My husband had an EA that lasted 3 or 4 months, Iím not really sure. They exchanged emails, phone calls, pictures and probably other things I donít know about. I was completely blindsided. Now Iím just heartbroken. Weíve been together almost 20 years and until now, I thought we had the perfect marriage. I feel like our family was a farce. I have two daughters, both of which know something is going on, but I havenít really told them yet that their father and I are having problems.
I think I want to work it out, but Iím so broken. Iím not sure our marriage can be repaired. Iíd say thereís a 50/50 chance we will divorce. Just writing that down makes me weep, but Iím not sure I see a way out of this deep, dark tunnel that has become my life. I fear I will never know happiness again.
We are in therapy and he seems committed to making it work. But he travels a lot for his job, and now I find myself wondering if he is a serial cheateróperhaps having EAís as well as PAís with other women for years. There is no trust whatsoever. If he did it once, he will do it again.
Iím no different from anyone on this siteÖwe are all experiencing the same emotions. I feel hurt and betrayed. I also feel ashamed, as if I did something wrong to make my husband cheat on me. Iíve only told a handful of people whatís going on. I am unbearably sad, and Iím not sure I will ever know happiness again.
Like others, I stalk the OW. I hate that she was pretty, and I especially hate that she was my polar opposite. I am nothing like her, which makes me wonder if my husband indeed wishes I was anyone but myself.
Anyway, Iím just saying hello, and thank you all for the advice and words of encouragement I read on this site. I am Hawaiiorbust because we honeymooned in Hawaii, and Iíd give anything to go back to the time when we were young and in love, and it was real.
Thanks for reading.
Just wanted you to know that others are rooting for you!
I don't have much advice, since I just went through second Dday, but others will post for you.
There's a lot of info for both you and your husband to read....get started!
I am about 40 days out from D day and finally feel like I am getting a little breakthrough. The fog appears to be lifting a little and I am surprised. I've been hanging on a hook to see what WH will do and as of today he is coming around. This weekend will tell me much when I see his actions since he will be in town.
Sooner or later we will all find the truth. It is easy to let your mind wander and think of all of the "what if's". Try to control that - that is one of my biggest challenges, live for today not yesterday and not tomorrow.
I also want to mention I am almost a year and a half from my DDay.
Although your DDay is not fresh anymore, the best advice I can give you is that it takes awhile for you to work through these emotions. It takes a long time to get an actual clear head, it takes a lot of discovering things about yourself during this time.
It may sound silly to say, but YOU need to figure out if YOU want to stay. If you can honestly tell yourself that you are going to put 100% in your marriage. Thats the part that probably sounds silly to you. You're probably thinking "but hes the one who cheated". And you are completely right.... BUT your husband has now given you reason to question if YOU want to stay in your marriage. And if you do and are willing to put in the work and he is also wanting to put 100% in your marriage then you go from there.
I want to share all of this because I have seen posts on here about reconciliation and the betrayed spouses deciding to call it quits, not because their spouse betrayed them again, but because months or a year later they realize their DDay was the end of it for them. Situations like this only brings more heart break to the both of you.
Granted you can never know for absolute certainty what the future holds, but you can at least be confident and "at peace" so to speak with your decision.
I have personally done so much internal work, and I am thankful for my separation due to the fact that there are things I learned about myself that I was never absolutely confident in. For example, the absolute knowing that I don't "need" my husband. I am completely fine on my own, I did not shrivel up and die, of course I went through all the emotions..... resulting finally in my clear head. I am finally at peace with myself. Don't get me wrong I of course still struggle with many of the emotions, but I am not so deeply drowning in them anymore.
I also want to add I have been separated for a year. I have not stated, for a reason, what my ultimate decision is. I want you and whoever else is reading this to hopefully understand what I am saying and not just look at the end result.
I can honestly say now though that I am happy. Most importantly I am happy with myself, and proud of myself. I had some ultimate lows through this, and getting out of those lows without his help was empowering.
I hope at least some of what I said Hawaii has helped in some way...... and maybe I will hear back from you.
"A tree falls the way it leans.....be careful which way you lean"
Sorry you are here, but happy you've found us.
You should read this great post by DeathbyBetrayal, its called "Honey, They always affair down" and it is an amazing post! I have read it over and over when I am feeling shitty. Here it is:
(and here's the link http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=326449)
Yesterday, I was having a conversation with another SIer and a couple of the things we talked about are recurring topics Ė especially for the newly betrayed wife. After DDay, we take such a hit to our self-esteem, and question what it was about the other woman that was so attractive to our husbands? Why did they get the best parts, when we were left with the worst? The truth is, that is not how this works. She is not more attractive. She does not get the best parts.
Whatís is attractive about the OW is that they are the sickest, the weakest, the most injured of the pack. The insecure WH, wanting to feel strong and powerful, scans the herd for the easiest to kill. The self assured, the strong, the healthy will not do as those women want nothing to do with a married man. Our wayward husbands, needy and looking for someone to boost his ego, must look for someone beneath them, someone who will look up to him, someone who will make him feel superior, if only temporarily. What better way for an insecure person to feel powerful, and admired, than to pick the least of the bunch? The fact is Ö they always trade down. If she happens to be prettier, or thinner Ė itís just pure luck that the wrapping is worth more than the gift inside. Whatís inside, is no match for you. Youíre beautiful, and faithful, strong and possibly the mother of his children. The truth is, the OW could be anyone, anyone slow enough to be caught and willing to accept what little our husbands had to offer.
She accepts the very worst parts of our husbands; the liar, the cheater, the deceiver, the broken man. His behavior is lower than low, but thatís okay with her. Sheís accepts trashy behavior, because she is trash. She has no self-esteem because she knows her value Ö her value as the weakest, the most injured of the herd. She accepts his cheating ways and lowlife behavior because she knows her place in the pack Ė and itís at the end of the row. Bringing up the rear, itís just a matter of time before someone singles her out, and uses her for his own selfish reasons in his quest to be admired.
So what happens when we catch him with her? Most often he leaves her where he found her, at the end of the row, at the back of the pack Ė even weaker and more injured than when he found her. Sheís worse for the wear. Trust me, it is her self-esteem that is eroded, not ours. After all, she wasn't able to keep him even considering he was in a "loveless, sexless" marriage to a "cold-hearten woman." Because isn't that the way it always is? How pathetic that she's given the answer to the test, gave it her all, and she still failed? Self-esteem erosion 101.
Retake your position at the front of the pack. More often than not, itís you heís fighting for; it's you he's sorry for; itís you heís trying to be a better man for. Regain your strength. Retake your rightful place.
Betrayal hurts, I know. Boy, do I know. But remember, when they find someone weak enough to have an affair with, they always affair down.
Power and peace to all of the newly betrayed wives today.
I hope you find some comfort in knowing that the OW is nothing. She is a reflection of the ugliness inside your WH. Keep coming back to SI, we are here for you!
Together 9 years
DDay: June 24, 2013
I truly believe that yes, you will be happy again. Whether tat will be with your WH or without...whether he will prove that yes, this was a one-time slip and eventually you will be able to believe that and know it was true, or whether there is more to discover, I don't know. It's great that he is working hard in therapy. When he is on the road, does he communicate often and openly? Do you have a way of knowing where he is? Are his email and phone accounts an open book to you? What could make you feel safer when he is away, or can he transfer to a position with less travel?
Rebuilding trust and finding security in the idea that your M is 'real' is hard. It takes time. It can be done, however.
Most important is that you not let yourself feel he had this EA out of your own failings. Please, do not let yourself think that. Have faith in your own worth, and believe that the failure is on his part, for not fully appreciating that worth.
I go from R to S to D quite often in my mind. I guess it's a normal process like others before us have stated. I've come to terms with the fact that I may not figure out what I WANT for a while and that's gonna have to be okay.
You say that he had a 3 month EA with texts and pics. Now your questioning if he is a serial cheater. Don't ignore these questions. IMO, the 3 month EA was most likely a PA, too. Now, I don't know your WH but I do know that they all lie and TT and never admit freely to anything.
GO WITH YOUR GUT. Do some more investigating. Before you can actually make that decision, you should have as much of the truth as you can possibly get. In the end, GO WITH YOUR GUT.
I'm right here with you. Same struggles.
"Your value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth." -Unknown Wise Person
Will I ever be happy again?
Hell to the YES!!!!
If you decide that you won't settle for an unhappy marriage, than you will be happy again.
1. You and WH will work for R and make the marriage a happy one.
2. You move on and find your happiness elsewhere.
Maybe I've simplified it too much, but it's the way I look at things.
But I don't want to do any investigating...I don't want to know. What I already know has done enough damage.
I think I want to work it out, but Iím so broken. Iím not sure our marriage can be repaired.
This is the standard feeling. What you need to know is it take BOTH people to want to make it work. If HE doesn't, than you will need to go to the next level. Sometimes marriages will heal at this stage. Men simply do not know how to communicate their feelings and feel that what they are being shown is the best it ever will be. Give it time. Educate him that you will work on what he is not getting right now that leads him to believe that another woman is good idea.
If after all this fails, the writing is on the wall and YOU WILL BE HAPPY AGAIN.
1."'FOREVER' in love" lasts only 14 years.
2. Alcohol is NO solution just a bigger problem
My favorite drink is water. Call me Dasani23
Your post brought me back 3.5 years to those horrible early days when I experienced the horrendous pain of infidelity. Nothing in my life has ever come close to that pain. In an instant the man I M 25yrs early (and honeymooned in Hawaii with) became a complete stranger.
I too was convinced that I would never be happy again. I was so sad, and in so much pain, that I didn't feel like myself. Catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror I could not believe how visibly sad I looked. My brain swirled with doubt, should I D or R?
My WH has been remorseful and committed to fixing what he destroyed. It has been 3 1/2 years since Dday and I am in a far better place. Our M is stronger, I no longer rage, the hurt has diminished substantially, there is normalcy and happiness in my world. There is hope.
I am nothing like her
^^^And you should celebrate that! She is not pretty, she is ugly, what she did was ugly. Take pride in knowing that you are a much better person.
Wishing you strength.
[This message edited by RidingHealingRd at 1:26 AM, April 19th (Saturday)]
The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.
BH me 57