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I tried, but he will never change.

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SCGirl233 posted 4/19/2014 08:59 AM

Hello, forgive me if this is all over the place.

I'm 35, he is 31. We have been together for 5 years. May would make 3 years of marriage.

I first found out he was unfaithful before this past Christmas. I just had a strong feeling something was going on. So I looked at his text (i know i know) and I saw messages and pictures to numerous women. One women he agreed to meet. When confronted, he lied. When I told him I had proof and showed him he still tried to lie but then said he forgot about it because it meant nothing to him. ( Yea..ok. ) We have a 2 year old and I did not want to break up our family. Especially around Christmas time. So I said I would try to forgive and move past this. Well last month I noticed that he seemed to have NO money. He had to ask me for gas for his car and money for other things. I have no problem doing this because we are married and you should take care of each other. But things just weren't adding up. He was acting differently lately as well. So..I did some investigating again ( i know, i know) Well I found out that he paid a women $150 for some pictures. PICTURES!! So I was putting gas in his car and giving him money because he gave another woman money for pictures?! I feel like the ultimate fool! And very disrespected. It really hurts. I also saw other messages between him and at least 2 other women. Very inappropriate conversations. I refuse to be in a marriage like this. I feel stupid for marrying in the first place because he was a cheater in his previous relationships before we got together. But he said that marriage was different. He would never be unfaithful in a marriage. The kicker is he is "a man of God". Or so he claims to be. He gets upset because I won't go to church with him. But I refuse to sit in church and pretend with a man that posts scriptures on Facebook but is also talking to women in his private messages. I just can't. He will never be faithful. He will never be honest. I don't think he knows how to. So now I am done and want to leave. I just am not able to financially which really sucks. I don't even know where to begin with this though. There are so many things running through my head. How much will I need to be able to comfortably start over on my own? Child care for the baby won't be an issue thankfully. I am starting a new job next month that pays a lot more so I know I will be able to pay my bills. Hell, I've been having to cover his portion of some bills lately so I know I'll be ok. I just really wish I didn't have to go through all of this but leaving is for the best. I just need to know where to start. I need a plan. *sigh* Thanks for listening.

[This message edited by SCGirl233 at 9:01 AM, April 19th (Saturday)]

NeverAgain2013 posted 4/19/2014 09:26 AM

Awww SCGirl, I'm so sorry you find yourself here. Welcome to the club nobody wants to join.

I really admire your strength, I have to say that. Not everyone chooses to reconcile (I chose to leave) and there's no rule that says you have to reconcile.

The ugly truth is that where there's smoke, there's usually fire. It's probably likely that you've only seen the tip of the iceberg with him. I mean, what are the chances that the only one or two times he did something, you miraculously caught him both times? And you don't have to apologize for snooping, I'm certainly not going to call you out on it. These cheaters lie to high heaven, claiming their innocence and swearing on their own children's lives that they're as honest as the day is young. So expecting any kind of honesty out of them is pretty much an exercise in futility. How else CAN you get the real truth if you don't look at his phone or computer, etc. etc.? So no apologies. We all do what we have to do in order to protect ourselves. Period.

I'm so glad to hear you're starting a new job that will support you and your daughter. That's wonderful that you have options and you're not stuck in a situation because you have no job and kids you can't support. So that's definitely a plus.

If I were you, I'd go to a lawyer to find out exactly what you can expect in the event of a legal separation. Custody issues, child support figures, what to expect with respect to future real property settlement expectations, possible temporary alimony if you put off working for a few years to raise your daughter and now you're being forced to take lower paying jobs in your field due to being off the market (not sure if that's even valid, but just putting the suggestion out there), etc.

You might want to start looking at a separate checking account for when you do get your new job. You need to start thinking about protecting you and your daughter financially, since this guy is a complete train-wreck when it comes to having any financial sense at all. I mean honestly, what kind of a complete dolt needs to ask his wife for money so he can buy nude pictures of some woman??? And forgetting the married/cheating/sneaking thing, just a general question - who DOES that with all the free porn out there? Who is stupid enough to shell out $150 for nude pictures when any Google search will return more nude pictures than anyone can ever look at over the course of their lifetime???? THAT'S the type of blind ignorance that's going to sink you financially, so protect yourself.

Knowledge is POWER, SCGirl. Quietly find out exactly what your legal rights are and what you can reasonably expect in the event of a separation and eventual divorce. And DON'T tip your hand to him that you're going to a lawyer, either. A lot of spouses start hiding things and squirreling away valuables when they know everything is about to hit the fan. Play it very close to the vest.

Good luck to you. I'm rooting for you.

bluelady posted 4/19/2014 09:34 AM

I'm so sorry you've found yourself here. On the plus side, you've found yourself here, where you will find so many amazing resources and people who really do understand what you're feeling.

Firstly, don't feel too bad about snooping. Most of us have snooped. My motto was - If you're dead set on lying to me, I'm dead set on finding out the truth.

As far as leaving, if you're set on it, start slow. One thing at a time. Legal advice might be a good place to start. Most lawyers will give a free initial consult.

I can totally relate to how you feel. I found out about my XH's ONS and agreed to work on our marriage. Within a few months, I had found evidence of new affairs and ONS. The hardest part wasn't the cheating, to be honest. It was the fact that he watched me cry, looked me in the eye and promised to change and then didn't even bother trying. But, I survived and whatever path you choose, you will too.

lilacs40 posted 4/19/2014 09:37 AM

I agree with everything neveragain said. Don't worry about or feel bad about the snooping. After all, he probably wouldn't be honest if you came right out and asked him.

Do not tell him how you found out if you haven't already. Once he knows how he may try harder to hide it.

Don't think any of this is your fault. Nothing justifies his actions. It's all on him. If you do decide to reconcile make sure your requirements are clearly laid out and you remain strong in your consequences. It's more than likely if he knows you will waver he will not try hard enough to make this right. This I speak from experience.

Good luck and stay strong, you will get through it.

SCGirl233 posted 4/19/2014 10:14 AM

Thanks guys. I have not mentioned anything about what I recently found. After the last situation I saw that he went back and deleted all those old texts and pictures. Someone told me that if you want to divorce for infidelity you have to have proof. I printed out all of the messages before I showed them to him. If need be I will print out these new messages as well. I used to be a skip tracer so there is not much he can hide from me.

When I told showed him the last proof he said "If you go looking for something you will find it." Well I can't find it if it's not there. Right? I think that was his way of trying to make me feel guilty.

He makes horrible financial decisions. I have never combined accounts with him for this reason. I feel like I am going to have start telling him "NO" when he asks me for money because I need to start saving.

To be honest, when we split, I don't want anything from him. If he wants to help with our daughter. That's fine. If not, that is fine too. We will be ok.

I just think of all the warning signs and chances I had to leave before we got married. It makes me want to kick myself. Like how could I be so stupid!

It's going to be really hard pretending everything is ok while I'm preparing myself to move on. I find myself snapping at him and just being really short most of the time. I can't help it. I don't want to talk to him, let alone have sex with him. And that's a whole other issue. This really sucks. I am just going to try to look to the future and think of how happy I will be once my daughter and I are on our own.

Thanks again you guys.

norabird posted 4/19/2014 10:49 AM

Please don't kick yourself too hard for marrying this guy. I'm sure you loved him, and that truly does blind us. You are also clearly a warm, smart, upstanding woman. When you have integrity yourself, I think you assume the ones you trust have it too. It is hard to imagine behaving as badly as the people we trust then go on to do. That does not mean you are gullible--it means you have wonderful traits and project them onto the world. Of course, many of us did make missteps in choosing our partners; but don't look at those as a sign that you're an idiot, look at them as a learning experience, and take some important lessons from it with you into the future. The awful experience you're going through now will eventually be a tool for your growth. So forgive yourself for ignoring the warning signs, and just focus on acting on them now to change course. Beating ourselves up is a waste of energy much better spent on setting up new and happier lives for ourselves.

nomistakeaboutit posted 4/19/2014 15:23 PM

Step one is to see a divorce attorney. Go in with your priorities in hand. In other words, specific that priority 1 is keeping the most custody possible. Priority 2 is getting it done quickly, because you're done and having him around is draining to you. Priority 3 is getting a fair financial settlement and child support. This will help your attorney prepare a strategy to help you get what YOU want. Much will depend on the State you live in. Become knowledgeable about the laws and process now.

Also, don't worry about waiting until you have a lot of money accumulated and stashed away. You'll never have enough. Once you're free of him, you'll be amazed at how much extra money you have, since he won't be siphoning and misspending YOUR money.

Also, maybe you can buy a couple of weeks of relative peace. Let him know that you need some space, limited talking, no talking about what you discovered, etc. That will buy you some extra emotional energy to start actively planning.

Trust your instincts on this. He has proven himself to you. Continue to be honest with yourself about everything. You seem to have a good grip on it right now. Good luck. Keep posting with any questions or confusion you might have.

You sound strong. That's good. You're going to need that for yourself and your child. Continued strength to you.

Afwife4201 posted 4/19/2014 15:35 PM

I think many of us have snooped. Don't feel bad. I agree with the others, go and find an attorney who can tell you what you're entitled to and what you can expect.

I know how it feels to be repeatedly cheated on. You're lucky enough to have a job to plan a way out. I have been a SAHM for most of my marriage and don't have that luxury....yet. Some people are just never satisfied!

Uhtred posted 4/19/2014 15:58 PM

I'm sorry that you are having to through this. Your husband sounds like a selfish self righteous ass. I really can't stand people who live like hell six days a week and want to go to church on Sunday and make out like they are a saint.

It sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do. It's possible that you pulling away and filing for divorce might pull his head out of his behind. Perhaps you should expose him so he gets to feel the repercussions of the affair?

SCGirl233 posted 5/7/2014 13:35 PM

I guess this is an update but I really just need to get all of this off my chest somewhere.

We had it out on Monday and I left. We are staying with my mom until I get a place. I am miserable right now. Like, I feel like crying but I'm trying to be strong. I am grateful to my mom for letting me stay but living with my parents as an adult is not cool! lol I mean they don't really bother me but my mom is so nosey. I really don't like telling family of my personal problems. I'm a private person. Also, I don't want her to treat him differently when he comes to pick the baby up. I know I'm her daughter but he did nothing to her. Also, my aunt lives close so she is over here all the time with my nephew. There is always something going on in the house. I miss having a house almost to myself. I miss having privacy and some quiet time. I know this probably sounds petty but it's how I'm feeling right now and I just need to get this out somewhere.

While I was packing he was really angry. He said a lot of hurtful things. I understand that he was angry tho. But later the next day he texted me and said he wanted me to come back and he didn't want it to end this way. He wants to go to counseling. But I'm like, why would you want to be with me? He said I treated him like a boyfriend and not a husband. At times he had to wonder if I loved him. He said he sometimes thought I was having an affair. He also said that we are not equally yoked. Like, why would you want to be with someone like that?

I'm trying to stick to my guns because I know once I get my own place I'll be much happier but it is so hard right now. It would be much easier to just go back. But I wouldn't be happy. I deserve to be happy. I just have to get through this.

norabird posted 5/7/2014 14:45 PM

He is hoovering you. It's classic wayward behavior. But it's all words. Is he showing actions? That is what you need to even THINK about R.

Go NC with him, and remember the hurtful things he said. Make a list of every bad trait and hurtful thing he has done to keep you focused on your goal. Yes, it's easier now to go back to what you now...but later you'll really be kicking yourself.

It is hard, but you can get through this. Stay strong. Demand what you deserve and don't settle for less. A truly remorseful spouse will still do the work and be there no matter if you jump when he asks you back or not.

1devastedmom posted 5/7/2014 15:00 PM

I agree with the above poster, he is trying to suck you back in. I also don't believe for one second that he paid some woman $150 for pictures unless he's a complete moron. I would bet the farm that he paid for a hooker. That's about average for a hooker. It would explain why he's always broke. Get his phone records and google every single number he's called and texted for as far back as it goes. My husband was a deacon at our church and I found out that he'd been using hookers for 15 years.

betrayedpregnant posted 5/7/2014 16:24 PM

so he is a hypocrite. so sorry you just found out.

talk to an attorney.
talk to your family and friends. I never knew until now how much other people are willing to help. Visit this site often for advice and sympathy. Fellow members have been a source of sympathy, encouragement, and advice for me.

SCGirl233 posted 5/9/2014 20:04 PM

Thanks for the support and advice you guys.

Devastated mom, it was pictures, no hookers. I saw the messages. She needed to borrow money and gave pics in exchange.

We talked yesterday and he admitted to everything. But only after I told him that I knew everything. He took responsibility for it all and apologized more times than I could count. I don't know why but I feel like I may have been kinda mean. He was crying and I told him that those tears did not move me one bit because I cried many tears behind this. I told him that while I did have love for him, I was not in love with him. I also told him that I was relieved when he went to work or the gym. I wasn't saying this to be hurtful but I needed to be completely honest. I also spoke to him about the financial issues. He said he was willing to give his paycheck to me and have me pay the bills.

Last night in bed I prayed and prayed for him. I prayed that God would give him the strength to let me go. I prayed that God would comfort him and give him the clarity to see that separating is for the best. This morning he told me we needed to talk. He said he was up all night thinking and decided that if it would make me happy he would just let me go. He said that he loved me enough to let me go.

This is so hard. I have never seen a man break down/cry the way he did. I have to tell myself that I did not do this. I just felt so guilty leaving him there like that. He said he missed kissing me goodbye before he went to work in the morning. And he missed hearing the baby run down the hall to greet him soon as he put his keys in the door. This made me feel so guilty. But again, I did not do this.

He said he would do whatever it takes to be the husband I deserve.

But how can a marriage work if one partner is not in love and doesn't trust the other? How is that possible?

There are also other things I don't want to deal with. They may be minor but still. I DO NOT want to deal with his family. Like ever. But I know in laws come with the spouse. I do not ever want to attend the church he attends. He says that is fine. He just wants me to go to a church. I think that will become an issue in the future though.
He even said that he was willing to move from his hometown. I don't complain about living there but he knows that I don't want to live there forever.

This just really sucks.

Thanks for letting me vent here.

Branca posted 5/9/2014 20:24 PM

Awww. You're doing so well. Don't give in to his dramatics. Vent here as much as you need to, and stay strong.

hummingbird8 posted 5/10/2014 01:59 AM

In most states if you choose to go back after knowing of the affair, you then cannot file adultery for divorce. Just something to think about.

I wouldn't believe any of what he says. I would believe 100% of what he is currently doing.

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