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ladycody posted 4/18/2014 14:57 PM

So dday was at the end of october and my sil found out through the rumor mill in Feb (gotta love small towns). She managed to hint at HUGE issues to my mil (whom we would NOT have told) and as much as told my FWH just last week that she had a avoided us because she was disgusted by him...considered him a family embarrassment. .. and was angry on my behalf.... but knew she'd get over it eventually and still cared about us.

Gee thanks...cause what we need isnt support and love but criticism and discomfort when visiting family and trying to mend... not to mention a flashback to october in case it wasn't enough fun the first time around. Those who I told were my closest friends and they have rallied and support R...believing we have something worth saving (I asked).

I think she knows she handled it all wrong and has been reaching out more than normal for her...but my husband feels uncomfortable around them now and I cant say I blame him. We are looking to move 30 minutes away (but a whole world environment-wise). Am sick and tired of nonsense and just want to focus on us without the world spreading rumors and judging. Ugh. Thanks for letting me vent.

sadone29 posted 4/22/2014 10:12 AM

I wanted to reply when I first saw this, but the holidays kept me busy!

I had the opposite problem. Our families rallied behind us and wanted us to work on things. My friends immediately said 'dump him'. I no longer talk to them about it.

It's all added bs to deal with, isn't it?

Hurtandhealer posted 4/22/2014 10:15 AM

I'm in the middle of a d-day 3, of sorts, and it's so hard knowing who I can talk to! I have one friend and one family member that I can trust to just listen and give advice WITHOUT judging and that's it! It makes me feel so isolated when I'm trying to deal with the hardest situation of my life! Why can't people understand that anger and unwanted opinions is not what we need?!

StillStanding1 posted 4/22/2014 10:30 AM

Ugh. This is so hard, isn't it? My 2 oldest kids found out about the A 6 months before me, so my Dday was immediately complicated because they had already been venting to friends, etc. We had no choice but to tell our extended families, as they needed to know what was up with our kids. A huge mess. We live in a large city, yet our community makes it feel like a small town... so we soon became the subject of much gossip. The A shocked everyone else about as much as it shocked me.

It's really hard to deal with family and friends during this process. I know that they feel anger on my behalf and feel the need to let that be known. People really don't know how to handle these situations as concerned bystanders. I love the saying that infidelity is a trauma where no one brings casseroles. Those who haven't experienced it have NO idea the rollercoaster of emotions we experience as BS (and even WS).

It helps me to remember that they mean well and only want what is best for me and our family. They don't want to see anymore hurt inflicted. And they have NO idea what to say or do. I've had people say the most unbelievable things -- family, supportive friends, and even acquaintances who have no right to say squat. I'm a very private person and it was VERY hard for me to accept that I was the subject of talk and gossip and that we are perpetually being "watched". It sucks.

At some point, though, I learned to accept this and deal with it. What matters is what I think and what I want and what we are doing to repair our M. The others are irrelevant. Except for my kids. They are profoundly affected and want different outcomes. Their opinions DO matter to me and make attempting R extra difficult. I still haven't reached the win-win scenario I desperately hope for.

It sounds like your SIL is struggling with how to balance her emotions and provide you with the proper support. I give her credit for trying to adjust. I know your WH would just like to escape it all... but the reality is that that is not the answer. He, unfortunately, has to face the music. He made choices and those choices have consequences. It sucks, but it is real life. I hope he can take on the mantra that a person should not be judged for the mistakes they make, but how hard they work to change and grow and make reparations for those poor choices. It takes courage and strength to get to that point. It's why A's flourish in the dark, but rarely can sustain the harsh light of reality.

I know it's hard, ladycody. I've been there and am still dealing with the fallout. I know I've grown stronger through it though. I wish you all the strength and resilience you need to push through this. Sorry you find yourself in this position. None of us deserve it. Hang in there!

ladycody posted 4/22/2014 17:00 PM

Thanks for hearing me...and's all just more bs. Maybe it's the advent of reality tv that makes people think they have a right to jump into the middle of our lives and dish out uncensored, inconsiderate, inaccurate, speculative bullshit...but it makes me more than a little angry...especially when it comes from those who should be supportive and caring if they were really the friends they claim themselves to be.

Gardenerinpain posted 4/22/2014 17:30 PM

Stillstanding 1 had it right. There are good friends and then then there are other friends. I find I can't talk about reconciling with some friends. It is better just to say everything is okay and and divulge no more info.

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