"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Despondant68 posted 4/18/2014 22:51 PM

[This message edited by Despondant68 at 4:01 PM, May 7th (Wednesday)]

nuance posted 4/18/2014 23:32 PM

Love is great but it's not enough. Have you read the healing library? Don't accept any blame for the affair. Also buy book Not just friends.

stronger08 posted 4/19/2014 04:38 AM

Seems to me you have allowed her to blame her A on your previous behaviors. And these are totally two separate issues my man. Just as you want to change your ways as a man and H, she needs to accept her role in the A. She had options and she chose to cheat with your so-called BF. That alone was not caused by you. Until she owns her shit and accepts full responsibility for her A you cant not attempt R. Its not your job to fix her and if you think that by doing what she want you to do will make this better, well you have another thing coming. I can promise you this, another A or even a restart of the current one will happen sooner or later unless you insist she start working on herself. She will just think up another excuse for why YOU made her cheat. Don't get yourself caught up in the vicious cycle of behaviors then blame.

NaiveAgain posted 4/19/2014 04:59 AM

You just found out! I am sure that you are in shock! It takes a while for us to catch up mentally and emotionally to the trauma of betrayal. So, what that means is that you need to take it easy on yourself. Be extra nice to yourself, do good, healthy things for yourself (stay away from the vices and instead take walks, exercise, get lots of rest and try to eat right).

Don't worry about making any decisions right now. We usually say to give it at least 90 days (3 months) before you start to decide if you want to go or stay. You don't HAVE to make a decision right now. Give the shock some time to wear off, and then see where you and she are at in the relationship. There is a big difference between a truly remorseful spouse (which is what you want) and one that just says whatever they have to say to be able to stay in the relationship and cheat on the side. A few months will give you time to see if her actions are following her words.

You may have been responsible for 50% of the problems in the relationship, but she is 100% responsible for her choice to cheat. No matter what you did, you did not MAKE her look outside the relationship. That's on her.

I am glad you have addressed your issues - no matter what happens in this relationship, it will help you to become a stronger and healthier person.

but because this was her only mistake I feel ok accepting it, forgiving and moving on. My question is this, I have been very concerned for her well being, and am moving forward with as little repercussion as possible

Whether you want to deal with it or not, there are going to be repercussions to betrayal. It is impossible to sweep it under the rug and move on like nothing happened. That is called denial It IS possible to move on from betrayal and a large emotional gap, in fact, some relationships can even be better than before because an affair forces people to face their issues. It is all dependent on how badly you both want this, and how much work you are willing to put into it (real relationships take work, lots of it! but they are so worth it!)

BTW, this guy did NOT love your wife. If he loved her, he would have helped her rebuild her relationship with you instead of sabotaging it for his own selfish needs. If he truly loved her, he would have told her the good stuff as well (instead of telling her the bad stuff to make her more vulnerable to his advances). They may have thought they loved each other, but what they really loved was the feelings and attention they were getting, not the actual person. Love is more than gooey good feelings. Love is sticking around with the dirty diapers, paying the bills, and working thru the bad times together.

If you haven't already, the healing library (link to the left of your screen) is a good place for some information.

Good luck and take care of yourself!

NeverAgain2013 posted 4/19/2014 05:16 AM

I woke up sobbing hysterically this morning and know that I may not be going about this the right way, but I believe there is no right way, I just do what feels right. Is it normal to try going on as normal and dealing with the underlying feelings as they arise?

I understand your willingness to try to 'fix' the mess she made, but it's HER mess to clean, not yours. Renting a hotel room with rose petals thrown all over bed and floor makes it look like YOU were the one who did wrong and is trying to make up for it, rather than the other way around.

You woke up emotionally bereft because you're trying to slap a bandaid over what's happened rather than get to the root of things.

I think there's going to come a day when you begin to think much more pragmatically about this situation (and not so emotionally), and you're regret that you were so eager to please her after her horrific betrayal with your best friend. After all, she's the one who chose to cheat - and with your best friend - so it's NOT your job to cater to her in the hopes of 'winning' her back. That just sends a message that not only do you forgive her already for what she did, but you're so desperate for her love that you'll swallow your pride and anger and cater to her every whim. That's a very BAD precedent to set, Despondant.

Be very very careful how you move forward. Don't reward her bad behavior with hotel rooms strewn with rose petals and nights of romance or you're going to be setting a very ugly precedent that says she can betray you or treat you badly and you'll turn yourself inside out to please her and make it all better again.

It's NOT all better and she needs to do some very hard work going forward.

Sure, you were no angel with the drinking and the pot, but stop making excuses for the pot by blaming it on feeling 'neglected' because of your kids. Many of us feel neglected when real life sets in and it turns out not to be the fairytale we were all hoping it would be, but we don't turn to booze and pot because of it, so take accountability for your actions. It honestly sounds as though you have an addictive personality and would have been smoking pot and drinking booze regardless of whether you had kids or not, to you really need to address that as a separate matter.

I think the biggest thing you need to focus on is NOT stuffing your feelings down anymore. How is she really going to understand exactly how devastating her actions WERE to you and your marriage if you're spending all your time putting on a happy face and squiring her around town for romantic nights?

For every action there's a reaction. She needs to SEE that reaction and understand what she's really done, Despondant.

Good luck to you.

Despondant68 posted 4/19/2014 09:44 AM

[This message edited by Despondant68 at 4:03 PM, May 7th (Wednesday)]

norabird posted 4/19/2014 10:35 AM

If you talk to the other BS, I think it should focus on moving forward how you both intend to monitor your WS's behavior to see that the A does not go underground. Perhaps also to establish if the OM is talking about R or about D at this time. I wouldn't lean on each other beyond as accountability partners to make sure you are both getting accurate information.

You believe her intent is true--that's premature. You WANT to believe it, more accurately. But you can have no clue if she is sincere. I think you need to step back from your perception of her as an 'amazingly morally well adjusted person' and realize that her communications and whereabouts should be open to your monitoring at all times, instead of your just deciding you can trust her. I would not be surprised if she has taken the moral high ground with you over the past years because of your substance use; that's not a very healthy dynamic for the M. You both have to be able to respect each other. Of course the path to rebuilding that respect right now is very complicated and I do not recommend you start running down it right away.

It is very hard to stick with one desire right after discovery--planning D to re-committing to breaking down is all very common. Step back and gain some distance, and focus your attention right now on you. Your WW needs to know that she has to prove that she is trustworthy again, and you should not be worrying about how she handles the A's exposure. Every action has consequences and it would be wise of you to stop protecting her from these.

Good luck to you.

Despondant68 posted 4/19/2014 11:40 AM

Thank you all

Despondant68 posted 4/20/2014 10:19 AM

Its easier to relive than regret, every challenge is an opportunity.......

bufffalo posted 4/20/2014 16:14 PM

Despondant.....

Dude....How long did her affair last?

Remember.....they got busted...she didn't just confess....

Her decision to cheat is hers..and hers alone....its not your fault. However...there are what I call pre-affair issues - and you own half of those.

What set the stage for her to even want to cheat? Several things can trigger that...lack of intimacy, narcissistic personality, lack of time spent together, kids, money issues, drinking and drugging, gambling, computer games, too much time with friends, sexless marriages, depression, lack of communication between the two of you ...etc.

You mentioned :

We had a major discussion of the comments that I had made, shortly thereafter, and determined that we would try to rebuild.

Good....but...this is a long trip, Bro....couple of trips to MC will NOT fix this....nor will a hotel weekend of make up sex on rose petals....she needs to find out why she made the decision to cheat.....THAT is hers ...you cannot fix that...she has to.

What type of affair is also important....exit, rekindled, revenge, and so on...your wifes...in my opinion - seems to be one of those what I call a "shits and giggles affair" - an ego stroking - makes me feel good kind of an affair...about feel good with no or little emotional attachment on her part (she may be humping your leg some - women will sometimes get emotionally attached to affair partners).....look at her cell phone bill - you will find hundreds of IMs...etc.

NC letter to OM - good move....you need to be prepared to sever that relationship....NC needs to be in place....forever.. (be wary - a lot of As will go underground at this point - do NOT stick your head into the sand)...

Divorce papers - another good move. My wife getting those were very instrumental in her seeking help for her pre-affair issues - yeah...she had several. Papers help the affair "fog" dissipate.... I suggest IC for her..

Have you read the "healing library"? yes...the whole thing....then read it again...lots of good information concerning affairs....and the dynamics of them...

How is your wife's reaction to all this? a simple i'm sorry I cheated is NOT a viable response....until my FWW showed me a "snotting, blubbering, crying, im so sorry I hurt you, mascara dripping off her chin apology".....I felt she was just humping my leg.....and this will take some time to happen.. Cannot stress hard enough - this shit takes time....months at best...sometimes years....brace yourself...

Good luck...keep us posted....

Bufffalo

Despondant68 posted 5/3/2014 20:20 PM

[This message edited by Despondant68 at 4:03 PM, May 7th (Wednesday)]

knockeddown posted 5/3/2014 20:32 PM

It seems unnaturally better now

Yea, probably unnaturally better. You have a hell of a lot of feelings to work through, brother. It is going to be imperative for you to abstain from any and all alcohol or drugs. I warn you not to cope with these emotions by escaping them. There is no escaping them in the long-run.

As the children's book says, "We're going on a bear hunt...can't go over it, can't go under it, guess we just have to go through it."

You're going to have to go through this for a long time coming, I'm afraid. One of my favorite signatures on this site is, "Sit. Feast on your life." Try sitting with the emotions--they won't kill you, but if you try to escape them they might.

((((despondant))))

jb3199 posted 5/3/2014 21:06 PM

I know they say its her mistake, but i also know I contributed to the situation.

You contributed to the poor state of the marriage, and no one will give you a pass here. These are your issues, and you need to work through them.

But you contributed NOTHING to your wife cheating. Trying to accept even the smallest amount of this blame does a disservice to you, your wife, and the marriage. Just as your wife has ZERO responsibility for your drinking, pot smoking, and anger issues, you have ZERO responsibility for her affair. Period. You both need to own your problems in their entirety.

The two of you can't rush through reconciliation, or problems will resurface in the future. Her infidelity needs to be addressed. Your issues need to be addressed. But it is critical that these are not used as ammunition against one another. As long as you both are fully committed to each other, are being open and honest an all fronts, and are not only accepting blame for your issues, but are constantly working on them, then there is little reason to think that the two of you can't succeed.

The two of you just need to accept that this is a long, difficult road ahead. But it can be well worth it. Just make sure that both of you are open books to one another. Implement good, firm boundaries for both of you---and abide by them. Seek individual and couples counseling. Purchase reconciliation books, and read them together. These are all steps that will help to not only improve communication, but give your marriage.....that has been torn to the ground.....something to rebuild upon.

DTERMINED2SURVIV posted 5/4/2014 07:44 AM

Oh, the DREADFUL April the 13th!(2012) Thats when OW found out she was pregnant with OC. Im sorry you share the pain of that day with me.

I just want to tell you that there is no normal. Go with your gut. If you want to buy her flowers and get rooms then thats fine, but make sure she is putting in the work too. She needs to work as hard as she possibly can to get that feeling back just like you are. She did wrong but it does take two people to R so I understand why you wanted to have such a special night.

Also, you CANNOT blame yourself even a little for her affair. My SO has probably (from what ive seen) done some of the most outrageous things a WS can do. I was betrayed and abandoned, yet and still I never even came close to cheating! It was your wifes choice for whatever reason.

I dont think its unreasonable to ask her to sell her vehicle. Does she value it more then your feelings? She shouldnt. If it would help you then she should do it. Explain how it triggers you and see what she says.

At this point you really need to take it a day at a time, good or bad. No major decisions. You have a lot of years built into this, it will take time to really know what you want.

[This message edited by DTERMINED2SURVIV at 7:47 AM, May 4th (Sunday)]

jjct posted 5/4/2014 08:06 AM

Your wife did not have an affair because you weren't *meeting her emotional needs*.
Get a new counselor. One who specializes in infidelity.

You're waking up sobbing because your trying to fit a false template on your healing.
There is in fact - a right way and a wrong way to truly R (Reconcile).

Stick around. Keep posting. You'll see.
We got your back.

Despondant68 posted 5/4/2014 12:03 PM

[This message edited by Despondant68 at 4:04 PM, May 7th (Wednesday)]

kenny55 posted 5/5/2014 18:43 PM

You need to slow down on this reconciliation. She had an abortion and did not tell you? What if it was your child and not the OM? You can't rug sweep this. I wanted to get back to "normal" as soon aspossible also and we are now getting Divorced

stronger08 posted 5/6/2014 04:09 AM

Don't get yourself caught up in the "OM is to blame" Your WW should be your main concern, not the OM. The abortion and current pregnancy are major, major concerns you need to seriously dissect and come to terms with. I think you are allowing her to once again skirt the main issue and toss the blame away from herself. In your earlier posts you were blaming yourself for what she did, now your blaming OM. Wake up bro !!!! Your WW is the is the one who made vows to you, then tossed them aside for a little sexual fun with OM. And still you refuse to lay blame at her feet. Why ????

Jduff posted 5/6/2014 08:39 AM

Told no to communicate, he texted 3 times, in which one was "nice copy and paste letter" she replied "im committed" another asking to get together she replied "no im committed.One asking if she got her period which she replied no, but stressed and late....

Despondant,

Why doesn't she have this assclown's number blocked on her phone? Why is he still being allowed to text/communicate with YOUR wife? Have her block the damn number. The call assclown's wife and tell her that he is still trying to communicate with your wife.

Despondant68 posted 5/6/2014 09:49 AM

[This message edited by Despondant68 at 4:04 PM, May 7th (Wednesday)]