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realitybites posted 4/18/2014 07:48 AM

I have had some weird things happen lately and it seems to be coming in bunches so bear with me but just wondered if I am speaking my mind? Or going overboard? As it seems that alot of people are getting mad or angry at me and I am stunned quite frankly.

Although it also makes me sad, in fact very sad. As it seems when I get a backbone and verbalize my thoughts and feelings I get that look, like I am a bitch or I am "tough".

My oldest sister was visiting for a bit, who I love with all my heart but I had my say about a couple of family matters and other things I won't go into here and they now think that I don't like anything they have to say. Wondered why I disagree with everything?

I have a wedding coming up, joyful time right? I asked everyone to sit down and talk about who pays for what? And how can we help? (we have the son/groom) and I found out later that their side were "uncomfortable" that I brought up money?? (by the way we are all, including their side hard working middle class people) When they were looking to book a $$$$$$$$ wedding spot and thats before talking about caterers, flowers, etc, etc.....? How can they be upset about talking thru the dollar amounts? We have the money, don't get me wrong, whats the big deal? Yet we have been told to keep our guest list down?? Sheesh, I hate this whole thing now. How dare I talk about money?!? But who do they think will pay for all of this stuff? Its weird to me that people want a party yet won't talk about the cost?

And of course add to this trying to deal with a P/A husband who is a conflict avoider.

My therapist way back told me that when I started to see the light that I would notice people around me not agreeing with me or finding new friends. At the time I wondered what the heck he was talking about but as I get to a different place and learn how to ask for things or know how to say no it gets people around me mad or angry.

Does anyone else go thru this? A sort of reassortment of who your friends are or who you want to be around? Or what you just won't put up with? Yet I don't want to go around with no friends or family members?! Yikes.

norabird posted 4/18/2014 07:52 AM

Try not to let these reactions make you feel that you have done wrong. Your sister may not be used to getting feedback from you, but you deserve to give it. And YES, cost of the wedding must be discussed! So they're talking flowers already....well, I know someone who just got a 6,000 estimate for flowers at their wedding!!! So this is not a 'just do what everyone else does' situation, you have to be really careful about expenses.

As you get more comfortable with your new self others will adjust and yes, you will also form new bonds with people who like your authenticity and respect your boundaries.

Honestly, I think the pushback you're getting means you have it right.

Sad in AZ posted 4/18/2014 08:40 AM

Not knowing what was discussed with your sister, all I can say is FOO issues are fraught with pitfalls. You get to steer how you feel about your family, but you don't get a say in how they feel about you; it is what it is.

As for the wedding, I'm not sure I understand, but if you were questioning the brides family about their choice of venue AND suggesting that you pay for additional guests on your side, I'd say you were way out of line. The bride's side usually runs the show. If you graciously volunteered to pay for the music or the wine or something like that, I wouldn't bring $$ into the conversation either, unless they push for something that is out of your price range. If you feel really strongly about something, talk to your son (and future DIL if you're very close) and if they agree, perhaps they will broach the subject with her parents.

twisted posted 4/18/2014 08:58 AM

In general, I think norabird's comment is correct. If you're noticing, it's probably because you have changed your attitude and others are surprised at you new found candor.
I have a few friends that are usually blunt and direct most of the time. I love them dearly, because they will tell you exactly what they think, or what everybody else is thinking but won't say.
They got to that point by deciding there are just too many people trying to appease or fake their way through, and they refused to be one of those.
Sometimes you may not like what they have to say, but those are the people you can trust.

dailyflowers posted 4/18/2014 08:59 AM

I get this. a friend of mine who has massive FOO issues, once told me her IC explained it this way::

in our lives, in relationships, especially long term relationships, we are all like parts and pieces in a hanging mobile (like a crib mobile). when you begin to change who you are, and how you act/react to others, the mobile gets out of balance, and all the other pieces struggle to make the mobile balance again, but in their comfort zones, not yours.

I'm sure I am not explaining it quite the way she did, but it made lots of sense to me.

k8la posted 4/18/2014 10:09 AM

in our lives, in relationships, especially long term relationships, we are all like parts and pieces in a hanging mobile (like a crib mobile). when you begin to change who you are, and how you act/react to others, the mobile gets out of balance, and all the other pieces struggle to make the mobile balance again, but in their comfort zones, not yours.

Or to add to the dysfunction craziness - they'll try to get you back to your old behavior and take your old place on the mobile so that they don't have to change or be uncomfortable with the new imbalance of things with you not playing the sick co-dependent game with them anymore.

Nature_Girl posted 4/18/2014 10:33 AM

Who I am now does not fit with my dysfunctional FOO dynamics. They do not like me anymore. They did not care for me especially much before. Now that I no longer keep quiet? Now that I say what I think? Now that I called out two of them for their enabling behavior (which has cost the family hundreds of thousands of dollars because they are terrified of the bullying members of the family who stole family assets from us), they're even more upset with me.

I just don't give a shit any longer what they think of me. I've spoken my mind in a civil manner, yet I'm accused of belligerence. I don't give a shit. I've called family members thieves because they stole from us, so I'm accused of being hard-hearted. I don't give a shit.

I just don't give a shit. They can think what they want. I am no longer confused about the difference between forgiveness and letting people walk all over me. I am no longer confused about the difference between standing up for what I believe in versus letting people abuse me.

Yeah, this is a very sore topic for me these days. Now that I've divorced my abusive husband, I see that I am effectively divorcing my abusive family.

realitybites posted 4/18/2014 15:09 PM

As far as the wedding goes, I totally get that it is the brides wedding, trust me. I was however very politely by the mother of the bride talked to at a previous holiday event and told that they cannot afford to do the whole nut....and of course we never thought they would. The venue that was picked was very expensive and no one asked our opinion before it was picked, which is fine if one can afford it, not after it is picked. Our guest list was actually very much reduced down because I kept getting told that they cannot have alot of people there....thats fine. I then gave the bride to be our list, very cut down and she was surprised and said "thats all?" meaning she assumed some how we would have lots more. Which leads me to believe that their side probably has quite a bit to cut down to get to the numbers they want. It is not us, trust me who set any of these numbers.

I just wanted to set that straight. Weddings are very stressful, I thought if they knew that we did not expect them to pay for everything and lets talk about what is needed and how can we help was very nice of us to be honest. Who is paying for what? How do you want to break this down? Pretty simple to me and also allows them to feel a little more relaxed that they don't have to pay for it all. What I was trying to say is that you sometimes get people who just don't know how to talk about money, like it is a taboo subject or something.

And I agree with what some of the others have said, I think you realize as you get older and go thru this that your own FOO issues were at play as well and you now have found your voice where you won't always agree with what was maybe considered the norm as you grew up and in childhood but certain family members will always see you at a certain "age" or think you will follow the party line so to speak and you now see how weird or mis wired alot of this thinking was, or maybe you never really thought it was OK but never spoke up or said anything.

realitybites posted 4/18/2014 15:11 PM

And Nature Girl....I hear ya. I have a few of those in my own family tree. I too will not put up with bullying and manipulation and they don't like it. So thanks for mentioning it.