Me- BS 28 Always faithful
Her- WS 29
2 mo.? PA
Married 5 years (lived together 9)
Marriage Dissolved - 10/9/2014
It would be good for you to develop a comfortable relationship with yourself and not rely on other people as crutches. I urge you to seek out counseling and get to the origin of this problem; why you need to be with people so much and the reluctance to be alone.
You will never have a better friend than yourself. Its not self-love to treasure moments alone and to trust your own decisions above all. Learn these concepts, or you will never develop enough personal strength to weather the garbage that life will throw at you.
This is behaviour that starts many of the affairs on this site. Sorry but it sounds like your wife just beat you to it.
And i wouldn't say she was a good bet for a new relationship as she obviously has no moral boundaries either
So I'm left here, alone. Stuck in a marriage. Trying to heal from what he's done to me, with no sympathy or remorse from him and all I can think is how amazing I was at loving him. I was a great wife. He says it wasn't me and we all know that's very true, I did nothing. The problems come from him. But that doesn't change the fact that for 3 months before I found out I was left in the cold, with no attention, affection, remorse, or love, while he was off having a fantasy relationship with his AP, and having none of my needs met in the slightest. And for 2 more months he was still nurturing his fantasy with her while I suffered his abuse. How selfish. How unfair. I'm the one who deserves real, subsisting love and now I'm the one alone heartbroken and certain I'll never love again, at least not for a very long time, despite wanting love. I was never given a chance.
I know it's just attention I want. I want WH's love back, but that's not happening. My love was wasted for 5 months, my whole heart went into him and I got NOTHING back. I'm stuck in a marriage with a pathetic H and I have no freedom to find the love I deserve.
Obviously I need to focus on myself now. The feeling of emptiness and abandonment will lessen with time. Doesn't change how angry and depressed I feel at having my chance at love manipulated, used, abused, and stolen.
First, learn how to be alone with your loneliness. Figure out how to embrace yourself without surrounding yourself with friends. Not always - companionship is important right now. But take steps towards being OK with being alone.
Second, I suggest reading about co-dependency. Learning how to nurture yourself without needing someone will be the most important step before you find love again.
Third, find a counsellor. It helps.
[This message edited by selfrespect911 at 6:11 AM, April 17th (Thursday)]
EA DDay: 31 Jan, I moved to in-laws
PA DDAY: 23 Feb
DDay 3: 13 May. Back in A.
9 Mar: I moved back. A went underground.
9 Apr: He moved into parents.
14 Apr: Me NC with WH.
Remember the old saying: Don't get your meat where you get your bread.
Perhaps you're avoiding it because you fear your feelings overwhelming you and breaking free. It's hard sometimes to actually feel all of the pain and hurt and betrayal from this situation, but sometimes, it should be let out and acknowledged, not just stuffed down and ignored. Allow yourself a safe space and time to just sit with your feelings, and with yourself, and you will realize that it's not so scary, and that you can do it.
I have feelings for a coworker with whom I have shared in the past that I could see myself with her if things were different (I said this to her while I was married). We have flirted and I know that she wants to be with me, but she also knows about my situation
^^^This, sir, is an EA.
Step away from this person, it is only going to lead to more heartache and destruction.
Other than that, go forth and live.
Alone means you are solo but that's ok. Maybe not desireable long term but being with just yourself is not a dreaded feeling.
Be careful not to use a person to fill an unhealthy hole. You will only risk hurting yourself more.
And I'll join the 2X4 crowd here and say there's some work to do:
On one hand, I could act defensive and say that it was benign.
You could act defensive, sure - but it was FAR from benign. Bluntly, this is an example of shitty boundaries, and a disrespect for your spouse and relationship - even a troubled relationship.
Fantasies of another woman? So you're human. Where humans get into trouble is not putting boundaries on those thoughts...not "keeping it real", as they say.
Friend, please recognize that "If things were different..." is not sharing a pensive moment with someone - it's a deliberate way to signal your romantic interest in them without appearing to cross a line, to plant a seed and see what might grow...there's no other reason to say it. It's a waters-tester that has launched a hundred thousand affairs, right up there with "she/he doesn't listen to me like you do"...
[This message edited by jagged at 9:52 AM, April 18th (Friday)]
You say you know she wants to be with you...so clearly lots n lots of boundaries have been crossed.
Im sorry you're hurting. But this woman? Why would you want to be with someone who has made it clear that she has no problem being with a married man? You already have one woman in your life that didn't honor marriage and fidelity...don't invite another one in.
I see you are separated. If you are heading for a D, then get some IC and get yourself in a good place...then...and after the D...then date.
But this woman? No. She's a wayward. She's flirted with you and been obvious in her desire for you. While you were married.
No. No. No.
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.