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remembering big giant red flags

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Klove posted 4/17/2014 10:18 AM

Last year this weekend my parents took the boys for a sleepover so stbxwh and I could have a night to ourselves. We were 6 months past dday and my parents knew everything...so they were trying to help us out after many gruelling months.

We went out for dinner. I got all dressed up really nicely. Stbxwh got hammered. Drank 2 bottles of wine himself. I was upset but thought- if you can't beat 'em, join 'em and got a little lit myself. Instead of going home after to maybe make love, he wanted to go out to this new bar he heard of and get even more hammered. I was really disappointed. I remember going into the bathroom at the restaurant and crying- but then wiping off the tears and smiling and agreeing to go. The evening ended with a cab ride home with my stbxwh bringing take out poutine with him, drunkenly slobbering it all over himself, and being not even sober enough to pay the cab driver and then passing out on the couch.

I remember bringing up how disappointed I was in that night weeks later and he was furious at me stating that I never told him my intentions for the evening and what was he, a fucking mind reader?

It's remembering times like these I realize I can never go back to that hell. Everything was disappointment after disappointment and slowly ate at my self esteem until it was almost gone. I remember thinking- what is wrong with me? Why doesn't he want me?

Painful memories...

imwideawake posted 4/17/2014 10:22 AM

(Hugs). I know it's painful to realize how much crap we accepted. But once we look at it and promise ourselves we will never settle again, life gets good!

nowiknow23 posted 4/17/2014 10:24 AM

((((klove))))

Nature_Girl posted 4/17/2014 11:06 AM

((((HUGS)))

Eventually you'll learn to forgive yourself.

norabird posted 4/17/2014 11:26 AM

((((Klove))))

I'm sorry. Better to see the light now than never.

jackie89 posted 4/17/2014 11:31 AM

((( Klove)))

Softcentre posted 4/17/2014 14:14 PM

((Klove))

But also a gentle 2x4 for the future: If you feel like that on a date, tell your date. Your STBXWH was a complete jerk, that's all on him...but you didn't tell him how you felt or what you wanted.Yes, he bloody well should have known, but once you realised how it was going, you should have spoken up.

I'm saying this because I do this too. I'm realising that it's something I need to change myself. I need to speak up more about how I feel when my boundaries are crossed or when someone treats me with disrespect. Klove, we deserve to be treated better than we have been. We both need to learn to speak up for ourselves, and to believe that we deserve to be treated right.

Caretaker1 posted 4/17/2014 14:41 PM

What stinks is....had you both spoke about your desires that night who knows what would have happened. Divorce sucks....the ripple effects are numerous. I'm still grappling with the trauma.

ButterflyGirl posted 4/17/2014 14:46 PM

Get ready for this stage. You know how many ridiculously obvious red flags I should have caught? Geez does it stink thinking of another one..

My ex was smashed drunk our wedding night and for the birth of both of our sons. Shoulda been a clue!

He also told me he was staying with a friend, and when I called the friend since ex wasn't answering, friend said he hadn't talked to him in weeks. Then (like a moron), I believed his second cover story.

But I don't feel like an idiot anymore. I did the best I could with the knowledge I had. And now I have more knowledge, and I'm smarter and wiser and will be better able to bounce back from mistakes.

Don't feel bad girl. We were all manipulated..

ETA: FTGs!!!!!

[This message edited by ButterflyGirl at 2:50 PM, April 17th (Thursday)]

Klove posted 4/17/2014 16:41 PM

No he knew what I wanted...he always knew what I wanted which was always more intimacy- which is whenever he got into a situation that had clear intimate implications (my parents are taking the kids so we can spend time alone) he got shitfaced.
He got shitfaced every time we went away together...

You're right though. I won't settle or let boundries be crossed. I won't make nice in those moments just to please anyone and say what I want.

SBB posted 4/17/2014 18:16 PM

It's remembering times like these I realize I can never go back to that hell. Everything was disappointment after disappointment and slowly ate at my self esteem until it was almost gone. I remember thinking- what is wrong with me? Why doesn't he want me?

Yep. My mum picked the girls up and did dinner/bath/bed at our place every Tuesday night then every second Friday they slept over at her place. He'd see these as opportunities to get hammered - not as time to spend with his wife. In that final year I begged him to come out for dinner with me. The few times he relented he was moody throughout and it was a rush to get back to the pub afterwards. He suffered terrible hangovers.

I have never been nor will I be a big drinker - I don't drink every day. It is not my relaxation. It makes me sad that in order to spend time with my husband I had to sit in a pub drinking lemonade.

I'd look at him at those times and wonder where on earth my funny, sweet, attentive, non-drunkard husband had gone. I didn't like this new guy. Not one bit.

During false R we did have those dinners and we talked and laughed and shared lovely moments. He didn't drink too much and told me he was sorry for not spending time with me for so many years. He was mirroring what I wanted him to be just to suck me back in. The minute things got hard he'd be back on the booze.

Love is his addiction of choice but booze is his constant mistress.

When I have to see him now I see the telltale signs of drinking all night. I also know the attendant hangover moods my girls are subjected to in his presence and it makes me so sad. I was a grown woman and it made me feel rejected and unwanted - what must it do to them?

homewrecked2011 posted 4/17/2014 19:26 PM

I remember going to work parties, weddings, friend's houses, etc. Obviously XWH only wanted to go so he could party with other people. It had nothing to do with me, in fact rarely did he hang with me at any function.

I shouldn't have been so "nice". He was crossing the line of respect and I didn't see it.

deena posted 4/18/2014 01:06 AM

I am sorry but as for Klove having to even have to voice what she wanted I don't agree with.

If you get the kids out of the house and are alone what else do you think both of you should be thinking of????

It shouldn't have to be voiced, it should have been an air pump with the fist and a big grin on the face for both of them. Its time alone with each other.

Softcentre posted 4/18/2014 01:35 AM

((Klove)) Drunk every time? Awful!

Deena & Klove - I think what I was trying to say is...yes,even if someone should know,does know etc...if we don't speak up, they can use that as an excuse. So let's not give them that excuse.

But also, we learn not to speak up for ourselves and get conditioned to tolerating being disrespected. Then our threshold for being disrespected/abused rises until we see this stuff as normal. That's why we learnt not to see the red flags.

I'm starting to speak up for myself. And I'm realising that my threshold for disrespect is very high and speaking out even on the obvious stuff is hard. When I think through things, I realise that there's a lot of low level disrespect that doesn't even blip on my radar when it happens, because I'm so used to it. I want to get to the stage where people realise that I won't let them walk over me. Not in an aggressive way, but just asserting my worth and walking away/not engaging if they try and stomp on me. I'm not there yet,though.

Amazonia posted 4/18/2014 02:45 AM

Biggest red flag was me, not him. Before we got engaged, I asked one of our closest friends if there was any reason she could see that we shouldn't get married. She and her husband had been among our nearest and dearest for almost ten years.

She said no.

The red flag? I was desperately hoping she would say yes, so I'd have an excuse.

Klove posted 4/18/2014 07:20 AM

I think took what deena was saying as warnings for next time. Yes he should have realized, but I didn't say anything for fear of making a scene- I was afraid of him and he made me feel like something was wrong with me whenever I complained about feeling disrespected. Our mc identified this - that my anger about things always presented as anxiety because I was not allowed to be mad. If I was angry I was told I was crazy.

deena posted 4/18/2014 08:51 AM

if we don't speak up, they can use that as an excuse

This is true.

Softcentre

What you all just said I can see myself in as well so much.

because I was not allowed to be mad. If I was angry I was told I was crazy.

This is so true for me as well.

When I look back I can see that when I was in IC for past CSA they told me to stop being a door mat. I can see that as when the arguments started. If I spoke up for myself I was just causing the arguments and that "I just like to argue"

I totally agree with Klove in that it should have been obvious, BUT I can see the reason behind what you say too Softcentre.

Thanks to both of you for pointing all of this out.

Softcentre posted 4/18/2014 08:56 AM

he made me feel like something was wrong with me whenever I complained about feeling disrespected.

I hear you.

He treated you really badly. It's going to take time to work through all those things. ((Klove))

I keep having new things occur to me, too. Like how when we went out to social events, he hardly ever spent time with me after our first child was born. He was busy being Mr Charismatic to everyone, being everyone's friend...except mine. I felt lonely in a whole room full of people that included the man I loved. But I never spoke about it. I felt it must be my fault.

deena posted 4/18/2014 09:11 AM

But I never spoke about it. I felt it must be my fault.

If I did say anything, I was told I was too sensitive or that it wasn't his job to "entertain" me all of the time.

And does anyone else get pissed when SO takes you out for supper on the rare occasion and keeps his phone on the table to check his texts and answer them all thru supper. You would think he could not look at his phone for 2 hours. Hard to have a conversation.

Funny we seem to be "causing the problems" when we are really asking for attention. Yet they strayed, in some cases, because they needed more attention, that they weren't getting from us.

Klove posted 4/18/2014 10:33 AM

Like how when we went out to social events, he hardly ever spent time with me after our first child was born. He was busy being Mr Charismatic to everyone, being everyone's friend...except mine. I felt lonely in a whole room full of people that included the man I loved. But I never spoke about it. I felt it must be my fault.

Mannnn yess. We fought, toward the end, at every social occasion. I would dread them because we would come in the door and he would just disappear. Weddings were the worst. This past Sept we went to a family wedding. First slow song comes on and every family member from 22-72 grabs their SO to dance. I'm standing there alone... Stbxwh is, of course, at the bar with all the single 20 something guys getting blitzed. I pretty much burst into tears, left, got in a cab and went home without telling him. And the next day I was accused of making a scene.

It's good to dig through this stuff. It means I will never, ever go back to that kind of person again.

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