You said he sent you the music of "Starting Over" yet has not sent a no contact, is not fully disclosing to you, he still has stuff on his phone. He is not starting over. He is still trying to have the best of both worlds.
In all honesty, it wasn't till I was ready to step to the plate and lose it all, that he started making his changes. I will tell you as you decide with or without....it is agony either way. It takes time to heal. I think what helps to make the decision, is he giving EVERYTHING he can give to help you heal. Is he trying to move heaven and earth to keep you? If the answer is no....do you want the agony of staying while he doesn't help you heal? Or would you do better with the agony of being alone, healing and developing a new fresh you and life without his pain?
Take care of yourself!
In all honesty, it wasn't till I was ready to step to the plate and lose it all, that he started making his changes.
^^^Agree. On DDay, my then-W H wouldn't give up his passwords. I told him to get the f*ck out, and he left in the middle of the night to go back to the place he was working during the week (hours from home).
It's when you realize that being the good spouse, the one that waits for the wanderer to do the right thing, the one who believes the word "sorry" but doesn't demand the actions that SHOW "sorry"....when you realize that none of that works and develop a scorched-earth policy...THAT'S when it stops.
What's the worst thing that can happen if you set out conditions for trying to reconcile the marriage after HIS cheating? He'll CHEAT?? ('Cause frankly, short of killing me, cheating was about the worst thing he could've done.) Set your boundaries out clearly and directly, and stick to them. I believe being willing to leave the relationship gives a BS the backbone to fight for his/her right to be respected and to have the marital bond respected.
Reconciliation is really hard work with a fully remorseful spouse. It benefits you to know from the outset whether it's worth your time to even try.
Remember that you are not by nature an 'insecure weepy little person', and try to find the strength within you. Build it up, and trust it. You can handle this. Know that you can't control whether he is able to go NC and honor your M and your needs, but you can control what you will tolerate. You do have power still. You just need to find it again.
SAID HE WAS SORRY THEN DID IT AGAIN.
He's sorry that you CAUGHT him doing it.
There's no remorse from him at all - just regret that he was stupid enough not to cover his tracks better and now he has to deal with the fallout.
I WONDER IF HE REALLY INTENDS ON THE NO CONTACT, HE HAS NOT TOLD HER YET, HE SAID HE WOULD BUT I HAVE NOT SEEN PROOF.
It's STILL all about him.
You can pretty much count on the fact that he's still in contact with her. And I'd also be willing to bet that if he does provide 'proof' to you that he's cut contact with her, it will probably be an email he sent her and asked her to play along with. I hate to say it, but Someone with zero remorse for his rotten behavior really doesn't give a crap about anyone else but HIMSELF.
Blindsided, you seriously need to stand up for yourself. Stop sitting around waiting for HIM to make decisions about where your marriage is headed or what your future holds. That's YOUR decision to make, not his. So stop handing him all the damned power. Look, you can't control his behavior and he's showing you LOUD AND CLEAR where his loyalties lie - and right now, they're clearly with himself.
The worst part is that if you continue to take a passive role, nothing is EVER going to change.
Command the respect you deserve and start making decisions that will benefit YOU and not him.
Be strong - we're rooting for you!
Once you accept that, you can find your backbone, you can set boundaries, you can start moving forward BECAUSE you are making decisions for you. He can join you or stay where he is, but you need to move. Your current situation is killing you inside. The only thing you can control is you and how you respond. Make a change for the better FOR YOU.
"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time."...re: Bionical girl