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Newest Member: Else (61873)

User Topic: Is R possible if he is not sure? 2 weeks and 4 days from Dday
♀ 42977
Member # 42977
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, April 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We had our first MC tonight, basically asked what we wanted to get from this. He said that we wasn’t sure if he wanted R because he wan’t to know what was wrong with him that allowed this to happened. He says that he doesn’t want to ever cause me this much pain again. Thus he has to figure out way the A happened in the first place. What was wrong with him that he allowed A to happen.
Part of me respects that. The other part of me calls “bullshit”. Just an excuse to not have to flight like hell to get me back. To get us back. Just a way to make him “look” better in other peoples (family/friends) eyes. Like he is trying. But not really.

Am I wasting my time with this person? Maybe I should just cut the cord and move on. But part of me knows how much I do love. Don’t I owe it to myself to see if a life after the A is possible?

Me-BS 40
WS-38 LTA with co-worker
Together 10+ - Married almost 1 year (DDay is week before anniv)

"The desire to love someone always exceeds the desire to be loved by someone & that's exactly why we end up loving the person who doesn&

Posts: 86 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Brooklyn, NY
♀ 31217
Member # 31217
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, April 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It took fDH 18 months before he could fully R. And he worked that long to figure out he wanted me. I insisted on more counseling after we moved back in together and he got the root of it after that. He had a lot to work out!

As long as he stays motivated and keeps showing you with actions that he is invested in R, you have something to work with. Its good he can verbalize the pain he caused you, but consistently going to therapy will show you he means business. This takes time.

Are you willing to invest the time?

At one time he was a man standing on marbles. Now I am a woman standing on marble.....

We are done fighting with each other and decide to fight FOR each other.

Posts: 765 | Registered: Feb 2011
♀ 38384
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, April 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To be blunt...too soon to tell brokeninhalf.

You are so early in. You need not making any decisions. I remember a family member telling me not to make any major decisions while I was in such an emotional state. I don't know if this is good advice or poor advice but I took it and today I am glad about that.

Actions, actions, actions. Watch his actions. Do they match up with his words?

And I would suggest IC for him. That will get to the ROOT of why he made this decision. You can do MC at the same time but really, the A is for him to own and investigate.

Keep reading (both check out the Healing Library). Keep posting.

Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 3439 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
♀ 35758
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 8:54 PM, April 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would not make any major decisions right now.

I would also suggest IC for you. It really helps to talk with someone and to work through all your emotions and feelings. It will get you strong. He needs to figure the A stuff out, true. But you do not need to sit around and wait. You can start working on yourself, healing yourself.

Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."

Posts: 2038 | Registered: Jun 2012
Topic Posts: 4

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