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Newest Member: Misty33 (46040)

User Topic: Marriage counselor called
tennis26
♀ 39585
Member # 39585
Default  Posted: 6:48 AM, April 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I loved our MC. She was as duped by the manipulator as I was. We started MC before I found out about the affair. He was trying to convince me our marriage was so bad we should divorce, so he could get out before I found out what the real problem was. That he was a POS living a double life.

Divorce is nearly final and our MC called to let me know STBX wants to start IC with her. She wants to know whether that's ok with me since she saw me for IC once or twice and I have first dibs if I ever want to go back.

I haven't answered yet. I guess I'm glad he's finally seeking help. Part of me doesn't want to give up future IC with our MC. I think I'd need it if he brings OW into our kids lives down the road. I am seeing a different therapist now focusing on just being happy but she just knows general background.

What should I do? I think if he doesn't see our MC he may not follow through with getting help at all.


Me BS 44, Him WS 44
Married 17 yrs 4 kids-3,6,10,15
Day 5/23/13 divorcing

Posts: 17 | Registered: Jun 2013
Klove
♀ 42096
Member # 42096
Default  Posted: 7:40 AM, April 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If this was happening in my life I'd let pos stbxwh have the MC. Let's face it- he probably needs way more help than you do and IC *might* help him approach parenting more responsibly? You are aware enough to seek counselling on your own- he likely won't if he has to start fresh.
He needs it...probably infinitely more than you.
Just my opinion...


"But stand still is all I did
Love like ours is never fixed
Still I stuck around
I did behave
I saved you every time
I was a fool for love
I was a fool for love"

Posts: 294 | Registered: Jan 2014
nowiknow23
♀ 33226
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 7:53 AM, April 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is there a reason why you both couldn't be patients of hers after the divorce? It's not like she can discuss you with each other. Would that be problematic for you? For her?


You can call me NIK

"Keep your face always toward the sunshine - and shadows will fall behind you."
-Walt Whitman


Posts: 26531 | Registered: Aug 2011
Merlin
♂ 30221
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 7:54 AM, April 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If she wants to end the role of MC, maybe it's okay to take him on as an IC client.

She must need the money.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
GreatRoleModel
♀ 36809
Member # 36809
Default  Posted: 7:54 AM, April 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you like the IC and feel they have provided support and healing for you I would not give them up. Also if your D is not final you never know what crazy he may throw your way and you have to raise kids still together and that brings a whole set of potential future issues. Does he know you saw the IC for yourself after MC? If so then he is taking away a support you have in place for yourself. If it were me I would not as there are plenty of other IC that can help.


BS (me)
XWS (him) NPD
DIVORCED!!!
It takes a village to deal with the village idiot!
“If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane.”
― Robert Frost

Posts: 403 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: NC
million pieces
♀ 27539
Member # 27539
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, April 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm with this. My ex was soooo reluctant to do IC (as it was all MY fault) that I would have done anything to get him to talk to someone that I knew already figured him out. Just the few times he went really helped a lot about telling the kids and setting up his apartment, I could only dream what kind of positive influence if he had gotten input/feedback later.

If this was happening in my life I'd let pos stbxwh have the MC. Let's face it- he probably needs way more help than you do and IC *might* help him approach parenting more responsibly? You are aware enough to seek counselling on your own- he likely won't if he has to start fresh.
He needs it...probably infinitely more than you.
Just my opinion...


Me - 42
2 kids, 9 and 12
D-Day 2/5/10, separated 3 wks later
Divorced 11/15/11!!!!

Posts: 1281 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: MD
nekorb
♀ 40306
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, April 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm with klove and million on this and will probably also be giving up the MC for WH to do IC. I'm ok with it. He needs help and most likely won't do it if he has to start fresh. Also - it's someone that has the REAL background information.

I wanted my IC to work with my DD while she is home from college. She said she can't because of conflict of interest. Too much information.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
deena
♀ 27275
Member # 27275
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, April 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I had seen an IC she had suggested that WH come in with me to see a MC, but that it could not be her. I think it comes down to protecting both clients from possibility of bias. Or even maybe the C getting accused of bias towards the one he/she is originally with.
But when we had gone to another MC before D-Day WH and I would at times see the C individually as well. He was still working on us as a couple tho.

PS
@tennis26 awhile back in one of my post you asked me to let me know how it went with telling my kids as you wanted to know for yourself. I private messaged you(pm) but I see you haven't read it. Just in case you didn't think to check your pm.

[This message edited by deena at 9:17 AM, April 19th (Saturday)]


Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's
better to leave them broken than to hurt
yourself putting it back together.


Posts: 3206 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Canada
Tearsoflove
♀ 8271
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, April 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm curious how much good a marriage counselor who was duped by her client is going to be to said client. She may know what he did but that doesn't mean she's going to be any less manipulated in the future. How attractive is this counselor?


"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson


Posts: 4306 | Registered: Sep 2005
Nature_Girl
♀ 32554
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, April 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm curious how much good a marriage counselor who was duped by her client is going to be to said client. She may know what he did but that doesn't mean she's going to be any less manipulated in the future. How attractive is this counselor?

This is where my mind went. He isn't going to be helped, he is going to be enabled as before,


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJgjyDFfJuU

Posts: 10153 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
tennis26
♀ 39585
Member # 39585
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, April 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes I worry about him just manipulating until he hears what he wants but she is on to him now. She is also hugely disgusted by affairs. She thinks there should be a law against people marrying their affair partners (he doesn't know she said this!).

I agree that he does need IC way way more than I do. Mainly so he can be emotionally healthier for our kids sake.

If she starts seeing him, she will not be able to see me. I think I'm fine with that.

I kind of get the vibe that she doesn't really want to counsel him!

Thanks for the great responses! Deena I'm checking my pm now!


Me BS 44, Him WS 44
Married 17 yrs 4 kids-3,6,10,15
Day 5/23/13 divorcing

Posts: 17 | Registered: Jun 2013
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ 18449
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, April 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whether he fixes himself or not is NOT your problem. He can find another counselor. I see this as more of a ploy to remove part of your support system from your access.

Posts: 11792 | Registered: Mar 2008
GreatRoleModel
♀ 36809
Member # 36809
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, April 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ditto to TIKY


BS (me)
XWS (him) NPD
DIVORCED!!!
It takes a village to deal with the village idiot!
“If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane.”
― Robert Frost

Posts: 403 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: NC
Topic Posts: 13

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