I fear that down the line as I am recovering and feeling better, ultimately moving on from all of this, she is going to realize what a huge mistake she made and then want to come back to our relationship. I know there are WS/OP relationships that are successful, but I just fear that she is going to realize it was a big mistake.
I know I am valid for having this fear, but have other people experienced this? Did you take your WS back? Were you in a different/better place and knew getting back with them was not going to be a good move? My mind is going in all kinds of directions.
Thanks for the support!
“Optimism is a strategy for making a better future. Because unless you believe that the future can be better, you are unlikely to step up and take responsibility for making it so."
Try to put these speculations out of mind, as it's still giving her so much power in your vision of the future. Think about what you want for yourself once this is final.
For me, there was too much destruction to ever go back. He filed for D, and I begged him to reconsider. By the time he reconsidered, I had let go completely. I had no desire to go backwards.
And since that time my life has gotten better and better. There have been some tough times, some missteps, but I've grown and learned a lot about myself.
I'm 53 now and in a great relationship. I am having the time of my life and experiencing new things. My XWH's world has become smaller and smaller. He married and divorced and is now in a very strange relationship with a nice woman. He doesn't try to have a relationship with our sons or grandkids, he doesn't get out much and he doesn't seem very happy.
We get along ok, but we have less and less in common. When I see him there is no remnant of pain, no anger, just blissful indifference.
NL, that is some good information. I think that is what I needed to hear.
SI is a great place!
It's funny how I thought back then. Because the hell she put me through isn't something I would do to my worst enemy.
If she came back today I wouldn't even entertain the thought.
Quite the opposite, the thought of her coming to her senses now has me worried!
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley
I was desperate and terrified. I said I didn't want to let go because I was so incredibly afraid he wouldn't know he could come back. My IC's guess was that by the time X came back around, I'd be so healed I wouldn't want him back. I almost fired IC that instant, thinking that was ridiculous and depressing.
During S and D I would have given anything for X to change his mind and come home to me. D came and went, I threw myself into self-reflection, growth, a new life, and came out happier and healthier than I have EVER been. Ever. Including before my M.
Sure enough, about a year ago X came out of the woodwork with a few fishing emails that turned into full on can't live without you want you back emails. I was both surprised and not surprised, all at the same time. I calmly told him I was sorry he was hurting but I was no longer the woman who would put up with what he'd done to me. Then I blocked him.
I still love him on some level. I still miss him and grieve the loss of being part of each other's lives. Sometimes I even wish I could see him or talk to him. But, I know exactly what I deserve and it doesn't involve taking back a man who cheated on me. Ick,the thought honestly makes me sick. There are people out there who wouldn't dream of treating another person that way, and I deserve to be with one of them.
No judgment to those who've made R work, I think that's awesome too. I think it's about knowing yourself, being brutally realistic about your X, and trusting that you'll be able to handle any situations as they come up, rather than spending your energy wondering about what those situations might be. Like you said, your mind's going in all kinds of directions right now, just take each day as it comes and focus on yourself. That's the straightest path to healing, regardless of what she does in the future.
What is 'valid' about that?
[This message edited by Merlin at 8:07 AM, April 23rd (Wednesday)]
Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11
Anyway, I went through a period of hoping that would be the case. I still sort of do, but for another reason - instead of taking her back, I'd love the opportunity to pay her back by rejecting her. Then, like others have said here, I realized - me giving any thought to what she may or may not do gives her too much control and stands in the way of my healing. It's hard to let go of those thoughts completely, at least at the stage we're at now. When they do come, try to recognize what's happening in your mind and choose to replace that thought with something good for you and your new life. Let the rest fall where it may.
As far as this fear, it has subsided a bit. I think it helped me to resolve some of the ambiguity in my own feelings, as well as seeing some of the ambiguity leave my WW's presentation. Also, accomplishing tasks towards D has really helped things too. That in itself makes things less ambiguous.
The great thing about posting on SI, especially to your own posts, is that you can see the progress (or lack thereof) of each post. When I reread the post from last Wednesday, it makes me happy that I am feeling more comfortable in my situation and just taking it one day at a time. Time, that nasty word, actually is one of the best medicines.