"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Blindsided2014 posted 4/16/2014 08:18 AM

I am pitiful, he came home last night after 4 days. He says all the right stuff, he's going to be an "open book" he knows this is going to take me time, i can have access to his cell anytime. But how do i believe him? texting was the way i confirmed the A. He knows how to delete. She sent him a text this AM she

is pissed and hurting

. He did not want to respond so I did- without his permission. I said

" sorry, but i am with D and going to make this work"

THEN I told him I'd done it, he laughed and said OK. I want to restart the trust, i asked him to please not contact her and tell her he did not send that text, he said of course he wont do that, but how do i know he wont? I cant monitor his cell at work or his work email. OMG this is worse than when he was gone !!!

k94ever posted 4/16/2014 08:28 AM

Watch his actions.

In the meantime see a lawyer and get informed about what to expect if you divorce.

Knowledge is power.

"The person who is the least invested in a relationship, controls the relationship."

k9

ShiningAutumn8 posted 4/16/2014 08:33 AM

He needs to give you access to the itemized billing for his cell. YOu can easily access it online with a password and login, and it will show all calls and texts on a daily basis, often in realtime. (It wont show content of the text, but it will show the # texted)

I think you are letting him back way too soon.

You never responded to all the other posters who said you must tell the OW's BS about the affair. do you plan on doing that?

These two are pulling quite a number on both you and her spouse. I see no indication that he has ended things with her.

[This message edited by ShiningAutumn8 at 8:34 AM, April 16th (Wednesday)]

obliquestrat posted 4/16/2014 08:34 AM

There are easy-to-use tools out there for undeleting texts on smartphones.

Blindsided2014 posted 4/16/2014 08:48 AM

@ ShiningAutumn8 I did tell him, he KNEW, he knew in December when the A started- he condoned it. It meant he did not have to deal with her or something.
He said I had to let him back because his name is on house but I also want him back. I am a college educated professional, I don't need his financial support since I make more than he does but I am heart broken with out him. For the few weeks before the confirmation we fought and I told him to go or not I did not care. Now I realize I do and just how much. I always agreed with "The person who is the least invested in a relationship, controls the relationship." and now I have shown my hand by taking him back so quickly, I am afraid he will do it again because he knows how much I love him.

confused615 posted 4/16/2014 08:50 AM

Well...you told the OW that he was sorry but he was working things out with his wife.

You, pretending to be him, apologized to the whore.

Other than that?

You did nothing wrong.

Why can't you see his work cell and email? Password protected by the company?

That's ok. He can give you those passwords anyway.

There are many members here whose WS's weren't supposed to give them their work passwords..but they did..because they realized their marriage..and the emotional well being of their spouse meant more than their job.

All you are wanting to do is check to see if they have contact...you don't want the passwords because you're going to overthrow the company.

norabird posted 4/16/2014 09:01 AM

((((Blindsided))))

Believe me, I know all about the feeling of love pushing you to be too trusting and allowing them to get away without enough consequences. I could write the book on that! It's not easy at all to detach those emotions and focus on you. But it is necessary.

Remember these things: You feel heartbroken without him now, but you will not be heartbroken forever without him; instead you would mourn, heal, learn to love yourself more, and move on to a calmer life. Remember also that being with him right now carries its own heartache.

It doesn't mean you can't try to R. But it has to be a conscious choice, with rational decisions about boundaries and your best interests guiding you, not just the outcome of impulsive decision borne out of emotional pain.

1Faith posted 4/16/2014 09:20 AM

(((hugs)))

This is all so very new for you. You are just starting to comprehend what has occurred.

You are in shock, your body, mind and soul.
And this is very normal.

You will read about the rollercoaster ride from hell. He has just put you on this ride without your consent.

You will love and hate him in the same moment. You will want to try and then feel like there is no way you can try...again, all very normal.

Please check out the Healing Library at the upper left hand corner. There is a lot of great information to consider.

Every story is different but every one has many similarities too.

Your WH laughing at your response is not a good sign. IMO, he is dismissing your feelings, your hurt and his actions. He is manipulating you and the situation. Look up the difference between regret and remorse. BIG difference.

But how do i believe him

You don't. His actions have not earned your trust in any way.

Take back the power. Set the game rules of what you will or won't tolerate.

I am afraid he will do it again because he knows how much I love him

If he does this again it is because he chooses to just like he chose to in the first place. If there are no consequences for the first A then why wouldn't he take it underground or have another? An A has nothing to do with love. It has everything to do with fulfilling ones selfish wants and needs. You can't love him into being faithful. He has to want to do that. This is HIS to fix if he chooses.

Get into IC and get your thoughts together for you. Define what you want from the marriage and what you will or won't tolerate.

You will always have lingering feelings of not trusting. This is normal. The wound will heal but you will always have the scar.

Deep breaths. One day at a time. And follow your instincts.

Good luck.

annb posted 4/16/2014 09:21 AM

I am nine years out and have had my husband's company passwords since day 1. Voicemail and email.

I'd ask him for this information, see how he responds. Remember...actions, those who have nothing to hide hide nothing.

Unfortunately, at this early date you cannot trust his words. He is a liar and a cheater, and you have to resort to do anything you need to to protect your heart and your future. Give yourself a bit more time for the shock to wear off, and you will begin to think a bit more clearly.

If OW is married, you really must inform her husband. In my situation, my WH, OW, and her husband worked for the same company. OW BS intercepted a very revealing email between my WH and his wife. He confronted both of them, they apologized. OW BS did not contact me, he didn't want to hurt me.

Well......the EA turned into a PA about a month later. Had the OW BS informed me about what happened, my WH never would have flown out to her site and slept with her.

[This message edited by annb at 9:24 AM, April 16th (Wednesday)]

NeverAgain2013 posted 4/16/2014 09:59 AM

Oh Blindsided, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this crap.

The ugly truth I've seen over and over and over here on SI (as well has having experienced it myself a few times) is that these guys don't usually REALLY cut all contact with their OW after a DDay. They just claim that they have. They give you their email passwords, let you look at their cell phones and/or cell phone bills, let you trawl their Facebook messages and Wall, etc. etc. etc., and 99.9999% of the time, they've simply found another way to stay in touch with their OW. Those with iPhones and SmartPhones just use one of the many apps out there that let you text back and forth WITHOUT it registering on your cell bill, or they use one of the many chatting/video apps to communicate - and it doesn't leave a trace. Free, web-based email accounts can be created in under 5 minutes so while you're busy scouring his known email accounts, they could be using the newly created one.

There are prepaid phones you can get at Walmart or 7-11 and hide them in your car trunk or toolbox in the garage, the OW could take out another line on her Family Plan and give him that cell phone to keep hidden, unfortunately, the list is just endless.

I have to be honest and say that I'm most suspicous of the cheating spouses who claim they're suddenly an open book and are saying all the right things, when just a week or two ago before DDay, they were doing anything BUT that.

I hate to say it but I'm not going to sugar coat it. I can almost guarantee you that he contacted her and smoothed her poor, ruffled tail feathers, apologizing to her for his mean old wife's text this morning.

tushnurse posted 4/16/2014 10:20 AM

Personally I think it was awesome you told her to leave you (him) alone.
I wouldn't have apologized either.

Has he sent his NC note/letter? If not that has to happen immediately then he blocks his phone and email from her. Does this mean he is towing the line? Who knows, but it does show some effort on his part if he does it when you ask him to.

It takes years to rebuild the trust, and the unknown of what could be can be crazymaking. That is why you need to focus on you, and getting you healthy and strong. You get to control R. It took all of us a while to get the hang of it. He is making the right motions at this point, but you need to see if he really will continue to.

((((and strength))))

allusions posted 4/16/2014 11:42 AM

I just want to put this out there. At my job, there is no way email can be accessed outside of a company computer. The log-in has to be done on-site using a company computer so there is no way anyone who isn't an employee can get into the email system. Outside visitors, such as friends and family, cannot come into work areas.

I hope he doesn't have that kind of situation.

Lalagirl posted 4/16/2014 13:04 PM

He said I had to let him back because his name is on house

That's bullying and abusive.

I know it is hard, Blindsided, but believe me, if you implement the 180 (this is for you, not to "win" him back) - it will help you get a firm grasp on things. IC would also be helpful, as some posters suggested.

BSs get in a "fog" too - we certainly cannot unlove someone overnight. Change and being alone is hard. I went through it and it was so friggin hard...but it was necessary to get FWH to get his head out of his ass.

Hugs...

hopefulmother posted 4/16/2014 13:25 PM

lol- that is why I am all for confronting the OW at the work place in front of all their coworkers. Out them out in public and put a lot of stress on their secretive relationship. Embarrass her enough with your WH present so that maybe she will back off and get the hint. Take your cues on how your H feels by watching his reaction to your interaction with the bitch.

MAN do I HATE work whores.

[This message edited by hopefulmother at 1:26 PM, April 16th (Wednesday)]

hopefulmother posted 4/16/2014 13:30 PM

BTW: that worked for me. The OW left us alone. Unfortunately this didn't stop the OW new boss/BFF from acting as a leech to step in where she vacated. My H only used her as the emotional outlet for my anger and his angst over missing the first OW next. It took me leaving to shock him into reality. But, at least the first one left him alone. I outed the boss when she became too familiar and that worked too. Guess their reputations when the A's came to light were more important than their good times.

[This message edited by hopefulmother at 1:30 PM, April 16th (Wednesday)]

Blindsided2014 posted 4/16/2014 13:45 PM

I did out them on Facebook. I just

wished them happiness and congratulated them on keeping it hidden for 5 months.

NOW I am the bad person. I know I should not have done that, as I don't condone airing dirty laundry, but for 4 months I had been asking and accusing and he had been denying it, I thought if I made it public he could not have denied it. Her husband KNEW about it and forgave him before I found out.
@ tushnurse- no he has not sent a NC note, he stayed at THEIR house for the 4 days I kicked him out, so he still has stuff there and wants to get it back before he severs ties. I know most of you will say that is BS but he has agreed to let me go with him to get his stuff.
@ NeverAgain2013 - that is EXACTLY what is am afraid he was going to do, I asked him not to and he said he would not, how will I know???
@ allusions- Like you he cant not access email from home.

LIKE I SAID INITIALLY WHAT HAVE I DONE? I AM AFRAID I MOVED THINGS TO FAST BUT NOW WHAT DO I DO????!!!

NOISENOISE posted 4/16/2014 14:36 PM

it is possible you are being allowed to check his phone or email to provide you with a false sense of security. it is SO easy to get a disposable phone and keep it at work, or create a new email address from a different location which he only accesses away from home. as sad as it is, these gestures mean nothing. he is only slightly inconvenienced, and his ability to contact her without you ever knowing can be fixed in five minutes. im sorry.

k94ever posted 4/16/2014 14:44 PM

Blindsided....you live with your actions.

You face the fact square on that he could possibly still be having an affair.

You stand tall and be the woman you are supposed to be.

You get your power back.

You understand that even if the marriage is over, you are beautiful, talented, smart, successful, and worth a hell of a lot more than being cheated on.

You realize you deserve a healthy, loving, trusting relationship.

That is what you do.

Find your Bitch Boots girl.

{{{hugs}}}

k9

12yearsloyal posted 4/16/2014 14:52 PM

Don't be so hard on yourself and remember you did nothing wrong. You did not stray, you did not have an affair. He put you in this situation. The good news is you don't have kids with him. My situation is similar, except he financially supports me because I have a small home based business. At least you have the power to support yourself right now. That is a good thing.

kiki1 posted 4/16/2014 14:54 PM

(((Blindsided)))

take some deep breaths, then some more.

tell yourself your going to be ok. and believe it.

For right now, dont do anything. You are not required to do anything for right now.

You are not pitiful nor bad, you've been betrayed and your emotions are all over the place. that's ok. Just dont do anything right now.

Go to the yellow box in the upper left corner. Do some reading. Start to separate (if you can at this time) your emotions from what your seeing your wh do.

Remember he lies. You can trust nothing he says right now. Just go slow, there is no hurry. This will take time.

If your spirtual, pray. Journal your thoughts so you can round them up, understnad them better.

Hang in there girl, sending you hugs,,,,,,,,