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Newest Member: bob74 (46035)

User Topic: I can't cope.
goingunder
♀ 43138
Member # 43138
Default  Posted: 10:45 PM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For now I can only bring myself to give the short version of my story. I have been with SO for five years. We are not married but do live together with my 2 children from my previous marriage. D day was 4/5/14 when I didn't recognize a phone number that showed up on the bill A LOT. I checked his phone and found gut wrenching messages between them. I confronted him, he lied for about 24 hours. Now he has admitted that he is going to leave me for her but he won't move out of my house yet. He is waiting on a bonus he should be getting in about 90 days.
I am normally a confident, well adjusted woman. Now I'm just a weepy mess. I can't eat or sleep. He thinks I should be ok with his staying here but I'm not. I look at him and know I've lost my best friend, our dreams, our plans together. I know when he comes home he has been with her. I can't do this.
Has anyone else had to live in the same house knowing that their SO was having an A and planning on leaving? I have read the 180 but the emotions are so fresh and raw, that I can't keep them under control.
Thanks for any suggestions you may have.


Posts: 3 | Registered: Apr 2014
TXMommy
♀ 28857
Member # 28857
Default  Posted: 10:52 PM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry you're here, but really everyone here is amazing, and you will find wonderful support and advice here.

What I would do... While he's gone, bag up everything that is his, throw the bags on the lawn, and have the locks changed. I know that is so hard to do. I really do, but he has NO right torturing you as he is. None at all. He does not deserve to live there and cheat on you, dangling his leaving you I front of your face. If you can find anger amongst all of your emotions, I would latch on to it long enough to find the courage to kick his butt out!
((Hugs))


ME - BS - 33
WH - 30
Married 9 years, together 11
2 kids: D8, S2
D-Day: June 10th, 2010
Trudging through R.

Posts: 593 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: TX
kansas1968
♀ 32214
Member # 32214
Default  Posted: 11:00 PM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with TXMommy. Kick him out. He is just using you at this point. F*** his bonus. Get him out. It seem impossible sometime to beleive that a person that you trusted and that you love and that you thought loved you can really be such a shit, but if you read enough on this message board, you know that they can.

Do not let him use you for one more minute. Be strong and love yourself more than you love him. Hugs. K


Me - BS
Him - FWS
DD - December 14, 2010
Married 43 years 1/14/2011
Affair lasted 7+ years
Affair had been over for 2 years before I found out. OW sent me a letter.

Posts: 1320 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Kansas
nekorb
♀ 40306
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 11:04 PM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((goingunder)))

I'm so sorry. And YES, I am exactly where you are and I have been for about ten months. IT SUCKS. I can smell her on him when he comes home. He came home with a hickey about a month ago. He comes home with fresh sex scratches on his back. It is truly awful. I completely feel your pain.

That said, DDay wasn't that long ago for you. I was a MESS for about two months. I could barely get off the bedroom floor to function and take care of my kids. But I did. So will you.

It gets better as you move through the grieving process. Once you hit that anger phase, things will really start to turn around for you. That's where I'm sitting now. It still hurts, don't get me wrong...it hurts to see him every day. I have no idea when he's moving out. We are waiting for his attorney, currently, to get a counter offer prepared and sent to mine. I just want it to be over at this point.

But, that isn't how it works. Reach out to to folks IRL who can help you. Come here and post. Drink your water. Eat. Sleep when you need to.

It WILL get better. The faster you can start the 180, the better. I dragged my feet out of fear and codependency. Learn from my mistakes and put it into high gear.

You will be ok. We will help.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
goingunder
♀ 43138
Member # 43138
Default  Posted: 11:25 PM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone. I should have stated that I did want to throw him out, even packed his stuff. The fight was horrible and eventually someone called the police. Turns out I have to go through a legal eviction process and can't just throw him out. The police officer helped him carry his stuff back into the house.
Nekorb I can't imagine your pain for 10 months. I don't feel like I can get through another day. I don't have the strength to tell anyone IRL yet. I don't know that I ever will.

Posts: 3 | Registered: Apr 2014
justinpaintoday
♂ 42858
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 5:09 AM, April 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Going under: First I am sorry you are here. None of us ever dreamed the day would come that we had to be in this situation. Every horrible emotion you are feeling is normal. Every pain is so intense right now.

Listen. You are going to make it. We will stand beside you in the journey. We have all been through this shit storm. It sucks so bad but you are going to heal and be stronger.

I strongly recommend you find a confidant to help carry your burden. IC, pastor, best friend etc. It is critical to be able to puke on someone. I have a friend who calls me everyday to make sure I am okay. If you don;t have that then unload here. Anything you need to discuss we will listen to and acknowledge.

Breathe. That is your only goal right now. Just breathe.


I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
Gemstone
♀ 42000
Member # 42000
Default  Posted: 5:13 AM, April 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You can't just kick him out? Wow.
Well you can make sure he isn't comfortable. Don't do a single thing for him, no cooking, washing, fetching or carrying, if he doesn't want to be with you, well he can start right now. Don't instigate any conversations and answer only in one syllable wherever possible.
What he is doing is cruel. Get the eviction process in motion now. You agreeing to him staying isn't going to change his mind and you have no chance of starting your recovery with him there and rubbing your nose in it.
Get angry, as hard as it may be, you can do your crying later, you don't deserve this treatment, if he wants out then he should be a man about it and go and not subject you to this just because he needs money first.

Posts: 97 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: United Kindgdon
Merlin
♂ 30221
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 6:22 AM, April 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In your house?

For 90 days?

Seriously?

Not in a million years.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
Blindsided2014
♀ 43117
Member # 43117
Default  Posted: 6:30 AM, April 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry you find yourself here. I agree with TXMommy but my WH was back after 4 days saying the same thing - his name is on the house. Why he can't wait for his bonus check at HER house? If not then you just need to pull back , carry on like he is not there, dont cook anything he'd like, go out for walks when he gets home, get all of his crap out of YOUR bedroom and make him sleep elsewhere, at least when you go there it is YOURS, buy new sheets. Not ideal but you can make your room your sanctuary somewhere he is no longer welcome.
(((HUG)))


Me- 44 Him- 44
Married 9/2002
D Day= 12/2013 suspected 4/12/14 confirmed when I found text. DDay #2 5/21/2014
No kids together
The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.
YEAH Well THAT BIT ME IN THE ASS

Posts: 18 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Orlando FL
justasinger
♂ 43031
Member # 43031
Default  Posted: 6:46 AM, April 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Goingunder,
Very sorry to hear the situation your WSO is putting you in. I agree with what everyone else is saying, you need to get him out of the house as soon as possible, and not just for you. I assume that your two children have come to look at this man as a father figure and this is going to be hard on them as well. You need to think of yourself and your children at this point. Is your WSO military? If he is, then I have some experience in that aspect and am certain that his command would order him out of the house immediately if they knew what was going on. I can definitely help you if this is the case.
My situation is a bit different, I'm in house with WSO (sometimes, she's gone for a week every month right now, "working") and my two children are hers. Talking on here has been the best help for me. Everyone here has good intentions and wants only to help.


BSO -me 38
WSO - her 30
2x DD ages 6 and 4
D-day #1 APR08 (supposed ONS w/OM)
D-day #2 1JAN13 2x ONS w/OM and OW, and a ONS
D-day #3 22APR14 (admitted to another ONS that she didn't fess up to during DDay #2)

Posts: 164 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: New England
selfrespect911
♀ 42746
Member # 42746
Default  Posted: 6:53 AM, April 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH's A went underground when I moved back in last month. I had to spend a month living with him, knowing he was sneaking around and lying. Knowing that he doesn't care at all about how he's treating me, knowing that he 'loves' her and thinks she is his future, not us. For a month it was full of New Hurts and unimaginable pain. I confronted him a week ago and he moved in with his parents. 5 days later, in anger at having to end his A, he came stomping into my room telling me that he has no desire to make it work, he's 'done' with our marriage, he has no feelings for me. Spouting hate at me because he doesn't want to take responsibility for anything. Luckily he's still staying at his parents because I would probably die of a broken heart if I had to face him everyday knowing he feels that way about me. I'm already struggling to leave bed each day, but I somehow do it.

It's abuse. It's torture. It's trauma. Regardless of where the WS goes, who he's with, at some point we have to make the choices for OURSELVES. They are selfish, manipulative, heartless liars. We didn't ask for this. There is no reason we should have to continue to suffer their abuse. Do what you can to shut him out, avoid him. NC even In House. Make it as uncomfortable for him as it is for you, without being bitter or vindictive.

Have you explained to him how abusive and traumatic it is for you? I know he probably won't care, but even saying it to my WH helped him make some changes.


BS 26
WH 32
Nov-?? A with his Ex

EA DDay: 31 Jan, I moved to in-laws
PA DDAY: 23 Feb
DDay 3: 13 May. Back in A.

9 Mar: I moved back. A went underground.
9 Apr: He moved into parents.
14 Apr: Me NC with WH.


Posts: 148 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: UK
soulshattered
♂ 43101
Member # 43101
Default  Posted: 6:55 AM, April 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This whole process is still raw for me, but I have to tell you that this "man," and I use the term loosely, if this is the way he treats you at a most vulnerable time of your life, well then let her have him. He is everything that a man is not. Put him in his own room or on the couch; do NOTHING for him and don't speak to him; shut him out completely. If it was me, I'd post a sign on the lawn letting the whole world know that not only did this scumbag cheat and is leaving you, but he's going to ride your coattails for another three months. In other words make him uncomfortable. Know in your heart that not every man in the world is this despicable. If he was a real man he would treat you with respect and dignity even though the relationship is over - there is no other option for a man. This forum is a great vent, surround yourself with friends, start the eviction process, live your life like he's already gone and don't look back. If that's his way of treating another human being let alone someone he was supposed to have loved, then you have everything to gain and nothing to lose by having him out of your life. I hope you find the strength and resiliency to make it through however long it takes to see him go - and then begin to live the life you and your children deserves. People like him disgust me because they never stop using and his "new" relationship is in for a bumpy ride ...


BH - 53
DDay - 4/4/14
Together 21 years
Completely Devastated and Trying Hard

Posts: 49 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: NS Canada
william
41986
Member # 41986
Default  Posted: 6:56 AM, April 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

although my words will sound empty, i can assure you that we have all been where you are now. we have all wondered the same thing. we have all felt this intense pain. you can survive this. you can cope. you will get better. it will take time, you will have steps backward as you progress onwards. but you can and will make it!


me - bh
her - lara01

from 09/11 - 05/13
2 ONS, 10 sexting partners, 1 LT EA/PA

??/06/13 DD/1 - admits to LT EA, begin false R.
01/13/14 DD/2 - LTA was PA.
01/18/14 DD/3 - sexting 5 guys.
01/19/14 DD/4 - 2 ONS with different guys


Posts: 589 | Registered: Jan 2014
nekorb
♀ 40306
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 7:05 AM, April 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Get that eviction process going honey. It takes time. He is obviously not going to go peacefully it anytime soon.

Get started. Document everything.

We've got your back.

But TELL someone. You won't believe how people will reach out to you. The shame is not yours, it's his.

(((Hugs)))


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
NeverAgain2013
♀ 38121
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 7:13 AM, April 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would have been down at the courthouse the SECOND the police informed me that you need to go through an eviction process.

Serve him with his official 30 day notice to vacate the premises.

Since you own the home, I'd make sure to make it as INHOSPITABLE as possible for the freeloading fool.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1956 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
justasinger
♂ 43031
Member # 43031
Default  Posted: 7:29 AM, April 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also, it will be a PITA, but if you can lock the food up so he has to get his own, make the fridge inaccessible, not sure how many bathrooms you have, but if you only have one make that inaccessible too. TV's, internet, etc...


BSO -me 38
WSO - her 30
2x DD ages 6 and 4
D-day #1 APR08 (supposed ONS w/OM)
D-day #2 1JAN13 2x ONS w/OM and OW, and a ONS
D-day #3 22APR14 (admitted to another ONS that she didn't fess up to during DDay #2)

Posts: 164 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: New England
jackie89
♀ 38271
Member # 38271
Default  Posted: 7:40 AM, April 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I urge you to find a solution to separate from him, if he won't leave on his own, try the eviction notice first or then you leave. He may be saying it's 90 days, but could be a lot longer. Maybe he's just testing the waters with her now - since there are no more secrets, the fantasy bubble might just burst or he might keep torturing you forever, because he knows how much you love him. He wants to have his cake (you) - just in case.... Find your anger. If this was happening to a friend, what would you be telling her??

Yes, I too lived at home with my STBXH for close to one Year with him, not willing to go NC with the OW, and not willing to fully R, because he had to "feel it" and "you can't tell me what to feel"

I was in LIMBO, I did the pick me dance, tried to nice him out of it, and it wasn't until I got angry that he got it - that he could not continue to torture me and our children. I look back on that, and I really don't know how I kept my job, kept my kids on their schedules, and I didn't go insane. It truly was the most horrendous time of my life.

When he finally left - it was a relief, I could sleep again, I could smile again. And guess what? within 3-4 months of him leaving - OW left him for good!!!

Find your anger.. You are a confident woman, you deserve much more than this. You need to teach your children than no woman should be treated this way... You will not go under, we will be here to lift you up!

(((((goingunder)))

[This message edited by jackie89 at 7:43 AM, April 17th (Thursday)]


I edit - because I hate misspellings or grammar mistakes.

Separated/divorcing

"The Secret of Change is to focus all your energy - not on fighting the old, but on building the new" ~~Lori Greiner FB post~~


Posts: 541 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
12yearsloyal
♀ 43064
Member # 43064
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, April 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, Sorry you are here like all of us. It truly sucks to be in this situation. My only suggestion, take photos with a date stamp of things/rooms in your house. Just in case he decides he wants to damage the place. Better to have good documentation than not. Also, maybe a nanny cam in the rooms he will be using until he gets his sorry ass out. I'm so new to this myself I don't have much advice other than the 180 and try to detach as much as possible.


Him: WS, 51 LTA/EA/PA(he says 1 yr, evidence = 2 yrs) D Day 3/10/14
Me: BS 52
OW: Caribbean whore, ugly
What I want: Profound, deep, passionate love.
What I got: Betrayal, heartache and Xanax.

Posts: 182 | Registered: Apr 2014
SoVerySadNow
♀ 36711
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, April 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The eviction process shouldn't take as long as 90 days. The fact that you start that process, and that you are serious, should bring some reality in for him. That and the 180.


Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1292 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
norabird
♀ 42092
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, April 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((goingunder))))

I'm so sorry. To realize the person you loved and trusted is not who you thought, that they are willing to callously throw you away--it hurts! And then to have him claiming his rights to stay in-house?! The freaking nerve!!!!

Protect your belongings, don't interact with him, get support IRL from friends, family, IC, eat well and exercise if you can, and focus on you.

The sooner he is gone from your life the better, as it will let you focus on healing. It's not fair, and it's hard to cut the ties when you are a genuinely loving person, but as they say--he's showing you who he is; believe him.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4235 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Topic Posts: 25
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