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tennis26 posted 4/19/2014 06:48 AM

I loved our MC. She was as duped by the manipulator as I was. We started MC before I found out about the affair. He was trying to convince me our marriage was so bad we should divorce, so he could get out before I found out what the real problem was. That he was a POS living a double life.

Divorce is nearly final and our MC called to let me know STBX wants to start IC with her. She wants to know whether that's ok with me since she saw me for IC once or twice and I have first dibs if I ever want to go back.

I haven't answered yet. I guess I'm glad he's finally seeking help. Part of me doesn't want to give up future IC with our MC. I think I'd need it if he brings OW into our kids lives down the road. I am seeing a different therapist now focusing on just being happy but she just knows general background.

What should I do? I think if he doesn't see our MC he may not follow through with getting help at all.

Klove posted 4/19/2014 07:40 AM

If this was happening in my life I'd let pos stbxwh have the MC. Let's face it- he probably needs way more help than you do and IC *might* help him approach parenting more responsibly? You are aware enough to seek counselling on your own- he likely won't if he has to start fresh.
He needs it...probably infinitely more than you.
Just my opinion...

nowiknow23 posted 4/19/2014 07:53 AM

Is there a reason why you both couldn't be patients of hers after the divorce? It's not like she can discuss you with each other. Would that be problematic for you? For her?

Merlin posted 4/19/2014 07:54 AM

If she wants to end the role of MC, maybe it's okay to take him on as an IC client.

She must need the money.

GreatRoleModel posted 4/19/2014 07:54 AM

If you like the IC and feel they have provided support and healing for you I would not give them up. Also if your D is not final you never know what crazy he may throw your way and you have to raise kids still together and that brings a whole set of potential future issues. Does he know you saw the IC for yourself after MC? If so then he is taking away a support you have in place for yourself. If it were me I would not as there are plenty of other IC that can help.

million pieces posted 4/19/2014 08:20 AM

I'm with this. My ex was soooo reluctant to do IC (as it was all MY fault) that I would have done anything to get him to talk to someone that I knew already figured him out. Just the few times he went really helped a lot about telling the kids and setting up his apartment, I could only dream what kind of positive influence if he had gotten input/feedback later.

If this was happening in my life I'd let pos stbxwh have the MC. Let's face it- he probably needs way more help than you do and IC *might* help him approach parenting more responsibly? You are aware enough to seek counselling on your own- he likely won't if he has to start fresh.
He needs it...probably infinitely more than you.
Just my opinion...

nekorb posted 4/19/2014 09:07 AM

I'm with klove and million on this and will probably also be giving up the MC for WH to do IC. I'm ok with it. He needs help and most likely won't do it if he has to start fresh. Also - it's someone that has the REAL background information.

I wanted my IC to work with my DD while she is home from college. She said she can't because of conflict of interest. Too much information.

deena posted 4/19/2014 09:13 AM

When I had seen an IC she had suggested that WH come in with me to see a MC, but that it could not be her. I think it comes down to protecting both clients from possibility of bias. Or even maybe the C getting accused of bias towards the one he/she is originally with.
But when we had gone to another MC before D-Day WH and I would at times see the C individually as well. He was still working on us as a couple tho.

PS
@tennis26 awhile back in one of my post you asked me to let me know how it went with telling my kids as you wanted to know for yourself. I private messaged you(pm) but I see you haven't read it. Just in case you didn't think to check your pm.

[This message edited by deena at 9:17 AM, April 19th (Saturday)]

Tearsoflove posted 4/19/2014 10:05 AM

I'm curious how much good a marriage counselor who was duped by her client is going to be to said client. She may know what he did but that doesn't mean she's going to be any less manipulated in the future. How attractive is this counselor?

Nature_Girl posted 4/19/2014 11:03 AM

I'm curious how much good a marriage counselor who was duped by her client is going to be to said client. She may know what he did but that doesn't mean she's going to be any less manipulated in the future. How attractive is this counselor?

This is where my mind went. He isn't going to be helped, he is going to be enabled as before,

tennis26 posted 4/19/2014 15:15 PM

Yes I worry about him just manipulating until he hears what he wants but she is on to him now. She is also hugely disgusted by affairs. She thinks there should be a law against people marrying their affair partners (he doesn't know she said this!).

I agree that he does need IC way way more than I do. Mainly so he can be emotionally healthier for our kids sake.

If she starts seeing him, she will not be able to see me. I think I'm fine with that.

I kind of get the vibe that she doesn't really want to counsel him!

Thanks for the great responses! Deena I'm checking my pm now!

ThoughtIKnewYa posted 4/19/2014 15:27 PM

Whether he fixes himself or not is NOT your problem. He can find another counselor. I see this as more of a ploy to remove part of your support system from your access.

GreatRoleModel posted 4/19/2014 18:21 PM

Ditto to TIKY

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