Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-

SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: DontWantToWakeUp (45711)

User Topic: Today at IC
rachelc
♀ 30314
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 8:20 PM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"You wouldn't be the person today if you hadn't had your A and then did all the work to be a remorseful spouse. That work kept you from hurting your husband after his affairs and reaching for that coping mechanism again during the worst time in your life."
I need to have more self compassion. I can appreciate the work I've done but there is one big choice I made that was so awful- the day I slept with OM. Really? I need to have self compassion for doing that? Hard to see through to the other side of that.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5491 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
islesguy
♂ 38090
Member # 38090
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, April 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been personally offended when I have had therapists try to promote my positive changes (to be the person and husband I always should have been) or about self forgiveness. I know that this is probably offensive to some but why should there be self forgiveness. I am glad that I make better choices now, but don't celebrate them. I made my choices in the past and I accept them for the disgusting deceitful choices that they were and I accept myself as a cheater and that I will always be a cheater. I am not saying that I would cheat again, because I would rather be dead than do this. But that I am a cheater for life in the same way an alcoholic is an alcoholic for life whether they ever drink again or not.


Me: WH
Father of 3 beautiful girls

* I am a RS (Recovering Scumbag)
* Do as I say, NOT as I did. :-(
* I acknowledge the grace I have received. I know do not deserve it.


Posts: 231 | Registered: Jan 2013
badchoice
♂ 35566
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, April 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is an interesting topic, and something I am struggling with.

I have friends, and my IC that try to get me to see that I need to treat myself better. That loving the self is the basis for self esteem, and lack of self esteem is what really lead me to where I am.

I bristle at the words when someone tells me that I have to forgive myself, but at the same time I understand that at some point I have to in order to really move forward. Understanding and doing it are so far apart at this point though.

Just like I need to have compassion for myself as a child who developed these un-heathly coping skills in the first place, compassion for my family that help form my FOO, I think I will also have to have compassion for myself who made horrible choices in my adult life. If I don't I am afraid I will always be stuck in my guilt, not able to truly love myself.

I do feel like there is a difference between compassion, forgiveness, and just forgetting about it.

But that I am a cheater for life in the same way an alcoholic is an alcoholic for life whether they ever drink again or not.

This is where I differ. I do not look at myself as a cheater for life. I will not let what I did define me in the future. I understand what you are saying, but I feel words have power, and to say that I am a 'cheater for life' is too negative of a definition. KWIM? Words like always, never, and for life are too power of a sentence to put onto myself, and I will not do it.


Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated transitioning to D


Posts: 730 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
rachelc
♀ 30314
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, April 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I need to have compassion for myself as a child who developed these un-heathly coping skills

this is about as far as I can get. Totally realizing I'm not that person anymore and appreciative of how far I've come - that's about it.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5491 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
islesguy
♂ 38090
Member # 38090
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, April 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

badchoice, Like I previously said, I am not suggesting that I would ever be an active cheater again. But with my past actions I have earned (certainly not using the word earned to show this as a positive) the label of cheater as part of who I am because even if I feel like a new person now who makes better choices, that was still me when I was cheating.


Me: WH
Father of 3 beautiful girls

* I am a RS (Recovering Scumbag)
* Do as I say, NOT as I did. :-(
* I acknowledge the grace I have received. I know do not deserve it.


Posts: 231 | Registered: Jan 2013
MissesJai
♀ 24849
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, April 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is where I differ. I do not look at myself as a cheater for life. I will not let what I did define me in the future. I understand what you are saying, but I feel words have power, and to say that I am a 'cheater for life' is too negative of a definition. KWIM? Words like always, never, and for life are too power of a sentence to put onto myself, and I will not do it.
X2 I differ as well. I think everyone knows I cannot stand generalizations.

rachel, I don't think your IC is telling you that you need to have self-compassion for the actual act of sleeping with xOM. I believe the point your IC is trying to make is that if you truly want to move forward with your life and get to a place of peace and acceptance, you have to embrace your growth and appreciate how far you've come in your healing - as a result, you will have more compassion for yourself. It's a process but trust me, it's worth it.


FWW - 41
"Don't think first about the risks of speaking up. Think first about the risks of not speaking up." ~ Kerry Patterson

Posts: 6022 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
badchoice
♂ 35566
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, April 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

T/J

I understand what you are saying, but...

the label of cheater as part of who I am because even if I feel like a new person now who makes better choices, that was still me when I was cheating.

I look at it as the label of cheater is 'who I was', not who I am. It does not define me currently or in the future, and I will not let it. I get what you are saying, but again, I feel like if I use words or labels, they have power to create who I am, and I am not a cheater.

I am not saying that I don't have guilt and shame for what I did. I do, but in my healing I need to be able to define myself from this moment forward, not based on the past.

That is all I am trying to say.
end T/j..

I don't think your IC is telling you that you need to have self-compassion for the actual act of sleeping with xOM.

I agree with this ^^

[This message edited by badchoice at 12:14 PM, April 17th (Thursday)]


Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated transitioning to D


Posts: 730 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
Topic Posts: 7

Return to Forum This Topic is Archived
adultry
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.