SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Softcentre posted 4/16/2014 03:05 AM

Following on from Nekorb's thread, what things do you do now, that you didn't do when you were together?

Here's some of mine:

- Buy tablemats that didn't have flowers or boats. The Arse had funny rules about small things. I spent over a decade having to choose tablemats (because he wouldn't) that I didn't like (because he'd look disgusted if I bought something outside of his rule, and would mention it is a disparaging jokey, but not a joke, kind of way). Now I have funky scandanavian ones that I love.

- Buy buy white furniture. The Arse liked dark wood furniture, or failing that, pine. And all in the mock antique style. I like white or light wood furniture that helps our small UK houses look bigger. I like simple, clean lines.He took the worst bits with him. I had to buy cheap Ikeareplacements, but I'm so much happier with what I have now.

- Have my pictures/paintings hanging on the wall. The Arse had definite taste in art. Not my taste. Yet his taste always seemed to trump mine and my painting were not allowed up in the lounge, but relegated to dark corners upstairs...or hidden in the loft (attic). First thing I did when he left was to hang up my pictures in the lounge

- Get up when I wake up. He got funny with me if I got up before he did. I used to stay in bed waiting for him to wake up. This could be for hours....mainly because he stayed up late, waiting for me to sleep so he could text his OW and wank to hardcore porn

- Talk about my feelings and the children's feelings. We now have a much bigger range than: sad, happy, mad.

- Have dinner when the children are hungry and bed when they are tired, rather than waiting an hour past both to share it with The Arse

Bluebird26 posted 4/16/2014 03:19 AM

In rebellion when he first left I went out brought new bed linen on his credit card that was pink and green and had flowers and butterflies just to spite him as all our linen had to be masculine. Now pink and floral is not my favourite things but it felt bloody good doing it at the time

Softcentre posted 4/16/2014 03:30 AM

Yes! I chucked all of the navy blue masculine bedding into a bin bag for him to take later,and bought neutral coloured feminine bedding.

Oh and bought some heart ornaments for around the house (never allowed girly things before)

SBB posted 4/16/2014 03:57 AM

Candles. I have candles everywhere.

And I eat home made rice pudding whenever I like. He hated the look of it.

Joy. I have joy in my home. No-one hungover or trying to 'work' (he worked at home a lot because he wasn't working at work) or watch TV instead of spending time with his family. He has set a TV up in the girls room at his house and uses it as a babysitter most of the time. They are glued to it over there - hardly going out. We go out all the time - they help me make dinner even though they have the option of TV for 20 mins instead.

Laughter - same as the above.

Love - same as the above.

Silliness - it is a quirk of mine that my little girls share. I love getting silly with them.

No beers clogging up my fridge - no zillions of beer bottles to take out to the recycling bin. No Coca Cola on my shopping list either. My girls see me drink water and love drinking it themselves.

Softcentre posted 4/16/2014 04:17 AM

I eat home made rice pudding whenever I like. He hated the look of it.

Love this!

renee21 posted 4/16/2014 06:15 AM

I'm still in early stages, but I plan on buying whatever girlie bedding I want and bedroom furniture I like.

we go to Disney now and ride all the rides without world war III, the day goes smoothly and we have fun. We are going to hit the beach and enjoy that too.

No more beer in the house or exploded in my freezer. No more hour long lectures or pissed off silent teenagers. They talk to me and carry a conversation with me when we go out to dinner.

He wasn't all bad but he didn't know how to deal with the older two without being a total hard ass and it alienated them from us.

hexed posted 4/16/2014 07:57 AM

Its been a long time since I've told this story and I used to tell it all the time.

Before I moved out but had just kicked him into the guest room, in a fit of rage I threw the matress out the 2nd story window onto the front lawn. That was followed by the whole bed frame.

I took the truck, drove to Pottery Barn, Spent way too much on a frame. I cried until the sales girl gave me the floor model b/c they didn't have it in back stock. I was not a woman to be dismissed that day. I went next and bought a matress and finished with lovely sheets.

I hauled it all upstairs by myself. Put it together and moved his crap into the guest room. He was out of the master by the time he got home from work.

The neighbors had a lot of raised eyebrows. I got an awesome room

Lola2kids posted 4/16/2014 07:57 AM

No more lap top on the sofa table.
No more lump on the sofa on the computer and watching TV at the same time.
No more piles of paper lying around everywhere.
I have everything that I can email or ebill.
No more work shirt on the banister in the living room.
No more parents (his) living in the basement and looking down their noses at me.

More dinners when we get home and no waiting for him to get there.
We talk during dinner instead of reading the paper or a magazine while eating.

We leave on time since we don't have to wait for someone to "take a dump".

I have celery in my fridge and actually can put it in recipes that call for it again.

No open wine bottles on the counter or wine rings on the furniture.

I can keep my soft drinks in the fridge and actually drink 1 per day without him sneering at me that I am drinking "sugar water". Um, they are diet drinks and I know they are not "healthy" but I only have 1 per day as opposed to his bottle of wine per day.

No more whiskey in the house.

Arrange my bedroom to my taste and bought purple sheets and covers. Love it!!

Only have to do laundry once a week (2-3 loads).

on and on and on.

Sad in AZ posted 4/16/2014 08:23 AM

I bought Ikea furniture. The X hated it, but I love the clean lines. The bed is the most comfortable one I've ever slept in and my couch is slouchy and comfortable too.

The X was the one who liked frou-frou stuff; I'm more 'streamlined'

Williesmom posted 4/16/2014 08:34 AM

I was only allowed to get takeout 1 night per week, which was inevitably.... Monday!

Now, I rarely cook. If I'm home, I just don't eat.

After WXH left, I got an awesome King sized bed. The dogs and I love it.

When I was married, he drove a $50,000+ vehicle, while mine didn't even have cruise control. He worked from home and I had an hour commute. Now, I have a really nice car.

Weekends used to be consumed with working at Wxh's business. Now, I do whatever I want: yoga, walk the dogs, read.

It's really a wonderful life.

betrayedidiot posted 4/16/2014 09:13 AM

I bought new linens, and like others said, they were my taste not his. I leave my makeup all over the counter (something he hated). Mostly, I just enjoy the freedom. I get to come and go as I please. And DD and I go out to eat all the time. He always expected me to cook dinner. Also its nice to watch what I want on tv and Netflicks.

Must Survive posted 4/16/2014 11:40 AM

I have such a long list!

I know longer have to eat meat with every meal

I can have a dinner of celery, sweet peppers and a hard boiled egg

I don't have to go to bed when he does (10pm on the dot)

I can use candles, he thought they were a waste

I have discovered I like decorating. I love what I have done with my home. And its more beachy, not girly or as he liked "cheap hand me downs"

I know longer have to hear about his favorite football team and how "we" lost a game. I always wondered where our paycheck was if he was playing!

I no longer have to hear all the stupid get rich quick business ideas of his that will never pencil out. I know that he tried starting a very competitive/costly business last year. Just told his son it was not working out and would have to sell his inventory!

I no longer have to wait until he has energy to do something. I enjoy doing things.

I don't have to walk through the grocery store watching a man under 50 years old, over 6 feet tall lean on a grocery cart as he walked with it.

I know longer have to hear how hard it is to do fix it projects, weed etc. Not only is it not hard, its damn easy. I didn't realize I didn't need him.

I no longer have to hear him complain how his feet hurt, even though all he would have to do would be buy a good pair of boots, instead he was too cheap even though he could afford them.

I no longer have to have a "pissing contest" with him everytime I tried to talk to him about a problem I had with my business or family. He would ALWAYS turn it around about how hard his day/life was.

I am going to stop now. Feels good but its someone else's turn.

Pass posted 4/16/2014 12:24 PM

As I said in Nekorb's thread, I have music playing ALL the time now. The only time it isn't on is when one of the kids or I are playing an instrument. –-"I need some peace and quiet."

I go out to play music at least two nights per week. "I'm going out that night, so you need to take care of the kids."

I don't even own a tv, so no more ridiculous decorating shows. "I like to see what I could do to this house if I ever had any money."

I don't have to take the kids from the house for hours at a time to avoid her shitty moods. "I don't get any time alone all week like you do."

On the weekends, we sleep in as late as we want. "You're teaching the kids to be lazy!"

We eat a whole bag of cookies with our movie every Saturday night. "You'll all get fat."

I have posters on the wall, and leopard-skin lampshades. I know the lampshades are ugly, but they're not fucking BEIGE. "I like neutrals."

The boys and I have fantastic discussions about music, sex, religion, and politics while we prepare supper together. "They don't understand most of what you said" and "When are they going to help me with MY jobs?"

I live in an apartment now, so no more shovelling, mowing, weeding, gardening, raking, and vacuuming only takes ten minutes! "Rent is just throwing your money away when you could be earning equity."

I know I'll think of about a dozen more as soon as I hit the Submit button.

[This message edited by Pass at 12:27 PM, April 16th, 2014 (Wednesday)]

hope2014 posted 4/16/2014 13:09 PM

Like others, I play music lots of music all the time. Since there is no one there to criticize what I'm listening to.

I also have started running.

I bought a case of only white wine.

I rearranged furniture and hung pictures.

Due to several appliances breaking around the time of the separation, I also bought a new flat screen TV, new washer/dryer, laptop, Apple TV, and toaster.

Tripletrouble posted 4/16/2014 20:38 PM

I redid my master bedroom into my bedding and decor of choice, and took over the entire closet. I have to be up very early for work, so no more tip toeing around in the dark - I turn on the light and turn on my music. When the kids are with the ex I eat something like an avocado for dinner. My TV is hardly ever on. I have air fresheners in the scents I like. I make spending choices I alone am responsible for.

tesla posted 4/16/2014 21:08 PM

I repainted every room of the house in my colors. I bought rugs with *gasp* eclectic patterns bordering on flowery.

I bought an ikea chair.

Also bought my first ever brand new car in *my* favorite color and I didn't have to listen to his whining about how the seats hurt his back. (Oh and that goes for the ikea chair too.)

I listen to my music. As loud as I want. Teslet and I dance crazy throughout the house and we don't care.

I speak my mind and don't give a shit what others think.

I do my job and don't seek co-dependent validation.

I have a savings account.

I run faster than I've run in 15 years.

Damn--this list just put me in a ridiculously good mood!

tryingagain74 posted 4/16/2014 21:24 PM

Oh my. Where do I start?

I save a great deal of money because it's not being spent on extreme home improvements. I have a modest little house, and I like it that way.

I enjoy my TV watching after the kids go to bed without a shred of guilt. When we were together, he thought I watched too much TV. I watch about 6-8 hours per week. What he really meant was, "You're supposed to drop everything and have sex with me, not collapse in an exhausted heap in front of the TV even though I did very little to help you!"

I have a social life. No one is calling me after I've been gone for an hour, wondering when I'll be home. When he has the kids, I can relax and spend time with friends and family.

I'm singing again. Similar to the previous point, I can carry on with a hobby outside of the house without him resenting that he has to "watch" the kids (never mind that they are his children as well, and I never crabbed about him going off to pursue his interests).

I enjoy my lovely bed that doesn't smell like his unwashed hair.

I also created a much more feminine bedroom for myself with light colors that are calming. Our previous bedrooms were very masculine and uninviting. My current bedroom is very welcoming and cozy.

When I buy my next car, it will be the one that I like-- not whatever suits him.

I could go on for ages...

Klove posted 4/17/2014 06:56 AM

I love LOVE this thread!

-eat mushrooms and put mushrooms in spaghetti sauce and on pizza. I remember grilling a portobello for a burger and he was so repulsed I couldn't enjoy it.

-listening to rap or top 40 music. I have a very wide taste in music. While I love seeing Indie or alternative music live, I also enjoy boogieing around the house or in the car to top 40 stuff. And my kids like it. He always shat on it and basically wouldn't let us listen to it if he was around. He was so snobby about only indie music.

-napping- god help me if I ever took a nap or went to be early! To him it was the epitome of lazy. On a rainy Sat. I love to curl up with a book and maybe fall asleep.

- not eating meat with every meal

-cooking what I want to eat

- reading. Stbxwh never read- always watched tv before bed. I like to read before bed.

- turning off tv when I want to sleep. Stbxwh would get so grumpy if I wanted him to turn off the tv while I was trying to sleep and so I'd just shove a pillow over my head and try to fall asleep. After a while I would fall asleep to be woken up by his snoring and the tv blaring. After I turned it off I would take another hour to get to sleep again! I sleep much more soundly without him.

-no shit left everywhere. Not having to remind him "we have a garbage. We have a dishwasher."

-no separate laundry for all of his precious merino wool clothing he spends hundreds on and obsesses over.

-no farts and burps without "excuse me"- I teach my boys manners.

- choosing my own stuff without being told "no offence but you have no taste."

myowndystopia posted 4/17/2014 06:56 AM

Buy creamy peanut butter! Sometimes it's just the little things like that! I always bought the natural crunchy peanut butter because that's what he liked. Now- after 30+ years..... Jif creamy- my favorite!

And I got a piano! I've had several opportunities to get a piano where friends were selling very cheap or giving away. He said we had no place for one so wouldn't let me. My neighbor was giving hers away. Found a moving company to move it from one house to another and it looks great where I put it! Bought me some books and music to reteach and refresh and loving it!

Enjoy my weekends. We have a weekend home and every weekend was spent there. I loved it there but then that meant I had the upkeep of two homes. I'm enjoying being at my main home and doing things in the community that i never got to do before.