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Newest Member: Mercedes66 (46046)

User Topic: Hurting now
2l8now
♂ 43125
Member # 43125
Stop  Posted: 7:49 PM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

New at this,Im the WH Getting what he deserves fearing the loss of my wife of 15+yrs. Shes past the point of working on our marrige. The affair was discovered for the second time around. Wow that is shitty! I dont blame her for wanting a divorce. 2 weeks ago she wanted me to look at this site and info.Its really helpful. However I was down and out and "Had my head up my Ass" Shes really wonderful for even making that effort. So now its too little too late! Feeling Sooooo bad. Cant talk with her about it though she did help me navigate through this site tonight! Looking forward to my first counseling session next week. Until then HELP is welcome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posts: 1 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Pa
Deeply Scared
♀ 2
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

218..

It's good you joined, I'm positive you'll get a lot of support and guidance.

Can you tell us a bit more about your A and how it was discovered? What steps (besides counseling) are you taking to improve yourself?

Posting here is a really positive step forward


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 199216 | Registered: May 2002
bluejay21
♂ 43137
Member # 43137
Default  Posted: 10:00 PM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree to post and get it out. I was the cheater and paying for it, nothing physical happen but it would if I did not get caught. I am glad I did get caught. I am know trying to work to fix this stupid mistake. I am seeing a Counselor tomorrow. I know you are hurting as you should be, I to am hurting but for the mistake I made. Good luck.

Posts: 27 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: bluejay21
soosorrymom
♀ 24046
Member # 24046
Default  Posted: 6:56 AM, April 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This site is very good for helping you ride the roller coaster ride you are starting . I am a WW who has put my BS through hell . My advise is take it one day at a time and if you really want to help her to the work . It's not easy and painful and will take time . I'm 4 months out from DDay2 just starting to see a few good days and I am greatful when I get them.
Work on yourself. We can't change past only move forward and be better people .
Good luck


me- FWS 40
Him- FBS 42
Married 13 years together 22years
2 amazing kids 12 & 8
DDay May 2008

Posts: 70 | Registered: May 2009
Aubrie
♀ 33886
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, April 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was the cheater and paying for it, nothing physical happen but it would if I did not get caught.
bluejay, I am a FWW that had four EAs. "Nothing physical happened" but I assure you, the pain and suffering my husband has experienced doesn't make my crime any less. I suggest you read "Not Just Friends" by Shirleely Glass. As well as "Emotional Infidelity" by Gary Neuman and "The Emotional Affair" by Ronald and Parodist Potter-Efron. We don't get a gold star got not being physical. An affair is an affair. No matter which way you slice it.

2l8now, welcome. So it may be too late to save your marriage. What's your plan? What steps have you taken, and will continue to take?


"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

Posts: 6532 | Registered: Nov 2011
wheredoigo
♀ 42327
Member # 42327
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, April 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

218, Welcome to SI.

You have made the first step by coming here to find help and healing.

Im the WH Getting what he deserves fearing the loss of my wife of 15+yrs. Shes past the point of working on our marrige. The affair was discovered for the second time around. Wow that is shitty! I dont blame her for wanting a divorce

Sometimes the healing is separate, sometimes it is together and sometimes it happens separate and then together. Either way, right now, you have to let go of the outcome of your marriage and work on healing yourself (figuring out why you got to the point you did) and understanding that your BS did not make this choice, you did.

So now its too little too late! Feeling Sooooo bad. Cant talk with her about it though she did help me navigate through this site tonight!

What your BS could be doing right now is what we call a 180 (see the healing library for this) She is giving herself space for protection from further pain. You have hurt her in a catastrophic way and then was not remorseful of that action and even did it a second time.

Maybe you are too late in this case, maybe you are not. Even if she does decide to D, it is still your choice to show her that you are willing to fix who you are, make a change in your lifestyle and to honor her by being responsible for your actions.

Until then HELP is welcome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I too am a WW. My second DDay (Discovery Day) was just last month. My first DDay was over a year ago. First, write her a letter offering to give her any answer to any questions she may have. Be open. BE HONEST. No matter how painful you think it may be for her. This is the moment that you get to tell her EVERYTHING. If you don't, it will come out later. It will do more damage than if you told her earlier and she will have to go through it all over.

After you do this, here is where the real work begins. BS's need to see remorse. Not regret. Remorse. The difference between the two is you literally feel that catastrophic event that you did in the way your BS did. You get and understand that you blew up your marriage. If you were unhappy in your marriage, you could of asked for counseling or a D. You could of done anything that wouldn't destroy her and make her feel worthless, but you did. That's what happens when you choose to be intimate with someone else other than your spouse. They are suppose to be the chosen one. Not anyone else.

I'm saying all of this because I wish I would of had someone in the beginning when my BS found out to tell me all of this…but I didn't. As a result, I put my BS through more hurt until I discovered SI and had the chance to see what I was doing. As a result, I did the last thing I ever wanted to do again to my BS which was hurt him. Again. (Through TT -trickle truth resulting in another Dday)

It sounds like you are willing to work on yourself by starting counseling. Keep posting on here. Especially on the days you feel the worst. It will help you see what you can improve on and what you are doing correctly. Best of luck to you.

[This message edited by wheredoigo at 10:21 AM, April 17th (Thursday)]


1st marriage BS to xSAWH (34)
WW-2nd marriage (me) 33 to BS(Jt8d) 36
It's important to heal yourself in a healthy way from all hurt or it will hurt you and the ones you love more than the original hurt before.

Posts: 234 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Midwest
bluejay21
♂ 43137
Member # 43137
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, April 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Amazing how helpful I have read here. I post my store and all I got was a kick in the head.

Posts: 27 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: bluejay21
Aubrie
♀ 33886
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, April 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Amazing how helpful I have read here. I post my store and all I got was a kick in the head.
Brother, all I did was recommend some books.

If that makes you feel kicked in the head... wow...

[This message edited by Aubrie at 8:40 PM, April 17th (Thursday)]


"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

Posts: 6532 | Registered: Nov 2011
bluejay21
♂ 43137
Member # 43137
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, April 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Was not pointing the finger at you

Posts: 27 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: bluejay21
Aubrie
♀ 33886
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, April 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bluejay, may I make a suggestion?

Calm down. Take a deeeeeepppp breath. Now exhale.

Its gonna be ok man. Slow down.

This forum is tough. The WS forum is full of...well, WS. They don't sugar coat stuff here. They call a spade a spade. And its tough. However, all advice is given with the best of intentions. We've all walked this shameful path. And we're all here to help one another out. No one is out to get you or hurt you. No one is trying to make you the bad guy. You did that on your own. What the folks here are trying to do is show you different views and ideas to help you become a better person, ok?

Sorry OP for the t/j.


"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

Posts: 6532 | Registered: Nov 2011
Deeply Scared
♀ 2
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 8:54 PM, April 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bluejay21...

You have a PM.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 199216 | Registered: May 2002
Topic Posts: 11

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