Hey,
Thanks for all of the replies. I really appreciate everyone's comments and thoughts. The first time he had an affair, more than 10 years ago was a little different as the affair was over when I found out and had been for a while, so it was awful, but a bit different as the fog had already ended. Since yesterday, he has agreed to me having control or viewing his use at all times of his phone, computer, etc., and he has agreed never to use them without me there, whether that's a good idea or not. I have just been carting them around like an idiot, and I drive him everywhere for the moment. On the computer and phone, he gets frequent FaceTime and texts from the OW, and I have blocked her and changed the FaceTime account so that hopefully these messages stop showing up. I know that he can get a different phone, change info, etc., so this is not a long-term solution of course. I know also that she keeps creating new email accounts to stay in touch with him, but I guess I'd like a few days or weeks where contact is stopped so that he and I can both think for a second.
As several people have said, I agree that he does want to have us both, and he is completely unable to control himself and me as mommy/cop is untenable. However, I guess I sort of wanted to try it anyway briefly for several reasons of varying validity. Part of is is that my son's school year ends at the end of May, and he's freaking out already because of this. I'd rather do all the massive changes in the summer when we could go stay with friends/family for an extended length of time. For financial reasons, we or my husband would have a hard time immediately getting another place. He had to spend the night in the car when I kicked him out and was looking at housesitting possibilities, but my son was really bothered by his dad spending the night in a car. By the way, my husband has stopped being pissy to me about being controlled/transparent in his actions and has actually agreed to the whole thing of my holding his phone, only using the computer where I can see, etc., seemingly happily. He also seems a bit less in the fog as he has started to reconnect with our son, who he had been blowing off and snapping at during the affair.
At the moment, the OW is out of the country for another five days or so. She's been gone for the last two weeks too. She's not a citizen here and doesn't have a green card, etc., so she can't stay in the country for extended periods legally. In any case, they can currently only have contact by phone/text. I have a full record of all of their previous text conversations, so I'm not in the dark about all of their collusion to fool me, etc.
We have family coming to visit in a few weeks, which just feels like a nightmare now, but they've already bought plane tickets and we are supposed to meet them for a family vacation before hosting them at our home. I guess I want to decide by the time of their visit whether to allow my husband to be in our home or to join us on this trip. I wouldn't want him there now, and yet the idea of him moving out to be with her makes me sick too. I guess I need time to process the whole thing. I think completely contradictory things throughout the day.
Part of me thinks that after this trip, I would move out and visit with friends in another state for a few weeks before going to stay with my brother for a few weeks, also in another state. I've been a stay-at-home mom, so I also need to figure out job prospects as no matter how much child support he might pay, it would be impossible for us to continue living where we are and having the same life. I want some breathing space to figure that out.
So I just read the 180 thing. I have started to do much of that in the last two days, although the control of computer/phone I guess wouldn't be part of that. I also already did some of the desperate stuff in the first couple days, but I have stopped that and kind of let him go in my mind I suppose. I have told him that it's great if he wants to be with the OW, but that he can't string me along about it. He needed to decide as of last night whether he wants to try to salvage our relationship or move on with her. He says he wants to salvage ours, and right now, I feel like I need to be have full transparency with the phone/computer/car, etc. to believe that he means that. Is that a bad idea? I just feel like I have so little trust in him that I don't know how to move forward without being able to truly know that he isn't contacting her. How do you re-establish trust when someone has proved so untrustworthy without having full access to his communications?
Also, in case of divorce, I have also told him that I am already excited about reconnecting with people who I had good friendships with and who are possible dating prospects, such as a friend from college who recently divorced. I also talked to him about spending time with some other divorced friends who it's harder to hang out with as a couple and who can advise me about life after divorce and help me start over. I've also become a bit distant and disconnected from him, and that seems to inspire him to try to reconnect and make concessions. I am not sure that I want to connect with him though. It's all very confusing as I had a completely different idea of what my life would be in the future, and I'm having to re-envision it either with him ( a person who I might never trust) or separate from him. It's hard to imagine either existence at this point, but the life without him is more appealing right now, although it also has lots of challenges that I'm mentally and emotionally not feeling ready for yet. I wish I could pause the world for a minute and just have some time to be without having to make any decisions.