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Desirelily posted 4/19/2014 14:50 PM

This is so new and recent for me, only a week since D day, but I keep feeling like I put in so much work and effort in with this guy, for 7 1/2 years, and I have seen improvements and that keeps me feeling like there's hope. I'm scared that the next women will get to reap the benefits of all that progress that he's made. I feel stupid saying that and I know it's cliche. This guy just knows how to say the right thing at the right time to keep me hooked, but he won't say sorry or admit guilt which is what I really want.

Is this feeling of missing out on a better him normal and will that go away with time?

misskirby posted 4/19/2014 15:25 PM

I think I know what you mean. When I had jfo, one of my overriding thoughts was, do I really want to think about someone else having our good times? Yes, there was obviously a lot of pain, sadness, and anger, but I also remembered all the good memories and times we've had, and thinking about someone else having those instead in the future was hard.

That being said, if he's not admitting things or sincerely apologetic and remorseful for his behavior, all the niceness in the world isn't going to change him. The sad thing is, you can hope and do everything you can, but until he wants to change, it's not going to do much good.

I'm so sorry you find yourself here. I do think your feelings are normal.

4everfaithful83 posted 4/19/2014 15:36 PM

Sorry you're here Desirelily, but glad you found us.


but he won't say sorry or admit guilt which is what I really want

Do you mean he wont admit guilt to his A?


I'm scared that the next women will get to reap the benefits of all that progress that he's made. should be worried that YOU MIGHT BE MISSING OUT ON SOMEONE WHO REALLY APPRECIATES AND LOVES YOU.

If he isn't doing the hard work, all the NEXT woman will be getting is a broken person who will repeat past behaviors (cheating).

Make sure he is doing what you need to recover. Do you have full transparency? All his passwords to email/cellphone/social networking? Has he written a NC (no contact) letter to the OW? And if he did, Do you have proof that he did? Is he doing the hard work on himself to find out why he did this?

I would read the 180 and follow it. The power is in your hands now.

Desirelily posted 4/19/2014 16:57 PM

No, he will not admit he is having an affair even when our car was at her house at 1am and Viagra in his over night bag. He maintains that they are just friends. He says that he is stressed out about work right now. He loves me but he's not in love with me because he doesn't even love himself right now so how could he possibly love anyone else.

I want to be in control and strong but I can't help the thoughts that run through my head about what are life was going to be. I know that this too shall pass but this early phase is so hard. He was my best friend and the person I had the most fun with so to lose that person feels impossible.

simplydevastated posted 4/19/2014 20:25 PM

Not admitting to the affair = no remorse. I know you know this.

Do you have access to any of his devices or accounts? Without any of this he will continue to lie to you and continue the affair. What he is doing right now is cake-eating. He has you and his OW at the same time.

I'm scared that the next women will get to reap the benefits of all that progress that he's made

I don't want to sound harsh, but what progress is that? He's lying and cheating.

All you're doing is clinging to a past that he has singlehandedly destroyed. What you're missing out on is life. You're missing out on happiness. Whether that's with someone else or on your own. That's for you to decide. You're doing yourself an injustice by letting him walk all over you.

If you want to reconcile with him then he needs to come clean and admit to everything and show you 100% transparency. Otherwise you're fighting an up hill battle.

Sending you strength and (((hugs))) to get through this.

[This message edited by simplydevastated at 8:26 PM, April 19th (Saturday)]

jjct posted 4/19/2014 21:07 PM

I want to be in control and strong but I can't help the thoughts that run through my head

Yes you can. You can. These are your thoughts. You control them.

You control you.
Turn your thoughts inward to yourself - change them, direct them toward you, and what you deserve.

The moment, the very moment your thought becomes about other - about him - is the very same moment it is not about you, and it is the very same moment you should turn you thoughts toward you, and what you deserve. Practice it. Turn towards you. It gets easier each time.

With some distance, you will see.
Create distance.
Think about only you - and don't listen one second to his ilybinilwy spewing bullshit.

Shake that hook. He is no prize.
True love is not a competition, it's a commitment.
Leave the field sister.

Desirelily posted 4/19/2014 21:18 PM

Simplydevestated you are right. I'm holding onto nothing. The idea of our relationship and the wedding we were planning and the embarrassment of having to tell everyone is what I'm holding on to. Not this wonderful guy that loves me, respects me, and this beautiful relationship full of trust because that is not at all what I have.

Last Saturday when I had him get a u-haul and move out I was of course crying because the entire situation was so overwhelming he kept looking at me and saying he was going to be back and that he wants to make better decisions and needs counseling, all BS. He told me to text him every night that it isn't getting better and he will do the same and until one of us text the other it's getting better then we know there is still hope. He does everything in his power to try to leave the door open just enough for him to slip back in. He never wants to deal with anything and never will, denial is his way of life.

I refuse to be his maid, secretary, caregiver, shoulder to cry on, confidant, financial backer, lover, and best friend. I deserve more and I deserve to get back what I put into a relationship, for once.

jjct posted 4/19/2014 21:29 PM

Boom! A quick success story in jfo.

I refuse to be his maid, secretary, caregiver, shoulder to cry on, confidant, financial backer, lover, and best friend.

And yes, refuse to be his texter kibbles too because

I deserve more

You got this lily.

Desirelily posted 4/19/2014 21:42 PM

Jjct I appreciate your strong words. It's nice to hear a man actual recognize what a relationship should and could be. When you mentioned competition earlier that really struck a cord with me because we were very competitive and found fun in competing against each other but you are right. There is no metal or prize in a relationship, the prize is the other person and the love, support, trust, and respect they bring to your life and you to theirs. He is no prize.

I just told the therapist this week that he is never proud of me even when everyone else around me is. He never talks to anyone about me, like he is embarrassed of me or just looking for something better.

I'm getting it now and it really helps to hear what I'm going through and what I'm feeling is normal. Relate-ability is an awesome medicine.

[This message edited by Desirelily at 9:45 PM, April 19th (Saturday)]

norabird posted 4/19/2014 21:42 PM


The feeling of being afraid of missing out on his possible 'improved self' is very normal and common. That doesn't mean it is a reasonable fear though.

Part if it is about the sunk cost of your seven 1/2 years together. You don't want it to be for nothing, so you try to make the investment of time 'pay out'. Unfortunately bad investments don't get better with more time--they just lessen your opportunities to experience something better.

This guy is no longer who you were in love with at first, and yet you keep hoping you can get that earlier happiness back. You're in love with his potential, with who he might be...if he were different. But despite talking about being different, he doesn't follow through.

If he really wants to be with you, he can put in the work to prove he's safe while you are separated. But a guy like this and the work of self-improvement do not go well together.

Try not to let your hopes of what might be obscure what is. It's hard, but those dreams are just that--fantasy. They have the power to keep you stuck in place and not much else. I recommend doing some reading on to try and dig more into why you hold onto less than you deserve. And going NC will give you clarity too.

Breaking the ties when you love someone is very hard. But you have to love yourself more.

Desirelily posted 4/19/2014 21:59 PM

Norabird that was beautifully put. I am stuck on the time, energy, love, money, and effort I have put into this relationship. Like anything in life you invest in its hard to cut your loses but it's time to do so.

You hit the nail on the head about his potential, I was blinded by his potential. The man that I thought he was or could be was not the man he actually is. I made a list of things I loved about him and things that I hated and I noticed something. Everything I loved about him benefited him in one way or another. Everything I hated about him were things that any normal man in a relationship should be doing or thinking about their significant other. So basically anything that would only benefit me was not getting done or being worked on. Bottom line he is extremely selfish and always has an easy out to protect himself and look out for himself first and foremost and why would I want to be with someone like like.

NeverAgain2013 posted 4/20/2014 05:45 AM

What I need help with is where to start??? My whole life has been him from me cooking him dinner and rubbing his feet every night to me getting up at 4am to put his jeans in the dryer so he has warm unwrinkled pants to put on when he gets out of the shower. I have a great career, no kids, and a heart of gold. I feel like I'm the only one hurting.

This quote is from your first post in another thread.

So you're worried that another woman will be able to bask in the glory of being his servant? Because that's what it sounds like you were to him.

He may have been driven and ambitious, but from your first thread here, it sounds as though after his 18 hour workdays he nothing left to give YOU. So you were working full time and constantly catering to him and doing everything else in the home that needed to be done all so he could achieve his 18 hour days. And giving precious little back to you.

Yet, he managed to find the time to email some woman every chance he got.

He's selfish, arrogant, obnoxious and self-serving.

So honestly Desirelily, what 'benefits' is some other woman going to reap that you'll miss out on? Getting up at 4 am every morning to put Mr. Wonderful's jeans in the dryer because he can't stand wrinkles in his pants? Rubbing his feet every night because he chooses to work 18 hour days?

Who rubbed YOUR feet after YOU worked a full day at work, went food shopping afterwards and dragged everything home and put it away, did your housecleaning, threw in a load of laundry, and cooked dinner and served it to him at 10pm?

Who gave a flip about how much effort YOU were constantly putting forth?

It honestly sounds like a give and take relationship - you constantly did the giving and he constantly did the taking.

If that's what the next woman is going to 'reap' when she lands this cheater, then I actually feel sorry for her.

simplydevastated posted 4/20/2014 06:06 AM

I refuse to be his maid, secretary, caregiver, shoulder to cry on, confidant, financial backer, lover, and best friend. I deserve more and I deserve to get back what I put into a relationship, for once.

These are the words of a strong woman! You nailed it, sweetie!

Print your words out and carry them with you. Every time you feel like taking him back pull them out and read them.

You will survive this. You are strong!

Desirelily posted 4/20/2014 13:36 PM

I am trying to be strong everyday and take things one day at a time. I get so mad at myself for still even having love for this guy. Unlike him I'm not a robot, I don't have a switch that can shut down that part of my head and heart.

He stopped by yesterday to grab his mail and an air mattress because he got the keys to his new high rise apartment that he can't stop smiling about. I take care of my dad and have for the last 14 years due to a massive stroke that he had. My dad is the gentlest, kindest soul you'll ever meet. In the 7 1/2 years has never commented one word on our relationship and how this guy has treated his daughter. My little dad stood close to the door and said, "why propose man? Why get her hopes up just to take it all away." My fiancée said, "it's how I felt at the time," looking down at the ground, never making eye contact. My dad then said, "what's your problem, why are messing around with other chicks?" Again no eye contact, he says "I have nothing to say."

It broke my heart, I said to him how dare you not answer my dad and not even have the respect to look him in the face. I said he's still a man, disabled or not, he deserves respect and he has been nothing but nice to you. This whole situation just devastated me. I couldn't catch my breath, I couldn't stop crying. I don't understand how someone could be that way and act so heartless.

Furious1 posted 4/20/2014 14:36 PM

You sound so much like I did. Right after D-day, I too worried that someone else would benefit from all the hard work I put in only for WH to become a better person with someone else.

It took me quite a few months before I realized that WH would not become a better person with someone else. First off, I knew what he was really like. A new flame would be just like I had been in the beginning. They would want to believe he was a good man.

Hard moment of truth. If he could not be a better man with me (a person who was giving him all of the tools to be a better man and leading the way by example), would he really be a better man with someone new who didn't realize the depth of his problems? NO. He would just play the same old game on fresh meat. Regardless of who he was with, he would just continue to repeat his previous behavior. (Old dog, new tricks?) He would just keep creating the same misery with each person he was with.

Wanting what he could be (not what he is) will only increase with time. You see the good in him and you see his potential. I did too for YEARS.

I can't tell you to give up or keep going. That is a decision that only you have the right to make. I waited for 18 years for WH to step up and bring his A game with me before I got fed up. I can't tell you how many times my heart wanted to stop beating for the pain he was putting me through with his selfishness.

Cut yourself some slack. You are only one week out. You're still picking yourself up off of the floor after a sucker punch like that.

Please read the Healing Library. Please keep in mind that you deserve all of the happiness that EVERY HUMAN BEING deserves.

We are here for you through all of the twists and turns. Keep reading and keep posting.

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