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DTERMINED2SURVIV posted 4/17/2014 22:04 PM

Gosh, I just want to scream and cry today. One minute im pissed the next minute I want to give up. No particular reason. Just how im feeling today. I dont like the person I am becoming. I felt like I had this pureness in my heart and its just not the same anymore. I used to really seek the good in everyone. Call me crazy but after Dday and finding out about OC I prayed A LOT for OW. Not in the "oh im going to pray for you because you seriously need help way" But in a genuine way where I really hoped ALL of us could heal. Of course if she healed, (because as a woman I know she wants the family and the white picket fence...though she should have looked for that somewhere else instead of a man who already had a family) but if she healed maybe she could find the strength to pick herself up and move on. I am angry at myself for being so damn mad. I snap so easy now. I get irritated of dumb things. I work in a hospital and deal with patients coming to the ER fearing for their lives and after a while you start to know when something is really wrong or not. When they come in with something I know is minor, Im irritated. I should KNOW they dont know any better. I find myself getting more frustrated with my children. Ive thought not only does he not respect me, but neither do they. They are only 5,4,3 and my dumbass should know they dont disrespect me purposely, they are just young and being children. I feel like Ive lost all control of my life. Though when I read the good book I know Ive never had any to begin with. I feel so disrespected by the world, by numerous people, by life. Ive always tried to be the bigger person and sometimes that shit gets old. People take kindness for weakness. At one point I was kind to OW, because I knew it wasnt JUST her fault. Thinking maybe if I showed her I was human, If i respected her as the mother of my fws child MAYBE she would build respect for me. For a while it seemed okay, but all in all she took it as weakness. I wont make that mistake again. Treat others as youd like to be treated...sure fine whatever. Ive been a huge believer in love conquers all only to find myself doubting he ever loved me in the first place. He cant commit fully to anything. Not me, not music, not his faith. He constantly looks for something to be wrong. So no matter what I do to prove my love for him (ironic it should be the other way) he doesnt believe hes worthy since lets face it, nobody has ever really loved him, not even his parents. I get SOOOOO angry like I could explode into the hulk at any moment when he questions how I feel about him. I want to rip my own damn head off and throw it at him. How could you even question that?!!? Im tired of females thinking they can offer him something I cant. I hold it down in EVERY way. Im NOT perfect but I work, I take care of our kids, Id give him my last, We laugh A LOT, we have hours of conversation even after 7 years, we still have the magic, I make him breakfast almost every morning (grits eggs bacon sausage toast JUST the way he likes it even though I dont like it that way, i even put the garnish of strawberries and oranges on the side)He doesnt ask for me to do this stuff, i just like too. I try to be the superwoman type. I give him massages. I do his laundry. I am there for him through the deepest darkest moments. Im his shoulder to lean on, his best friend. Those women are just easy pu**y and thats the only reason he cheated, well that and his personal issues. Not because we were lacking in anything. I can honestly say I have gave love 1100000% of myself.....


thats it for now.

Ascendant posted 4/17/2014 22:08 PM

I'm sorry that you're hurting this evening.

I feel so disrespected by the world, by numerous people, by life. Ive always tried to be the bigger person and sometimes that shit gets old. People take kindness for weakness. At one point I was kind to OW, because I knew it wasnt JUST her fault. Thinking maybe if I showed her I was human, If i respected her as the mother of my fws child MAYBE she would build respect for me. For a while it seemed okay, but all in all she took it as weakness. I wont make that mistake again. Treat others as youd like to be treated...sure fine whatever.
My only advice is to be true to yourself and your values. If your values are what you've stated...live those. People taking advantage of you reflects shitty behavior on their part, not a bad worldview on yours.

Putto posted 4/18/2014 06:31 AM

Just want to chime in and say you have not lost your goodness or purity just because you have been betrayed.
The anger and frustration and quick temper, they are not a stain on your soul. They are the pain you feel. You are still a good person with the best intentions toward not only your family and your faith, but amazingly the person who tried to wreck your family as well.
You are not becoming a different person. You are still all of the qualities you liked about yourself before. You are still a compassionate woman and mother. You have not lost that.
The roller coaster you are on is not coming from a shortcoming on your part by any means. It is a force outside of yourself of intense betrayal and extreme hurt that you could not prevent with lovely breakfasts and being a best friend. It is a spouse that chose destruction to his remedy to his own brokenness. It is his shortcoming and failure, not yours.

Teach8 posted 4/18/2014 06:38 AM

(((DETERMINED)))

That was a good rant, hon. Hope it helped a little just to get it out.

I don't think you need to stop seeing good in people or lose your empathy. Maybe you need to start seeing it in you. You deserve happiness. You deserve all the things you offer others...even from yourself. If you always do so much for your H, does he do things for you as well? Does he give as much to the relationship as you?

I have felt the same way before. I'm sure we all have. Sometimes we feel like we've given and given and someone doesn't even notice or appreciate it. That's what leads to the resentment and then the anger.

I hope today you can find some time to take care of you for awhile.

stunnedin12 posted 4/18/2014 09:26 AM

I feel like Ive lost all control of my life.

Determined,

Yes! That ^^ I so get it. I also understand about the parenting. I know my parenting took a nose-dive with all the sh*tstorm wh threw at us. I regret that more than the marriage crap.

I'm sorry for your hard day(s).

DTERMINED2SURVIV posted 4/19/2014 08:27 AM

Thanks for the support everyone. I needed to hear all of that. I needed to hear Im not alone in feeling these things. Also, that I should not lose myself and my values. I will not. I will not become lost and broken like fws and the *women* hes cheated with. I will stick to the things I KNOW are right, no matter how others are. It definitely did feel good to get it out though.

To answer your question Teach8, Honestly no he doesnt give as much as I do. But he does give, and through our relationship he's become more giving and more affectionate. I think I may be rubbing off on him. He does do a lot to make me feel special.

I will not let the actions of others determine who I am. I will prove that good does prevail. Thanks for the support. Im having a wayyyy better day today!

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