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DepressedDaddy posted 4/18/2014 17:38 PM

My WW was my best friend, my confidant, my soul mate, that was until she decided to engage in an A. During our attempt at R, we got back to being incredible friends, unfortunately the passion for our M had been lost and D became our reality.

I miss her. I miss talking with her. I miss confiding in her and her confiding in me. Trying to keep up with NC is torturous. I have to keep reminding myself of what she has done to me, but as everyone knows, it doesn't make it any easier.

I just want to sit with her, hold her, talk to her and have the connection again.

[Reminding myself] She cheated on me. She is hurting me. She is not the woman I fell in love with. She has made a choice and is "in-love" with someone else.

devistatedmom posted 4/18/2014 18:19 PM

DepDad, I missed my best friend too. He was the person I talked to about my days, told my fears, gave my heart to. He would love for us to still sit and talk like we use to...while he sleeps with someone else. A best friend wouldn't do that.

I still miss having that best friend, but it isn't him. I miss having someone to come home to at night, to share the ups and downs of raising kids and home ownership. My career is very emotionally draining many days; I wish I had that person to debrief with.

That person that I wish for is not him. He isn't the man I thought he was. I want someone to share all that with, but it can't be him. If, by some miracle, I did let him back in, it couldn't ever be the same. I forgave him once, he did it again. I'd be watching over my shoulder, waiting for him to do it again.

I want my best friend back. I'm lonely. But I'm willing to wait for the upgraded version to enter my life. I'm not willing to just take the first guy that wants to be with me just because I'm lonely. I want a true best friend next time.

You will find a true one too. Don't even bother thinking about settling for one you know doesn't think enough of you to keep your secrets or to keep their pants on when with others. You deserve better.

Gardenerinpain posted 4/18/2014 18:19 PM

DD,
I feel your pain so well. We have tried R but it appears to be false on his part.
I know so well the just wanting to be back together. Sometimes, I guess that doesn't happen.
(( hugs)). No words of wisdom , sadly.

nekorb posted 4/18/2014 18:29 PM

It must be something in the air today. I was thinking how much I miss greeting WH at the door. Getting that first kids after being apart all day. Talking about the days' events.

Now, he comes home and I do my best not to engage him. It hurts so badly. I can smell OW's perfume wafting around him as he comes in.

He is hurting me. He is showing complete disregard for me, out marriage, our family, our history together. My best friend seems to have died about a year ago. In his place is a person who looks like him, but is a liar and a cheater who only thinks of himself. He blame shifts and denies and wants to walk away from our marriage with no consequences.

My friends don't treat me that way. I miss my best friend. I don't know how to fill that void. I'm trying to focus on how NOT to fill it right now.

(((Hugs)))

We are with you.

jagged posted 4/18/2014 18:39 PM

DD,

Your post demonstrates that while this is incredibly difficult, you already understand the reality. And while we are all capable of making mistakes and exercising poor judgment, the consequences for betraying our best friends generally include a loss of the friendship.

My XWW was my best friend, too...for nearly 20 years. When things were bad, she's the first person I turned to, and when I was at my lowest point and needed my best friend more than ever, guess what? My "best friend" was still in the fog of her A and so self-absorbed she couldn't be bothered.

Betrayal by a best friend sucks. But I have a new best friend now. Several, in fact.

I wish you strength.

lostandhopless posted 4/18/2014 18:54 PM

I hear you brother, I lost my two best friends... Found out they only wanted to kick me when I was at my lowest.. Found new and better friends..Stay strong, we are here for you...

[This message edited by lostandhopless at 6:57 PM, April 18th (Friday)]

yestopants posted 4/18/2014 19:03 PM

I miss my best friend too. well I guess i don't have one anymore. I'm learning to embrace the loneliness and sometimes the anger it makes me feel. It helps me realize a best friend wouldn't do this. I too look forward to the upgraded version one day.
((hugs))
guess we are all there.

strad posted 4/18/2014 19:21 PM

I've felt for quite awhile that my best friend died on D day. I divorced the stranger who replaced him, as he wasn't anyone I would want to be married to. I still miss my best friend but he's been gone for a long time now. I'm trying to move on but it's hard.

Pinkyxo posted 4/18/2014 19:38 PM

I miss mine too but, he checked out on me so long ago. I was his friend, he wasn't mine.

((DepressedDaddy))

Oftencheatedon posted 4/18/2014 20:22 PM

It's hard to lose a best friend no matter what the circumstances.

When I was single I had a best friend who literally was like a sister to me. We were so close.

But when she decided to cheat on her DH and use spending time with me as an excuse I could not tolerate that. I thought the world of her husband.

He knew she was cheating when I didn't have a clue. I swear I think I was as devastated as he was. I had to end our friendship as I just could not abide what she was doing.

It's been many years now. I missed the friendship for a long time - but I just could not remain friends with a cheater.

renee21 posted 4/18/2014 21:27 PM

I can relate. That is the hardest part for me too. I miss all the normal interactions, date nights, someone to lay next to at night. I miss the random text messages and phone calls, being able to tell him anything and having him there for my highs and lows.

like everyone else here, someone who I don't know now lives in his body. He's selfish, destructive and believes his own lies. We grew up together, been together since we were 16. How anyone could walk away and level their own blood I don't know.

I have lots of friends that I can share openly and honestly with but I do miss that special connection. I know someday some guy is going to thank him for being such an ass and letting a such a good woman go.

I already know I am his greatest loss.

PRNDL posted 4/18/2014 22:37 PM

When I read your post, I thought I wrote it.

Im so sorry. I know you are in so much pain. I know because I miss my best friend too.

My friend, my best friend, my girl, my fiance, my bride, my family, my wife, my son's mother, my soul mate, my everything.

We were always together for 12 years. Two peas in a pod. Me, her, and our baby.

She started her A in 2012 and changed completely. Sge became a monster.

My best friend died two years ago. Worse, because she was capable of doing what she did, that means she never was who I thought she was. It was all a lie. An illusion.

My best friend never existed.

At least if she died instead of having an A,I would have always known that she truly was my best friend untill the end.

StillLivin posted 4/18/2014 22:47 PM

When I would feel like you do today, I have to remind myself of some things.
Best friends don't lie, betray, cheat, blameshift, gaslight, disrespect, break promises, or walk out on you when you are dying inside and need them the most.
My, so called, best friend did all of this and more to me. I deserve better friends than that. Hell I've had kinder enemies!
Today was a hard day, went down memory lane of some good times and it had me down and depressed.
I took my own advice and made myself remember that it was just a mask and that I'm grieving who I thought he was, not who he really was.

Betrayeddaddio posted 4/19/2014 00:26 AM

Best friends don't lie, betray, cheat, blameshift, gaslight, disrespect, break promises, or walk out on you when you are dying inside and need them the most.

The big problem with betrayal is that it seldom comes from your enemies. A best friend wouldn't knowingly inflict that much pain on you.....

honesttoafault posted 4/19/2014 00:36 AM

DD: I feel exactly the same. We are not just losing our spouse, we are losing our life's partner, lover and best friend and even part or our family. It's very devastating and hard.

I took my own advice and made myself remember that it was just a mask and that I'm grieving who I thought he was, not who he really was.

Still liven: that it what I'm trying to come to terms with. It's so hard because my whole life revolved around him, and it wasn't who I thought it was. It was all lies and betrayals and a mask. Finding it hard to forgive myself for falling for it all and still I miss the mask.... sounds insane.

Harriet posted 4/19/2014 00:49 AM

I was just logging in to write about exactly what everyone here is saying.

I just got back from NY. Last time I was there was with my ex, and it made me miss him, too. Or at least, the version of him he pretended to be. I became very lonely. It was my first real vacation by myself and it was going well until NY.

Now he is back in my head...all that wishful thinking going on, and wondering if I will ever have another - real - best friend. I really missed him. Dang it. You guys are the only people I would let know, though. I would die if it ever got back to him.

JerseyCowgirl posted 4/19/2014 06:43 AM

I will put you in my thoughts today because this is the point in this mess when the deep pain really hits...that loss of connection to someone who was not only intimate to us but our best friend also. The pain becomes even deeper with the loss of that deep connection. Just remember as you work thru this that today I will keep you ingood thoughts & blessings.
JC

Abbondad posted 4/19/2014 07:10 AM

DD,

Just chiming in with a "me too." You are not alone. It is especially hard for me when I have my kids and miss our partnership. I think at various moments, "This is what WE should be doing, this is what WE should be experiencing..."

It is very very hard. But as you know, we had no choice. She cheated. Period. Our hearts will catch up to our head. Try to enjoy your weekend. (())

Klove posted 4/19/2014 07:24 AM

dd- me too.
Strangely, we were one of those couples who did everything together... we weren't big into nights out with the girls or the boys. We shared the same taste in everything. Even now, he'll try to engage me in conversation about a new band he's found I should check out...there are some things I just can't do because it's way too painful a reminder of his absence.

But

Best friends don't lie, betray, cheat, blameshift, gaslight, disrespect, break promises, or walk out on you when you are dying inside and need them the most.

He is not the man I thought I knew and now there is a hole where a best friend lived. At times it's really lonely.

(((((dd))))) The choice she has made is not best friend material. You deserve and will have better.

Merlin posted 4/19/2014 07:56 AM

All these things passed away when the decision to start an extra-marital affair.

They live on in memory only.

Your 'best friend' is gone.