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hopeful18 posted 4/16/2014 12:06 PM

I believe now that my reality is that to stay married I have to take the scary leap of trusting. If something triggers me, it often makes him feel controlled. For example, I don't think he is cheating, but if he goes to a dinner business meeting and I get triggered he gets upset. He knows he is not doing anything wrong. Two triggers occurred back to back last week that led him to feel hopeless about our future. He felt angry and said he has done too much damage to ever fix this.

For the record I don't often bring up triggers but did so last week after an mc session where I was told by him to feel safe bringing them up.

Anyway, too long to describe details now so I am just feeling that I will never get the empathic response I need to my triggers. He is doing many things right but I think this is the best he can be. It falls somewhat short of helping us heal.

Things have smoothed over after a horrible week. But I realize now this my be my reality. I wonder if this is R or just what I have to put aside to not D. For many reasons D is not what I want.

rachelc posted 4/16/2014 12:10 PM

Honey, I think BetrayedWife responded to you before about your husband's shame and I agree with her. If he can't get past his shame - which is totally self serving and unhealthy - then he won't be able to be there for your healing and be a productive partner in a marriage.

I am a former WW. I stumble a lot but I get this part of it. My BS can talk to me about his triggers for the rest of my life. There will be no "hurry up and get over it."

Wondering if your husband would consider posting here?

[This message edited by rachelc at 12:11 PM, April 16th (Wednesday)]

AFrayedKnot posted 4/16/2014 12:16 PM

Do you ask for specific ways to help you heal?

Does he refuse?

Is he unknowing or unwilling?

hopeful18 posted 4/16/2014 12:35 PM

Rachelc-I will bring up the shame issue in mc. Can you elaborate a little on what he would need to look at?

Afrayed- I have asked to be able to talk about triggers, etc. While he agrees to do this the reality is he just ends up angry when I do. He reads in just found out, but not for awhile. That made a big impact on him, maybe hearing the pain without feeling he was the cause of it?

[This message edited by hopeful18 at 12:46 PM, April 16th (Wednesday)]

rachelc posted 4/16/2014 12:45 PM

While he agrees to do this the reality is he just ends up angry when I do.

he's not holding up his share of the bargain.. it becomes again all about him. Does he realize this? If he wants to be married to you he's going to have to do the work. And that means, among many other things, being accountable to hearing your pain.

Someone posted a "what every WS needs to know" in the wayward forum - that would be a good place to start.
is he in IC?

[This message edited by rachelc at 12:45 PM, April 16th (Wednesday)]

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