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Really triggering today :-(

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Mumof3 posted 4/16/2014 02:20 AM

Gosh, this rollercoaster. It's awful.

Two days ago I actually registered how good/calm I felt and how well we are doing in R.

Yesterday it hit me/us like a tonne of bricks. We were in a situation where we could have potentially bumped into OW, we didn't but we could have done. DH went into a panic and started getting so anxious in case we saw her. His words are that he hopes he never sees her again in his life. I tried to support him in this and seemed able to as I'm getting stronger but then bam!! It hit me - why did he feel scared to see her? Was it because he loves her and can't handle these feelings? Is he scared he can't see her and not want to reignite the A??? Then it hit me - could it be that he has broken NC and that's why he's scared of seeing her - because she could tell me that he's been in touch with her?!!! The anxiety and panic washed over me - I was trying to support him in his own anxiety but then thinking - hang on a minute what if he's lying to me about why he's scared of seeing her - after all he's lied to me before (on and off for a long time) so how can I trust he's telling me the truth now?!!

R had been going well and then suddenly I plumet into an anxious wreck.

Managed to express to DH about how I felt, he reassured me. Felt better but next day (today) I've woken up with this terrible residual anxious feeling which often happens for days after a trigger..

Any words would be gratefully received. Just wanna lie in bed and think today - but I know this is the wrong thing to do..

x x x

[This message edited by Mumof3 at 2:24 AM, April 16th (Wednesday)]

karmahappens posted 4/16/2014 03:01 AM

Triggers suck, they just do.

Good for you for letting him know your feelings.

All you can do during the difficult times is turn towards each other for the support and strength to keep on going.

Funny thing is, once you do bump into her and deal with it you will be surprised how well the 2 of you can handle it.

Take some extra time for yourself this morning. Remember how far you have come and how willing your husband is to talk about his feelings and listen to yours.

The triggers eventually go away, but they are definitely a huge dip on the coaster ride.


Neverwudaguessed posted 4/16/2014 08:52 AM

It is So unnerving; I know what you mean. We had to move our boat from winter storage to our mooring last weekend, and as we pulled up (our mooring is right in front of the town dock), I felt as if we were on display for her, knowing that she lurks around there ALL the time, hoping for a glimpse of him. I shared this with him and he reminded me that we will be fine, no matter what happens. We are together and she is NO threat. Then, after we had just gotten hoe, my friend called me to ask if I was down there. Apparently the OW posted on her FB page that she was down there. It shook me for the entire day, and I have been a little unsettled since.

Karmahappens is right though. When you do see her, you will both get through it and it will strengthen you because you were able to lean on each other while going through such a delicate situation. And, then you also remember that it is your husband that she wanted and didn't get because he realized his mistake and is working on his marriage and life with the woman that he loves: YOU!!!

confused615 posted 4/16/2014 08:56 AM

Why was he starting to panic at the thought of seeing her? Did he explain it to you?

Morhurt posted 4/16/2014 11:42 AM

I had a very similar experience yesterday. My H was a bit frustrated as he left for work and triggered me to pre-DDay, when we buried our feelings and I never really knew what was going on with him. I reached out via text (which was also triggery and very hard) and he came home to be with me. All of a sudden I realized that he was going to A town that day (where he does sales calls, two APs were clients) and I freaked thinking that he intentionally left the house unhappy so he could feel less guilty about whatever sick plans he had for the day. I was sobbing so hard I couldn't talk to tell him.

Once I calmed a bit and told him he reassured me and I felt a bit more peace. But the residual anxiety is hanging on, I had a terrible sleep and am now tired and cranky. :(

I too had days last week when I felt so "good" that it almost scared me. Ahhhh, the roller coaster.

You're not alone, that's for sure! And thank you for reminding me that I'm not alone either.

Mumof3 posted 4/16/2014 20:14 PM

Thanks for your replies sooooo much!

Karmahappens I reckon you are right... We have a few days now (I am away on a business trip with DH) where we could bump into OW and if I see someone in the distance who looks remotely like her I start to panic but if we DID see her of course we would be ok. In a way it could be good if we did to confront the fear (although I don't want to!) We actually have already seen her post D day (7 weeks after) and it was horrible but we stuck together like glue and both felt afterwards (days afterwards) that we had benefited from seeing her and showing our solidarity.

Morhurt - a couple of things from your post were very interesting to me as I can relate to them a lot. Firstly, your DH being frustrated on the morning triggering you - I totally get this!! This has been a big problem for me since D day (or actually once the shock wore off post Dday) as if my DH is frustrated/cross/anxious about anything I trigger. During the A he was much more stressed and angry (he's not now but of course sometimes he gets anxious/angry/frustrated) Sometimes I think its because he is plotting something (like you and I both did the other day) but sometimes it's almost undefined what my actually thought process is, just the whole reminder of his state of mind makes me trigger and I go into a panic. This caused problems for me as I was and still do try to make it so his life has nothing in it that could possibly stress him. Totally unrealistic obviously!!!! Like I would find myself trying desperately to keep the kids calm in case they disturbed him, trying to make sure he wouldn't loose items or be late.

What is helping me a bit with this is recognising what I am doing and why and catching myself doing it and then thinking "oh i'm doing that again'. It is getting easier.

The other thing morthan is the whole texting thing being a trigger. I struggle if I use whatsapp and see my husband is "online" as this was how I found out about the affair and confronted him (when I saw he was online chatting to OW whilst at work).

By the way, later in the day yesterday I completely calmed down and felt much better. I had a nice day with my kids and DH when he came back to the hotel from work.

Hopefully today will be a brighter day for all of us.

x x x x

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