SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Emmadean posted 4/18/2014 07:21 AM

How do I make the images in my head go away?!

My husband cheated on me and all I can see in my head is the messed up disgusting porn starring my husband and some faceless whore playing over and over. He has never cheated before and that was the one thing I thought he'd never do. 2 weeks ago he went out with a friend to a bar, got really drunk (totally out of character for him), took a ton of extasy (also Very out of character) and got really messed up. He said his friend was ready to go home but he wasn't ready so he stayed and continued to drink. He said some girl approached him and asked if he had any more extasy, which he did. So he followed her back to her house to give it to her. He said she came onto him and he didn't stop her. He said he only remembers "bits and pieces" of the night and when he "snapped out if it" and realized what he was doing he left immediately. He doesn't even know her name. He told me everything a few days later because he said he couldn't take the guilt. As far as I know it's the first and only time he's cheated. He told me everything. More than I wanted to know. I know the had oral sex and intercourse and the thought makes me sick. I keep seeing visions of this awful porn in my head and it won't stop. I know he's sorry and we've agreed to go to counseling and try to work on things but these thoughts come out of nowhere. I'll be fine, then suddenly I'm sobbing uncontrollably. Tonight I was sitting at work and all of the sudden this thought of him performing oral sex on her popped in my head and I ran to the bathroom to vomit and couldn't stop crying. When is this going to get better? Does it ever stop? I do want to save my marriage but these thoughts are debilitating. I've never been so miserable in my life... I just keep thinking about how she was probably prettier than me and younger than me and did things with him than only I was supposed to. I've never felt so low in my life...

justinpaintoday posted 4/18/2014 07:39 AM

Yup thats a problem we all face. The movies. When I think about it I want to throw up. In time I am told they fade. I think thats true but until then it hurts. Your imagination is probably more vivid than any reality.

justasinger posted 4/18/2014 07:43 AM

Emma,
Very sorry you find yourself in need of SI, but very happy you have found it. Right now your mind and emotions are going to go nuts, that will inevitably happen for a while, and you will mistrust your WH and what he says for a while. That is also inevitable. You are going to want to monitor him, and you are completely entitled to do that.
I'm curious, did he just confess, out of the blue? You didn't have any indications that anything was amiss? I only ask because if that is the case, then I think you have gotten through half of the battle that most of us here have had to fight very hard for,... A truly remorseful spouse.
You need to know that YOU did NOTHING to make him do this. You should accept no responsibility for it, this is all on him. It sounds to me like he already has accepted all the responsibility, but only you can know that for sure. You have to trust your gut right now.
You are among friends here, we do understand what you are going through, and will do our best to help you through this. Keep posting, it will help to talk about it. Read through some of the stories here, check out the FAQ's. #11 in the FAQ is the 180, it's very good advice to help you live for you.
Above all make sure you take care of yourself right now, eat, sleep, keep your head up, because you are not to blame...

Emmadean posted 4/18/2014 08:15 AM

Justinpaintoday I just want to make the movies stop... I only found out 6 days ago but it's not getting any better. They seem constant and pop up out of nowhere and make me want to vomit

Justasinger he confessed out of nowhere. He'd been really moody and picking fights and stuff for about 5 days but I thought he was just moody. Then one morning he blurted out "I did something really stupid" and confessed everything. He told me abut 5 days after it happened. Said he couldn't deal with the guilt. I'm sure it's the only time it's happened in the 12 years we've been together, and I know it wasn't a long affair. It was a drunken one night stand with a total stranger. He doesn't even know her name. I've made the decision to try to work on our marraige and forgive him but I have no idea how. I really want to but I feel like I love him and hate him at the same time. This is the worst pain I've ever felt in my life. He seems remorseful and I don't think he's going to do it again but how do I forget? Does it ever get easier?

nekorb posted 4/18/2014 08:42 AM

Mind movies haven't improved for me, but I also don't have a remorseful WH.

Have you made your appt for STD testing? Has he?

No scrabble until the results are back!

Emmadean posted 4/18/2014 09:06 AM

He got tested yesterday and I'm going today. Unfortunately, we did it during the time frame after the cheating and before I knew... That really pisses me off too. That he let me sleep with him after all that

Mac4 posted 4/18/2014 09:36 AM

Emma, Sorry you find yourself here, but glad you found SI, this is a safe place where you will get good advice.

I walked in on my wife having sex with her A partner on his couch. And this is the feature film that I see daily and repeatedly. It was a little over a month ago. Initially, thoughts of her and her AP and this movie made me feel physically ill. I can tell you that time will help. But there are also many other techniques you can use. I believe there is a good post about this in the reconciling forum, and other folks farther along in this recovery will have better advice for you.

But the roller coaster of emotions that you are on is normal. Be sure to care for yourself, eat, rest, exercise, and know you are not alone as you heal.

norabird posted 4/18/2014 09:47 AM

((((Emmadean))))

Yes, the mind movies will get better. They are so overwhelming and pervasive at first, but they do lessen and will lose their grip over you. There is an end to this.

I hope your WH gets into IC soon to address why he made this bad decision. What drove him to be so reckless as to go out and drink so very much, not to mention doing drugs?

Jduff posted 4/18/2014 09:47 AM

I don't know if this will help you, but it helped me with the mind movies. My sister sent me a link for the "tapping" technique that helps with anxiety. I tried it to help control my anxiety and not let it get out of control. Search for "EFT: Wouldn't It Be Great If You Didn't Feel So WORRIED?" on youtube.

Emmadean posted 4/18/2014 10:58 AM

He's nks everyone for the advice and support... I'm not sure why he thought it would be a good idea to drink and do drugs like that.. He's not a big drinker, nor does he do hard drugs (smokes pot though). He's done drugs recreationally in the way back past but not in years. However for the past year or more he's been really depressed, lashing out, generally emotionally unstable and I've been trying to convince him to get help but he wouldn't. We fought a lot, much worse in the months and weeks leading up to the cheating. The week it happened, we had a friend in town who does party a lot and my husband went out and drank and did extasy with him all week. He even got into a bar fight (he hasn't gotten into a fight the entire time I've known him). The final night, he did a lot more than he had been and that's when it happened. He hasn't touched a drug since (or so he says) and says he won't ever again. He saw his psychiatrist this week and we have counseling set up. I know we're moving in the right direction but it still hurts so much.

Steve55 posted 4/18/2014 12:27 PM

It's been nine months since I read the sexts/texts on my ex WGF's phone which confirmed my suspicions and I still can't stop the mind movies. They are becoming less frequent, but they are still there.

One text in particular ("I love the sound you make when I push in from behind.")really bothers me.

The only thing that has helped me is realizing this IS who she was and I am thankful I didn't get married to her (There was a time when I was considering it). Still, I have a long way to go in terms of healing..

Bonnie24 posted 4/18/2014 12:53 PM

the images I have are of 2 men. my husband and the other guy, it has only been 3 days.

LostJo posted 4/18/2014 14:29 PM

I am so sorry for what you are going through but glad you have found SI. I am six months from Dday and I can tell you the movies have faded, not gone completely, but much less frequent. My WS is doing everything he is supposed to do, he is remorseful, transparent, we are working on those things missing from our marriage. He will answer all my questions, even when he know the answer would break my heart again and again. After the initial shock and outbursts on my part (about 2 months), we could actually discuss those movies, he constantly would tell me what I am imagining is not even close to the truth. She was not prettier, not skinnier, not a good mother/wife/person. the sex wasn't even that great, no passion, no love. She just said things to make him feel good about himself and told him how I took him for granted. He was going through a tough time at work, we had drifted apart and were doing our own thing but he says he always loved me and never considered leaving me. We have been to counseling and spend every day together talking, crying, taking a walk, even laughing again. He is sick about what he did to me, to us, to our family and he is grateful that I am still here and giving him the change to be the husband I deserved to have. He says he loves me more today than ever, I feel bad that I cannot say the same thing. I do love him, he is a good person and a great dad and husband ( 20 of our 21 years together) but my love is different that it was pre-affair. I am working on myself as well and believe this was a horrible mistake and not his character.
Don't make any immediate decisions, take the time to talk, cry, whatever you need. The worst part is over, I still think about it every day and cry a little a few days a week. But I don't get the "kick to the stomach" feel every time I think about it, I can just say he is not that guy anymore, he is here with me, he loves me and we deserve to at least try to be happy. good luck and remember to take care of yourself!