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AppalachianGal posted 4/18/2014 09:58 AM

I go back & forth on R. Some days, I think we (I) can do this. Then, times like last night remind me that there is something wrong with this man.

He is back to work for the season. He hides and drinks at work so that by the time he comes home, he is already buzzed. It escalates throughout the night. To say that I am lonely is an understatement. I have wanted to talk to him about my gut feelings of other affairs but can never find an evening to do this, so I sent him a text yesterday. This is exactly, word for word, what it said: I'd like to talk to you tonight before you drink too much. I'd also like no interruptions from your friends.

He doesn't get/respond until 3 p.m. (keep this in mind for later). I'm thinking the text was polite (I didn't say before you get drunk off your ass!) and straightforward.

He leaves work at 4 p.m., gets home at 4:30 p.m. As soon as he enters the house, he tells me to come outside, that we are talking NOW, right in the middle of supper and him buzzing around the yard doing things. I'm like, No. Not now. Later when we can devote time to this because this isn't a 30-minute conversation. He starts about everything he has to do, about how he can't prevent friends from showing up, about how I "threatened" him with my text and that he has been "hanging on a cliff all day" over the text. Remember, he didn't get the text until 1 hour before he left work. I called him on the threatening BS and for him to tell me what part of that was threatening him. He couldn't. He just gets angry and says "I'm not going to be on your G-D time clock." Naturally, this hurt me. I spend the next few minutes trying to convey that. Anyway, he slept on the couch last night.

Today, I sent him another text saying that his reaction last night was uncalled for and that I give up. He wins. This is what he says back : I don't want to win. I just want to get along & deal with the shit life throws. I respond with that for someone that just wanted to get along, he certainly causes a lot of drama and that he gets along with everyone, but me.

I'm so tired. I feel beaten down. I am broken in spirit. I can't get peace about staying or leaving. I have seriously wondered what it would be like to just die. Before anyone gets afraid, my dad committed suicide so I KNOW what that's like. I'd NEVER do that to my children. They are the only things keeping me here, and my mother. I'd never do that to her. I'm just saying that I've thought about dying, not taking my life, but dying. I'm just so, so tired.

Deeply Scared posted 4/18/2014 10:40 AM

It sounds like he's intentionally trying to deflect the conversation because he knows what it's going to be about and doesn't want to talk about it.

As long as he reacts this way, you cannot start to heal. Him pushing it all aside and ignoring what truly needs to be discussed is only prolonging your pain.

I think your approach with the initial text was honest and sincere, you clearly expressed what you wanted/needed yet he dismissed it by all his distractions with being outside.

Are you two in counseling?

AppalachianGal posted 4/18/2014 10:45 AM

I thought that same thing -- he was getting me off the subject by getting us into a fight so he didn't have to listen to or answer me. He has no idea what the subject was going to be, though. I guess he just doesn't want to talk about anything with me. Counseling has been done for years before. It doesn't work. Both IC and MC. He lies to the counselors (imagine that!). He lies to me. I've purposefully chosen NOT to do MC with him due to the past experiences.

monarchwings posted 4/18/2014 11:17 AM

I would be frustrated too. I hated when my X would use anger as a manipulation tool. I dont think you are ever going to have the conversation you want, hes drunk most of the time. And with all the counseling he never got because he was never committed. Ask yourself what would you say now that you havent before. There is something wrong with him he is an alcoholic. Alcoholic's are masters at turning things around on you.

You deserve peace and happiness...and its better to be lonely because you are alone than to be lonely because your H is checked out.

God give me the the serenity to accept the things I things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.