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rachelc posted 4/16/2014 20:20 PM

"You wouldn't be the person today if you hadn't had your A and then did all the work to be a remorseful spouse. That work kept you from hurting your husband after his affairs and reaching for that coping mechanism again during the worst time in your life."
I need to have more self compassion. I can appreciate the work I've done but there is one big choice I made that was so awful- the day I slept with OM. Really? I need to have self compassion for doing that? Hard to see through to the other side of that.

islesguy posted 4/17/2014 10:28 AM

I have been personally offended when I have had therapists try to promote my positive changes (to be the person and husband I always should have been) or about self forgiveness. I know that this is probably offensive to some but why should there be self forgiveness. I am glad that I make better choices now, but don't celebrate them. I made my choices in the past and I accept them for the disgusting deceitful choices that they were and I accept myself as a cheater and that I will always be a cheater. I am not saying that I would cheat again, because I would rather be dead than do this. But that I am a cheater for life in the same way an alcoholic is an alcoholic for life whether they ever drink again or not.

badchoice posted 4/17/2014 10:43 AM

This is an interesting topic, and something I am struggling with.

I have friends, and my IC that try to get me to see that I need to treat myself better. That loving the self is the basis for self esteem, and lack of self esteem is what really lead me to where I am.

I bristle at the words when someone tells me that I have to forgive myself, but at the same time I understand that at some point I have to in order to really move forward. Understanding and doing it are so far apart at this point though.

Just like I need to have compassion for myself as a child who developed these un-heathly coping skills in the first place, compassion for my family that help form my FOO, I think I will also have to have compassion for myself who made horrible choices in my adult life. If I don't I am afraid I will always be stuck in my guilt, not able to truly love myself.

I do feel like there is a difference between compassion, forgiveness, and just forgetting about it.

But that I am a cheater for life in the same way an alcoholic is an alcoholic for life whether they ever drink again or not.

This is where I differ. I do not look at myself as a cheater for life. I will not let what I did define me in the future. I understand what you are saying, but I feel words have power, and to say that I am a 'cheater for life' is too negative of a definition. KWIM? Words like always, never, and for life are too power of a sentence to put onto myself, and I will not do it.

rachelc posted 4/17/2014 10:50 AM

I need to have compassion for myself as a child who developed these un-heathly coping skills

this is about as far as I can get. Totally realizing I'm not that person anymore and appreciative of how far I've come - that's about it.

islesguy posted 4/17/2014 11:03 AM

badchoice, Like I previously said, I am not suggesting that I would ever be an active cheater again. But with my past actions I have earned (certainly not using the word earned to show this as a positive) the label of cheater as part of who I am because even if I feel like a new person now who makes better choices, that was still me when I was cheating.

MissesJai posted 4/17/2014 11:38 AM

This is where I differ. I do not look at myself as a cheater for life. I will not let what I did define me in the future. I understand what you are saying, but I feel words have power, and to say that I am a 'cheater for life' is too negative of a definition. KWIM? Words like always, never, and for life are too power of a sentence to put onto myself, and I will not do it.
X2 I differ as well. I think everyone knows I cannot stand generalizations.

rachel, I don't think your IC is telling you that you need to have self-compassion for the actual act of sleeping with xOM. I believe the point your IC is trying to make is that if you truly want to move forward with your life and get to a place of peace and acceptance, you have to embrace your growth and appreciate how far you've come in your healing - as a result, you will have more compassion for yourself. It's a process but trust me, it's worth it.

badchoice posted 4/17/2014 12:12 PM

T/J

I understand what you are saying, but...

the label of cheater as part of who I am because even if I feel like a new person now who makes better choices, that was still me when I was cheating.

I look at it as the label of cheater is 'who I was', not who I am. It does not define me currently or in the future, and I will not let it. I get what you are saying, but again, I feel like if I use words or labels, they have power to create who I am, and I am not a cheater.

I am not saying that I don't have guilt and shame for what I did. I do, but in my healing I need to be able to define myself from this moment forward, not based on the past.

That is all I am trying to say.
end T/j..

I don't think your IC is telling you that you need to have self-compassion for the actual act of sleeping with xOM.

I agree with this ^^

[This message edited by badchoice at 12:14 PM, April 17th (Thursday)]

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