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Some progress and open dialogue

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plewpiter posted 4/16/2014 08:33 AM

So my WW discovered last night that I was still doing some snooping on her. In this case, she saw that I was still checking the phone records and figuring out who she's been calling on her work phone (she works from home). She asked me why, and I said I was paranoid. She has lied to me about her continued interactions with the OP recently, and I said that I just couldn't trust her. I think she sort of got that, but didn't like how I had to sneak around to do it. Of course, the last time I tried to be open about it and gave her a heads-up that I wanted to check her phone, emails, etc. later that day, she went ahead and erased anything she might have thought I wouldn't like. So, yeah, I had my reasons.

The progress part is that it opened up some dialogue for me to express how her recent lies (D-day was one year ago) had really brought me back to square one in terms of trust. She has been better in a lot of ways in terms of daily stuff--showing me affection, intimacy is back in the bedroom, just generally more interested in me. (The 1st 9 months of R had none of that, unfortunately.)

I also revealed that I had been going to IC for a while. When I started IC, she was so mean and dismissive of my emotions related to the A at the time that I figured that if I told her then, it would be another insult, or "punishment" as she liked to put it. She was a little ticked off that I didn't tell her earlier, but I told her how she had been acting at the time, and I think she sort of got it.

The big thing that I'm still waiting on is that I asked her to read the Linda MacDonald book How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair. She hasn't really responded to that yet. For me, if she refuses to read it, it might be a deal breaker. I think she still doesn't think of what she did as an EA, but just a mistake. Regardless of what she wants to call it, the devastation was the same, and will take similar actions to rectify the situation. To me, it was at the very least an EA. I've mentioned this before, but I don't know how else to take my wife cutting me out of our wedding photos them sending to the OP, her ex-BF. And this was just weeks after out wedding!

A lot of people on here talk about how, after finding out about the A, that the vows at the wedding meant nothing. For me, it seems that as they were coming out of her mouth, they meant nothing. I fear that she will never realize that. She still wants to display our wedding photos around the house, even the ones that I was cropped out of. She just doesn't get it...but I'm hoping the book and IC will help her.

bionicgal posted 4/16/2014 09:27 AM

Wow - your wife seems pretty resistant. I mean, R means transparency, and handing the phone over at any time - happily. It means snapping a picture out at a business diner if your H feels insecure. It means wanting the BS to feel more secure. Is she doing things to help with that?

It also raises a flag that you were in IC kind of secretly. Are you two in MC? Maybe it is time? It just seems like a lot of closed doors in a house that should be wide open right now.

plewpiter posted 4/16/2014 10:01 AM

She is a lot more open now. When I started IC in secret a few months ago, she was in a bad spot. Don't know exactly why. She's open to MC and IC for herself now. Back then, I was essentially afraid of her reaction, and wasn't even entirely sure if she wasn't still involved with the OP somehow.

I think it might take an MC to tell it to her like it is, make her finally see her actions as infidelity, and EA, and not just some "mistakes". For now, the plan is: Read that book, IC for WS, then MC together. She needs a rude awakening, and nothing I say or do, or having her see how destroyed I am, has given her the aha moment.

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