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HormonalWoman posted 4/16/2014 10:51 AM

I'm of the opinion this cannot happen once someone has been a wayward, but is it acceptable for those that haven't cheated to have a best friend of the opposite sex?

I think no but Am I just jaded and putting judgements on them due to my cheating partner?

hummingbird8 posted 4/16/2014 10:57 AM

No I don't think people should have close friends of the opposite sex. Friends of both people sure. But I don't talk to men without my husband. It's a respect thing. I would never want to do anything where someone could misinterpret or think there could be anything going on.

I think if opposite sex people are friends, most people assume or wonder if they are cheating.

ETA: I'm not jaded. I just think people should live above reproach. No one could ever say they think I am cheating because I never do anything to be misconstrued.

[This message edited by hummingbird8 at 10:59 AM, April 16th (Wednesday)]

idiot85 posted 4/16/2014 10:58 AM

I personally think- sometimes yes but in general no.

I've had this discussion on here before because I personally have close mates of the opposite sex but I think clear boundaries have to be already set in stone- and I really mean set in stone not to be blurred or crossed in any way shape or form.

Would I be happy for the wife to make friends with a bloke? No way.

Just my opinion.

Lalagirl posted 4/16/2014 10:58 AM

I think it depends if the spouse has firm boundaries and hides nothing from the spouse (calls, texts, should not hang out with each other alone, etc.). Obviously if people are on this site that is likely not the case, and IMHO, they are now "banned" from this...

Even though FWH has had intense IC - no more girl buddies for him...of course he is welcome to engage in conversation my female friends, but only if I am present. No outside phone calls, texts, etc.

I do know people who have friends of the opposite sex that they have known since childhood - they are like sisters/brothers...but that is the exception, not the rule.

Just my two cents...from experience. I tried to be "cool" about the "just friends" thing - didn't work out well at all...hence my SI membership.

norabird posted 4/16/2014 11:00 AM

I think we all have our own boundaries.

I have many good male friends and also very good boundaries. I believe people can have a best friend of the opposite sex and it can be safe. I would count my 'best friends' as pretty much exclusively female though.

Each friendship is different. Some are probably not healthy, are predicated on sexual tension, or cross lines. Others may be wonderful and non-threatening.

You and your WH will have to figure out what works for you guys. I do think waywards should be held to a different standard than partners with good boundaries because the waywards have proved that their boundaries suck and that they are not safe to be trusted with opposite sex intimacy/friendship.

Williesmom posted 4/16/2014 11:03 AM

My bff is a man. We have been friends for 20 years, but only became really close since the D.

His friendship dragged me through the despair that followed the D. Seriously.

He is like a brother to me and I know that he feels the same about me. I have boundaries, as does he - I know this from our early friendship days when we were both married.

If someone had a problem with my friendship with bff, they would have to get used to it, or not be in a R with me.

SWAT70 posted 4/16/2014 11:14 AM

Before I would not have cared, now not gonna happen. Hummingbird hit the nail to, people assume. I never really noticed that until last week. I got a call from a female that I knew through work. I have not seen or heard from this woman in close to a year and a half and was shocked to hear from her. Now she is twenty years younger than me and recently married. She called because she saw me on TV for a funeral. During the conversation she had said she was sorry for the loss of a police officer who she assumed I knew. I replied that it was sweet of her to call and said thank you dear. Know she is not really even a friend more of an acquaintance. There was nothing said by either person that could have been considered flirting or sexual in anyway. After hanging up my co worker just looked at me funny and said who was that, I know it wasn't your wife and you called her sweet and dear. He did not know the extent to of the call but he made assumptions from what he heard. Kind of made me feel shitty.

yearsofpain25 posted 4/16/2014 11:20 AM

I have not cheated and I do have a woman in my most inner circle of "best" friends. I have many friends of both sexes, but my inner circle consists of 4 with my wife being the top of the 4. If my wife asked me to choose her over any of the others including the woman, I would be sad but of course I would choose her without any hesitation so lets count her out.

The other 3 are 2 men and 1 woman. When I great each of them hello and say goodbye it is always with a warm greeting and a hug. Much like greeting a family member and it's only these individuals that I hug. No inappropriate touching ever with any of the three. In my eyes they are all equal to each other. I could care less if they were male or female. I'm not attracted to any of my FOO family members and I view all 3 of them as the family that I chose. Not the one that I was dealt. This inner circle of "best" friends are more than just friends to me. They are family. Each in their own way has been instrumental in my healing process. My woman friend I even sometimes refer to as my sister as I refer to the men as my brothers. Kinda hard to be remotely attracted to someone you call your sister. Gross!!! My wife is comfortable with with me having a healthy relationship with my female friend because I have full transparency ALL the time as it's natural for me to do so. There are no secrets. My friends all know that anything that is disclosed to me you may as well be telling my wife at the same time. It's not even a thing we do consciously to have full transparency. It's just how it is without any thought. Above all else, my wife also knows that I only have eyes for her and I remind her of that everyday. Sometimes several times a day.

I could go on and on, but that's the gist of it. I really do view her as my sister and she's on equal footing as my 2 male friends. They are my inner circle.

ETA - I should also mention that the reason each of these people,male or female is in my inner circle and have become family has been due to trauma and crisis. We have used each other in our worst times of need. That is how they became the "best" friend/family member type of friend. Which is also the same reason why the thought of crossing a boundary with my female friend is never even a thought. Does not compute.

[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 11:26 AM, April 16th (Wednesday)]

NeverAgain2013 posted 4/16/2014 11:26 AM

If I or my spouse had been longtime friends with someone of the opposite sex, I don't believe it's right for either one of us to demand that the other drop that longtime friend.

However, if my spouse suddenly had a female 'best buddy' that he didn't have a year ago or 6 months ago, I think that would be a bit of a different story and raise some red flags.

4everfaithful83 posted 4/16/2014 11:34 AM

I think it all depends on the circumstances and the person. Obviously once infidelity is in the mix...it changes everything. That said...

I am the betrayed partner, and one of my best friends is a guy. We also own a business together and work together every day. Both WBF and I met this friend together (about 5 years ago) and we all became friends at the same time. There is obviously a level of trust between WBF and our friend at this point, otherwise it probably wouldn't work. I think this is also because our friend has never been inappropriate in any way. All boundaries are respected.

IMHO - There's no reason for someone who is in a long term, committed relationship to make NEW friends of the opposite sex. At least not ones that they plan on hanging out with alone, or texting or anything like that. Obviously making new friends as a couple, and only hanging out with them as a team is different.

Lets be honest...once you hit puberty, you just aren't looking for "just friends" of the opposite sex! LOL If a girl suddenly wanted to be friends with my WBF and hang out with him alone or was texting him, this would be totally inappropriate and I would not stand for it.

HormonalWoman posted 4/16/2014 11:57 AM

Thanks for the replies. It's good to see others opinions.

My wh will not have female friends again as far as I'm concerned. I have no interest in seeking out male friends and do not have any already, just to clarify.

A friend asked about her boyfriends best friend and whether she should be worried. They've not been together long. It's hard to advise sometimes, I don't like the sound of it but it doesn't mean they are doing anything wrong.

bionicgal posted 4/16/2014 11:58 AM

Nope - and I totally like having men friends better. But, can't do it.

LostSamurai posted 4/16/2014 11:59 AM

I am going to say this without even reading the other quotes.

The only best friend opposite sex members they should have is the husband and wife. They should be best friends. No one else. I don't care if you grew up with that person or if you known each other.

When you were dating and made the decision to ask the other to marry you, you right there were saying your must best friend, and that's it. Done. Period.

bionicgal posted 4/16/2014 12:00 PM

My woman friend I even sometimes refer to as my sister as I refer to the men as my brothers. Kinda hard to be remotely attracted to someone you call your sister. Gross!!!

Gently, we were friends with the AP and OBS for 5+ years, and my H always said she was like a "pesky little sister. . ." and he meant it. No attraction until the perfect storm hit (MLC, athletic injuries, and stress in our marriage due to a new job). Sorry.

We all feel that way about friends of the opposite sex -- until we don't.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 1:20 PM, April 16th (Wednesday)]

Mindfully posted 4/16/2014 12:04 PM

When I first met my SO, I took it as a good sign that he had lots of female friends - some of whom he dated for a while and had ended up staying friends with after the sexual relationship was over. It suggested to me that he liked and valued women, and, as a feminist, this felt good to me.

Fast forward four years, and its turns out he had affairs with two of these women in the last year and a half of our relationship. Now its much more difficult for me to say where the line should be drawn. If we reconciled, I think a female best friend wouldn't work for me. And if I went on to have a new relationship, I think it would still be a huge struggle for me. One of the many sad consequences of the SO's actions.

Lovedyoumore posted 4/16/2014 13:18 PM

Everything changes after an A. This is part of the fall out. No friends of the opposite sex for either of us. Best friend? Hell no. I better be his best friend.

Both H and OW proclaimed to be besties. What a joke. 20 year difference and the only thing in common was their need for illicit sex 24/7.

Razor posted 4/16/2014 13:21 PM

I dont think this is a good idea whether there was a affair or not. Its just too dangerous. The person you are M to should be your best friend. Period.

AFrayedKnot posted 4/16/2014 13:25 PM

The person you are M to should be your best friend. Period.

^^^^

yearsofpain25 posted 4/16/2014 13:33 PM

The person you are M to should be your best friend. Period.

She's my wife. She's my best friend and a hell of a lot more than that.

Want2help posted 4/16/2014 14:37 PM

One of my best friends is a male. We've been friends for almost 10 years.

We both like politics (different parties), debate, and similar music/movies/etc. We were friends before my FWH's A, and he was married. His wife had an A shortly after my FWH's and his WS left him. We mourned together. No boundaries were ever crossed, there is no sexual tension (the very idea of which makes me laugh out loud, he looks like an adult Charlie Brown to me), and we are friends and nothing more (he calls me his "best female friend").

He's now remarried to a wonderful woman whom I adore, and my daughter calls her "aunt". Out of respect for the other's marriage, if we need a message relayed we now mostly call the other's spouse (as in "Hey, do the Want2Helps want to join the Jones' for dinner tonight?").

We still raise some eyebrows, as he's a redhead, I am not, FWH is not, but our DD is.

ETA: does my FWH have female friends? No. And I don't think I'd be comfortable with it. He is a CSA survivor and has a history of having intercourse with sexually aggressive women, even if he is physically repulsed by them. I can't imagine ever feeling comfortable with him having a female friend.

[This message edited by Want2help at 2:39 PM, April 16th (Wednesday)]

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