Right now, I'm going to ask you to take a look in the upper left corner, at the yellow box, and click on The Healing Library. Please start reading. Take a look in the first 2-3 pages of this forum and if you see a topic with a red "target" next to it, click on it and read the first page. This is all information that I guarantee will answer a lot of your questions, show you behaviors that you're going to recognize that your WH is doing, and give you some answers. It will also get you up to speed on the abbreviations that this site is full of.
Right now, you don't have to make one decision. You really don't. You know what you know and it's very smart of you to NOT give up your sources. One phrase that you can use when trying to get him to admit to what you damned well know is true, is "you're not as careful as you think you are. You've been seen," or "did you think that no one at work would notice?" But right now, I would concentrate on you and you alone. You have to stay hydrated, eat what you can, and rest when you can because you have five beautiful children to take care of. Taking care of yourself and your children is your only responsibility right now.
Please spend some time calling around and find out if you can see a lawyer for a free consultation to find out what your rights are should you legally separate or divorce. Given the number of children that you have and the fact that you've been married for more than 10 years, you might be surprised at what would be owed to you in child support and spousal support. If you go see a lawyer, grab your last year's tax return and take it with you so that he knows exactly what your WHs salary is. Remember, you don't have to do anything about what the lawyer tells you, but knowledge is power, and if you know what you're entitled to, it can go a long way in helping to calm your mind.
And please keep coming back for support. We're all here to help you and to listen to you. (((hugs)))
D-Day, June 10, 2012
Nothing, and I mean Nothing you did made him choose to cheat.
This is not your fault. At all.
Read the threads with target icons - just bumped one for you.
We got your back.
As Jj said, you are not driving him into her arms. You are absolutely correct that you can't be in a marriage where he's going to behave this way. It must be frustrating to have kept your sources quiet and still have not gotten the degree of proof you feel you need!
Right now, you know enough to start trying to detach and plan. If you don't feel that financially filing for D is a good idea, you can quietly plan on re-entering the workforce or lining up family child-care or doing whatever it is that will put you in a better position, be that going back to school or just starting IC.
I do think filing might get him to snap out of it if anything would, and the process can always be stopped, but as Skan said, you have as much time as you feel you need.
He says he doesn't want out and throws in my face that I am the one who brought up divorce.
Lastly, please know that this^^ is typical cowardly bullshit from waywards. He is refusing to accept responsibility for his choices and making you out to be the bad guy who deserves all the blame. this attitude can be very insidious and make the betrayed spouse (BS) feel that maybe they are the ones in the wrong to be thinking about D. But please please resist that train of thought. He is the one who has done this to your family. You are just dealing with it as best as you can. He doesn't get to have it both ways. That may be what his selfish entitlement thinks is the case, but it bears no relation to reality, or to the vows he took to honor you.
You are most definitely not stuck and you aren't driving him into her arms. He's just a terribly selfish person. If he doesn't want to make the changes to R then I'd say you may need to knock him on his ass and leave his head spinning. Keep gathering your evidence and make sure you have undeniable proof that he's having an affair and file for divorce. That very well may make him pull his head out of his butt.
I wish you the best of luck and all the strength and support I can give.
The 180 is located here.
and has a lot of very good advice in it.
My kids are grown up (daughter still living at home), but otherwise it's very close.
I have no advice, But please take care of yourself as best you can.
This is so very hard, if you want to pm me that's be fine. It's goodto commiserate with someone who understands. Big Hugs!
Don't think about forgiving until you have the truth. Don't forget either that you have options. Child support, etc. Can you go to a local women's center for advice and support?
Hang in there. You still have a lot of life ahead of you! Build up your sense of confidence that you can seize it with both hands on your own if necessary.