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Emmadean posted 4/19/2014 16:33 PM

I'm 6 days out from Dday. WH had a one night stand with a total stranger while drunk and on drugs (he rarely drinks and hasn't done drugs like this since his early 20's so this is not typical). Due to guilt and "wanting to do the right thing" he confessed about the incident 5 days after it happened. So far he's done everything he said he would, been checked for diseases, sought help for the drugs, made us a counseling appt, come to church with me, and most importantly he's just been nice to me (this is the first time in 13 years I've gone a week without being yelled at or called a name). The past week has been an emotional roller coaster with me screaming, crying, the mind movies are the worst... But the past 2 days I've actually experienced and given into hysterical bonding (that shits real!) and it's almost like I've forgotten that he cheated. It's so soon. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad to go a full day without crying my eyes out, but I just think it's way too soon to be getting over it. I'm scared I'm just pushing it out of my head subconsciously as a coping mechanism and it will rear it's ugly head later. I'm so confused...

karmahappens posted 4/19/2014 16:42 PM

Welcome to SI (((hugs)))

It is way too soon to forget and if you act as though it never happened it's called rug-sweeping.

Making things look pretty and all ok seems nice at first, just go back to the way things were...but you can't.

First, you indicate he has been verbally abusive to you. This needs to end. He needs to stay in therapy to get to the root of his issues.

You should also get some therapy to determine why you feel you should stay with someone abusing you.

Second, the affair/ONS is a symptom of something deeper in him, he needs to figure it out, get help, and heal...along with you healing too.

It takes a long time, lots of work, pain and more time.

But if you don't do it, I promise you will be back here in 1, 2, 3 years and he most likely will do it again.

You didn't cause this, contribute to it and you cannot fix him.

He needs to get real and man up.

You need to take care of you. Come here when you need to vent and know we care about your healing.

OakStreet posted 4/19/2014 16:52 PM

karmahappens is so right!

Make sure he gets the help he needs and likewise for you!

Good luck ((Emmadean))!

Emmadean posted 4/19/2014 17:37 PM

Trust me, the last thing I want to do is sweep it under the rug. I know it needs to be dealt with and have every intention to go to counseling, with him and alone. He's also already seen his counselor and has further appointments set up. He's also scheduled to go to a recovery group specifically for the drugs. I know that all of the events (the drugs and the cheating) were a culmination of something that is a huge underlying issue that needs to be dealt with. And I also know that the verbal abuse was never Ok, and for the first time in 13 years he acknowledged that he has been verbally abusive throughout our relationship, whereas before he just treated it as if it was normal behavior. I really hope his changes stick, but I realize it's early and time will tell. He's also VERY aware that this was his last and only chance. I've told him that the next time he curses at me, calls me a name or treats me disrespectful in any way, we're done and there won't be a reconciliation, and I SINCERELY mean that. I realize we'll fight again, all couples do, but there's an adult and proper way to argue without being abusive.
I'm just confused...

Teach8 posted 4/19/2014 17:47 PM

HB is definitely real...we went through it too...Until dday #2. I think it is a normal part of the rollercoaster. No, you can't rugsweep, but the HB is very normal. I can vividly remember saying to H, just cause we are having so much sex, doesn't mean I am over this. The HB is great as long as you continue to deal with everything as well.

(((Emmadean)))

sunvalley posted 4/19/2014 19:09 PM

I believe you are still in shock and the rollercoaster of emotions is just begun. I went through a hyperbonding and hypersexual stage at the beginning when I was in shock and denial as well but in time the grieving process will still happen. And it needs to happen for you to get through this and truly address your emotions. Take care of you and your needs right now. Dont be too hard on yourself for being so loving in the moment with him but equally dont be hard on yourself when the emotions start to show again. I dont feel you are in any way over this yet, I wish it were that simple. But this hyperbonding right now may just be what the two of you need to remind you what youre fighting for and if its worth the fight. You will go through many stages of emotions and flipflop alot from extremely loving to extremely pained...its normal and it is ok. Stick it out on SI for support, seek IC and MC, its still so fresh and it will take time to heal.

NeverAgain2013 posted 4/20/2014 06:00 AM

Well, 13 years of yelling, verbal abuse and name calling would be enough reason to have left long ago.

It kind of sounds as though he's trying to blame his one night stand on drugs. If I remember your other post, he went out to a bar and was drinking and his friend gave him some Xtacy (sp?) and he took it.

But I don't recall your posts mentioning any kind of habitual drug abuse over the last 13 years, so it sounds as though taking this drug was a one-time foolish decision. Not quite sure why he's going to a 'drug recovery group.' Honestly, it just sounds like he's trying to take all the focus off of his cheating by blaming it on the 'drugs' making him do it. He knows damned well how Xtacy affects people, and he chose to take it anyway. Sounds as though he already had an intention to cheat the minute he left the house.

Don't be too quick to forgive him. While he gets 2 points for being honest and confessing to you, the fact still remains everything he did, he did by CHOICE. It wasn't the booze, it wasn't the drugs, it was all by HIS choice.

Good luck to you.


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[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 6:02 AM, April 20th (Sunday)]

simplydevastated posted 4/20/2014 08:47 AM

I don't think you're getting over it yet or rugsweeping. You're on the roller coaster ride. Right now you're heading up the tall incline, everything seems fine, he's doing the right things. Next, something will trigger you and you'll be headed down that first drop. This is normal. We've all been there.

You will get through this. He has a lot of work to do and it sounds like he's on the right track with getting help. I hope for both your sakes that he stays getting help.

Skan posted 4/20/2014 11:11 AM

One of the things that the mind can do, when overstressed, is to shut down. It can lock down the overwhelming emotions and sort of give you a break from them. My personal feeling is that this is a survival instinct, so that you can mentally take a small break to re-group. It may last for a day, or a few days, or even a week or so, but eventually, all of that anguish and anger and hurt and rage etc., will surface and you'll feel it and have to deal with it. So don't be surprised when and if it all hits you.

Also, this can be, IMO, a test of the WS, in your case, WH. Because when this "calm" descends, they can think, wow! That was it? That wasn't so bad of a reaction! Guess we're OK after all. And when your mind does a data dump of everything that is swirling around under the surface, they can be shocked, angry (I though you were over this!), defensive, or one hopes, truly remorseful in the What Can I Do To Help You Through This Hell That I Have Caused manner. In my case, I stuffed a LOT of rage down early on, because my FWH was clinically depressed, I was afraid that he might harm himself, and the ADs took forever to kick in. However, about three days after they kicked in, the rage box was opened and I massively lost it. Luckily, we had a MC that saw what I was doing and warned us both that this was likely to happen, so it wasn't a complete surprise.

So take this mental time off, but be ready for the next swing of the rollercoaster. And don't, for one moment, let your WH off nor let him think that it's all over. The estimate of 2-5 years of healing WITH a properly remorseful spouse is bang-on, I think. (((hugs)))

Emmadean posted 4/20/2014 14:58 PM

Thanks for the advice. I guess it's just a roller coaster I'll have to ride out... :/

Emmadean posted 4/20/2014 18:05 PM

And about the drug use... He's not a drinker, never really has been. And we both use to use extasy and go to raves and such but stopped that over 10 years ago. However he's been a daily pot smoker for over 10 years, and takes prescription drugs (Adderall and xanax). They were prescribed to him legally but he didn't really need them. He'd take he Adderall, get wired and angry and amped up. Then to fix that he'd take xanax which would make him moody and depressed, so he'd take the Adderall and so on and so on...

Chinadoll30 posted 4/22/2014 15:34 PM

I didn't read all the replies yet, I just wanted to say that I am right there with you. After 6 days of hell, we have been "hysterically bonding" like bunnies. WH, like yours, is agreeing to everything. No contact, new phone number, etc. we went to our marriage counselor today, and she suggested that the sex is a drug. We are using it to numb the bad feelings. Eventually we will have to feel them if we want to get past them. Hugs.

[This message edited by Chinadoll30 at 7:25 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday)]