SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

molly5 posted 4/17/2014 13:50 PM

I have been married to my husband for 15 years, I found a email account while using the computer I went on google and it said you have mail... I clicked on it and found my husband had been e-mailing a coworker. I kept my mouth shut and kept reading but he figured it out and changed his password. He said they were friends.. I put spyware on the computer. I finally confronted him when I put a voicerecorder in the car and caught him talking to her, calling her Sweetie and complaining about my family and how he missed her when we were visiting family over Christmas,I told him I knew he denied it until I let him know I recorded him and he admitted to kissing her and that was it. I told him to end all contact with her, he said he did and for a while nothing. This woman was in our home for the kid's Birthday parties, I was friends with her on Facebook etc... She is married and has kids. I told her husband, he was either numb or doesn't care... I was then told that he doesn't talk to her but then while she was gone on business she contacted him. I have not admitted to putting the spyware and do not want to because if it contiunes he will be more careful. He lies about having contact and I know by what I have seen it is more than being friends. We are barely speaking because I tell him I know, he says where is your proof. If I tell him he will just be more careful. I know they have lunches daily but he works 1 hour away. I can not go spy on him. He says he won't leave and I can not legally put him out. I have 5 kids from 2-11. I never thought he would ever do anything like this. I can not believe all the lies. I have no where to go with the kids, I don't have family to help me money. I have not worked for 9 years. I was hoping he would wake up, I can't let him contiue this and be married. I have even though of exposing him at work. But if I get him fired that means no money and if I leave no child support and possible ruin his career and leaving no options. I even called a PI and the day he tried to follow them he seen nothing. I don't know what to do, I am driving him into her arms. But I can't even try to work on our marriage if he has contact with her. I always told him if he cheated I would leave. I have told him if he wants out to tell me and we will figure things out like adults. He says he doesn't want out and throws in my face that I am the one who brought up divorce. So much more, I don't want to end our marriage, but I can not let this go on. I don't have just myself to worry about... I don't deserve this. Everything in our marriage seemed fine. I am not fat, mean, nasty etc. Things seemed fine, and now this. I am lost, I don't want to leave now because the kids are still in school, this will be hard enough on them. Any words of wisdom?? I am not spineless if I can work it out I will but I am not going to be ok with a work wife.

Skan posted 4/17/2014 14:23 PM

Hey there. I'm glad that you found us for support not that you had the reason to come and find us, but that you DID find us so that we can try to support you.

Right now, I'm going to ask you to take a look in the upper left corner, at the yellow box, and click on The Healing Library. Please start reading. Take a look in the first 2-3 pages of this forum and if you see a topic with a red "target" next to it, click on it and read the first page. This is all information that I guarantee will answer a lot of your questions, show you behaviors that you're going to recognize that your WH is doing, and give you some answers. It will also get you up to speed on the abbreviations that this site is full of.

Right now, you don't have to make one decision. You really don't. You know what you know and it's very smart of you to NOT give up your sources. One phrase that you can use when trying to get him to admit to what you damned well know is true, is "you're not as careful as you think you are. You've been seen," or "did you think that no one at work would notice?" But right now, I would concentrate on you and you alone. You have to stay hydrated, eat what you can, and rest when you can because you have five beautiful children to take care of. Taking care of yourself and your children is your only responsibility right now.

Please spend some time calling around and find out if you can see a lawyer for a free consultation to find out what your rights are should you legally separate or divorce. Given the number of children that you have and the fact that you've been married for more than 10 years, you might be surprised at what would be owed to you in child support and spousal support. If you go see a lawyer, grab your last year's tax return and take it with you so that he knows exactly what your WHs salary is. Remember, you don't have to do anything about what the lawyer tells you, but knowledge is power, and if you know what you're entitled to, it can go a long way in helping to calm your mind.

And please keep coming back for support. We're all here to help you and to listen to you. (((hugs)))

jjct posted 4/17/2014 14:59 PM

Please believe this: You are not driving him into her arms.

Nothing, and I mean Nothing you did made him choose to cheat.

This is not your fault. At all.

Read the threads with target icons - just bumped one for you.
Keep posting.
We got your back.

molly5 posted 4/17/2014 15:33 PM

Thank you, I don't think I should tell him how I found out either. If by some chance I can get past this and he can get his head on straight, I need a way to know for sure nothing is going on. I know this isn't my fault.I have talked to a Lawyer and sad to say our house is no where near what we paid for it and the most I can get is 50% of his net pay which will be near impossible to support 5 kids. I can get 50% of his 401K but other than that not much to split and after paying the Lawyer I won't have much left. It is a lose lose... I can't bare to stay and know. I am a SAHM, and that would have to change and with day care I doubt it will even pay for me to work. I feel like the life I will be providing my kids will be aweful, this was our dream to have kids be a happy family...

kiki1 posted 4/17/2014 15:52 PM

(((molly5)))

kiki1 posted 4/17/2014 15:52 PM

(((molly5)))

norabird posted 4/17/2014 15:56 PM

I'm so sorry. (((Molly)))

As Jj said, you are not driving him into her arms. You are absolutely correct that you can't be in a marriage where he's going to behave this way. It must be frustrating to have kept your sources quiet and still have not gotten the degree of proof you feel you need!

Right now, you know enough to start trying to detach and plan. If you don't feel that financially filing for D is a good idea, you can quietly plan on re-entering the workforce or lining up family child-care or doing whatever it is that will put you in a better position, be that going back to school or just starting IC.

I do think filing might get him to snap out of it if anything would, and the process can always be stopped, but as Skan said, you have as much time as you feel you need.

He says he doesn't want out and throws in my face that I am the one who brought up divorce.

Lastly, please know that this^^ is typical cowardly bullshit from waywards. He is refusing to accept responsibility for his choices and making you out to be the bad guy who deserves all the blame. this attitude can be very insidious and make the betrayed spouse (BS) feel that maybe they are the ones in the wrong to be thinking about D. But please please resist that train of thought. He is the one who has done this to your family. You are just dealing with it as best as you can. He doesn't get to have it both ways. That may be what his selfish entitlement thinks is the case, but it bears no relation to reality, or to the vows he took to honor you.

Uhtred posted 4/17/2014 16:41 PM

I'm sorry to hear that you are caught in this situation. He sounds like an extremely selfish person as all way wards typically are. I'm not sure what the laws are in your state but in Texas if you've been married for 10 years and are the sole provider for your family you are obligated to pay spousal support and child support.

You are most definitely not stuck and you aren't driving him into her arms. He's just a terribly selfish person. If he doesn't want to make the changes to R then I'd say you may need to knock him on his ass and leave his head spinning. Keep gathering your evidence and make sure you have undeniable proof that he's having an affair and file for divorce. That very well may make him pull his head out of his butt.

I wish you the best of luck and all the strength and support I can give.

molly5 posted 4/17/2014 17:35 PM

Thanks to everyone. I have been reading some people post makes me feel less alone. I really thought that I had a solid marriage this has blindsighted me. What is the 180 people are talking about?

justasinger posted 4/17/2014 17:45 PM

(((((Molly)))))
So sorry you had a need to find SI, but very glad you have found it. Talking on here has really helped me in my situation.

The 180 is located here.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11
and has a lot of very good advice in it.

damnUnicorns posted 4/18/2014 02:34 AM

Hi Molly. Sorry you find yourself here. Just wanted to say our stores are VERY similar.

My kids are grown up (daughter still living at home), but otherwise it's very close.
I have no advice, But please take care of yourself as best you can.

This is so very hard, if you want to pm me that's be fine. It's goodto commiserate with someone who understands. Big Hugs!

molly5 posted 4/23/2014 08:29 AM

I feel like a shell of myself... I don't believe anything he says. I don't know if I can forgive. I keep thinking of my kids. I hate that he see's the OW at work everyday.

norabird posted 4/23/2014 11:56 AM

You feel like a shell because you are with someone who is lying to you and disrespecting you. We call it gaslighting here. I have some of my worst most awful memories from that feeling, of not being validated or heard, of having my gut blaring and being lied to and trying to buy it...oh, it's crazy-making.

Don't think about forgiving until you have the truth. Don't forget either that you have options. Child support, etc. Can you go to a local women's center for advice and support?

(((Molly)))

Hang in there. You still have a lot of life ahead of you! Build up your sense of confidence that you can seize it with both hands on your own if necessary.