What I would do... While he's gone, bag up everything that is his, throw the bags on the lawn, and have the locks changed. I know that is so hard to do. I really do, but he has NO right torturing you as he is. None at all. He does not deserve to live there and cheat on you, dangling his leaving you I front of your face. If you can find anger amongst all of your emotions, I would latch on to it long enough to find the courage to kick his butt out!
Do not let him use you for one more minute. Be strong and love yourself more than you love him. Hugs. K
I'm so sorry. And YES, I am exactly where you are and I have been for about ten months. IT SUCKS. I can smell her on him when he comes home. He came home with a hickey about a month ago. He comes home with fresh sex scratches on his back. It is truly awful. I completely feel your pain.
That said, DDay wasn't that long ago for you. I was a MESS for about two months. I could barely get off the bedroom floor to function and take care of my kids. But I did. So will you.
It gets better as you move through the grieving process. Once you hit that anger phase, things will really start to turn around for you. That's where I'm sitting now. It still hurts, don't get me wrong...it hurts to see him every day. I have no idea when he's moving out. We are waiting for his attorney, currently, to get a counter offer prepared and sent to mine. I just want it to be over at this point.
But, that isn't how it works. Reach out to to folks IRL who can help you. Come here and post. Drink your water. Eat. Sleep when you need to.
It WILL get better. The faster you can start the 180, the better. I dragged my feet out of fear and codependency. Learn from my mistakes and put it into high gear.
You will be ok. We will help.
Listen. You are going to make it. We will stand beside you in the journey. We have all been through this shit storm. It sucks so bad but you are going to heal and be stronger.
I strongly recommend you find a confidant to help carry your burden. IC, pastor, best friend etc. It is critical to be able to puke on someone. I have a friend who calls me everyday to make sure I am okay. If you don;t have that then unload here. Anything you need to discuss we will listen to and acknowledge.
Breathe. That is your only goal right now. Just breathe.
For 90 days?
Not in a million years.
Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11
It's abuse. It's torture. It's trauma. Regardless of where the WS goes, who he's with, at some point we have to make the choices for OURSELVES. They are selfish, manipulative, heartless liars. We didn't ask for this. There is no reason we should have to continue to suffer their abuse. Do what you can to shut him out, avoid him. NC even In House. Make it as uncomfortable for him as it is for you, without being bitter or vindictive.
Have you explained to him how abusive and traumatic it is for you? I know he probably won't care, but even saying it to my WH helped him make some changes.
EA DDay: 31 Jan, I moved to in-laws
PA DDAY: 23 Feb
DDay 3: 13 May. Back in A.
9 Mar: I moved back. A went underground.
9 Apr: He moved into parents.
14 Apr: Me NC with WH.
from 09/11 - 05/13
2 ONS, 10 sexting partners, 1 LT EA/PA
??/06/13 DD/1 - admits to LT EA, begin false R.
01/13/14 DD/2 - LTA was PA.
01/18/14 DD/3 - sexting 5 guys.
01/19/14 DD/4 - 2 ONS with different guys
Get started. Document everything.
We've got your back.
But TELL someone. You won't believe how people will reach out to you. The shame is not yours, it's his.
Serve him with his official 30 day notice to vacate the premises.
Since you own the home, I'd make sure to make it as INHOSPITABLE as possible for the freeloading fool.
Yes, I too lived at home with my STBXH for close to one Year with him, not willing to go NC with the OW, and not willing to fully R, because he had to "feel it" and "you can't tell me what to feel"
I was in LIMBO, I did the pick me dance, tried to nice him out of it, and it wasn't until I got angry that he got it - that he could not continue to torture me and our children. I look back on that, and I really don't know how I kept my job, kept my kids on their schedules, and I didn't go insane. It truly was the most horrendous time of my life.
When he finally left - it was a relief, I could sleep again, I could smile again. And guess what? within 3-4 months of him leaving - OW left him for good!!!
Find your anger.. You are a confident woman, you deserve much more than this. You need to teach your children than no woman should be treated this way... You will not go under, we will be here to lift you up!
[This message edited by jackie89 at 7:43 AM, April 17th (Thursday)]
I'm so sorry. To realize the person you loved and trusted is not who you thought, that they are willing to callously throw you away--it hurts! And then to have him claiming his rights to stay in-house?! The freaking nerve!!!!
Protect your belongings, don't interact with him, get support IRL from friends, family, IC, eat well and exercise if you can, and focus on you.
The sooner he is gone from your life the better, as it will let you focus on healing. It's not fair, and it's hard to cut the ties when you are a genuinely loving person, but as they say--he's showing you who he is; believe him.