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One month out - moved out

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Didact posted 4/18/2014 22:21 PM

I feel awful.

I feel like WW isn't putting enough in, she's saying most of the right things, but I'm expecting her to be "all-in" on rebuilding what she destroyed.

After a long day of work, or before a long day of work (which means 4 or 5 nights of the week) she really can't have long discussions or work on things because it is too exhausting. (she works 12 hour shifts with an hour commute each way). I've asked her to take a leave of absence or quit to work on us, we don't need the money at all. Even now that sounds so selfish on my part.

She really tries at times. At others, it feels like she is being selfish and worried about how this affects her.

I don't even know what I'm looking for from her, but I feel like what I'm getting isn't enough.

My nature is to focus on a problem and keep at it until there is resolution. I fear that nature doesn't lend itself to this healing process. I've consumed every book I can find on topics even marginally related to what I'm going through.

Today I met with her at lunch, it had been a full month since D-Day, and I told her that I needed to move out of the house for a while. She was upset, but accepting. My words were that "since I feel like I'm being forced to heal myself, I might as well do it by myself."

Tomorrow I have to tell my 8 and 10 year old daughters that I am leaving.

What am I doing? Help.

nuance posted 4/18/2014 23:30 PM

Talk to a lawyer first. If you D would this be considered like you abandoned your girls?

heforgotme posted 4/19/2014 00:06 AM

What am I doing?

The right thing. The wayward MUST be "all in". It will not work otherwise. Sometimes it doesn't work even when this is the case.

You are doing the right (albeit hard) thing.

Hang in there.

stronger08 posted 4/19/2014 04:28 AM

Moving out was the only option for me. I feel that your doing what you need to do and there is absolutely nothing wrong with making yourself the priority here. As for your WW, keep in mind that talk is cheap and actions speak louder than words. She found time to have an A with her busy schedule, so she could have found time to fix what she broke IMHO. The mistake your making here is that your excusing her reluctance to make whatever effort is needed by stating she has a bust life. As I said she found time to cheat and she can find time to R if she really wanted to. What many of us BS fail to recognize is that a WS puts so much effort into cheating they should at least be willing to put that much effort back into R, if not more.

NeverAgain2013 posted 4/19/2014 05:26 AM

You need to do whatever helps YOU heal.

Cheaters are some of the most selfish, self serving, self entitled, self absorbed people on this planet. So it doesn't surprise me at all to hear that she's STILL looking at everything as, "how does this affect ME? What will this mean for ME? How will this benefit ME?"

Unreal, but so damned typical.

She's had enough "me" time. It's now all about YOU.

You do whatever it takes to take care of YOU.

As someone else mentioned, it's probably a very smart move to check with a lawyer and make sure that you're not forfeiting any parental rights or any financial interest you have in the home etc. etc., before you do this. Knowledge is power, Didact. You do what you have to do, but make sure you don't shoot yourself in the foot doing it.

Good luck to you.

Merlin posted 4/19/2014 07:51 AM

Why are you and your daughter leaving.

She gets to stay while you uproot everyone else?

Didact posted 4/19/2014 08:09 AM

As always, thank you everyone who replied. It helps.

First night away. Less awful than I thought. I was able to sleep for a bit.

To reply to those that asked: My daughters remain at home with WW. She has plenty of flaws, some of which might cost us our marriage. Her selfish actions didn't consider me or her children. But that aside (and it is not a small thing to put aside) she is a very good mother.

She offered several times to move out and leave kids with me (instead of me leaving) until we figure things out. I believe she meant it.

Me moving out wasn't all about her, I need to figure out what I want. Problem is that the war in my head is raging on so many fronts I don't know what to do next..

nomistakeaboutit posted 4/19/2014 09:13 AM

First, I'm sorry for your pain and confusion.

I'll be very direct, if that's OK. I don't like your decision to move out. I understand it is your idea, but it seems so unfair to you and your daughters. Do your daughters know what happened with your wife's A? Who's with them while your wife is working? Don't they need you now, more than ever? Your wife abandoned you (if you will), might your daughters see this as you abandoning them, which might shake their total faith in their parents.

I suggest moving back in. It's not to late. Explain to your daughters you realized immediately it was a mistake. If you need time without your W, take her up on her offer to move out. Explain to them why this is how it should be. Engage more here, on this site, to clear up your confusion. This is where the experts live, because the world here has lived through it. Read here on SI about laying out the conditions you will accept to consider reconciliation, including your wife starting IC, cutting her hours back, etc., and her working hard in IC and then MC to figure out WHY she committed this ultimate betrayal.

Jduff posted 4/19/2014 09:15 AM

She was willing to move out and leave the kids with you then you should do this. If you are worried she will go the AP if she moves out, keep in mind that the damage is already done.
But your kids will need a reliable parent in the household who is NOT selfish and have their best interest in mind. Also, having them around well help you detach from your WW and heal your broken heart as time goes on.

craig2001 posted 4/19/2014 09:19 AM

Moving out for a short while could do you good to get your head straight.

As for your wife working, life has a way of getting in the way of trying to get through this. If it isnt work it is something else that is always getting in the way of when the BS wants and needs to discuss this.

Since your wife works all of those hours and the long commute doesnt help at all, why not devote a portion of the weekends to nothing but getting this done.

What do you need your wife to do to get through this. Do you need more truth from her. Do you need more answers as to why.

While you are not there, this could be a great time for your wife to write you out a complete timeline of everything. And to write whatever else she needs to as to the whys etc.

Does she still have feelings for the OM? Is that a problem? Because not much is going to help that problem.

Do you feel your wife has already gotten past this and it is now oh well to her when it is still huge with you. That is the hardest thing to get through to the WW, that it is huge. And there can be no sweeping under the rug.

What do you feel your wife is not doing at this time.

hopeandnohope posted 4/19/2014 09:31 AM

Sorry your wife is as selfish and self centered as are most cheaters. She should be the one to move out. But, it's good that your first night away was okay. With me, as much as I wanted my husband back, it was peaceful when he moved out. He's been back and forth a few times and I'm finally really comfortable just living alone. Hope you find you enjoy the peace and quiet but it takes a while. You deserve better.

Jduff posted 4/19/2014 09:46 AM

Ok, Didact. I just read your original post and you mentioned that your wife really doesn't need the work but just wants to, correct? I understand it is for the benefits, but that financially you and the family are fine.

Well then, it sounds like your WW has options to make changes, like shorter shifts or work at another hospital with better shifts. She had options to make more time with you.

Seriously, your WW needs to understand which is more important, her career or the marriage. She needs to take ACTIONS, and this is what you are not seeing.

RipsInMyChest posted 4/19/2014 10:14 AM

I have to say that the wayward mindset and selfishness do not just disappear on DDay. A WS takes time to see the flaws in themselves, learn new coping mechanisms, and change behaviors. They frequently have NO CLUE how to help their BS.

Your wife needs to read " How to help your spouse heal...". Even after a 14 hour work day, she should be willing to spend an hour or so comforting you.

You need to tell her very specific things you need. I personally needed my WH to listen to my pain and validate that I had every right to feel that way. He apologized every time I brought it up. He was patient and tried his best not to be defensive (when I was raging this was hard for him). We talked every day. He made time and lost sleep to comfort me.

You and your W are just starting on this journey. There will be setbacks and learning curves. Neither one of you will do everything right the first time. In time, she will begin to "get it". It took my WH nearly 9 months for FULL empathy. He felt terrible from the start but it takes time to gain full understanding.

I am so sorry you find yourself here.

Didact posted 4/19/2014 11:49 AM

Again, thank you for all the thoughts.

I chose to be the one to leave (if someone has to leave) for the benefit of the kids. Her actions were deplorable. And I get that if I were thinking in terms of legal consequences moving out is not the best option (I am an attorney, but don't practice family law). But I also am primarily a loving father, and their needs come before mine, even when it benefits the person that caused this pain.

Talked with the kids this morning. It was as hard as I imagined, but we were both there and they got the right message.

An hour ago she showed me paperwork that she has applied for a leave of absence from work. Certainly that seems to be a good sign. It might kill a planned Europe vacation in the fall, but that would be a very small price to pay, if it helps get us on the right track and fast.

Perhaps my problem is I don't really know what "all in" looks like. I am just hoping I know it when I see it.

nomistakeaboutit posted 4/19/2014 12:36 PM

Would you mind explaining why you believe that your moving out benefits the kids, assuming that, for now, it is imperative that either you or your W move out? I'm not judging, but I don't understand. Are you saying that you think it would be more difficult for your children, emotionally, if your wife moved out?

I am also a man with two small children. In my situation, I saw it very differently. I did not move out. Like you, I was also devastated and confused by my xWW's A. But, the one thing that was always very clear to me was that my kids deserved my consistent presence and support. They did nothing wrong.

wonderpets posted 4/19/2014 12:52 PM

From a BS who didn't get a chance to R, I moved out but started my 50/50 parenting time right away.

Didact posted 4/19/2014 13:34 PM

If someone is going to move out, the decision as to who should be based on the best interests of the children. Because of the demands of my job, she has been and continues to be their primary caregiver. I wouldn't suggest that this doesn't affect them.

I also am not sure what I've done is right. This hurts.

IC and MC for both of us next week, more entertainment to come, no doubt.

craig2001 posted 4/19/2014 14:07 PM

What benefits are there to moving out. Is it to make your wife see what life is like without you around.

What is all in for the WW.

All in is no smart ass comments towards you like "Just get over it", which is a WS favorite. And it shows that a WS has no clue of the pain caused.

If your wife has not said anything like that to you, than she is getting it.

All in means she completely understands what you are going through and doesn't get crappy when you ask her a question and possibly ask it for the 10th time.

All in means she is not lying to you and is open.

Sometimes when the WW does not want to talk about it, it means she doesn't want to re-live the affair. Which means it makes them sick to realize they actually did do that.

An affair is such a fantasy and unrealistic world, that when the WS comes back to reality, they cannot believe they did that and when they look back, it is almost as if they are looking at a strangers actions.

nomistakeaboutit posted 4/19/2014 15:03 PM

If someone is going to move out, the decision as to who should be based on the best interests of the children. Because of the demands of my job, she has been and continues to be their primary caregiver. I wouldn't suggest that this doesn't affect them.

OK. I understand now why you were the one to move out. Thanks for explaining that.

Whether it negatively impacts the kids, at this point, I guess will be determined by how you and your wife handle this with them and what you tell them.

Regarding MC, be careful. It may be too early. You can't repair the marriage until this problem is resolved, which it clearly isn't. IC might need to precede MC, until your wife starts to see the enormity of her mistake. Whatever you do, do not accept any - ANY - responsibility for her A. You worked too much. You ignored her. You were like roommates. Etc. No. She chose a path that was unacceptable. Asking for a divorce is acceptable. Lying, sneaking around, having sex with another person, betraying her wedding vows. No. That's not acceptable. Typically, as you may have learned through all of your reading, wayward people have a very hard time accepting full responsibility for the A. They shift blame to their spouses and rewrite marital history, all for their benefit, so they don't feel like such scum bags.

Good luck next week. Post here if you want to bounce anything around or have any questions. The weekends are slow on this site, so you might receive a broader set of replies during the week.

One thought. Maybe you can plan to do something special with your kids, soon, even if it's taking them swimming with you or flying a kite or anything you three can do together. It might help reinforce your presence for them, even though you're not in the actual house with them.

Strength to you. I know you're hurting, and I'm sorry. You didn't deserve this and neither did your kids.

Didact posted 4/19/2014 15:27 PM

Great thoughts, both of you. Thank you!

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