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When talking about the kids....

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ImEnoughForMe posted 4/15/2014 16:51 PM

What am I supposed to be telling him?

He left four months ago, has visitation so he spends time with them. However during our mandated mediation regarding custody visitation he exploded to the therapist that I don't discuss the kids with him.

I'm really curious when other's here say they keep it to "kids and finances" just what do you talk about when it's on the kids subject.

He's very N. Has no empathy so I think he wants me to run interference for him so he knows how to deal with them.

Thanks in advance.

tesla posted 4/15/2014 17:15 PM

I do not coparent with ex-shat...so there isn't really a dialogue going on between us regarding Teslet. I only share with him necessary information regarding Teslet that he would not have access to. So that means if Teslet has to go to the ER, if he requires some sort of medical treatment, dates and times of appointments. He has access to the school and so can find out about those things if he so desired, so I don't bother to send him information aside from say the enrollment package.

I was trying to before...but all the work and effort was being done on my side. So I stopped and figured when he shows me he wants to actually be a coparent and not just have a lackey fill him in so he can *feel* as if he is an involved parent, then great, I'll be ready to coparent.

Guess what? I've been pretty much silent except for the absolutely necessary for six months and he has not made one attempt to involve himself or inquire. Oh wait...take that back. About a month ago, he texted me asking what I thought about Teslet taking horseback riding lessons. I gave my opinion. We had what I thought was a productive exchange that ended in my stating that I'd like to attend the first riding lesson to get comfortable with the stable and set up. That was the closest to coparenting we got because on the day of the lesson (Teslet was with his father that weekend), I show up but they don't. Didn't call the stable or me to let me know.
This told me that there was something ulterior going on here and not something that was actually to benefit Teslet. Co-parenting fail.

Anyway, in my longwinded way, I'm saying that he's going to whine about the kids thing because he probably didn't realize how much work it was and how much he relied on you to provide him with info. Oh well. He can learn to step up to the plate and inform himself and then start the dialogue...if that is what really is important to him.

SBB posted 4/15/2014 18:00 PM

^^ what she said. Communication is a two way street. Co-parenting is a two way street. I was the only one driving down that street for the longest time and all it brought me was grief.

We now parallel parent. Not ideal for the girls given we have 50/50 but it is the best I can do in the situation.

Nature_Girl posted 4/15/2014 18:38 PM

He can contact the school himself. He could ask me, too, but he never does. About anything. If the kids stay home sick from school I send him an email, but he never acknowledges it. If I have to take them to the pediatrician I send him an email before & after, but he never acknowledges it.

He talks to the kids every single day. There is very little I need to communicate to him that the kids haven't already talked about. Occasionally we need to adjust the visitation schedule, but that's something that can happen via email.

We do not talk on the phone or in person. Period. It's email or nothing. We have occasionally communicated our displeasure with each other over something that happened with the kids while in the other's care, but again, only via email.

There is no co-parenting or even parallel parenting. If we can get away with this minimal level of communication until the kids turn 18 I'd be happy.

ImEnoughForMe posted 4/15/2014 19:01 PM

Thank you!

I know it's more about him wanting info to use to look good than to realize how much *I* did.

I pretty much thought if there is a ER visit or something emergency wise of course I'd contact him. (Text only) or if our kids had a party or something during his time.

Before he left he told me that he always encourages the girls to share something with me when I'm at work. He said he'd tell them to call me. I told him that's nice, however I don't need him to do that. But he does need me to do that. Imagine that.

GreatRoleModel posted 4/16/2014 06:47 AM

His relationship with the kids is his to manage and this is so hard for them. I get accused of being a poor co parent all the time but mine are teenagers and I do not need to give daily updates, he can ask them directly and its up to them to answer. He wanted a weekly status report from me so he could have conversation starters...um NO. He lost that when he left. Also as I tell my kids I am not going to be there when they are adults so they need to learn now how to navigate their relationship with their father. I keep my communication with him about medical needs, school if there is an issue, athletic events and visitation schedule and all of this is mainly done thru text and email as I limit verbal communication to the minimum. Remember their idea of co parenting is you do as they say and to keep to the status quo as if you were still married. They still want to cake eat.

ImEnoughForMe posted 4/16/2014 07:33 AM

Thanks GreatRoleModel.

The information you share with your ex is the same as I'm thinking.

Before he left, he told me he didn't need me anymore. Of course he doesn't have the depth to know exactly what I did for him he will continue to blame me.

Now I'm putting ideas in the kids head. Typical. How about they are old enough to think your actions speak for themselves? He doesn't like that. At all.

I will continue as I have been. It's hard when I'm used to telling him how to fix it. However, what I'm realizing from the past that was only a temporary band aid. It never lasted.

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