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Where were you at 8 months out?

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FoggedIn posted 4/18/2014 23:41 PM

I'm curious what the state of your marriage was 8 months from dday? With trickle truth that we still haven't discussed & questions still left to ask.

I know each story is different in circumstances and details, but WH keeps yelling that he's sick of me reminding him that his choices are the reason I'm dealing with all this shit. Although we rarely discuss the marriage or affair. (once every 3 weeks maybe).

So where were you at 8 or 9 months?

annb posted 4/18/2014 23:54 PM

but WH keeps yelling that he's sick of me reminding him that his choices are the reason I'm dealing with all this shit. Although we rarely discuss the marriage or affair.

Your husband is clueless and insensitive and wants to rugsweep. What has he done to help save the marriage and help the healing process? IC? Books? MC? Yep, his choices are the reason you are dealing with all this shit. It's not a fantasy or a dream, it is your reality.

At eight months out, I was just coming down from the shock and began to fully process his A. For me it was much worse. Even though the anger had been there for awhile, it really began to rear its ugly head. I was barely functioning.

My WH also TT me to death. It was a living nightmare, the pain was excruciating. Have severe PTSD because of all the lies, 1/2 truths, protecting himself, blah, blah, blah.

At 8 months I pretty much brought up the A every day. Lots of arguments. Many questions. Disgust.

Are you in IC? A good IC. I went through a couple until I finally found one that I felt understood the emotional fallout of infidelity and the difficult path back to sanity.

BTW, I sent you a PM awhile back.

Nature_Girl posted 4/19/2014 00:14 AM

At that point my ex had completely checked out of the marriage and was indulging in black rages daily at me & the kids. Finding the pictures of other women sucking on his dick was a relief, actually. I finally could just end it all and be done.

Uhtred posted 4/19/2014 00:16 AM

I'm going on 12 months out coming up on April 29th. I was angry as all get out at 8 months and I'm still angry and hurt as all get out now. I still think about the affair every day multiple times a day.

Your husband is being a serious asshole. If my ww said anything remotely close to that I'd have bounced her ass out so fast her head would still be spinning.

RidingHealingRd posted 4/19/2014 00:50 AM

At 8 month out I can honestly say that I was still struggling, still hurt, still raging, and still asking a million questions...over and over again ~ and I was a BS with an extremely remorseful WH.

One thing I never experienced was this:

WH keeps yelling that he's sick of me reminding him that his choices are the reason I'm dealing with all this shit.

I would never tolerate it, nor should you.

Although we rarely discuss the marriage or affair

Because your WH does not want to?

What you do not discuss you cannot resolve.

[This message edited by RidingHealingRd at 2:37 AM, April 19th (Saturday)]

crazynot posted 4/19/2014 01:18 AM

At 8 months out I was desperately clinging to every smile, every kind word from him as a sign that we were going to be ok. I worked on all kinds of ways to listen more and communicate better. He was civil, sometimes kind, and willing to tell me where he was going etc so I'd feel better. But there was no passion, no love and no connection from him. And just about around that time, I found out that he was seeing her again.

NeverAgain2013 posted 4/19/2014 07:55 AM

At 8 months out, I was loving living in my own apartment and no longer associating myself with a lying cheater. Life is way too short for that.

I will say that your husband seems to have ZERO remorse for what he did. If you'd only shut up and get over it, he'd appreciate that OH so much, thank you.

Look. It's been 8 months of you feeling that you're not allowed to discuss this issue, and being made to feel that there's something wrong with you because you just won't let it go.

There are questions you want to ask that you're afraid to put on the table because you know he'll just throw another tantrum and not cooperate with you. Because to him, you don't count. Your feelings don't count, your unhappiness doesn't count, your fears for a successful reconciliation don't count, your anger at the horrific wrong he's done to you doesn't count, and the fact that he thinks it's perfectly ok to CONTINUE lying to you simply doesn't count.

Not in his world, anyway.

It sounds like you're no farther at 8 months than you were at 8 hours after D-day. How are you EVER expected to begin truly healing when you're dealing with someone who has no remorse at all for what he's done, and more importantly, no COMPASSION for the devastation his direct actions have caused the one person who loves him the most?

Shame on him.

RipsInMyChest posted 4/19/2014 08:40 AM

WH keeps yelling that he's sick of me reminding him that his choices are the reason I'm dealing with all this shit.

This is unacceptable.

Although we rarely discuss the marriage or affair. (once every 3 weeks maybe).

Every 3 weeks?!?!?! At 8 months, we talked every day! I told him early on that I will talk as much as I need to and if he wants to be with me he will stand in the pit of pain and anger with me! He threw me in the pit and I should not and will not stand there alone!

Now at 15 months, with him showing patience and remorse consistently every day, we are climbing out of the pit TOGETHER.

I have told him that this is part of our life story and one of the biggest events to ever happen to us. We will talk about it whenever we feel like it for the rest of our lives. No rug sweeping allowed!


Gotmegood posted 4/19/2014 09:19 AM

What you are experiencing is wrong for R. I won't bother to repeat what everyone else has written, but really, what you are living with will never give you trust, or peace, or respect for him, I wouldn't think.
At 8 months out exactly, I feel like we are digging our way out of a garbage pit. It is ALWAYS me who brings up the feelings from the betrayal, and yes, still with the questions. Not so much timeline or particular 'acts' questions anymore, but more questioning of his thinking, feelings, values, etc. while it is always me who brings up the topic (and I still wish WH would sometime), WH always answers patiently. I've never seen even a roll of his eyes. And it is ALWAYS WH who says loving things, endearing things........and I'm still not 100% sure if we will make it through this.
Not that I'm an expert, far from it, but I believe if I were you I would buy the book "How to Help Your Partner Heal from Your Affair", carefully and specifically express what you NEED from him, and then begin 180. Boy it's so hard. But....are you going to be okay, say, 1 year from now, if things stay as they are?

struggling16 posted 4/19/2014 12:41 PM

We were still hysterical bonding and he was answering every single question I asked and volunteering a lot of information. I was in complete and utter shock-I lost myself for a very long time. He absorbed my rages. We were taking mini vacations and rediscovering each other. He was spending every minute of every day with me. It may not have been healthy to be together but it was apparent that he had been shocked enough to demonstrate commitment to fixing the damage he had caused. I could not have stayed in the M if he had given me a hard time. He took total responsibility and that helped me heal.

I'm so sorry your WH is causing you more trauma with his unconstructive attitude.

Ostrich80 posted 4/19/2014 19:05 PM

Suspicious, uneasy, frustrated. Still hopeful I would see a glimpse of who my ws was before DD but afraid he was forever gone.

Holly-Isis posted 4/19/2014 19:12 PM

In IOP- intensive out patient therapy. Going every day for three hours to group therapy because one viscous round of TT when he had agreed it was the truth or our M. I should've stuck to my boundary and left then. It wrecked what strength I had built up and left me in limbo, eating off of scraps of R.

DepressedDaddy posted 4/19/2014 19:19 PM

I look forward to see where I am going to be at 8 months. I am almost at 5 months out from DDay. The first 4 months we were doing R and up until the last week of it, it was going really well. Then we both just said we couldn't continue. Now we are going down the D path. In a small way I was hoping she would have fought for us, but instead she went the other direction. That told me everything. I'm hopeful for the next couple months to provide me some new vision and personal growth. I know I couldn't give you anything about the 8 month mark, but it is something I am looking forward to.

nomistakeaboutit posted 4/19/2014 19:24 PM

At 8 months out, I was divorced, had primary custody of my kids and was starting the long process of healing. Emotionally, I was still devastated, but I knew I had taken the right path, so each day I felt just a small amount better.

sunvalley posted 4/19/2014 19:34 PM

I am about 8-9m out as well. There are no further TTs, and haven't been since Oct. I relate daily things to this, I am an emotional rollercoaster still and I went through a really hard depression about 3weeks ago where I was not an easy person to be around. He has been accommodating, answered my every question, calmed my fears and offered suggestions to relieve my anxiety. Have there been times where he's felt like it's too much and overwhelming? Absolutely. But he has taken full responsibility for the fact that I'm going through this, even at times where I've felt like I'm being unnecessarily cruel (relating every little comment or discussion to it a couple weeks ago). I understand that they are hurting too. I get how the guilt, frustration and despair over doing this does take over them as well when they see you suffering. But that needs to come out in a healthy way instead of as anger towards you. Does he see an IC? Are you confident all the TTs are out or is there something he's protecting with this anger? I'm so sorry, it's not an easy road for anyone but I know that if mine were not as supportive as he's been, even in my lows, it would be that much harder on me.

FoggedIn posted 4/19/2014 19:37 PM

As awful as it may sound, I'm grateful that I'm not the only one still in such a mess after 8 months. (Not that I would ever wish this feeling & misery on anyone!)

WH has been in IC for about 4 months, I've been in IC almost from the get go. We were in MC, but he wasn't a good fit for us or our situation. I have been looking for a new MC in hopes that will help, to work on the M and not just our own individual crap.

WH has/is doing some things right. However as someone said to me in a post a while back, what he is doing is what any loving, caring husband should be doing anyway. Helping around the house, with the kids, being a better listener when I need to vent (about non relationship issues), supportive in every other way except where his A and our R is concerned.

We attended the Gottman Science of Love workshop early in March. It briefly helped communication, things quickly went back to our previous habits.

Every time I ask hard questions or he gets backed into a corner, he brings up the D word. Which I haven't said or threatened a single time in 8 months, yet he can throw it around when it gets too hot in the kitchen. The last time he said it, I told him if he said it again, regardless how heated the convo was, that I would assume he meant it and quickly hefty bag his shit. I'm done hearing that from his mouth, unless he means it.

I try and talk when I've waited as long as I possibly can & put it off to avoid the mess I know it will cause. Either the topic I bring up gets refocused and it becomes all about him and he ends up talking the whole time, or it turns into a huge mess. He's pissed, refuses to stop and consider my needs or feelings. And says "If you want to live in the past forever, then we'll never get past this".

I just received a letter from him about a month ago, he admits having contacted prostitutes on 3 or 4 other occasions, but couldn't go through with it........ (not buying it). However we have yet to discuss the letter, even when I bring it up because I clearly have dozens of questions stemming from the letter, he refuses, changes the subject. Whatever he needs to do to avoid it.

I don't know how to more clearly state that I cannot move to the next step without processing all that has happened. But he just wants "to start fresh today, clean slate."

Gemini71 posted 4/19/2014 19:42 PM

I am just over 8 months out. The kids and I are living with my folks, we've finally gotten the Mortgage Release from the Bank on our house (Deed in lieu of Foreclosure), we have a signed Parenting Plan filed with the court and are working on the financial MSA. I hope to have the Divorce finalized by D-Day anniversary.

Emotionally I'm still fragile. I'm still in IC and on ADs, but I feel I've made a lot of progress. I'm starting my Master's Degree next month and have a three-year plan for starting a career. I've been pretty much NC with STBXH since Christmas, and it has helped me immensely. I still think about him and his actions everyday, but not all the time. More often than not, I'm angry instead of sad. In fact, I'm now just disgusted by his stupidity at ruining our life together.

My marriage is a chapter in my life that is drawing to a close. I'm looking forward to finding out what comes next.

FoggedIn posted 4/22/2014 12:19 PM

I'm considering printing out this thread for WH to read and maybe help him understand that most people are not on the yellow brick road at 8 months.


RidingHealingRd posted 4/26/2014 23:41 PM

I'm considering printing out this thread for WH to read and maybe help him understand that most people are not on the yellow brick road at 8 months.

I have read SI posts to my WH. They offer so much insight into how other BS feel...which often times is exactly how I feel. If I think he can benefit from hearing it then I read it to him.

20WrongsVs1 posted 4/27/2014 08:47 AM

At 8 months out, the realization of how deeply I'd hurt BH had hit just a couple weeks before, and I started to "get it" for the first time. Around 7 months is when I think R truly started, because I was finally owning my shit. Realizing that nothing BH did, or said, or didn't do or say, nothing about our M contributed to my A's. It was all on me. I'd given lip service to it, but around 7-8 months is when I truly got it, and took full personal responsibility. Ouch. It hurt, and facing that was hard. Sounds like your WH isn't willing to face that pain yet.

By then I'd been in weekly IC for 6 months, and was beginning to experience normal human emotions, from which I'd been blocked (PTSD) my whole adult life.

Now we're 12 months out, and BH is starting to relax, starting to feel like we're a team again. I feel worse, guiltier, than ever. Both my therapist and BH were glad to hear it, because feeling so ashamed for my actions is an indicator that my moral code is coming back into alignment.

FoggedIn, I'm so sorry your WH doesn't *get it* yet. You can't *make him* though, he has to do it on his own. It's scary, and hard, to face and defeat one's demons. Stuffing them in a box and pretending they're not there, is much easier. Problem is, as you're seeing, they're going to continue peeking out once in awhile, and someday they'll emerge again with a vengeance.

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