Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

Another weekend pity party

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

MadeOfScars posted 4/19/2014 14:31 PM

I'm really growing to hate weekends. They seem to be nothing but reminders of what once was.

I hung out with my 2 best friends last night...and their wives. I love them to death, don't get me wrong. I also genuinely like their wives, no issue there. It's just that for so long, instead of 5, it was 6. There's an obvious hole in all of our lives. Add to this, one of those friends is about to move ~900 miles away due to work. It just seems everywhere I turn, I lose someone else.

There were mutual friends, her very large family, all those people I thought would be there forever, or at very least not gone so soon. Weekend were rarely without something to do or someone to see. Now it just seems I am so very alone. I know, I should get out there and make new friends, meet new people. Right now, even if I could muster the energy, I can't trust many relationships to actually last. It's just opening myself up to new people who can then just walk away at the drop of a hat. It makes me really wonder if something is wrong with me that I can build relationships that I feel are true and lasting, yet the other party obviously doesn't see it the same way.

Sorry for the vent and pity party. Just feeling pretty low right now.

[This message edited by MadeOfScars at 2:31 PM, April 19th (Saturday)]

HurtsButImOK posted 4/19/2014 14:42 PM

Sorry you are going through this. I too am busy weekdays, less so on weekends. Weekends end up being a mourning time, which I am bored with. Necessary at the start for me, now not so much.

I try and look at long distance friends as an opportunity to explore a new place. Yes it hurts they are further afield but create a whole new experience when you are ready.

Ashland13 posted 4/19/2014 19:54 PM

This is something I face too and label it "fear of abandonment". If I label a fear or worry or other things, I can research it and then try to control it.

I find myself hiding behind my kids but trying not to...and saying that at least I recognize it.

As well, I have lost almost everyone that I know or have to compromise myself in some way to hang on-at what price to keep someone so that's how I sort of measure-possible pain vs further loss.

Il's were a rather large family here as well and live very close by. It feels now like an octopus that won't go away and as I work through emotions I cannot shake them off. Shame because they knew of the affair and stuff but did not tell me and shame that they welcome ow to their homes and want me to share the space.

Sorry for wandering thoughts. Just wanted to show some empathy.

Something I'm trying, FWIW, is to sort of veer away from married people situations and place myself more in public things, like a concert of any kind, a class or something, where the socializing is in a group or something and doesn't get personal. Then it's being around people but in a controlled environment with nothing deep.

And yes, the idea below with away friends being opportunities helps I think, too, to get us out of our "boxes".

So hard to trust anybody again and then I think at times, am I letting him win, in some way, if I never trust again?

Williesmom posted 4/19/2014 20:06 PM

When I first went through my D, I said "exhaustion is my friend".

I kept busy all the time. My house was clean, I worked a lot, I went to the gym.

Now, I go out by myself. Sometimes, I go out with my girlfriends and their spouses. Its not weird any more- we all got used to it. I also have a single male BFF that is a totally platonic relationship.

You'll find yourself- it just takes time.

norabird posted 4/19/2014 23:04 PM

I'm sorry weekends are so difficult.

With time, I know you know that it will come to feel normal to be somewhere on your own, without her.

Absolutely nothing is wrong with you, either. You're just a bit down right now. Friends do move away--does it mean they don't love us? No! Just that change is a part of life. They remain our friends across the new distance.

Right now, change and loss feel so scary and real to you. That's normal. But really, change is okay. It will happen. It doesn't mean those around you who leave invalidate your worth. They can't--that worth is yours to keep. It's inherent.

If you're too worn out and dejected to reach out in new ways now, I suspect it's temporary; and I'm excited for the time when your life fills up again. Have faith that it will happen.

myowndystopia posted 4/19/2014 23:13 PM

Same here- my weekends are usually hauling around DD15 and friends---- but I'm trying to do more things for me. I've reconnected with some of my single friends and we sometimes do dinner. I've joined a couple of groups on (none related to dating----not there yet) and I've only joined haven't gone yet!!! I've learned to go to movies by myself and found I actually like that!!!! Just try to stay a little busy on weekends!

MadeOfScars posted 4/19/2014 23:34 PM

Thanks everybody. This just seems another way the betrayed suffer. Just feeling lower today than I have in a while. Then I remember - it's been 3 months since d-day. Thats it. I so very much hope it'll get better with time.

I do try to stay busy and I'm generally successful. But like anyone, I get tired and just want to relax, and in comes the paradox in that I can't relax. Relaxation = frustration and depression. At the same time, i can't help but think I need to feel this, feel everything. I just need to let it hit me full force. At some point though, the mourning needs to stop and the living needs to begin.

Thanks for listening. At least here, I know I'm not alone.

Dawn58 posted 4/20/2014 09:43 AM

I hated when Friday nights would roll around, meant I had to deal with the weekend. Before, my weekends were full of social obligations because of the STBX's work. It was the time of the week that we spent together.

First, I started to go back to the spiritual place I had before the and that felt really good to me. Then, I contacted one of my classmates and we started to do homework together on either Saturday or Sunday. That helped me tremendously, I could focus in on my school work and not on him. I live close to the beach, so I'd walk down to the beach, lie on the warm sand, listen to the radio and relax for a little bit. I'd go to movie matinees. Like you, my ability to trust was broken, so I found things I could do on my own. I started to do things that made me feel better. It took some time. There were still very painful and difficult times but I started to have some moments of peace.

You are not alone in the way you feel, so hard to trust when that trust was so broken and betrayed. This is your time to heal and for me, a time to feel like I was whole again. It will get better.

justjim posted 4/20/2014 10:14 AM

I could have written your post. There is nothing like being in a room full of people and being completely, totally alone.

For me, it's starting to get a little better. Those first couple of months were rough, though.

Hang in there!

SBB posted 4/20/2014 10:34 AM

Please don't expect too much of yourself so soon. You are going to feel this way for some time. At least until you get into your 'new normal'.

I remember feeling mocked by the spare seat at the dinner table. I would subconsciously put bags and stuff on it so as to not feel the gap. I hate clutter so it would stick out and irritate me further. The irony is we rarely ate together and never at a 4 seated table. Yet it felt like a hole as you describe.

I recommend you read "Journey from Abandonment to Healing" - it helped me recognise that some of my extreme reaction here was that this all brought up very very old issues of abandonment within me.

It is normal to feel out of balance in the early days. This is a big and terrible thing that has happened and your world has been turned upside down. It can and will become a better world - you've just got to get through these rough parts first.

Honour your feelings but remember they are not made of stone. You won't always feel this way.

I'm only 2 years out and I find it hard to remember most of those early days. I was in such a blur for a lot of it. Like my body/mind shut down as a survival method.

I find it hard to remember ever having him in my life save for the constriction in my breath and the attendant anxiety of living amongst eggshells for so long.

What works for me when I feel those feelings of abandonment arise (which happen whenever I'm going through something difficult) is stopping, taking a big deep breath and planting myself in the 'now'. Not regret for the past or fear of the future. Like a meditation. It helps me acknowledge what I'm feeling without being consumed by it.

I would have been unable to do this in those first 9 or so months. My brain was fried from shock, grief and disbelief.

One day I realised my life was still going and I could choose to participate or I could choose to allow that thief to steal another few years from me.

I chose to participate. I started doing things that made me happy. I surrounded myself with people who made me happy. The happiness seeped in unexpectedly - I was smiling again, I was laughing again, I was me again.

I still get the sads sometimes but it is the time wasted I'm sad about. Pre and post DD. I won't waste another moment. It's OK to feel sad. It's not OK to think you will always feel this way or that it will always hurt this much.

The ache deadens. Life goes on at a cracking pace. It's up to you how much you want to participate in it and help shape it. Nobody else but you.

MadeOfScars posted 4/20/2014 12:34 PM

Thanks for the continued insights and advice. It's still a rough weekend and I just wish I could crawl in a hole or something. Today is Easter. Each Easter for the last 11 years, the stbxww and I would be at the house of one of her aunts. We'd always have an Easter egg hunt for all the nieces and nephews. Well, they were my nieces and nephews, but only by marriage. These kids who adored me and whom I've known since they came into the world - all gone from my life. All the family members, extended family, brother-in-laws, etc - all gone. All because my "wife" decided to whore herself out and stab me in the back. She, like her family, have shown me it was never my life, only I got to borrow it. I bet the house on her and lost big time. I am still realizing just how much I lost.

So yeah, I'm sad, I cannot trust anyone, and I feel pretty damn worthless. More than all of that though, I'm just angry. So very angry. I just don't understand how people can do this to other people. How do you so brutally wound those who gave you their undying love and trust? How do you ruin a life like that and not seem to feel any true regret or, well, anything? How can someone be so incredibly selfish? How does someone who does this then have the gall to actually put some blame on the betrayed? How does that same person still hint that we can be friends or dare to ask how I'm doing in order to justify her actions as somehow a gift to me? I'm left trying to put a life back together that was all but destroyed, and why? Because I trusted and loved her. That was my crime.

Sorry to keep venting. You all make some great points here and I'm sure I'll go back later, re-read this post, and be able to build some strength out of it. Today, I will continue to wallow and mourn. Tomorrow is another day.

norabird posted 4/20/2014 14:26 PM


I'm sorry it hurts so very much. It's okay to wallow. A holiday with so many memories--you are human, and loving, how could you avoid having the first Easter bring you such intense feelings? It's good to allow yourself to feel it. And once it's over, that's another first done with. Another new knowledge of your strength. Another step into your new life. Just know that today, when you are down, you are not alone. We are holding you in our thoughts.

MadeOfScars posted 4/20/2014 18:28 PM

Thanks again norabird. You, like many other here, are an inspiration.

phmh posted 4/20/2014 18:48 PM

Please don't be so hard on yourself. You are so new to this and I promise that it does get better.

SBB wrote an excellent post, as always. Just like her, I can hardly remember how bad those first few months were because I'm in such a great place now. I know that's not a lot of comfort to you right now as you're going through the worst parts of this, but keep telling yourself that it does get better.

I'll recommend another book that really helped me -- "Getting Past Your Breakup."

In the future, when you've healed more, you will craft a fabulous new life for yourself and be happy beyond imagining. I know this is in store for you, but pity parties were part of my healing process as well. I wish there was a way to fast forward through the pain, but you've got to work it out in order to heal.

FaithFool posted 4/20/2014 20:01 PM

Please don't expect too much of yourself so soon.

At three months I was a blubbering mess. It was another year before I'd even consider socializing, and then it was gradual.

It takes time and it sucks, but it is what it is.

Know that you won't feel this way forever. Take it easy, baby steps, and eventually you'll ease back into a life where you remember who you were before you met the person you're missing.

I was just coming home from a walk, Day 3 of a four-day long weekend, and remembering how I used to dread weekends, especially holidays. Now it's bliss to just lie around or be active and do what I want, when I want.

You will get there too.


[This message edited by FaithFool at 8:02 PM, April 20th (Sunday)]

Caretaker1 posted 4/20/2014 20:55 PM

Very helpful thread.

Lackingcourage posted 4/21/2014 21:37 PM

I hope this isn't a T/J, but I saw the title and had to read/reply because I was having the same kind of weekend, especially since it was a holiday which our family used to celebrate in a big way. I also find weekends so hard, with so much emptiness to look forward to. I try to make plans with friends, but it doesn't always work out. I don't always enjoy going to big group events alone, because I often feel even more alone than normal since there seem to be SO many happy couples there (though, believe me, I know looks can be deceiving). Then I realize-- weekends weren't so great while we were still living together once my DD18 left for her year abroad. In fact, they were worse. I had to figure out how to spend 48 hours with someone who had betrayed me in the deepest way possible, yet acted as though everything was ok, and I was just unreasonable to be upset. It is so encouraging to hear everyone say that this will pass, that what I'm experiencing is normal. I keep thinking that something is wrong with me that I'm all mopey, but we haven't been separated that long, and we haven't even filed for D yet. It was just so hard to go from intact family to alone and single practically over night (I asked him to move out a couple of months after DD18 left). I have never lived alone before.... Thanks for allowing me to benefit from the courage given to someone else. Thanks, MoS, for posting the question, hugs to you and good luck on your journey.

MadeOfScars posted 4/22/2014 15:56 PM


Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 ®. All Rights Reserved.