Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-

SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Betrayedwife1120 (45756)

User Topic: Leaving is an option
Pass
♂ 38122
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 1:53 AM, April 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope this isn't offensive. I'm trying to make sure it isn't. I am always careful when answering someone who is still with their wayward spouse. The first thing I want to tell them is "Run! Get the hell away from that backstabber!"

But the truth is that reconciliation truly does work for some couples. And I'm very happy for people when I hear those stories.

When I discovered The Princess was screwing around, I gave her shit almost non-stop for three nights, and spent the days staying the hell away from her so I wouldn't accidentally reveal anything to our little boys. Three days later, I decided to try to reconcile, and that's when I lost the power.

She went right back to being emotionally abusive, and not fulfilling the conditions I had placed on reconciliation. She was a bad person - always had been - but I couldn't even imagine life without her, so I didn't even try. We spent three months in false reconciliation before I finally stood tall and told her I wanted a divorce.

I'm not saying everybody should divorce after DDay. That is my bias at this point in the game, but even though my marriage wasn't salvageable, I realize that others' may be.

So what do I want to tell you? Don't automatically assume reconciliation. It takes a fuck of a lot of work - a lot of it on the back of the wayward - to make a reconciliation happen. However, if there is a chance of it working (and by that I mean if your spouse wants reconciliation, and is willing to work and change for it), your spouse needs a wake-up call.

This person who cheated on you needs to know they are NOT your everything. This person needs to know that unless some serious changes and reparations are made, you are willing to end this marriage. If you do nothing to indicate that you are willing to enforce consequences, there is often no reason for your spouse to change from being a selfish arsehole.

You have no money? You have no retirement plan? Yep, that makes it hard, but you are entitled to part of everything your spouse has. You probably have family who would move heaven and earth to get you out of this degrading living arrangement. You probably have friends who are totally here for you. You may even have an employer who would understand. And if you are abused, there are social programs and groups that want to help you.

Will starting over suck? Yep, it certainly did for me. 13 months after breaking up with The Princess, it still does. But it sucks less than it did when I first left, and WAY less than it would have if I'd stayed.

But you can start over, and perhaps you should. Don't automatically discard the idea.

If there is any chance of your spouse reforming him/herself, and any chance of your marriage being saved, having your spouse see that you are willing to quit the marriage is the best way to get a loud and proud start on that wake-up call.

If quitting really is the best option, then you will have started your momentum going down that road.

Don't consider quitting just to try to win your spouse back. Consider it because you may have to. If you end up saving your marriage, I'm happy for you. If you don't end up saving your marriage, it's because that fucking boob wasn't willing, and doesn't deserve you - and I'll be happy for you for starting fresh.

[This message edited by Pass at 1:56 AM, April 19th, 2014 (Saturday)]


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 2157 | Registered: Jan 2013
RidingHealingRd
♀ 33867
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 2:33 AM, April 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I firmly believe that the WS must want R more that the BS.

This person who cheated on you needs to know they are NOT your everything. This person needs to know that unless some serious changes and reparations are made, you are willing to end this marriage. If you do nothing to indicate that you are willing to enforce consequences, there is often no reason for your spouse to change from being a selfish arsehole.

^^^Bingo!

I would also add: Don't beg!

I made it clear to my WH that I didn't give a shit if he left or stayed but if he stayed he would stay under my terms. Which meant he must be honest, decent, sober, and respectful. He must change and become a man of good character and integrity.

You get what you allow.


ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 4 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 2134 | Registered: Nov 2011
crazynot
♀ 24572
Member # 24572
Default  Posted: 2:40 AM, April 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes to both. And the end of a marriage - even one that has lasted decades - needn't be the end of YOU. I absolutely agree that the WS has to be 200 percent desperate and dedicated to save the M, otherwise there is no chance. But so often the betrayed person (and I did this) goes into 'I must fix this' autopilot mode, desperate to make the whole thing unhappen. I nearly lost my sanity trying to patch up a relationship that had died years before and which, as my WH kept telling me, was no longer available to me. Listen, really listen, to what they are saying, and if it isn't TOTAL remorse (not regret, not 'I'm sorry I hurt you') and revulsion for their own actions, then you have no option. There is no relationship to save. I say this because I could have saved myself and my kids a year of pain and lies.


Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.


Posts: 905 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
stronger08
♂ 16953
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 4:21 AM, April 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well done Grasshopper !!!!!!!!!!!!!


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5831 | Registered: Nov 2007
Jduff
♂ 41988
Member # 41988
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, April 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pass, that was a great post!

Let me also add along with the others that if your WS does not show any remorse in their actions they have shown you who they really are. Believe them!


Divorced - 5/23/14
Already in my New Beginning - :)

Posts: 619 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: texas
doggiediva
♀ 33806
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, April 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree! Well said...

[This message edited by doggiediva at 11:04 AM, April 19th (Saturday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1356 | Registered: Nov 2011
Skan
♀ 35812
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, April 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree 100%, as a BW who has R with my FWH. You really, really and truly, have to be willing to walk away from the marriage or partnership, to have a chance to save it. And the WS needs to know that R is not an automatic option it's a gift that may, or may not be extended, and that can be revoked at any moment.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 5100 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Furious1
♀ 42970
Member # 42970
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, April 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree. When I confronted my WH, I didn't beg for the truth from him. I didn't even ask him if he was cheating. I suspected it and I knew he was lying to me and that was enough for me. I flat out told him that I wanted a divorce because I couldn't stand to be married to a man who could look me straight in the eye and lie to me.

WH didn't pull his head out of his butt overnight, but any improvement or change in him was preceded by me deciding that I couldn't put up with it anymore. It was not an empty threat on my part and WH knows it. I am prepared at any moment to file for divorce and never look back. If he wants to be with me, he better prove it. If not, it's his loss. I done with putting up with his selfish crap.


BW (me): 41 WH (him): 49
Married 19 years. SD: 26 from his 1st. M. DS: 21 from 1st M. DD: 17 (autistic)
D-day: 10/4/13 with ongoing TT (last TT was 10/2/14).
2 OC with 2 different OW. 7 year EA followed by 8 year PA with my sister.

Posts: 360 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: United States
mchercheur
♀ 37735
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, April 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Very excellent post Pass.

We BSs are so between a rock & a hard place upon discovery.

When my 1st WH, of 10 years, had an A, I divorced him (there were no kids involved.)

On Dday with my 2nd (current) WH, I thought I would divorce him. WH assumed from the beginning that we would R. After several months of separation it took me starting divorce proceedings for him to stop contact with OW.
We ended up deciding to R. I did it for our 4 kids----maybe there is a chance that WH is capable of changing.

I am still not sure if I made the right decision.


Me: BW
Him: WH --Had 7 mo. PA with COW;
Married 20something years with kids
Trying to R

Posts: 1458 | Registered: Dec 2012
Imissmyhusb
♀ 42734
Member # 42734
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, April 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Pass
I needed to read this today


Married '03 - DD1 '01, DD2,3 '13, DD4 '14
3 kids 7y and 4y twins
me - sahm since '07, him - idk him any more
~~~~~~~~~
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.

Posts: 286 | Registered: Mar 2014
SadInNC
♀ 42170
Member # 42170
Default  Posted: 11:48 PM, April 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not offensive at all, Pass. Leaving is an option for sure. One that I've been considering more and more as time goes by.


BS/Me WH/Him

"Your value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth." -Unknown Wise Person


Posts: 345 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: North Carolina, United States
scaredyKat
♀ 25560
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, April 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Agree. I'll add that the decision to !eave must remain on the table forever. It may be hidden away in a corner but it is always there. Infidelity changes the playing field. In the case of serial infidelity or sex addiction, those changes run deep. The spouse is deeply changed and traumatized. Self preservation requires a new way of thinking, and that includes an emergency escape clause, if needs be.

It's sadly, a necessary tool for those of us affected.


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3778 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
Furious1
♀ 42970
Member # 42970
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, April 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

scaredyKat, I totally agree. Staying married unconditionally is no longer an option. Just because I am considering R or even committed to R does not mean that D has been taken off the table.

To me, staying married unconditionally is what allowed WH to take me for granted so badly in the first place. Let's face it. Screwing around isn't that much fun when your marriage is banging on the rocks (quote from "Let's Give Them Something To Talk About").

I do not keep divorce as an option in order to make my WH do what I want. Far from it. I am actually smashing the rose colored glasses and acknowledging it when WH does things that I can't continue living with.

For too long, I thought that I had to be married to WH to be happy. Now, I am realizing that having a good life is far more important to me. I had to stop living in a fantasy world of what I wanted my marriage to be as oppose to what it actually was. My marriage (or lack thereof) is secondary to my ultimate goal of having a good life. WH is not the end all, be all to having a good life. He dumped a lot of painful crap on me that I did not deserve or ask for.

It has taken me some time and hard work (and a lot of IC), but I now realize that being married to WH is optional. Having a good life is not. That was a major shift in thinking for me. It saddens me greatly when I read posts from people who were where I once was, but I know that this is their journey just as mine is mine.

I fully understand how powerful the desire to be loved is. I have spent 40 years of my life chasing it. I hate to admit it, but it all came down to one stupid purple post it note for me. (My IC had me write empowering post it notes and stick them all around my house.) That post it note read "They are not better than you."

It took a while to really sink in. One day, it finally did. I hate to admit it, but it was only a few weeks ago when I was dealing with the "sex with my sister in MY BED for 3 years" issue that I finally snapped. I have been hell on heels since then.


BW (me): 41 WH (him): 49
Married 19 years. SD: 26 from his 1st. M. DS: 21 from 1st M. DD: 17 (autistic)
D-day: 10/4/13 with ongoing TT (last TT was 10/2/14).
2 OC with 2 different OW. 7 year EA followed by 8 year PA with my sister.

Posts: 360 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: United States
Pass
♂ 38122
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, April 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I now realize that being married to WH is optional. Having a good life is not.

What a fantastic quote! THAT sums up everything I was trying to say.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 2157 | Registered: Jan 2013
justinpaintoday
♂ 42858
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, April 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pass: Thanks for the post. Good counsel


I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
Nailinmyforehead
♂ 38427
Member # 38427
Default  Posted: 5:31 AM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pass-15 months into this mess, I agree wholeheartedly with your post. My FWW and I are successfully reconciling, but it was not until I had a EUREKA! moment one day that it changed. I went to her and told her that I did not need her in my life, but chose to have her. I told her that "I need you because I love you. I DO NOT love you because I need you". I let her chew on this thought for a bit and it now sums up our marriage.


"Son, you've got the future- shining like a piece of gold, but I swear as we get closer- it looks more like a lump of coal"

Posts: 137 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Ohio
Imissmyhusb
♀ 42734
Member # 42734
Content  Posted: 9:45 AM, April 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wanna be like you guys when i grow up
So strong


Married '03 - DD1 '01, DD2,3 '13, DD4 '14
3 kids 7y and 4y twins
me - sahm since '07, him - idk him any more
~~~~~~~~~
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.

Posts: 286 | Registered: Mar 2014
krsplat
♀ 43242
Member # 43242
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, April 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Staying married unconditionally is no longer an option. Just because I am considering R or even committed to R does not mean that D has been taken off the table.

^^^This. I need to remember this. Thanks.


Me & WH: 48, married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus multiple ONS
Status: Living in limbo

Posts: 388 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Virginia
LovelyDaffodils
♀ 42822
Member # 42822
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, April 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is the option I am leaning toward. I have thought much and I am ok with it. It will not be easy and will take time to work it all out. I just can't waste any more time on the fence wondering if WH wants R or is on the fence himself.

Limbo hell sucks!! I have to keep repeating that I have the power to end it.

Thanks for the post Pass.


BS me 49
WS 42
OW easy NSA he says he told he was single
9 mo A
DDay 1/3/14
TT 2 wks later
still waiting for the rest
Married 11 yrs
Together 20
In house S, Divorcing

Posts: 75 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Southeast US
MadeOfScars
♂ 42231
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, April 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I must echo many others when I say great post Pass! You have been one of many who has provided me guidance from JFO to S/D and beyond. The experience and wisdom on this site is simply a godsend for so many of us in our darkest hours. Sometimes what you want to read and what you need to read are polar opposites, but I encourage everyone in JFO to read the accounts of those who have walked this road ahead of you, whether they R'd or embarked on a new life. The mistakes I would have made were it not for SI would likely have buried me.


“Nothing more completely baffles one who is full of trick and duplicity, than straightforward and simple integrity in another.” ― Charles Caleb Colton

Posts: 1354 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
Topic Posts: 21
Pages: 1 · 2

Return to Forum This Topic is Archived
adultry
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.