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Saw him and feel like i am going backwards

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whywhywhywhy posted 4/17/2014 16:32 PM

Although I don't post too much I look on this site everyday. Somehow it is a huge comfort to me.

My WH left almost 8 months ago but D day was about 6 months ago. I didnt know he had been unfaithful but it turns out he was a serial cheater. Dozens maybe more of one night stands, LTA's, escorts etc.

Here's the thing. When he left we communicated. My daughters were 19 and 15 when he left. They were devastated but sadly had known about the cheating for years, and he knew they knew but he had them keep the secret

After I discovered he was a lying cheating POS that had been screwing anything and everything including my friends, kids moms, coaches etc. he became a first class A-hole and just treated me like crap. I guess i burst his bubble.

Sorry so long...i am getting to my question... so I have been doing the 180 for my own healing. I have not heard his voice in 2014. Last communication was from him by email on march 1st (our anniversary) to tell me what he would "not" be paying for (even tho our agreement says he has too...anyway...) Other than that NO calls, NO emails, NO texts...if the kids want to see him they do, otherwise its weeks between visits.

I have been feeling SO GOOD. My doctor commented on how happy i look, the counsellor commented on how i have grown, my friends are hearing me lament less and less about him... I feel like i am starting to heal and then,,,,,

I see him at Walmart. I know it could have been worse. I could have run into him and his current whore, or the whore he is cheating on the whore with who is half his age.

He didnt let on that he saw me. But I saw him. I dont know what it was. I have not laid eyes on him since December. I left my cart of stuff (frozen goods and all)...and left. I literally hyperventilated in the parking lot.

I thought i was healing. Do you think I am healing or just avoiding? I dont even know. Now i am thinking about the lying manipulating cheating man whore who has screwed me over in every way possible AND given me an STI. I dont want to think of him...

I guess i am asking does the day EVER come when i will see him and not be crushed?

Sorry for the long post, I do tend to go on and on...

MartlArts posted 4/17/2014 18:42 PM

Honey, your reaction was perfectly normal! I had a similar experience once. A man (not my current h) who had broken my heart, nearly destroyed my self~esteem, etc., fortunately moved away about a year after the relationship ended and I started to really heal when I wasn't running into him anymore.

Then after about 3 yr he moved back. I was totally caught off guard seeing him in a lunch counter line. I continued talking, laughing with my friends in line as if I didn't even see him there. But I went back to my office, was sick to my stomach and had to throw my lunch away. I was depressed and useless the rest of the day and several days after. Finally went to see a counselor, shared my history and asked why I had this reaction to sight of a guy I'd been "over" for years.

She had good insight - she said my reaction was similar to a rape victim who ran into the rapist later. She said I'd been emotionally raped and my reaction was normal. I went through IC for awhile and worked through it.

Same for you - you have been emotionally devastated by the ONE person who should have cherished you. This doesn't mean you're not doing well with healing.

Ps - happened to run into the a-hole again about a yr ago. I felt "meh". So you WILL get there, give it time!

Girlietoo posted 4/17/2014 19:11 PM

I think you are doing great- I hope to be as strong as you someday.

whywhywhywhy posted 4/17/2014 21:44 PM

thanks for the support xo

hopeandnohope posted 4/17/2014 22:17 PM

That's a great way to describe it MartlArts. I understand what you are talking about. Not sure if I should call you why or why 4...but I'm glad to see you posting. I lurked and read for many months too but I think posting and getting support is more helpful than just reading. Your husband is a jerk and he's damaged his kids by making them part of his dirty little secret. He should be ashamed of himself but men like that don't have a conscience. And what's wrong with women that so many would even be interested in him? I hope you keep moving forwards and don't let him bring you down any more.

12yearsloyal posted 4/17/2014 22:32 PM

I think your reaction was pretty normal. Years ago I lived with someone for 4 years. We broke it off and he moved out. Then about a year later I went into the grocery store and saw him in an aisle. He did not see me. I had a nervous reaction, put my basket down on the floor and walked quickly out the door. I started to shake. I got in my car and drove away. My body had such a reaction from seeing him but luckily it did not last long. When I got home I was ok.

Only one time after that I saw him when I was driving in town and he was walking on the street. He did not see me but this time the reaction was less intense and I actually felt sorry for him. Strange how our minds and our bodies are connected with stress events.

staystrong101 posted 4/18/2014 09:30 AM

Hang in there! You are doing great, and you know you're better off without a person like this. I can't believe he even put your daughters in the position of having to lie to you. I think we all have highs and lows, and it's only normal to respond like you did when running into him. Yes, he sounds like a POS without a conscience, but you were married to this man and had 2 children with him, so of course it's normal to feel some emotion when seeing him out of the blue like that. You know you're better off, and you are also being a good example to your girls by moving on to a better life without him. Yes, it's painful, but you are healing, and you will be okay!

norabird posted 4/18/2014 09:40 AM


Oh ouch!

Do NOT beat yourself up for being upset. You were not prepared to encounter him, anyone would have done the same.

I don't think this means you've been pretending to heal, just that it is a long process, which is going to take much time before you reach indifference.

Be proud you have stayed NC, be proud you relatively kept your cool (yes leaving your cart and hyperventilating in this circumstance is, to me, 'keeping it cool'), and be kind to yourself. You had to encounter someone who made your life a lie, who is not who you believed he was, who pulled the rug out from under you. It is okay that this threw you for a loop.

I am impressed at how well you have handled the separation and I am sure all who know you are too. Remember tat happiness you get being away from him and know that it's real, even if you do get set-back on seeing him. That is really normal. try to accept your reaction and also try to find an outlet for your stress over this--maybe a good workout, some meditation, whatever helps bring you back to a better place.

betrayedpregnant posted 5/4/2014 16:54 PM

Hi, please read my story as it has some similarities with yours. He asked our 9 year old daughter to cover for him in my case....

My last encounter with him was actually the day of discovery when i ran into him and his girlfriend... That was 4/6/14.

Since then, I have been avoiding going anywhere he might be, including taking roundabout ways to get to my routine destinations just to avoid the remote chance of running into him, because just like you, yes, i would feel uncomfortable too, seeing someone who injured you so deeply.... without remorse

[This message edited by betrayedpregnant at 4:56 PM, May 4th (Sunday)]

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