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The puppetmaster

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justinpaintoday posted 4/16/2014 17:46 PM

Okay wife and I are going through a divorce. I come home today I look at her I start to get weepy and she hugs me. I go downstairs she comes around the corner and she starts hugging me again. We are both trying to be civil because the kids are suffering from when we fight. But this is very confusing for me. I found out about a second affair this weekend we have not talked about it at all.

She is moving out in a couple weeks and they were moving boxes in the kitchen today. This is what prompted my tears. She said she's been having struggles but I never see them so I'm starting to wonder. It hurts that she's not struggling as much as me.

I know everyone will say detach but it's hard to completely detach without having a negative impact on my children. I told her I struggle because I want to hate her and love her at the same time.

I don't know if I'm venting or just seeking counsel.

She asked me if I told anyone about the affairs I told her she said good because the kids said they would disown you if you did. She's such a puppetmaster she's got me in the quick kids all twisted up. I think my kids are starting to lose perception of what right and wrong is.

My wife sin are seeping into every part of our family I think her influence over the kids and her downplaying of her inappropriate actions is going to have a negative effect on the kids in the future.

5454real posted 4/16/2014 17:58 PM

Wait, how old are your kids? They would *disown* you if you exposed her affairs? Wow, just wow.

So, it's safe to assume the kids know about them. I would also assume they are old enough to discern the difference between honesty and lies. Which do you choose to teach them.

Brother, she's playing you like a fiddle. She knows every button to push and she's desperately pushing them to intimidate you into silence.


ETA Stay away!!! Don't fall for her false comforting. She is deliberately keeping you off balance. N/C = No New Hurts. She is a cold one brother.

[This message edited by 5454real at 6:00 PM, April 16th (Wednesday)]

SBB posted 4/16/2014 18:22 PM

She is a fucking arsehole.

This is emotional abuse - absolutely and completely.

Puppet master indeed. Cut those barbed wire strings brother. Don't fight with her - don't hug her - don't engage.

You are dying on the floor and she is still pouring petrol all over your

When I was in in-house hell we had an agreement where the parent who had the kids also had the house to themselves fro. 7am-10.30pm. We alternated daily, I think.

When I had e house I would go to my room at 10.30pm. He would seek me out to 'talk'. When he had the house he would wait up and seek me out as I came home.

I was dying - I did not have the strength to fight. We cried together, talked about where it all went wrong - he told me all of the ways I failed him under the guise of him owning the blame. It was hideous and so very damaging to me.

Tell everyone - do not allow her to concoct her own story. Tell people she said your kids would disown you if you told. That is a low move - even for her.

Do not talk to her - do not let her near you. It might help you to imagine another mans muck all over her. That worked for me in the end. Visualising it made me want to vomit.

She is a disgusting human being and I cannot believe she is doing this to you now on top of what she has already done.

EXPOSE HER. She is playing the victim here and trying to the your kids against you. Who knows what lies she is telling them. Don't wait until your kids accuse you of hitting her or cheating on her.

She is working overtime in disaster recovery mode not for their benefit but her own. Only her own benefit. She does not care what it does to them or what it does to you.

Talk to them. What she is saying is not true. Tell them you will not keep her secrets not to hurt her but because it is the truth. She needs to own it. Tell them you are sorry they are being put through this but there is no other choice you can make. Help them navigate through this.


Being civil doesn't mean she gets to do whatever the fuck she likes. Being civil means not fighting with her, not doing things for vengeance. She is not being civil - she is fighting dirty.

Leia posted 4/16/2014 18:51 PM

I was in your spot just two short weeks ago, and I know that detachment is the hardest thing. Sounds like you know what you need to do, but the emotions are running deep. It is hard. Stop with the hugs. Back away and don't accept them. Tell your Truth with whoever you choose. Don't know how old your kids are, but model good behavior and try to get out if this situation with grace and your integrity intact. Hang in there and I want to let you know that you're heard.

Merlin posted 4/16/2014 18:56 PM

You know who you're dealing with.

Stop doing this to yourself and your children.

Her decisions and actions are what will now affect your children. You just get to deal with that like many, many people here.

You do that by being a man and father.

You do not do it by wringing your hands and wishing things were different.

justinpaintoday posted 4/16/2014 20:22 PM

I came home and told her I had no interest in telling people about affair (I know some disagree) I told her it is embarassing for me and the kids also and I had no interest in discussing it with anyone.

Here is why: My children know what their mom did was wrong. My children still love my wife with all their heart. The thought of humiliating her genuinley bothers them. So I will no keep her secret for her. But I will for my children , because scumbag or not my children still adore her.

Merlin posted 4/16/2014 21:13 PM

You do not need to humiliate anyone to tell the truth.

Keeping secrets is often enough part of infidelity.

Blabbing about it is not a grown up thing to do.

If you can handle it, then keep your peace.

But don't imagine you're 'doing for the children'.

They are far smarter than you know and are already dealing with this on their own.

Is that what you want?

justinpaintoday posted 4/16/2014 21:26 PM

Merlin: I guess i don't know what I want. Nothing will take away the heartbreak of betrayal. To blab to me will not remedy anything and only create more heartache for my children and me. Believe me I care less about her but the trickle down would cause pain to my kids and is not worth it.

That's how I feel today. Can always act differently in the future but for now there is no need other than revenge. This can be a bitter fruit and I feel it is something I have no interest in discovering at this point in my recovery.

SBB posted 4/16/2014 23:20 PM

She humiliated herself. Not telling doesn't change who she is - it just delays the consequences for her and it limits the support for you. It allows her to rewrite your marital history I her favour.

You are carrying her burden - remember she has been aware of her antics for some time.

You have to choose between two unenviable positions - keep her secret or not - both model behaviours for your kids. They will carry the burden of the secret right along with you.

You will have to lie either outright or by omission when people ask why. So will your kids. She will out herself by ER destructive behaviour sooner or later. There may be an unsuspecting BW or future BW who will feel you kept an important warning or red flag from her.

I wish to god someone had told me what my then husband and his APs were capable of.

"The truth shall set you free".

Having said all of that ultimately you will do what feels right to you. Please don't think you can protect her or your children from the consequences do her actions. It is not your shame
to bear yet you carry her burden.

And for what? To protect a reputation she only wishes to protect publicly?

Unagie posted 4/17/2014 02:58 AM

Imagine this situation reversed and thats where I was. I had an A. I confessed not only the A but all inappropriate behaviors prior to A as well. He asked me to move out for a month I moved in with a friend. I had to buy a storage unit. I packed all my stuff up solo. I cried every day I packed my life into these boxes. Have I mentioned yet that he was involved in his own A's at this point? A's I had to discover and fight for info I packed. I scheduled a mover to come and move the boxes to storage. I did this by myself. I moved the boxes into the truck, off the truck, into the unit all solo. I asked later that day why he let me do it solo and he told me that it was hurting him too and he didn't want to help me leave. Ok I pack what I have left and leave. During the time I am gone I visit him a couple times. He never comes to me, I always go to him. His best friend calls and asks me if my xSO (not ex at the time) has ever told me about talking to other women. I say no, he kind of laughs and says really? I ask xSO and he goes to the backyard to have a 2 hour long convo about this with his bff. I still do not know what this was about. He tells me his bff was not insinuating he had seen other women prior to my A and his bff calls me to tell me he didn't mean that either. After I moved back in we broke up and have been in house separation since. He has asked me to close my storage unit and just move my stuff back in. I have balked and refused.

This is all to say I have been in this situation. I have seen my life being packed into boxes and mourned while being mindfucked on something else. Im not perfect but no one deserves that and I am so sorry your WW is putting you through this.

justinpaintoday posted 4/17/2014 05:00 AM

Let me say you all challenge me immensely and I am grateful. Many of you have seen me progress these last few months. I am truly healing. The biggest hurdle in front of me presently is my WW still in the home. As I build defenses she is keenly aware of my soft spots. Those defenses do not have practice to solidify.

She has started packing and is anticipating a move in the next 2-3 weeks. At this point I feel I will be able to make better progress in healing. Until then I am earnestly trying to detach as mich as possible. Keeping that fine line between being amicable and detached.

My first priority is to maintain an aura of peace for my kids. My youngest cannot handle the stress anymore so I will sacrifice my own situation to keep the peace. That being said I can still do many things to protect myself. I need to be vigilant when I see her pressing my buttons.

Freeme posted 4/17/2014 08:16 AM

ETA Stay away!!! Don't fall for her false comforting. She is deliberately keeping you off balance. N/C = No New Hurts. She is a cold one brother.

Didn't you have a child custody mediation or something yesterday? How did that go?

7yrsflushed posted 4/17/2014 08:59 AM

None of this is a 2x4 jsut my thoughts based on what I have dealt with in my situation.

She asked me if I told anyone about the affairs I told her she said good because the kids said they would disown you if you did.
^^^Maaaaannnn!!! This pisses me off for you! So you tell people what Mom did and the kids will disown you but Mom can FUCK other guys and everything is just fine... To each his own and it's your decision to tell or not but I respectfully call bullshit on your stbxww.

Here is why: My children know what their mom did was wrong. My children still love my wife with all their heart. The thought of humiliating her genuinley bothers them. So I will no keep her secret for her. But I will for my children , because scumbag or not my children still adore her.
I learned the following the hard way. Your children are going to be fine regardless of who knows what. Your kids are going to love both of you regardless of who knows what. You didn't humiliate her she did that to herself. If she feels shame she should. No you don't have to put an ad in the local paper telling people what she did but you don't have to walk around looking like you did something wrong either. And by not telling when people ask or mention your D it does make you look like you did something wrong. It looks that way because unremoresful stbxww has usually been out telling her version. True ro not, fair or not, your silence indicates your unspoken agreement with the story the person heard from your stbxww. It's all about perception. At the end of the day you may not care and that's fine. Like I said it's your choice.

Your kids will be fine because you will be the ROCK for them. Mom may or may not be but YOU definitiely will be. They may not always like the truth but they will learn that Dad ALWAYS gives them the truth. You can choose to keep her secret if you want but I gaurantee you no matter what she tells you your STBXWW is telling EVERYONE that will listen HER version of the truth. That version of the truth will involve YOU being the cause of the disharmony in the M and the reason for the resulting D. You know she left because she just wasn't happy and you were growing apart. you didn't provide correctly. You didn't do this or that. She has to knock you down to protect her image. Liars lie my friend. Like I said it's your choice but don't be surprised when people start treating you like YOU did something wrong. Your WW is manipulating you and she will do it with everyone else as well.

Also stop talking to her. She is no longer a person you can trust to comfort you in your time of need. She fired you from that job and any time she reaches out to you know it's manipulation even if she doesn't realize it. She may genuinely have mixed up feelings but I also bet you that this situation will be turned around and distorted in her head and used against you at some point. For example, if you need her comfort to many times you will get the "you're smothering her speech" which is used as further justification for what she is doing. If your stbxww was one of or the only coping mechanism you had then you need to develop or create some new coping mechanisms. My stbxww used to be my main coping mechanism until at some point after DDay she turned into my biggest trigger. That brought on the first anger phase for me. I had to quickly figure out ways to get my shit together when I had a bad day at work or life sucked in general. I could no longer go to STBXWW to talk things out. I went to the gym, went for a run, called family, went to IC, any and everything accept talking to stbxww. When you hit your first true anger phase you will need those coping mechanisms in place. Your WW isn't remorseful in the least. The more you talk to her the longer your healing will be and the more she can manipulate you.

it's hard to completely detach without having a negative impact on my children
I am going to challenge you a bit on this one. Detaching is hard but the kids aren't the reason. I say that because the kids are already impacted. As soon as your WW went out and slept with another man or men your kids were impacted. She committed the "assault" on your kids future well being as soon as she had the A. The damage was done and anything after is triage for the fallout of her initial assault. When you have an unremoresful WS, YOU, the BS are the triage for your kids. You need to detach and get yourself straight so you can combat all the potential stupidity that is to come from your UNremorseful stbxww. Detaching allows you to put your oxygen mask on first so you can then save your kids. Not all WS's fit into this mold but your seems hella unremorseful so you need to prepare for the worst just in case. I wish you the best. Keep posting it helps and as always take what applies and leave the rest.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 9:10 AM, April 17th (Thursday)]

justinpaintoday posted 4/17/2014 09:30 AM

FreeMe: Child custody went very well. 50/50 joint (not bad in a non gender neutral county). I will pay some child support but it is manageable (I make more $).

7: I hear you. I continue to say that while she is in my home I will struggle. My heart and head still don't connect. I am getting much better but not great. You are right though she is manipulating me. If not intentionally as a defense mechanism to her denial.

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