218, Welcome to SI.
You have made the first step by coming here to find help and healing.
Im the WH Getting what he deserves fearing the loss of my wife of 15+yrs. Shes past the point of working on our marrige. The affair was discovered for the second time around. Wow that is shitty! I dont blame her for wanting a divorce
Sometimes the healing is separate, sometimes it is together and sometimes it happens separate and then together. Either way, right now, you have to let go of the outcome of your marriage and work on healing yourself (figuring out why you got to the point you did) and understanding that your BS did not make this choice, you did.
So now its too little too late! Feeling Sooooo bad. Cant talk with her about it though she did help me navigate through this site tonight!
What your BS could be doing right now is what we call a 180 (see the healing library for this) She is giving herself space for protection from further pain. You have hurt her in a catastrophic way and then was not remorseful of that action and even did it a second time.
Maybe you are too late in this case, maybe you are not. Even if she does decide to D, it is still your choice to show her that you are willing to fix who you are, make a change in your lifestyle and to honor her by being responsible for your actions.
Until then HELP is welcome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I too am a WW. My second DDay (Discovery Day) was just last month. My first DDay was over a year ago. First, write her a letter offering to give her any answer to any questions she may have. Be open. BE HONEST. No matter how painful you think it may be for her. This is the moment that you get to tell her EVERYTHING. If you don't, it will come out later. It will do more damage than if you told her earlier and she will have to go through it all over.
After you do this, here is where the real work begins. BS's need to see remorse. Not regret. Remorse. The difference between the two is you literally feel that catastrophic event that you did in the way your BS did. You get and understand that you blew up your marriage. If you were unhappy in your marriage, you could of asked for counseling or a D. You could of done anything that wouldn't destroy her and make her feel worthless, but you did. That's what happens when you choose to be intimate with someone else other than your spouse. They are suppose to be the chosen one. Not anyone else.
I'm saying all of this because I wish I would of had someone in the beginning when my BS found out to tell me all of this…but I didn't. As a result, I put my BS through more hurt until I discovered SI and had the chance to see what I was doing. As a result, I did the last thing I ever wanted to do again to my BS which was hurt him. Again. (Through TT -trickle truth resulting in another Dday)
It sounds like you are willing to work on yourself by starting counseling. Keep posting on here. Especially on the days you feel the worst. It will help you see what you can improve on and what you are doing correctly. Best of luck to you.
[This message edited by wheredoigo at 10:21 AM, April 17th (Thursday)]