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Is this the end?

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Elasticman posted 4/16/2014 15:32 PM

we have been having a partial separation. I have tried my heart out and would do more. We both still love each other and we are kind to each other despite the horrid circumstances. Recently she wanted more space and I have obliged. We are still intimate. Yesterday we were still trying. Today she said "although things have improved dramatically I cant see how I can get past the big issues That's it"

If we communicated in the relationship in the honest way we have done since I don't think that this could have happenned. I have never felt closer to her than in the crisis period when we would have blazing repetitive rows with me answering endless questions about the affair. We agreed that bizarrely this was the most connected we had ever been. If we could have had that communication without me being an idiot.... it would have been so different.

We hugged. She knows that I love her and would do anything for her.

Is that the roller coaster or is it the end?

BrokenButTrying posted 4/16/2014 17:25 PM

Sorry, t/j

If we communicated in the relationship in the honest way we have done since I don't think that this could have happenned

Do you mean the A wouldn't have happened if you and your wife had been able to communicate in this way before you stepped out on her?

If that's what you mean then I, gently, call bullsnot on it. Your A has nothing to do with communication between you and your wife. It's all to do with own inability to communicate your feelings and make good choices.

End t/j

Dday was in December, right? It's too soon so I'd say it was part of the rollercoaster. Ride it with her, keep doing the work, have patience, demonstrate your love for her through actions. Keep going, don't give up or second guess her.

EvolvingSoul posted 4/16/2014 18:09 PM

Definitely too soon. It's possible this really was a deal breaker but that doesn't mean you should do anything differently. Figure yourself out so that you can be a safe person for her or for any future relationship. Keep working on yourself and supporting her, whatever she decides.

soosorrymom posted 4/16/2014 19:18 PM

Am struggling with similar situation. Communication was out downfall and as I have started working on myself it's the one thing I keep trying to improve for us . BH is not as open to it but I'm not giving up .
We are in home seperated and the roller coaster ride is draining . Some good days I think we are making progress then recently we had set back an is now on dating sites.
I'm trying to stay the course an show him how sorry I am and how much I love him .
It may be too late but I'm not giving up . Only 4 months from DD day 2 so he has alot of healing to do .
Just keep communicating beat advise I can give .
Goo or bad don't give up

badchoice posted 4/16/2014 20:02 PM

Is that the roller coaster or is it the end?

I think it is too soon for you to know.

Respect her requests and boundaries, keep working on yourself and keep the communication open and honest.

If we could have had that communication without me being an idiot.... it would have been so different.

I too question this statement.

Best of luck.

bluejay21 posted 4/16/2014 22:52 PM

Communicating is the key. If we communicated better I would not in this situation we are in as I cheated, but there was no physical contact ever happen , but it would of if I was not caught. Now I am paying for it, but also working to repair this mistake. Keep talking.

Elasticman posted 4/17/2014 00:41 AM

Sorry probably didn't explain the communication point too well.
Since the affair we have been in mc and ic. In the first 2 months every conversation was challenging for me as I was admitting to and having to be detailed about my betrayal. Being honest in this circumstance is necessary but it does not feel nice. In our relationship we were always kind to each other
But sometimes this kindness comes at the expense of honesty and open ness. We both avoided topics that were likely to hurt the other. This is false and wrong but it is a characteristic we both share. Since Dday this has not been an option. As a result I have had conversations with my wife about our sex, children, what we do on holiday, how we compliment each other and how we really feel. Comparatively our communication before was like affectionate loving small talk. We never argued. I brought this character trait with me to the relationship. I have always struggled to share problems if I didn't have a solution. Unworkable in a relationship. I had to change that in an instant. And it feels good. I was prepared to do anything to save my relationship including engage in conversations that are tricky. I wish we had arrived at this a different way. If I had had counselling before having an affair that could have helped us get to the kind of communication we now have. The affair was the catalyst for this. Between us this is an obvious non controversial fact. I am not in any way saying that affairs improve communication. We were both avoidant characters who love each other and never criticised one another or stated needs. Other couples maybe start with different problems. Thank you for supporting. What does tj? Mean?

Elasticman posted 4/17/2014 00:56 AM

Sorry forgot to say that our communication
Has at times made me feel more connected to her than I have ever been. We were thinking about having kids. I had the kind of anxieties and concerns that most guys have. I never expressed them to anyone. Although I love children I didn't enjoy the limited baby conversations we had this was quite disconnecting. Post Dday we discussed the same issue and it was quite heated. I shared everything including my fears. She had similar ones. The fears didn't go but I was relieved nonetheless because I felt normal. We talked about what our babies would have looked like. I loved this conversation. It was bookended by fearsome discussions about the affair.

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