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Newest Member: SadDadOf3 (46038)

User Topic: Did you have to fight for the truth?
cannibal
♂ 40560
Member # 40560
Default  Posted: 1:23 AM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did and still feel like I haven't got enough of it. I uncovered the A, seperated, brought her back under false pretenses, and went months before I was 100% sure of om identity.
Today she is transparent about the present and we are working on our communication. We have read Not Just Friends and are in the process of reading Hold Me Tight.There are just so many things I would like to know about our past though. We are seeing a mc and trying to create a plan for the future, but we haven't really touched on the past. Is this what I should expect from a mc?
I have brought up going to fwf's old job to spend store points. There are a few reasons why I would like to go. Number one is to see how fwf would react if she seen om. Number 2 I love to get free stuff. Finally this used to be my favorite store. I would like to get reacquainted with it and remove the stigmatism from it. Fwf is opposed to this and it bothers me that she is. Should I let it go? It's only a slight chance we would run into om.

[This message edited by cannibal at 1:26 AM, April 16th, 2014 (Wednesday)]


Me: BF 35 Her: FWF 35 dss: 17
D-day: 06/06/04. Ons
D-day: 02/28/13. length of A: 4+ months
Seperation after dday
Moved back in 6/20/13
Broke n/c: 07/24/13
Together since: 02/05/02

Posts: 95 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: cannibal
karmahappens
♀ 35846
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you want to reclaim this store then I think you should.

I don't know about trying to bump into the AP to get her reaction, if she isn't honest and knows she may bump into him then I would think she would be able to control her reaction.

Ultimately R is about the 2 of you working together to get through this trauma. I don't get a feeling that you are there...or should I say I get the feeling that you don't think she is there.

If you need answers, about your life, your past, you deserve them. She needs to be 100% behind your healing and that means answering all questions.

I would have a hard time being in R and having to let anything go that I felt would aid in my recovery.

Be true to what you need, you deserve to know your truth, this is your life.

(((hugs)))


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3872 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
GoodFaith
♂ 28249
Member # 28249
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh yes. Tooth and nail. For years!

She still has not admitted much and sounds much like your wgf. But that is all too common with cheating liars.

I am sorry you are here cannibal (btw I hope that your moniker is a reference you're wgf).

You may have to find another mc. One that isn't afraid of the hard part - confronting the past. Unfortunately many mc's will take the easy route if you let them.

There are two primary aspects for the repair of a broken relationship. Forgiveness and reconciliation.

Forgiveness is a choice that is completely on the victim. You must decide whether to forgive. But you can forgive someone and still not like them. Forgiveness releases the victim from holding onto the pain.

Reconciliation is the process of rebuilding trust in a relationship and is almost completely on the perpetrator. The full name of the process is "Truth and Reconciliation". It has been used to great success in South Africa and Rwanda for horrible crimes of violence.

Notice that Truth comes first. The perpetrators have to admit the truth, show remorse and do the slow work it takes to rebuild trust.

If your wgf isn't willing to do the work then I suggest she isn't wife material. Good riddance.

On the topic of Home Depot or Pro Bass it's a tough question. While it's good to want to reclaim that store it's generally not recommended to put a fws in a position to break nc. You should not be bothered that she doesn't want to chance seeing him. It could just as easily mean that she is disgusted by her A and doesn't want to be reminded.

I'd say don't push it - besides your first issue of basic trust and reconciliation is far more important. That will decide your future together.

Good luck to you cannibal.



BH (me) 51
FWW (CSA)44
3 Kids 17-23
DDay1 - 01/08/08 finaly found proof but still denied all.
DD2 31/08/2009 admited 4 cheats - one total stranger
DD3 20/01/2010 admitted 3 more

Posts: 311 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Ontario
MailServer
♀ 40502
Member # 40502
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am still fighting for the truth. After 2 years and multiple ddays, I'm still fighting for the truth.

I'm tired of fighting for it. I have no energy or love left to create a plan for OUR future.

Uncle.


BS/Me (58)
WH (58) 3 years behind my back. EA & PA
OW (57) Old high school friend
1 Adult Child
DDay: August 26 2012
5 Ddays since then.
The 5th was a total Nuclear Meltdown
Reconciling. Sort of. It's not him. It's me.

Posts: 118 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: East of the Grape Vine
sisoon
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, man! Yu want to force your SO to break NC? You want to reintroduce her to the drug again? That doesn't sound like a good thing to do at all. JMO, of course.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10758 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
cannibal
♂ 40560
Member # 40560
Default  Posted: 1:36 AM, April 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for everyone's responses. I'm sorry to see so many that have had to fight to find out the truth. It seems to me that it would be much harder to fix everything if they never are able to speak without lies and omissions. I wonder what the difference in success rates is between those with repentant spouses who go above and beyond to repair the damages and those who only give the bare minimum? I'm sure there are cases of success and failure in both situations.
To answer goodfaith we are currently engaged. I know I could leave at any point, but I have known from day one I was getting into a relationship with a flawed person. Hell we are all flawed people. The reason why we are not married now has to do with this fact. I know from reading other people's post on here that many of you would not be in the relationship with your significant other if you were not married when this happened. I can completely understand that point of view.This is no easy undertaking. I love my partner and weather or not we stay together is not as important to me as knowing she will be able to weather the storms of life and dss will be brought up in a manner that heuunderstands the difference between right and wrong. Even in all the chaos that his life has been and the terrible role models his biological parents have been he has and will have a strong morale sense of being and great set of values.I spoke to my aunt tonight and she was talking about a purpose drivin life and how that is what will make one happy. Well for now I feel this is my purpose and fwf my partner.
On an off note I received a voice mail from some girl who was trying to contact her ap. She said she had left her toys under his bed but hid them so the wife couldn't find them and she would see him at lunch. I've thought about sending her a message and letting her know how destructive her behavior is and send her a link here or suggest Not Just Friends or something. What do you think?


Me: BF 35 Her: FWF 35 dss: 17
D-day: 06/06/04. Ons
D-day: 02/28/13. length of A: 4+ months
Seperation after dday
Moved back in 6/20/13
Broke n/c: 07/24/13
Together since: 02/05/02

Posts: 95 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: cannibal
GoodFaith
♂ 28249
Member # 28249
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Cannibal

1. I totally a respect your decision to stick with it. Love and family are a strong bond that supersedes a marriage certificate.

2. On your follow-up - I'd try to forward the v-mail to the ap's wife. She has a right to know.

Good luck to you.


BH (me) 51
FWW (CSA)44
3 Kids 17-23
DDay1 - 01/08/08 finaly found proof but still denied all.
DD2 31/08/2009 admited 4 cheats - one total stranger
DD3 20/01/2010 admitted 3 more

Posts: 311 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Ontario
cannibal
♂ 40560
Member # 40560
Default  Posted: 4:55 AM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks good faith for the support. As for the voice mail. I have no idea who the woman is nor do I know any other players in the game. I did send a text to her letting her know the damage that she is doing, gave her a link to here and suggested a few books. Other than that there's not much more I feel I can do for them.


Me: BF 35 Her: FWF 35 dss: 17
D-day: 06/06/04. Ons
D-day: 02/28/13. length of A: 4+ months
Seperation after dday
Moved back in 6/20/13
Broke n/c: 07/24/13
Together since: 02/05/02

Posts: 95 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: cannibal
Topic Posts: 8

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