is pissed and hurting
" sorry, but i am with D and going to make this work"
In the meantime see a lawyer and get informed about what to expect if you divorce.
Knowledge is power.
"The person who is the least invested in a relationship, controls the relationship."
I think you are letting him back way too soon.
You never responded to all the other posters who said you must tell the OW's BS about the affair. do you plan on doing that?
These two are pulling quite a number on both you and her spouse. I see no indication that he has ended things with her.
[This message edited by ShiningAutumn8 at 8:34 AM, April 16th (Wednesday)]
You, pretending to be him, apologized to the whore.
Other than that?
You did nothing wrong.
Why can't you see his work cell and email? Password protected by the company?
That's ok. He can give you those passwords anyway.
There are many members here whose WS's weren't supposed to give them their work passwords..but they did..because they realized their marriage..and the emotional well being of their spouse meant more than their job.
All you are wanting to do is check to see if they have contact...you don't want the passwords because you're going to overthrow the company.
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
Believe me, I know all about the feeling of love pushing you to be too trusting and allowing them to get away without enough consequences. I could write the book on that! It's not easy at all to detach those emotions and focus on you. But it is necessary.
Remember these things: You feel heartbroken without him now, but you will not be heartbroken forever without him; instead you would mourn, heal, learn to love yourself more, and move on to a calmer life. Remember also that being with him right now carries its own heartache.
It doesn't mean you can't try to R. But it has to be a conscious choice, with rational decisions about boundaries and your best interests guiding you, not just the outcome of impulsive decision borne out of emotional pain.
This is all so very new for you. You are just starting to comprehend what has occurred.
You are in shock, your body, mind and soul.
And this is very normal.
You will read about the rollercoaster ride from hell. He has just put you on this ride without your consent.
You will love and hate him in the same moment. You will want to try and then feel like there is no way you can try...again, all very normal.
Please check out the Healing Library at the upper left hand corner. There is a lot of great information to consider.
Every story is different but every one has many similarities too.
Your WH laughing at your response is not a good sign. IMO, he is dismissing your feelings, your hurt and his actions. He is manipulating you and the situation. Look up the difference between regret and remorse. BIG difference.
But how do i believe him
You don't. His actions have not earned your trust in any way.
Take back the power. Set the game rules of what you will or won't tolerate.
I am afraid he will do it again because he knows how much I love him
If he does this again it is because he chooses to just like he chose to in the first place. If there are no consequences for the first A then why wouldn't he take it underground or have another? An A has nothing to do with love. It has everything to do with fulfilling ones selfish wants and needs. You can't love him into being faithful. He has to want to do that. This is HIS to fix if he chooses.
Get into IC and get your thoughts together for you. Define what you want from the marriage and what you will or won't tolerate.
You will always have lingering feelings of not trusting. This is normal. The wound will heal but you will always have the scar.
Deep breaths. One day at a time. And follow your instincts.
I'd ask him for this information, see how he responds. Remember...actions, those who have nothing to hide hide nothing.
Unfortunately, at this early date you cannot trust his words. He is a liar and a cheater, and you have to resort to do anything you need to to protect your heart and your future. Give yourself a bit more time for the shock to wear off, and you will begin to think a bit more clearly.
If OW is married, you really must inform her husband. In my situation, my WH, OW, and her husband worked for the same company. OW BS intercepted a very revealing email between my WH and his wife. He confronted both of them, they apologized. OW BS did not contact me, he didn't want to hurt me.
Well......the EA turned into a PA about a month later. Had the OW BS informed me about what happened, my WH never would have flown out to her site and slept with her.
[This message edited by annb at 9:24 AM, April 16th (Wednesday)]
The ugly truth I've seen over and over and over here on SI (as well has having experienced it myself a few times) is that these guys don't usually REALLY cut all contact with their OW after a DDay. They just claim that they have. They give you their email passwords, let you look at their cell phones and/or cell phone bills, let you trawl their Facebook messages and Wall, etc. etc. etc., and 99.9999% of the time, they've simply found another way to stay in touch with their OW. Those with iPhones and SmartPhones just use one of the many apps out there that let you text back and forth WITHOUT it registering on your cell bill, or they use one of the many chatting/video apps to communicate - and it doesn't leave a trace. Free, web-based email accounts can be created in under 5 minutes so while you're busy scouring his known email accounts, they could be using the newly created one.
There are prepaid phones you can get at Walmart or 7-11 and hide them in your car trunk or toolbox in the garage, the OW could take out another line on her Family Plan and give him that cell phone to keep hidden, unfortunately, the list is just endless.
I have to be honest and say that I'm most suspicous of the cheating spouses who claim they're suddenly an open book and are saying all the right things, when just a week or two ago before DDay, they were doing anything BUT that.
I hate to say it but I'm not going to sugar coat it. I can almost guarantee you that he contacted her and smoothed her poor, ruffled tail feathers, apologizing to her for his mean old wife's text this morning.
Has he sent his NC note/letter? If not that has to happen immediately then he blocks his phone and email from her. Does this mean he is towing the line? Who knows, but it does show some effort on his part if he does it when you ask him to.
It takes years to rebuild the trust, and the unknown of what could be can be crazymaking. That is why you need to focus on you, and getting you healthy and strong. You get to control R. It took all of us a while to get the hang of it. He is making the right motions at this point, but you need to see if he really will continue to.
I hope he doesn't have that kind of situation.
"You know the sad thing about betrayal? It never comes from an enemy."
He said I had to let him back because his name is on house
That's bullying and abusive.
I know it is hard, Blindsided, but believe me, if you implement the 180 (this is for you, not to "win" him back) - it will help you get a firm grasp on things. IC would also be helpful, as some posters suggested.
BSs get in a "fog" too - we certainly cannot unlove someone overnight. Change and being alone is hard. I went through it and it was so friggin hard...but it was necessary to get FWH to get his head out of his ass.
MAN do I HATE work whores.
[This message edited by hopefulmother at 1:26 PM, April 16th (Wednesday)]
[This message edited by hopefulmother at 1:30 PM, April 16th (Wednesday)]
wished them happiness and congratulated them on keeping it hidden for 5 months.
LIKE I SAID INITIALLY WHAT HAVE I DONE? I AM AFRAID I MOVED THINGS TO FAST BUT NOW WHAT DO I DO????!!!
You face the fact square on that he could possibly still be having an affair.
You stand tall and be the woman you are supposed to be.
You get your power back.
You understand that even if the marriage is over, you are beautiful, talented, smart, successful, and worth a hell of a lot more than being cheated on.
You realize you deserve a healthy, loving, trusting relationship.
That is what you do.
Find your Bitch Boots girl.
take some deep breaths, then some more.
tell yourself your going to be ok. and believe it.
For right now, dont do anything. You are not required to do anything for right now.
You are not pitiful nor bad, you've been betrayed and your emotions are all over the place. that's ok. Just dont do anything right now.
Go to the yellow box in the upper left corner. Do some reading. Start to separate (if you can at this time) your emotions from what your seeing your wh do.
Remember he lies. You can trust nothing he says right now. Just go slow, there is no hurry. This will take time.
If your spirtual, pray. Journal your thoughts so you can round them up, understnad them better.
Hang in there girl, sending you hugs,,,,,,,,