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Is R real if there is still rugsweeping?

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BreatheAgain10 posted 4/17/2014 21:35 PM

4 years after the last DDay and we've made what we thought was a lot of progress. We were even in such a good place in our M recently that we finally decided that we were ready to get pregnant. So we did. Things were going so well. So well that we both talked about how happy we were that we've learned how to deal with the issues that used to really cause problems, such as financial issues and our living situation. The moment we acknowledged that, April (2 DDays this month) came and I started triggering more. More than I have in the last couple of years. The triggers, along with financial stresses with baby coming soon and needing a new home and car, have all lead to increased fighting and sinking into a rut. A huge one!
That's all bringing back insecurity and more painful triggers. The big problem for me emotionally comes in bc now that I'm triggering again after years of being ok and happy, my fWH is angry that I'm not "over it" as he thought I was. I honestly thought that even tho the memories were still painful, they at least weren't as powerful as they used to be. I thought I was healed up quite a bit. Enough to trust, maybe never 100%, but close enough to feel more secure and happier than I'd been pretty much ever in our 10 year marriage.
His anger and frustration with my recent unexpected triggering and relapse into the world of hurt I felt 4 years ago, is actually making me trigger and hurt EVEN WORSE!
I think he forgot how to be a loving remorseful fWH after getting comfortable with our stronger M. I feel like explaining to him what I need ALL OVER AGAIN is just making him more frustrated and he's convincing himself that I'll NEVER be over it.
I wish he knew that even tho I may NEVER be ok with the affairs, I CAN heal enough to be as happy as we're even just a few short weeks ago. I just need his help to heal. I just wish he showed remorse like he did in the beginning when he wanted to save our M...
Which begs the question... Is this FALSE R?
There has been enough rugsweeping which is part of why I think I'm triggering after all this time. Questions unanswered. Things I didn't ask back then bc I didn't want to know yet. Things that never made full sense to me. Have I wasted the last 4+ years trying to fix something the wrong way? Should we just quit since I highly doubt he'll ever understand that this healing is NOT on HIS time?
There's so much good he/we've done but his anger and lack of remorse now is something that is undoing all the progress and healing I've gotten thru so far. Please help me figure this out!

Edited for typos and clarity

[This message edited by BreatheAgain10 at 9:41 PM, April 17th (Thursday)]

strengthandhope posted 4/17/2014 21:43 PM

Your post reminds me of another that was on here a few days ago. Pregnancy tends to drudge up things. Whether it is hormones or the maternal instinct "clearing out the nest", it is common for old wounds to be scratched at. He will ALWAYS bbe a WH. The progress you have made has value. However being that you are expecting and are a BS , it is his duty to do all he can to reassure you that he is a fWH and your comfort and safety is his top priority. I am sure it is painful for him go think of the person he once was. There is no expiration date on feelings of betrayal. Does he think you are purposefully trying to make him feel bad? That is insulting. The alternative is that you DO feel bad and you need help getting through it. Good luck, if MC or IC is a possibility right now it may be helpful.

BreatheAgain10 posted 4/17/2014 21:55 PM

He mentioned that he feels I'm trying to make him out to be the bad guy when I remind him of a trigger such as, taking his phone into the bathroom first thing every morning, or showering before work as opposed to after work (he's a mechanic and I wish he'd clean up more often for me rather than for work).
Those both have always been my two main triggers all this time. Phone hiding (especially in the bathroom) and showering before work bc he used to see OW while working the graveyard shift. It always made better sense to me that someone in the dirtiest of jobs would shower afterwards which is why it will always be a trigger. Just hadn't been a biggie for me until recently, as he was doing sooo much else to make me feel secure.
I am in no way trying to hurt him but am struggling to make sense of these unexpected flashback painful feelings. He just doesn't understand them and said he doesn't want to keep talking about it anymore. I don't want my feelings minimized by him just bc HE feels enough time has gone by! None of that is helping me. I NEED him to be reassuring to me and kind and gentle. I need help to get thru this painful tsunami of triggers!

[This message edited by BreatheAgain10 at 9:58 PM, April 17th (Thursday)]

StillGoing posted 4/17/2014 22:09 PM

In a word, no.

You can't fix shit when it's ignored.

BreatheAgain10 posted 4/17/2014 22:13 PM

I totally agree StillGoing
I really wish he'd wake up and realize this before we do anymore damage and go totally backwards in our progress.

gonnabe2016 posted 4/17/2014 23:03 PM

Have I wasted the last 4+ years trying to fix something the wrong way?

At 4 years out you still have unanswered questions about things that don't make sense.
You keep mentioning progress and going backwards. But, imo, there was no 'progress'.....the can just got kicked down the road, kwim?
If he had been the true "loving, remorseful" WH back then, you wouldn't still have unanswered questions.

My picture of a reconciled marriage doesn't include the image of a past 'marriage-exploder' throwing a tantrum.

BreatheAgain10 posted 4/17/2014 23:39 PM

That's what I was afraid of realizing. He just wants us both to forget. I need to process it before I can truly move forward. He's never allowed me to do that and I've rugswept to keep the peace.
I don't know what to do now then...
I'm a SAHM (a foolish one who gave up a promising career to mend my little family).
Now that I'm expecting our newest baby in June, I'm feeling even more stuck with no where to go. I wish I could pick up and leave without the extreme stress it could cause on my pregnancy (I have a history of going into labor prematurely due to stress) .
I feel like such a fucking stupid loser who stayed when there really never was any real security. I guess I should've gotten the hints all along by the way he kept telling me that I'll ALWAYS be insecure...
Guess he's right. But that's only bc he'll NEVER get me enough to give me that security I so desperately need.

dailyflowers posted 4/18/2014 06:37 AM

I feel like such a fucking stupid loser who stayed when there really never was any real security. I guess I should've gotten the hints all along by the way he kept telling me that I'll ALWAYS be insecure...
Guess he's right. But that's only bc he'll NEVER get me enough to give me that security I so desperately need.

YOU are NOT a loser!!!

I'm in the same place as you right now, with the exception of being preggers, but we rugswept because I couldn't ask the questions I didn't want to hear the answers to. Now it's all coming back out, and he says the same things "It'll never be enough, blah blah blah"

but it's THEIR job to put us back together, to make us feel uber safe and secure, right? IMO, we, as BSs have to find a way to be open to it, but they have to do the work.

as I said on another post, it's the difference between HAVE to and WANT to that shows us their true feelings.

adding in the coming birth of your new one is surely adding to your stress, we all want to know that we are bringing them into a safe and secure world, and if yours is teetering, it can do nothing but make you feel insecure. his JOB is to support you, more now than ever.

that's just MHO of course.

tushnurse posted 4/18/2014 07:25 AM

I have to agree if you never dealt with the shit, and worked on his real reasons, not only did you sweep it under the rug, but you didn't make him to the hard work on healing himself. Which often leads to a second Dday.

IMO - YOU have 2 issues to deal with here.
1. Realizing that you never healed, and he never did the work, and you are not R.
2. Is he cheating again?

His response to your figuring out number two will determine if you can go back and rework number one.
I am so sorry you are here, and have to deal with all of this again at a time where you should be full of hope and joy. The sooner you deal with it, the sooner you will have an idea of where you need to go from here.

BTW a Truly remorseful spouse is FOREVER TRANSPARENT. Why would they allow themselves to be put into a place of suspicion? Hiding his phone is a Ginormous RED FLAG to me.

Keep reading keep posting, go see a lawyer, and sister know that you did what you could handle at the time it happened, quit beating yourself up on the past, look to the future, and know that it takes 10 tons of hard work to really heal this wound.

((((and strength))))

BreatheAgain10 posted 4/18/2014 19:07 PM

Dailyflowers, THANK YOU! You are absolutely right! I am NOT a loser! I am a committed spouse to R and I recognize that I was feeling rather weak and broken. Thanks to many words of encouragement from many of you on SI, I'm regaining the courage to demand what I and our M needs! TRUE R!
I'm also sorry your in my same spot. Pregnant or not, it sucks! I pray you find peace in your heart soon.
Tushnurse, thank you for your insight as well. Tho I've healed up quite a bit, I do acknowledge that I'm not completely healed and still need help getting to a more secure place.
My fWH has done a lot of work over the years, but as we've grown comfortable and we got used to me not triggering except for a rare fleeting moment (and I mean rare) as I've grown indifferent to the past affairs for the most part. With that comfort, I am gathering that he has (wrongly) felt that I'm over it and all healed. No need to keep up the trigger avoidance behaviors that I've asked him to do years ago. I think he needs to FOREVER REMEMBER that we need to remain open, transparent and patient if an unexpected trigger or intrusive flashback ever occurs in the future- near or far.
As to your second point, I do not think or have any gut feelings that he's cheating currently. However, I will add, that I will never be foolish enough to say that it's not possible. I will never trust 100% again. But none of the usual/unusual signs are there. My biggest problem with him is consistently being empathetic and remorseful while I have setbacks like these last couple of weeks. He was sometimes very kind and gentle as I triggered, but then other times he'd show how frustrated he was that I wasn't "over it" by now.
Thank you TN, I'm taking your advice seriously

[This message edited by BreatheAgain10 at 7:08 PM, April 18th (Friday)]

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