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On the Road to Divorce Fear

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DepressedDaddy posted 4/16/2014 12:49 PM

My WW and I are working on D. We are trying to be amicable with each other. We are trying to work on things together, so we can do whats best for our child. She says she is happy with her decision to leave me for the OM.

I fear that down the line as I am recovering and feeling better, ultimately moving on from all of this, she is going to realize what a huge mistake she made and then want to come back to our relationship. I know there are WS/OP relationships that are successful, but I just fear that she is going to realize it was a big mistake.

I know I am valid for having this fear, but have other people experienced this? Did you take your WS back? Were you in a different/better place and knew getting back with them was not going to be a good move? My mind is going in all kinds of directions.

Thanks for the support!

norabird posted 4/16/2014 13:15 PM

So, I haven't experienced this, but from my experience on SI, people generally are in a place after D where they have truly gotten enough distance to avoid being hoovered back in. Of course there are couples who remarry too, IF the wayward has done the work.

Try to put these speculations out of mind, as it's still giving her so much power in your vision of the future. Think about what you want for yourself once this is final.

Newlease posted 4/16/2014 13:29 PM

My XWH wanted to come back into my life 6 months after the D was final. OW had left him and he was alone.

For me, there was too much destruction to ever go back. He filed for D, and I begged him to reconsider. By the time he reconsidered, I had let go completely. I had no desire to go backwards.

And since that time my life has gotten better and better. There have been some tough times, some missteps, but I've grown and learned a lot about myself.

I'm 53 now and in a great relationship. I am having the time of my life and experiencing new things. My XWH's world has become smaller and smaller. He married and divorced and is now in a very strange relationship with a nice woman. He doesn't try to have a relationship with our sons or grandkids, he doesn't get out much and he doesn't seem very happy.

We get along ok, but we have less and less in common. When I see him there is no remnant of pain, no anger, just blissful indifference.


DepressedDaddy posted 4/16/2014 13:36 PM

Thanks y'all.

NL, that is some good information. I think that is what I needed to hear.

SI is a great place!

RavenWood posted 4/16/2014 23:10 PM

I felt like you too at the beginning. Certain she should realize her mistake and come back. Certain that we were destin to be together. Certain fate would bring us back together.
I begged, I pleaded. She ran away, she filed, she divorced me, she caused me to lose my house.

It's funny how I thought back then. Because the hell she put me through isn't something I would do to my worst enemy.

If she came back today I wouldn't even entertain the thought.

Quite the opposite, the thought of her coming to her senses now has me worried!

SeanFLA posted 4/17/2014 21:45 PM

I believe you get to that point where so much pain has been felt, processed and accepted that you think about this, but if it actually does happen you say "no way in hell." Could you actually ever trust them 100% again? Probably not. Will looking at them everyday remind you of that pain?...probably. You're thinking about this because she's the one making decisions right now and ending things, not you. And you feel kind of helpless in it all. You're still hoping ot you wouldn't be thinking about it. But I guaranty if that train came around and suddenly you have the complete upper hand once again, I think you would find yourself most likely staying away.

mixedemotions posted 4/22/2014 16:53 PM

Before the D my IC told me I'd need to let go of the M we had in order to get the M I wanted, whether or not that was with X would be TBD (enough abbreviations for ya? Lol)

I was desperate and terrified. I said I didn't want to let go because I was so incredibly afraid he wouldn't know he could come back. My IC's guess was that by the time X came back around, I'd be so healed I wouldn't want him back. I almost fired IC that instant, thinking that was ridiculous and depressing.

During S and D I would have given anything for X to change his mind and come home to me. D came and went, I threw myself into self-reflection, growth, a new life, and came out happier and healthier than I have EVER been. Ever. Including before my M.

Sure enough, about a year ago X came out of the woodwork with a few fishing emails that turned into full on can't live without you want you back emails. I was both surprised and not surprised, all at the same time. I calmly told him I was sorry he was hurting but I was no longer the woman who would put up with what he'd done to me. Then I blocked him.

I still love him on some level. I still miss him and grieve the loss of being part of each other's lives. Sometimes I even wish I could see him or talk to him. But, I know exactly what I deserve and it doesn't involve taking back a man who cheated on me. Ick,the thought honestly makes me sick. There are people out there who wouldn't dream of treating another person that way, and I deserve to be with one of them.

No judgment to those who've made R work, I think that's awesome too. I think it's about knowing yourself, being brutally realistic about your X, and trusting that you'll be able to handle any situations as they come up, rather than spending your energy wondering about what those situations might be. Like you said, your mind's going in all kinds of directions right now, just take each day as it comes and focus on yourself. That's the straightest path to healing, regardless of what she does in the future.

sunsetslost posted 4/22/2014 19:54 PM

^^^^^^^^^^. This. And work on yourself. Try not to waste mental energy on a future that hasn't happened. Cross that bridge if/when you get there. I used to be terrified of that call and what my response might be. Sometimes the fog doesn't lift. No sense waiting for it

Merlin posted 4/23/2014 08:06 AM

You are allowing the remote possibility of an unlikely future event to control your present actions.

What is 'valid' about that?

[This message edited by Merlin at 8:07 AM, April 23rd (Wednesday)]

MadeOfScars posted 4/23/2014 10:59 AM

Many people close to me and who knew her are convinced my stbxww is going to come crawling back one day. My mom is one of those people. I don't say this because she's my mother and I'm supposed to say she's usually right, but because it really is crazy how she is often right in her premonitions - it's scary sometimes. My mom does not advocate that I take her back or anything, rather she often tells me to be prepared for anything.

Anyway, I went through a period of hoping that would be the case. I still sort of do, but for another reason - instead of taking her back, I'd love the opportunity to pay her back by rejecting her. Then, like others have said here, I realized - me giving any thought to what she may or may not do gives her too much control and stands in the way of my healing. It's hard to let go of those thoughts completely, at least at the stage we're at now. When they do come, try to recognize what's happening in your mind and choose to replace that thought with something good for you and your new life. Let the rest fall where it may.

DepressedDaddy posted 4/23/2014 14:26 PM

My original post was one week ago and I feel so much has changed since then. Everyday is getting better and better. I am trying to remain cautious, so I don't try and rush my recovery, but I am happy to see the progress made in just one week. That makes me really look forward to the next week, month, 6 months, etc.

As far as this fear, it has subsided a bit. I think it helped me to resolve some of the ambiguity in my own feelings, as well as seeing some of the ambiguity leave my WW's presentation. Also, accomplishing tasks towards D has really helped things too. That in itself makes things less ambiguous.

The great thing about posting on SI, especially to your own posts, is that you can see the progress (or lack thereof) of each post. When I reread the post from last Wednesday, it makes me happy that I am feeling more comfortable in my situation and just taking it one day at a time. Time, that nasty word, actually is one of the best medicines.

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