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Crazy Mil

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Butterfly7904 posted 4/15/2014 15:05 PM

So we are 15months from dday, and have been in MC since the beginning. Things have been getting progressively better with a few setbacks here and there as Im sure with anyone. For the most part we are happy. Maybe once a month (usually pms lol) I may have a breakdown or get upset thinking about details but usually it is worked out and we move on. We went to our MC appt yesterday, brought up some grievances and worked through them like usual. Mine was that my WH seems to anger quickly if I bring up the affair, or question things, he admitted he does get angry, knows it is wrong, and is trying to work on it. So I go home, he heads to work for an hour and im in my driveway when my MIL pulls up. She asks me how things are going with counselling and I tell her its going great, really helping us, etc... She then asks me if I think maybe we should be done with counselling? I said no its helping us a lot, not only with the affair but our childhoods. She then says " I think going to counselling just rehashes the affair and keeps you in a negative place" she then says that she thinks I need to move forward, stop throwing the affair in his face, and questioning things or I am going to make him leave me. I asked her where this is coming from because we are doing good? She says she can read her son well and knows he is under stress because of me! I told her I can only heal on my terms and that if he cant handle it he knows where the door is. She then gives me this gem of advice " men are like desert, live your life, raise your kids, be happy, and just be thankful for what they are able to give you on their terms" WTF!!!!!!!!!! Mind you this is coming from a woman who's husband has cheated multiple times. She said I have no reason not to trust him, I should be ashamed looking at his phone, in his truck etc... and that he never should have given me so many details because I am dwelling on them. She said her husband refused to give her details, names etc.. and it was for the better. I told her that her husband was never accountable for his affairs and that is why there were MULTIPLE. I told her I don't want a loveless marriage like they have. Me and my girls deserve more. Anyways, at the end I was crying, my husband came home and I was so grateful thinking he would put her in her place, but instead when I repeated to him what she said, she denied it, said I was twisting her words and he said I have a tendancy to do that and took her side. I am SOOOO angry. She ruined my day, my girls came out and saw me crying and it caused me to fight with my WH for NO REASON!!!UGH! Then she started telling him how unhappy she thought he was, how I need to start letting this go, and stop treating him like a child by looking at his phone etc... and of course he was soaking it all up. I told her we have a counsellor who has 28 yrs experience and who was cheated on as well, that we will listen to her and she screamed at me "well I have 40yrs experience!!!!" and drove off. Then my husband was angry at me. "she's my mom, she is trying to help us, she means no harm" I feel like I am going crazy!!! Like I am the enemy. Her whole reason for being their was to let me know that if I don't stop bringing up the affair he is going to leave me, because men can only take so much. sorry just needed to vent all this crazy

devasted30 posted 4/15/2014 15:14 PM

Mil's don't you just love them. They can be ridiculous especially when it comes to their sons. Take it with a grain of salt because as you said, she has never made her husband accountable for his actions. I guess she is one of those wives who believes that a husband is "man of the house" "ruler of the kingdom" yeah, right. I know that if my MIL was still alive, she'd skin my WS alive for cheating. Why, because her husband cheated on her. But, boy oh boy, I bet she could support me and give me some advise on how to survive this. I had a good MIL. Sorry your's isn't supportive of you and your rights. Some of them can be so blind!!!!!!

lucy17 posted 4/15/2014 15:15 PM

This is exactly why we've decided not to tell MIL.
When is the next time you see counselor. Sounds like WH needs to hear this from a professional.
I'm so sorry his mother is adding to your suffereing.
Stay strong. You are right. You have to heal on your terms and YOU get to decide what your marriage looks like.

authenticnow posted 4/15/2014 15:15 PM

Well, that is just terrible.

IMO next time your MIL brings up your marriage, you need to tell her that your marriage is not up for discussion and stop her right there.

Your H needs to tell her to mind her business, too. The two of you need to be a unified front and a team at all times.

I'm sorry you had to listen to that crap.

confused615 posted 4/15/2014 15:23 PM

Your WH needs to tell her she is to respect you and your marriage or she is no longer welcome in your lives. What she did was cruel. And that he sided with her and said you had a tendency to twist other people's words? Absolutely unacceptable.

He cheated. he wants to R? then his top priority is to keep you safe. he failed to do that with his mother.

If he won't tell her she isn't welcome..then you tell her. It is your have a right not to be ambushed in it.

1Faith posted 4/15/2014 15:40 PM


Heavy sigh. I am so sorry.

This is ridiculous. Your WH is married to YOU not to his mother.

IMO, he should of wrapped his arm around you and told his mother...

"he has hurt you so deeply that you are simply trying your best to heal and move forward. It takes time and he is grateful that you have stuck by his side through this. The process of recovery is a journey not a destination and he realizes that he is the cause of the pain you feel and he is committed to doing WHATEVER it takes to heal. Yes, it is hard to hear the same questions and relive the mistakes of his past but if that is what you need to heal then he can handle it because you have had to handle so much worse...the affair, the mind movies, the uncertainty. Thank you mother for your concern but this is about you supporting our marriage NOT about supporting me..."

it caused me to fight with my WH for NO REASON!!!

(((gently))) It caused a fight because your WH didn't stick up for you and was selfishly lapping up his mommy's affirmation.

He needs to stand up to her and let her know that her little boy messed up big time and is now trying to do what is right. To please respect you and your marriage. That he loves her but if he wants her advice (he NOT YOU) then he will ask for it.

Stay strong. Stay focused. You can do this.


Butterfly7904 posted 4/15/2014 22:28 PM

Thank you everyone for your help. It is nice to know that I am not crazy. I want sooo badly to be able to stop hurting and move on and be happy but it is a process and it takes time. My wh is going to talk to his mom and tell her to talk only to him about the affair. He gets that she is irrational and can put her in her place a lot easier than I can.

1faith: I love everything you said and that is exactly what I needed to hear him say. I read what you wrote to him and he agreed that would have been a better reaction from him but he said he was kind of blindsided walking into our conversation and reacted out of anger at the situation. Hopefully he gets it now. Thank you so much.

Neverwudaguessed posted 4/15/2014 23:41 PM

I do agree that your husband could have reacted in a far more comforting and united way to support you, especially since he is the reason that anyone was having a conversation about the state of your marriage in the first place.
However, I also know that the dynamics that have been going on for a lifetime do not just go away in an instant. I think that your counselor will be a GREAT resource for your husband to help him untangle himself and be better prepared in the future. This was an unexpected encounter and certainly caught both of you off guard. Ideally, he might have handled things far better, but if he is open to learning what needs to happen next time, and if he was willing to hear how this entire experience made you feel, including his reaction, and willing to make changes and reassure as a result, I think you can get back to the business of healing, which it sounds like you had been doing pretty well so far.

Mother's in law can be a gift or they can be a curse. Some of us are just NOT lucky in that department.

I am sorry that you had to endure this completely out of line, off base experience with your MIL. Can you say "BOUNDARY ISSUES???!!!!"

standinghere posted 4/16/2014 04:20 AM

Authenticnow has it dead to rights.

She, the MIL, needs to butt out and take her dysfunctional approach to marriage, which she and her spouse passed on to the next generation, her son, some place else.

Your husband needs to tell her that as well.

Kelany posted 4/16/2014 11:38 AM

Is it possible since he was gone for such a short time, that he asked her to come and talk to you?

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