Honor - to me, it's a sense of pride, of knowing you have value, and integrity, and stand for what is right. It's a way of living that says 'I do things the right way, and expect the same from others.'
Did I feel I lost honor from the affair? Of course. Someone else was chosen. Chosen to receive attention, loving thoughts, romantic gestures. It's hard to feel that you're worth something when the person you love, that is supposed to be better to you than all others, chooses to focus on another person.
Did I lose honor by deciding to reconcile? Yes again. If I had value, I wouldn't still love someone that hurt me so deeply. I was too weak to just get up and walk out. I hated myself for being that weak (or what I perceived as weakness). Strong people, people that had self worth, left cheaters. They knew they deserved more. Why was I staying with someone that could betray me like that?
I'm sorry - I have a feeling you didn't want those answers. The blow to the self esteem from betrayal is something there are no words for. The best way I can describe it is soul crushing. It's horrible. To want to stay with someone that made you feel like that? Someone that preferred another, and forgot that you even mattered at all? That's rough.
The way out, in my opinion, is acceptance. I realized I wasn't the reason for the affair - my H's issues were. Nothing I did or didn't do caused his breakdown. He was the weak one to turn to another, not me. It still hurt, greatly, but it wasn't because of me.
As for staying, I had to accept that I was staying because I wanted him in my life, not because I couldn't leave. I loved him. I believed he was truly sorry. He had ended the A months before I discovered it, so I knew he didn't want to be with OW. That helped me, a lot. But the real help was working through the fact that I wanted to remain married. I was there because I wanted to be there, not because I was weak or couldn't do better, or didn't deserve better. I did deserve better - and since DDay, he's been better.
Has he been perfect? No, but neither have I. He has been MUCH better than before DDay. Not just how he was during the A, but for years. He was and is much, much more affectionate, genuine, and loving. He is more 'present' in our marriage if that makes sense. If he wasn't, I wouldn't be here.
This is my story. I don't have any idea if this is how your BH feels. Has he said anything other than that he feels he needs to 'regain his honor'?
EDIT: LOL, I wrote "Has he been better? No". I meant, has he been perfect, no.
He has been better, most definitely
[This message edited by painfulpast at 3:28 PM, April 19th (Saturday)]