, but will always have up his gaurd for the next time I do this to him. I tried to reassure him, but I know my words are just words to him right now. I would say we are in limbo because he wants to stay, but doesnt.
I have a lot issues to work through, like my childhood, past, the need for attention and validation from others, my short comings, my failures, why I thought it was ok to do that to the man I loved. The man who has never hurt me and has been my rock. I am in IC working through this all and I am doing the hard work that needs to be done. I have read"how can I forgive you" and that has helped a lot.
Yesterday as were just sitting together he said "I love you" without me saying it first. That is the first time he has said and done this. It gave me a glimpse of hope.
is there anything more I can be doing to help him heal?