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Klove posted 4/16/2014 08:31 AM

Stbxwh has told me he is thinking about keeping our house.

I am not keeping the house. For starters, I can't afford it without totally sacrificing any quality of life- even with the cs I might get. Selling the house or getting out of the house would be a chance for me to get out of some debt, start fresh with independence- something I'm really looking forward to. In a smaller house, I could manage the property and home on my own and be able to save money for things like vacations, education for the kids, etc... I have, emotionally, come to terms with leaving my home. I'm actually a little excited about it. A new adventure of a life that is ALL MINE.

I am, however, slightly bothered by the idea of HIM keeping it, though. Our house is on the lake. It's beautiful- we built it. We have lived here since 2001. I just feel insecure about how our kids will love coming to their old home with Dad and play on the lake in the boat etc. and then go back to their smaller home with Mom...I know it shouldn't make a difference...but it's bothering me.

Bothering me even more is the possibility of him moving HER into the house. Have any of you had to go through this? She lives in another province and there has been no talk lately of her moving, but I likely would be the last to know if stbxwh is finally making things official with her. I'm positive they are waiting until the dust settles to make things look like it wasn't on the tail end of the A just based on comments stbxwh made about OW not "wanting to be a home wrecker" etc... I also do not see how he will afford to keep the house unless he has someone else in here.

I just need to vent. What kind of a woman moves into the AP's house without batting an eyelash? I mean, if that were me I would constantly feel upset about memories in the house, etc- the ghosts of the past. Especially with the young kids of the marriage visiting!!! Is nothing sacred to these people? I live in a small area and it will really bother me if she moves here and they move into another house and I have to bump into them at the only grocery store, etc....but if they are in my old house??? Cheese and rice- that will just destroy me!

I said as much to my stbxwh at one point- not that I expect him to care about my feelings...but, c'mon!

It's just something I find so unfair and so sad and infuriating.

kg201 posted 4/16/2014 09:26 AM

KLove, I hear all of the emotion you have tied up with the home, and I get it, so please take what I am about to say as best intentions on my part.

Your goal should be to get to a point where the possessions are nothing more than objects and financial transactions. Let him have the house. Let him buy you out so that you can pay down your debt. Let the kids have a nice place to be (and they will always know it was nicer when you were there), when they are not with you.

It's not about who has what. It's about separating your lives and moving on. Who cares if the AP is there with him...they will have a nice house with two horrid, rotten parts inside. If you are able to set yourself up in a way that allows you to raise your kids well, and be able to take care of yourself, then that is the most important thing.

It's hard. We put our emotions into so many objects. But they will always just be objects. Your present is the place you want to live...not your past.

Hang in there. (((KLove)))

Merlin posted 4/16/2014 09:36 AM

Divorce courts reduce this to a financial transaction where he buys out out. If he does that, it's his house and there is little you can do about it or how he chooses to live there.

Fairness, justice, emotions, feelings, right and the rest of it get left behind in the legal process.

SeanFLA posted 4/16/2014 09:54 AM

Let em have it. Get yourself to the point where you are free of that financial stress of keeping something like that due to emotional reasoning. Believe me in two or three years you will be so happy to didn't try to keep that financial burden and have to struggle paying for it. You will sleep so munch better at night knowing you can afford where you are. Plus if you did keep it you may wind up having to sell it two years from now when you come to the realization that you made a mistake keeping it. Then have to go through the shitty emotions of selling it on your own (and the hassle). Take the buy out and run. I live as debt free as I can and it does have it's benefits.

Own the home where you live, don't let the home own you.

Klove posted 4/16/2014 11:30 AM

I hear ya- I am so looking forward to being master of my own domain and not sweating the money. I have never been financially independent and, yeah, I know I'll be getting cs...but the decisions of my home are all mine.

I just don't want that HOME WRECKING C$%T in the home I built and have so many memories in. How will I handle that?

norabird posted 4/16/2014 12:55 PM

The more time goes by, the more you detach, the more you realize you are better off without him and build up your own life and settle into your eventual new home, the less it will bother you. One day I really believe you will be at indifference on her living there if it came to that. Afterall, she will have to live with him--that's nothing to envy.

one2ndchance posted 4/16/2014 14:06 PM

I lived in my "perfect" house for 24 years. Tons of memories where made in the home I lovingly designed and decorated. I had sweeping views of beautiful mountains...that's the only thing I miss since there are no views in my new home. But it's a good trade off since I no longer have the pain and sadness those walls held.

After awhile you come to feel that the memories are about the people, not the place.

I doubt she's going to feel comfortable IF she moves in. After all....isn't she the one who didn't want to be perceived as the "home wrecker"?

One piece of advice: Be careful how you respond when he talks about keeping the house. He may be spiteful enough to go against what you want, just to show that he can.