My husband cheated on me and all I can see in my head is the messed up disgusting porn starring my husband and some faceless whore playing over and over. He has never cheated before and that was the one thing I thought he'd never do. 2 weeks ago he went out with a friend to a bar, got really drunk (totally out of character for him), took a ton of extasy (also Very out of character) and got really messed up. He said his friend was ready to go home but he wasn't ready so he stayed and continued to drink. He said some girl approached him and asked if he had any more extasy, which he did. So he followed her back to her house to give it to her. He said she came onto him and he didn't stop her. He said he only remembers "bits and pieces" of the night and when he "snapped out if it" and realized what he was doing he left immediately. He doesn't even know her name. He told me everything a few days later because he said he couldn't take the guilt. As far as I know it's the first and only time he's cheated. He told me everything. More than I wanted to know. I know the had oral sex and intercourse and the thought makes me sick. I keep seeing visions of this awful porn in my head and it won't stop. I know he's sorry and we've agreed to go to counseling and try to work on things but these thoughts come out of nowhere. I'll be fine, then suddenly I'm sobbing uncontrollably. Tonight I was sitting at work and all of the sudden this thought of him performing oral sex on her popped in my head and I ran to the bathroom to vomit and couldn't stop crying. When is this going to get better? Does it ever stop? I do want to save my marriage but these thoughts are debilitating. I've never been so miserable in my life... I just keep thinking about how she was probably prettier than me and younger than me and did things with him than only I was supposed to. I've never felt so low in my life...
Justasinger he confessed out of nowhere. He'd been really moody and picking fights and stuff for about 5 days but I thought he was just moody. Then one morning he blurted out "I did something really stupid" and confessed everything. He told me abut 5 days after it happened. Said he couldn't deal with the guilt. I'm sure it's the only time it's happened in the 12 years we've been together, and I know it wasn't a long affair. It was a drunken one night stand with a total stranger. He doesn't even know her name. I've made the decision to try to work on our marraige and forgive him but I have no idea how. I really want to but I feel like I love him and hate him at the same time. This is the worst pain I've ever felt in my life. He seems remorseful and I don't think he's going to do it again but how do I forget? Does it ever get easier?
Have you made your appt for STD testing? Has he?
No scrabble until the results are back!
I walked in on my wife having sex with her A partner on his couch. And this is the feature film that I see daily and repeatedly. It was a little over a month ago. Initially, thoughts of her and her AP and this movie made me feel physically ill. I can tell you that time will help. But there are also many other techniques you can use. I believe there is a good post about this in the reconciling forum, and other folks farther along in this recovery will have better advice for you.
But the roller coaster of emotions that you are on is normal. Be sure to care for yourself, eat, rest, exercise, and know you are not alone as you heal.
Yes, the mind movies will get better. They are so overwhelming and pervasive at first, but they do lessen and will lose their grip over you. There is an end to this.
I hope your WH gets into IC soon to address why he made this bad decision. What drove him to be so reckless as to go out and drink so very much, not to mention doing drugs?
One text in particular ("I love the sound you make when I push in from behind.")really bothers me.
The only thing that has helped me is realizing this IS who she was and I am thankful I didn't get married to her (There was a time when I was considering it). Still, I have a long way to go in terms of healing..