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Why do people belittle an EA?

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Hawaiiorbust posted 4/18/2014 11:15 AM

Why do people say an EA is not as bad as a PA? In my book, it's worse. He cared for her. He let her in our lives. If it had been a one night stand it would be easier. Anyone agree? And how do you respond to someone who says you are overreacting to an EA?

karmahappens posted 4/18/2014 11:18 AM

I don't know who is doing it...

IMO betrayal is betrayal. It is easy to think someone else has it "better" or "worse" than you do when you try to compare hurts, but when you break it down...all A's are a big pile of hurt, pain and betrayal.


Unagie posted 4/18/2014 11:19 AM

There is no better or worse. Im a madhatter, my A was physical with no real emotions behind it. His A's were emotional and he actually fell in love with someone else. It didn't feel like any less of a knife through my heart. Pain is pain, comparisons get us nowhere.

Wodnships posted 4/18/2014 11:20 AM

Well first of not all PAs are one night stands. In fact most I've seen on here are both PAs and EAs.

I would have rather my wife had a one night stand then the EA she had for sure.

Anyone who wants to tell you that your pain isn't as real as there's isn't worth your time. I know it's hard but try to move on and ignore them going forward. Some people are so caught up in their own bitterness and pain they have to belittle others. I could do a better job following my own advice on this one.

confused615 posted 4/18/2014 11:20 AM

An appropriate response when someone tells you his EA was no big deal and you're overreacting?


[This message edited by confused615 at 11:21 AM, April 18th (Friday)]

Lowlow posted 4/18/2014 11:20 AM

My husband had both: a 3 year EA with one of my best friends and a 2 year PA-EA with a 28 year old.

It's hard both ways for very different reasons. I tend to believe that pain is pain. It's what we feel, not a contest with anyone else. Only you know your situation, no one else.

Scubachick posted 4/18/2014 12:15 PM

I feel like I would have handled it better if my husband would have just had a one night stand. My husband doesn't trust people very easily. He doesn't want friends. He doesn't like small talk. He's very private and on the shy side. His free time is so limited that he doesn't waste time spending it with people that he doesn't really care for. So for him to open up to the OW, especially seeing that she's also an employee of his, was huge to me. He has a gambling addiction and he won't even let his sister see him gamble. Yet he shared his addiction with the OW. They had secrets together. He trusted her to know things that I wasn't even "allowed" to know. He was so comfortable with her. Always trying to make her laugh...the only time I have seen him act this way is with me. She knew about some medical problems he was having and he didn't even tell his parents or sister about them.He never shares his personal life with employee's...I guess she's the exception to every rule he has. I hate that so much. I would have rather it been about sex.

Teach8 posted 4/18/2014 12:50 PM

I'm not sure who belittled your pain, but I agree that STFU is a good answer.

I think it is sort of related to how we thought we would react before we were betrayed. I swore if he ever cheated he would be gone. Obviously, after it actually happened things didn't even go close to how I thought they would. And while you think that a PA would be easier, you might find that it wouldn't be. All kinds of betrayals come with their own special pain. Mine is feeling like my entire marriage was a lie.

My H has a 7 year EA/PA. In the beginning, I thought if it had only been a ONS I could forgive him easier. But then part of me thinks I would then be more upset that he would be willing to throw it all away for one stupid night. I also used to be envious when I would hear the words A season. There is no A season for me. Every day of the year is A season. I realize now how ridiculous that is. I truly believe the pain would be the same.

I agree with Karma, it all hurts.

[This message edited by Teach8 at 12:53 PM, April 18th (Friday)]

hopefulmother posted 4/18/2014 13:50 PM

Agree, my H had an EA for months. No physical contact. He broke it off when he wanted to take it to the next level.

Gut wrenching. I just hate it when my FWH thought it was no big deal. He thinks he would not have been that upset if I had one. Now if it was a PA then he would have been upset like me.

I call bullshit on that. I know he would have been devastated too. I see enough males on here that were devastated by their wife's EAs.

sunvalley posted 4/18/2014 14:07 PM

I think it comes down to a sense of what feels painful to you and that there always will seem to be a route that seems less painful than your own...but it's all betrayal, there's no worse or better. I know in my shoes I felt like the fact that he was willing to risk it all for PAs with people he wouldn't even date in real life made me feel worse, yet other people might see my situation and think 'well at least hers didn't love the OP'. I didn't have the emotional aspect to get hung up on, so all that left was the physical and all it's nastiness and therefore that's my pain. But I don't think that makes my situation any better or worse than anyone else''s just easy to form a grass is greener perspective without actually having to walk in someone else's shoes. A betrayal is something that someone has done to wrong you, bottom line. There are certainly many different aspects and situations that end in betrayal. Obviously we analyze our own situations to think 'gee I wish he had just left it online, I could handle that a lot better', or 'if only it was a 1 night stand, I could get over it' but the reality is that if that were our situations it would probably still hurt just as bad, just with different betrayals and aspects being the focus. It's all bad, it all hurts and anyone who is downplaying your emotions is not a necessary support person in this situation. It's easy to make up ideas of how you'd handle As from the outside looking in - I always thought one night stand I'd maybe be able to forgive, but not a full PA and yet here I am. Equally someone could say from the outside looking in, well at least it didn't progress and they are right in that sense, but they are not right in downplaying your emotions - if he loved her and they had a PA too, it would have been yet another betrayal to deal with...but that does NOT mean that the EA was any less painful or any less of a 'bad situation'. There are not degrees and levels of betrayal that entitle you to different emotions and expectations on your recovery...but I can see from the outside looking in people do have a 'scale' of betrayal in their heads....they just don't get it and honestly I can say that because I didn't 'get it' til it happened to me. If WS is the one downplaying these emotions, then you still have your hands full with someone who had not fully addressed the impact of their actions.

StillGoing posted 4/18/2014 14:17 PM

Because people say a lot of stupid shit about things they either don't understand or are themselves directly involved in and avoiding looking at too closely.

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