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Desire to Rebound

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knockeddown posted 4/17/2014 05:02 AM

I feel like I am dealing with many of my emotions effectively, but the one thing I am struggling with is loneliness. I want to have an intimate connection with someone right now so desperately and it is clouding my vision of what I know is best for me. I have feelings for a coworker with whom I have shared in the past that I could see myself with her if things were different (I said this to her while I was married). We have flirted and I know that she wants to be with me, but she also knows about my situation. I know that right now I would make any relationship toxic with my emotional needs. I know it's best to resist the temptation of proceeding with initiating a relationship, AND it is the hardest thing ever. Never in my entire life have I lived alone. When I moved from home to college, my wife and I hit it off immediately and I always stayed in her dorm. I have spent maybe a total of 20 days alone in the past 9 years since I have been with my wife. I feel like I am avoiding being alone at all costs. I have friends coming over every night of the week or I have some kind of something planned so I don't have to be alone and by myself.

OK now posted 4/17/2014 05:18 AM

Obviously, as you have stated yourself, you are not ready for another relationship. Putting aside your current situation you need to find out why you cannot tolerate being alone.

It would be good for you to develop a comfortable relationship with yourself and not rely on other people as crutches. I urge you to seek out counseling and get to the origin of this problem; why you need to be with people so much and the reluctance to be alone.

You will never have a better friend than yourself. Its not self-love to treasure moments alone and to trust your own decisions above all. Learn these concepts, or you will never develop enough personal strength to weather the garbage that life will throw at you.

Gemstone posted 4/17/2014 05:27 AM

So while you were with your wife, you were flirting with another woman and having inappropriate conversations with her (you say you told her you would be with her if things were different) you had/have feelings for her.

This is behaviour that starts many of the affairs on this site. Sorry but it sounds like your wife just beat you to it.

And i wouldn't say she was a good bet for a new relationship as she obviously has no moral boundaries either

selfrespect911 posted 4/17/2014 06:11 AM

I understand your desire. We know it's stupid and would destroy ourselves only further by doing so. The loneliness is overwhelming. For me, my WH got scared and instead of talking to me about it, he decided he'd just take the easy way out and 'move on' to someone else - which as we all know is NOT healthy. They both ended up destroying each other and everyone around them - AP had just left her H and was rebounding, but AP and WH want to believe it was 'true love'... Right.

So I'm left here, alone. Stuck in a marriage. Trying to heal from what he's done to me, with no sympathy or remorse from him and all I can think is how amazing I was at loving him. I was a great wife. He says it wasn't me and we all know that's very true, I did nothing. The problems come from him. But that doesn't change the fact that for 3 months before I found out I was left in the cold, with no attention, affection, remorse, or love, while he was off having a fantasy relationship with his AP, and having none of my needs met in the slightest. And for 2 more months he was still nurturing his fantasy with her while I suffered his abuse. How selfish. How unfair. I'm the one who deserves real, subsisting love and now I'm the one alone heartbroken and certain I'll never love again, at least not for a very long time, despite wanting love. I was never given a chance.

I know it's just attention I want. I want WH's love back, but that's not happening. My love was wasted for 5 months, my whole heart went into him and I got NOTHING back. I'm stuck in a marriage with a pathetic H and I have no freedom to find the love I deserve.

Obviously I need to focus on myself now. The feeling of emptiness and abandonment will lessen with time. Doesn't change how angry and depressed I feel at having my chance at love manipulated, used, abused, and stolen.

First, learn how to be alone with your loneliness. Figure out how to embrace yourself without surrounding yourself with friends. Not always - companionship is important right now. But take steps towards being OK with being alone.

Second, I suggest reading about co-dependency. Learning how to nurture yourself without needing someone will be the most important step before you find love again.

Third, find a counsellor. It helps.

[This message edited by selfrespect911 at 6:11 AM, April 17th (Thursday)]

12yearsloyal posted 4/17/2014 08:23 AM

My only suggestion is getting involved with a co-worker is not a good idea. You are mixing livelihood with something that could make this area of your life a complete mess. My WS currently works with his ho. Now our family livelihood is at risk because he has to find new employment to save his marriage. Never a good idea to get involved with someone at the work place.

Remember the old saying: Don't get your meat where you get your bread.

norabird posted 4/17/2014 10:19 AM

This is a very, very natural instinct; you want a boost to your self-esteem, some validation, some distraction. All quite normal. However--normal does not equal healthy. It certainly is not fair to the co-worker, it is not wise for your healing, and it is time to learn how to become comfortable with being alone. Relying on friends as support is great, as is keeping busy, but you have to eventually grow your capacity to simply be with yourself.

Perhaps you're avoiding it because you fear your feelings overwhelming you and breaking free. It's hard sometimes to actually feel all of the pain and hurt and betrayal from this situation, but sometimes, it should be let out and acknowledged, not just stuffed down and ignored. Allow yourself a safe space and time to just sit with your feelings, and with yourself, and you will realize that it's not so scary, and that you can do it.

annb posted 4/17/2014 14:03 PM

I have feelings for a coworker with whom I have shared in the past that I could see myself with her if things were different (I said this to her while I was married). We have flirted and I know that she wants to be with me, but she also knows about my situation

^^^This, sir, is an EA.

Step away from this person, it is only going to lead to more heartache and destruction.

jjct posted 4/17/2014 14:48 PM

knockeddown posted 4/17/2014 20:51 PM

Wow, yea, I never thought of it as an EA. On one hand, I could act defensive and say that it was benign. On the other hand, I did fantasize about being with the other woman. However, I never took it any further and I told her that I love my wife and I want to be with my wife.

Daddo posted 4/17/2014 20:59 PM

I avoided relationships for a long time after my marriage. Frankly, it was a mistake. Go forth and live. You may get hurt - but you may recover faster. No-one knows what the future will bring. But if you find someone you honestly like and think you may be able to build something with, go for it.

Daddo posted 4/17/2014 21:03 PM

Let me amend my response. . . don't mix business with pleasure, don't enter a relationship with someone you know ahead of time won't or shouldn't work out. If you have kids, keep your life with them completely separate from your dating life and finally, don't be a OM.

Other than that, go forth and live.

justinpaintoday posted 4/17/2014 21:13 PM

Don;t confuse being alone and lonliness. Lonliness is when you don;t feel comfortable enough in your own skin to be by yourself.

Alone means you are solo but that's ok. Maybe not desireable long term but being with just yourself is not a dreaded feeling.

Be careful not to use a person to fill an unhealthy hole. You will only risk hurting yourself more.

jagged posted 4/18/2014 09:51 AM

What you're feeling - a desire for intimacy - is a natural thing at this point, but the opportunity to take this time to learn a few things about yourself is something you shouldn't overlook.

And I'll join the 2X4 crowd here and say there's some work to do:

On one hand, I could act defensive and say that it was benign.

You could act defensive, sure - but it was FAR from benign. Bluntly, this is an example of shitty boundaries, and a disrespect for your spouse and relationship - even a troubled relationship.

Fantasies of another woman? So you're human. Where humans get into trouble is not putting boundaries on those thoughts...not "keeping it real", as they say.

Friend, please recognize that "If things were different..." is not sharing a pensive moment with someone - it's a deliberate way to signal your romantic interest in them without appearing to cross a line, to plant a seed and see what might grow...there's no other reason to say it. It's a waters-tester that has launched a hundred thousand affairs, right up there with "she/he doesn't listen to me like you do"...

[This message edited by jagged at 9:52 AM, April 18th (Friday)]

Gemstone posted 4/18/2014 09:57 AM

So glad someone else sees the comments the same as I do. I was beginning to think it was only me

confused615 posted 4/18/2014 10:05 AM

Nope. Telling OW you would be with her if you weren't married...all kinds of wrong.

You say you know she wants to be with clearly lots n lots of boundaries have been crossed.

Im sorry you're hurting. But this woman? Why would you want to be with someone who has made it clear that she has no problem being with a married man? You already have one woman in your life that didn't honor marriage and fidelity...don't invite another one in.

I see you are separated. If you are heading for a D, then get some IC and get yourself in a good place...then...and after the D...then date.

But this woman? No. She's a wayward. She's flirted with you and been obvious in her desire for you. While you were married.

No. No. No.

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