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remorsefulww posted 4/15/2014 13:51 PM

Sorry in advance for typos as I have my 2 year old all over me. I have been lurking for months and I'm finally ready to post.

BS and I have been together for 12 years and have 2 daughters together (11 and 2 1/2).

It started a little over 4 years ago when he hit a rough patch and instead of me working things out I had an EA for months with a guy I met online. It only turned physical once. Was I actually sorry for what I did then? No I wasn't. After Bs found out he decided to give me another chance and I cut off contact with ap.

We worked together in working things out, but after reading here we both now know we did it all wrong. We never talked about it, we rug sweept, we just ignored it like it never happened.

Fast forward to December 2013 ap contacted me via facebook and instead of ignoring and blocking him, I messaged him back. It started all over again. I was in the fog and thought old feelings of love came back, but looking back it was just the idea of it all. we made plans to meet up before he left on another tour (military),but I just couldnt go through with it. I talked with friends and shared everything that I was doing with them. By me doing that I humiliated my BS in the process. I let this person back into our lives and created a cloud that will forever be there.

In January when BS found out while going through my tablet he was crushed. He went through my Facebook messages to my friends and found it all. I got caught. I wrote to my supposed friends that I did sleep with ap and made up this elaborate romantic story. The look of pain I saw in BS face at that moment I had realized the amount of pain I caused with my betrayal. I begged him not to go and said whatever I could for him not to walk out that door. A NC letter was sent that BS wrote out for me to send. I knew of SI through a patenting forum that I frequent and decided to actually read whatever I could to help us through this.

coming here was my first step I read everything on every forum. We sat down and I gave him a full timeline from 4 years ago and now, full transparency, not once did I get angry with his questions, lines of communication were fully open. He asked for space I gave it, he wanted to talk about the affair I talked, whatever he needed I gave, I talked to him on how I can help him with his triggers and mind movies. I have and still do OWN what I have done.

The other night I brought up everything again because we hadn't talked and I could tell something was triggering him. The words he said cut deep, but that is of my own doing and I just have to work even harder to prove to him that I am remorseful. He doesnt feel special.He asked me if I didnt sleep with AP then why am I so remorseful and sorry. I told him that I am sorry that I hurt him, im sorry I let ap back I to our lives, im sorry that I tore his heart apart, im sorry for destroying our relationship. He didn't do anything to deserve what I have done. I feel shame and remorse from when I did sleep with ap from before. He said he loves me, but will always have up his gaurd for the next time I do this to him. I tried to reassure him, but I know my words are just words to him right now. I would say we are in limbo because he wants to stay, but doesnt.

I have a lot issues to work through, like my childhood, past, the need for attention and validation from others, my short comings, my failures, why I thought it was ok to do that to the man I loved. The man who has never hurt me and has been my rock. I am in IC working through this all and I am doing the hard work that needs to be done. I have read"how can I forgive you" and that has helped a lot.

Yesterday as were just sitting together he said "I love you" without me saying it first. That is the first time he has said and done this. It gave me a glimpse of hope.

is there anything more I can be doing to help him heal?

Skan posted 4/15/2014 18:48 PM

BS here. You've made a very good beginning, if you are telling the truth about having told him the truth. If not, correct that right away, because every time another lie comes up, you've set any hope of recovery back to a negative number and caused more damage and trauma to your BH.

I take it that you have NC'd your supposed friends who seem to have encouraged you in your A? If not, then that is a next step. From this point on, you cannot have any friends who are not friends of your marriage first.

Get used to limbo. You're going to be living there for a very long time. Your BH never really healed from your first A, and then having to process not only a second A, but one with the very same AP that you had before, the very same person that caused him such pain previously, is a deep and flowing wound. Right now, I daresay that your BH is still in shock and pretty much going on auto-pilot.

The best thing that you can do for him is to get to the bottom of why you felt that going outside of your marriage was going to do anything to help your and your BH get through your rough patch. And why, after seeing the destruction of your BH the first time, going back to your AP the second time was even possible. Figuring out your stuff and getting yourself mentally balanced will help not only you, but your BH. That and being utterly and completely honest, transparent, and nurturing of him. You just left him bleeding at the bottom of a canyon. It's your job to help staunch those wounds and assist him out of the canyon and onto stable ground again. Your actions are what are going to speak to him now. Because rightfully so, he can't trust anything that your mouth is saying.

I hope that you're up to it, not only for his sake, but for your own.

remorsefulww posted 4/16/2014 07:35 AM

Skan, thank you for replying. Yes, the friends are no longer. I am in IC trying to figure it all out and he knows absolutely everything there was no TT and thats why he's still here for the moment. I have been doing the hard work for both of us since DD and have not stopped and will not stop. I understand about him not believing me and it is my actions that will show him.

Ascendant posted 4/16/2014 09:09 AM

I'm curious, because I can't tell from your story-

Did you sleep with him? Because I see this:

It only turned physical once.
and this
I wrote to my supposed friends that I did sleep with ap and made up this elaborate romantic story.
and this
He asked me if I didnt sleep with AP then why am I so remorseful and sorry., I'm a little confused.

somethingremorse posted 4/16/2014 10:03 AM

It's good that you recognize that you cannot fix things by just trying to be faithful. We need to fix ourselves. That requires looking inside and working on the problems. The time period between A's, you weren't really "better." If you keep working, you will get to be a better person and a better partner.

Hang in there.

remorsefulww posted 4/16/2014 10:34 AM

Ascendant, I see the confusion and it happened once 4 years ago. I said that to said friends because I hyped up ap and told them I was going to sleep with him, but last minute I didn't go through with it, but I did the immature thing and lied to them and said that I did. Thats where BH statement comes in.

remorsefulww posted 4/16/2014 10:36 AM

somethingremorse, thank you. I know it's a long road ahead and I'm 100% in this for the long haul.

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