"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Bonnie24 posted 4/18/2014 13:09 PM

just found out that he was with another man. 1st time and according to him the last. He did email with him about 3 years but nothing happen, according to him. He now is going to a specialist to get test for aid and std's. The incident happened about 6 weeks and for 3 weeks he has been sick. I thank god that we have not been together. He stated that when he was 14 he experimented with a guy and thought it was over. I love and hate him at the same time and cry all the time. He has so much guilt and wants to do whatever it takes. I have no one to talk too.

Steve55 posted 4/18/2014 14:08 PM

I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this. Please know that this is a great place of support and advice.

I'd suggest that you and your husband seek counseling as soon as possible. There are many issues here that you both need to work out. For him, there is not only the issue of his infidelity, but also his sexual preferences. For you, this will help with healing and coping with all of the things you are going through.

I wish you all the best..

gutfeeling posted 4/18/2014 14:18 PM

I am so sorry. Protect yourself. DO not have sex with him until you SEE those results, wait, have him retested per his doctors advice, and then SEE those results.

I am highlighting SEE because you cannot believe anything he says - even if he says he is clean.

Bonnie24 posted 4/18/2014 14:33 PM

Thank you so much. I'm very glad that there r still people that care. Thank you for making me feel not so alone.

confused615 posted 4/18/2014 14:34 PM

Hi honey. Welcome to SI. You are in good hands here.

My husband also cheated on me with a man. He gave a stranger from craigslist a blow job. I had no clue..until discovery...that my husband had any attraction to men.

My shock lasted about 5 months. It is a huge mindfuck. You have the betrayal of him cheating..but also he hid his sexuality from you. That is a huge, soul shattering betrayal.

I understand how you are feeling.

Right now..the only thing Im going to tell you that you MUST do right away...you must get tested for STD's. I see that he is being tested, but it is imperative that you be tested also. Your health, your life, may be at risk.

Other than that..sleep...eat..drink water. Be kind to yourself. take care of you.

Please know this is all about him. Nothing you did made his decide to cheat on you.

So..is he saying he is gay...or bi..or what?

And..other than being tested, what is he doing to show you he wants to R?

He must answer all of your questions without blame and anger. You will ask the same ones over and over..for a very log time..you are in shock..and it takes awhile for our brains to process this deep of a betrayal.

He must be fully transparent..you get full access to all of his accounts,cell, and passwords.

He sends a NC email to OM. And you see it before it's sent.

What do you know about OM? You need to investigate him regardless of what your WH says. If OM is married or has a girlfriend, she needs to be told.

He needs IC. he must figure out why he did this.

Also, if he was emailing with OM for 3 years..more happened than the one time. It is very common for WS's to lie and minimize their actions on dday. Chances are, you only know a little bit. But men who do this kind of thing don't waste time with emails...they are in it for the physical contact.

You are not alone. There aren't a whole lot of BS's here in situations like ours..but we are here..welcome.

Oh..and to give you some hope...I am nearly 4 years past dday. My FWH worked his ass of to be a safe person for me. He adores me. It has been a very long and painful road...but we are very much in love..and I am happy..most days.

ETA: Can you provide us with some details so we can help you better? How long have you been married? Kids? How did you discover he cheated?

[This message edited by confused615 at 2:35 PM, April 18th (Friday)]

Bonnie24 posted 4/18/2014 15:02 PM

confused615:

they only emailed a couple times and he never acted or met, no contact, until he ran into him again. When they were together on march 1, he got sick with a sore throat about 3 weeks later and we have not been together after march 1st. thank god. I'm safe. He has answered my questions and wants to do what it takes for us. He as agreed for me to have access to his phone and passwords to all emails, and even wants to take a pic of where he says he is to show me he is working n things, he is so guilt ridden. he will be getting tested and the other guy was already and told him he is neg. he still needs to see for himself and I will too. once his results come in I told him that he would send the om an email stating that there will be no contact or I will tell his wife. om is married and has children. we have been married for almost 12 years, no children, but I have 2 from a previous marriage, they are 24 and 21. Thank you for responding, I feel better knowing that there is hope, you gave me.
Thanks to everyone, I have no one to talk to and I am so alone. it is embarrassing even when I think about it. if I do talk to anybody I don't want him to be judged or trated differently!

confused615 posted 4/18/2014 15:14 PM

It is common for a BS to tell the AP if they break NC then they will tell their BS.

It doesn't work. If they want to continue cheating, they will take it underground.

You must call his wife and tell her. She absolutely deserves to know her husband is having gay sex with other men. Her life is at risk.

With men like this, NC is rarely a problem. This wasn't an emotional attachment,..it was NSA sex. I highly doubt you will have a problem with NC. I have never had a problem with FWH's OM. I told him he was going to answer my questions or I would out him to his roommates, family, friends, etc. I would tell the world he was into men. Not nice of me..but Im ok with that. Within 5 minutes, I had an email from OM offering to tell me anything and everything...and he did.

Please tell his wife. She is a woman..like you..like me...who thinks her husband is faithful..who thinks her husband is straight..yet he is putting her at great risk....her children at great risk.

Also...very gently..you do not know if there have been other men..or more contact with this OM. I know how your instinct is to believe your husband. But he has been lying to you...for at least 3 years. The chances that he "only" had sex with him one time..and this is the "only" person he cheated with are very slim. You can not trust what he says..not yet. Watch his actions.

But...please...tell his wife.

Healing from infidelity is a 3-5 year process. Whether your WH is remorseful and really willing to put in the work to heal the damage he has caused will be told in time. It's great that he has answered your questions...he needs to understand you will ask them..and many more as new things occur to you..for years to come.

I would suggest you put a keylogger on his computer and a VAR in his car. Spyware on his phone. And watch. If he is being honest and all his cheating activity has stopped, these methods will reassure you. But if he's not? You have to know so you can protect yourself.

Also...you said there was nothing with OM until they happened to run into each other. How did he and OM run into each other?

Why a man? Did you know he liked men?

[This message edited by confused615 at 3:17 PM, April 18th (Friday)]

Bonnie24 posted 4/18/2014 15:30 PM

Thank you for the additional info, he will be getting more questions from me. Now the hardest thing is waiting for him to be tested on wed and then waiting for the results. he really thinks he has aids, I hate him, but still love him. I really want to help him and take care of he worries too.
I will use your advice and threaten to go to everyone unless he answers truthful.

confused615 posted 4/18/2014 15:38 PM

I forgot to add...guilt is not the same thing as remorse. Guilt is selfish. Remorse is putting on his big boy pants and telling you..and showing you...he understands the gravity of what he has done..and working his ass off to heal you, himself, and the marriage.

FixYou71 posted 4/18/2014 16:53 PM

Pay special attention to what confused said re guilt/shame v remorse. It's so important. At this point you need to take all his words with a grain of salt. He must earn your trust back. it should not be freely given. WS can be very convincing.
I agree that you should tell the other BS. It is not for revenge purposes but help assure the A stops (as best you can) and to allow the other BS to have the info to make decisions about her own life; decisions that have up till now been made for her because this is all going on behind her back. She also needs to know to get tested for STDs!!

cmego posted 4/18/2014 20:24 PM

My ex also had affairs with men…but we didn't survive the affairs, and he is now in an openly gay relationship.

It is a huge blow to deal with, not only infidelity but the confusion of same-sex partners.

Find a good therapist for both of you, and I would suggest you find someone to talk to just for yourself. You need to be tested, then tested again in 3 months.

More than likely, there is a ton you don't know. Generally they have been trying to figure out their sexuality for quite some time.

Mine had affairs most of the marriage and I only had one or two small clues…and we were together 17 years with 2 small kids on d-day. Very similar story…that I didn't know about until after d-day, there was experimenting as a teenager, then met me when he was 21 and thought "his question had been answered". His question being if he was gay or straight. He just forgot to mention this to me…The only reason I found out anything was because the guy he was having an affair with thought he was already divorced. Found out he wasn't divorced, but lying…and decided to tell me. I am very thankful someone told me the truth as my ex never has.

You will survive this no matter the outcome. I now own my own home, my kids are thriving and I am in graduate school and dating again. Life is good. Ex and I co-parent well. Life goes on.

Hang in there. Do some reading. Post on SI. We are here for you.

NeverAgain2013 posted 4/19/2014 05:51 AM

I will use your advice and threaten to go to everyone unless he answers truthful.

Telling the OM's wife about her husband's bisexual behavior shouldn't be a bargaining chip you use to ensure your husband's willingness to be honest with you.

Telling this poor woman that her sexual health is GREATLY at risk due to her husband's secret sexual activity with men is the right thing to do - regardless of whether it benefits you or not.

As devastating as this has been for you, aren't you glad that you're in a position to have some kind of control in keeping yourself safe from disease? Shouldn't this poor woman be afforded the same opportunity? To not tell her is to keep her husband's dirty secret FOR him, and one day, she's going to pay dearly for it.

Please reconsider and have some compassion for another innocent woman just like you, whose in the same exact position you are.

Bonnie24 posted 4/19/2014 09:01 AM

I do plan on letting the other wife know. He does not object either. We r still talking and talking. He says he is sooo glad to get the weight off his shoulder and glad that he can finally talk to me! He says it wasn't everything he thought and he perfects woman! I still have a long way to go, but we r doing the stronger marriage on line. It will start once we get the results of his testing. I think the guilt and betrayal made him sick. But waiting is going to be very hard!
Thank you to everyone for your stories and advice, it does make me feel better!

SCGirl233 posted 4/19/2014 09:07 AM

I forgot to add...guilt is not the same thing as remorse. Guilt is selfish. Remorse is putting on his big boy pants and telling you..and showing you...he understands the gravity of what he has done..and working his ass off to heal you, himself, and the marriage.

Wow confused615. That was a very powerful statement. I never thought of it that way. That is so very true! Thank you for saying that.

Bonnie, I am really so sorry. I cannot imagine how you feel because this is quite different from what I am dealing with. But it is still betrayal. There is great advice being given here. I hope everything works out for you. *hugs*

cmego posted 4/19/2014 12:35 PM

Bonnie…word for word that is exactly what my ex said too.

That he felt so much better that "the truth was out". He couldn't understand that while HE felt better, *I* felt horrible.

He also told me that "it wasn't as good as he thought it was going to be."

Four years later he is openly gay. I'm not saying your ex is gay, I'm just saying proceed with caution. This is a marathon, not a sprint. Go slow and pay attention to his behavior, don't just listen to his words. We are here for you.

confused615 posted 4/19/2014 13:10 PM

@SCGirl233....

Bonnie, I've noticed you haven't answered questions about his sexuality. Is he gay? Bi? Was he bi-curious? What is he telling you?

If he is gay...then he is gay. You can R with him, but you will always be waiting for it to happen again.

If he is bisexual..*that* you can work with. While our sexuality is not a choice(I firmly believe this), fidelity IS.

I am straight...but Im not out having sex with other men. I am faithful. I view bisexuals the same way..they may like to have sex with both men and women, but they can choose who they commit to. They can choose to be faithful.

He may not even know if he is gay, bi, or straight. That's why he must go to IC. he needs to know. And you absolutely have to know. You must know what you're dealing with.

Please...call OM's wife. Do it right away. Call her. Don't facebook her..or email..or leave a voicemail. OM knows you know. He is probably shitting his pants right now. I guarantee he is waiting for you to attempt contact. So any message you send her will be intercepted by him. Also? Please don't tell your WH that you are going to call her. If you do, he will warn OM. It is imperative that his BW isn told. Her life is at risk...she is a mommy. That POS is putting the mother of his children in GREAT danger. STD's between men are very high..and very common. Her kids need her...and she doesn't deserve to lose her life..or get cancer...or any other terrible STD...just because her coward of a husband is hiding this other side of himself.

I hope you are doing better today. That sounds so silly, because I know you're not. Please know it does get better...but not until your WH faces his issues..finds remorse...and starts working on himself.

(((((Bonnie24)))))

painfulpast posted 4/19/2014 13:23 PM

Gently, if he experimented as a teen, and has done it again as an adult, then I believe he is bisexual. Something in him is clearly attracted to men. That doesn't mean he needs to be unfaithful, but I do think that being honest about this is necessary.

People have sex with those they are attracted to. A straight male doesn't have sex with men because there is no attraction or desire. You're a straight woman. Do you picture yourself, ever, having sex with a female? Do you believe gay men dream of sex with women?

Sex happens because of an attraction. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but again, being completely open is very important right now.

And please let the OM's wife know as soon as possible. She's in real danger if her H is having casual unprotected sex. And please, don't talk to your H about telling any more. He may have already told OM, and OM will paint you to be crazy, jealous, paranoid, etc. to his wife, so that when you call, she's already believing you're just crazy.

I'm sorry to say, but you cannot trust your H right now. He needs to earn that back, and he hasn't.

Bonnie24 posted 4/19/2014 16:38 PM

Thanks for all the support...I do feel better knowing that I am not alone and plenty of people r here to listen and share. He has answered all my questions and so worried that he has aids! I am safe! He can not focus on much til he gets the test on wed and then a week for the results and the retested a month later which would be 3 months. He said after the act the guilt ate at him so badly!!! Keep giving me your ears, it means a lot!

cissi posted 4/19/2014 17:18 PM

Bonnie, I don't understand why you keep saying you are "safe." This is most likely NOT the only man your husband has been with and even if you don't believe that, you should carry on as if you do. Because YOU need to be tested immediately. He could have given you something years ago that he never told you about.

You and your husband seem to be focusing on the results of his tests way too much rather than what you should be focusing on, in my opinion.

cmego posted 4/19/2014 17:32 PM

Agreed. It was a long trip for me to realize my ex was gay…and a long trip for him too.

Straight men don't have sex with other men. They just don't. You ex isn't straight. He may be bi, he may be on the road to gay. Regardless, he SHOULD be faithful, and he wasn't that either. It isn't *whew*, he just had a blow job from a guy. He experimented, now we are done! It is a long road of facing he has a sexual attraction to men (and women) and what that means. For both of you. This won't simply go away. He has to be open and deal with what happened…and frankly, so do you.

I may never have the entire truth from my ex. He hid so much from me. I have bits and pieces of everything and very, very, very lucky that I did not contract a STD. More than likely, there is more you don't know. Gay porn? Flirting? Craigslist? Emails? Other contact??

I was reeling when people kept telling me, "your H is gay." I kept denying and denying. We tried to reconcile for almost 9 months before he was back in contact with his AP. That was it for me, and I left. It took a long time for me to accept he is gay. From the outside, we were "normal". Frequent sex. 2 kids. Great job. Married 15 years.

My ex was also very guilty and was the one that was pushing for reconciliation. Telling everyone that he loved me so much and that we were going to be the ones that "made it". We did for a little while…then my anger really hit and he couldn't' deal with it.

Do some research. Find a therapist that deals with gay issues.

Hang in there.