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reality sucks

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dailyflowers posted 4/17/2014 10:59 AM

my DDay was in Nov 2011, when I discovered that my WH was having an EA with a woman from work.

I *thought* he was done with it. I *thought* we were in R, and that he was remorseful. I *thought* he would never ever hurt me after seeing how devastated I was in facing it. I was truly blindsided when I looked at our cell bill and saw thousands and thousands of texts between them. He promised he would do whatever it took to earn my forgiveness and he would never, ever hurt me again.

then I found a "music stik" in his overnight bag, just a few weeks ago, so 2 1/2 yrs after DDay. I knew immediately who it was from. The music on it was love songs, (if you go looking I have a thread here with some of the titles) as well as some healing music you would hear when getting a massage, etc. (in 2011, he was facing a re-diagnosis of cancer, so she was "helping)

the songs on this thing make me almost positive it was also a PA, but he denies it, of course. problem is, he's never really admitted to anything if I didn't have absolute proof, so who the hell knows. It doesn't really matter.

the reality is this, for me, right at this moment::

2 1/2 yrs after he was "done with her/it" I found this thing in m house. He brought it into my house (it's formatted 6/12, so sometime around then) KNOWING the absolute pain he caused me. he took the chance, for not quite 2 yrs, that I would find it, KNOWING it would cause me pain again. But he kept it. says he forgot it was there, NO I don't believe that.

reality sucks. the reality is that I'm almost positive I don't want to do this anymore. If I stay with him, I'll be hurt again, because the reality is that he is a liar. He lies. He's always lied. He lies about the fact that he was going to lie. My wonderful times with him were lies.

I don't want to live with a liar. I have no faith that he will ever be anything else.

that is reality, for me, and it sucks.

Skan posted 4/17/2014 15:09 PM

(((hugs))) I'm so sorry. I really am. My FWH, after seeing what his pornography habit did to me, and after using porn as an entry drug into the world of ONS, and the devastation that that wrought on me, after promising to get rid of all of his porn, changed jobs, brought the porn that he had TAKEN TO HIS JOB TO HIDE back into the house, and left it in a box that I ultimately found. Knowing that it would hurt me, knowing that he was breaking his promise to me, there it was. And then compounded that by deciding to go online for his fixes but to use private browsing so I "wouldn't be hurt" by finding out about it when I monitored his computer. I caught him dick in hand in the bathroom because he was SUCH a classy guy!

I left his ass. I went away, and I decided what I wanted, and I came back, gave him the name of my lawyer and told him the papers were drawn up and as soon as he got another job (he had been laid off), he was going to be served. And if he didn't find another job, they would be served anyway using an expectation of what he would normally make because after 21 years, my spousal support WAS going to be paid by him. I checked out neat 5th wheel trailers because that was what I was going to live in, so I could be completely mobile and free. He was moved out of my bedroom and out of my everyday life. I was moving on.

And only then, was when he actually *got* the fact that he was no longer going to be a part of my life. God be praised, he managed to make that turn and we found our way back to each other. But I would have been gone by now, otherwise. Perhaps it's time for you to plan your exit plan. (((hugs)))

dailyflowers posted 4/17/2014 20:26 PM

thank you ((SKAN)))

I'm making an appt. w/ an IC. I just can't talk to him about it, he doesn't get it. He thinks he's trying. for me, I'm allllllll the way back at DDay, and he can't figure out why. says he never really listened to the whole thing.. yup, sure, right.

I tell him he needs to put in as much effort into putting us back tog. as he did to blow us up, but "he jsut doesn't know what to say or do" so I get two or three one line emails about how sorry he is and he can't figure out how he could ever let someone come between us. He's failing on a major level, and he knows it, but just can't find it in himself to do more, to offer me more.

sighhhh, it's really time to accept the fact that I need to get my ducks in a row because I just don't want to live like this anymore.

SadInNC posted 4/17/2014 20:58 PM


The lies really do hurt the most. I think it is time for you to take some drastic action to either "wake up" your liar of a husband or to set yourself free. Either way, you will be better off.

The music stick was made in 2012. You mentioned thousands of texts. Have there been texts since 2012? Or were they a thing of the past and he was holding onto this music as reminder? Not sure how much of a difference it makes, I know it hurts either way. I'm just trying to understand. Also, the lie about how he never listened to the whole thing is really disrespectful. What a piece of shit for saying that to you.

I think Skan's advice is really good. If you go ahead and do a 180 and/or pursue a S or D, it should help you. One way or the other.

Sorry for my bluntness, I can't help myself sometimes. I'm also really sorry that you have to deal with this crap...again.

Stay strong and don't put up with it anymore.

dailyflowers posted 4/17/2014 21:07 PM

SadinNC--- the texts were in 2011. My DDay is Nov 2011.

His story is this:: since DDay, he has had no "intentional" contact with her. She's walked by his workstation and dropped a couple of cards, which, "he read and threw away", that was very soon after he broke it off with her. then, in June, 2012, approx 7 months after the end, she dropped the music thing on his desk. He doesn't "really know why he brought it home"

I appreciate your bluntness, no worries!!

SadInNC posted 4/18/2014 10:56 AM

Can he change jobs? Did you make him write a NC letter and send it? It sounds like he didn't really put 100% effort into the NC. If he did end it with her, he is being really whimpy about it and possibly giving her false hope.

6 mos after DDay, she was still actively involved with him or at the very least pusuing him. Why else would she make him a music stick? Ugh!

Have you had any contact with her? I would make my own music stick for that bitch, you can best believe it.

But, the sad part is why did your WH keep it and still have it after 2 years. I hope you keep posting and we are wishing you the best as you move forward.

whattheh posted 4/18/2014 13:54 PM

I would take a hammer and smash that sucker.

He should not have read the cards and instead asked what you wanted done such as read them or burn them.

Skan posted 4/18/2014 15:16 PM

Reality is, he kept a trophy of his A and his AP. Something that he knew was there and, if he chose, could look at, hold, and perhaps play. A physical "thing" to remind him of his AP and all of the fun he had.

That's completely unacceptable. At a minimum, that's a break in mental NC. He gave his AP space in his head and in your house. I admit that I am reactive about this sort of thing, but to me, it is as if he is keeping a little something something on the side just in case.

On the advice of my IC/MC, I didn't throw the porn away. I left it and told him that as long as it was in the house, I would not be. His choice he was an adult, he could choose. And then I went dark on him for two days while I stayed in a hotel. Day three, he asked me to come home and had boxed up his Playboy collection for the recycler, and was shredding his printed collection when I walked in. Had he not, he and his collection would have left the house or I would have packed the rest of my things and found a place to stay.

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