It is way too soon to forget and if you act as though it never happened it's called rug-sweeping.
Making things look pretty and all ok seems nice at first, just go back to the way things were...but you can't.
First, you indicate he has been verbally abusive to you. This needs to end. He needs to stay in therapy to get to the root of his issues.
You should also get some therapy to determine why you feel you should stay with someone abusing you.
Second, the affair/ONS is a symptom of something deeper in him, he needs to figure it out, get help, and heal...along with you healing too.
It takes a long time, lots of work, pain and more time.
But if you don't do it, I promise you will be back here in 1, 2, 3 years and he most likely will do it again.
You didn't cause this, contribute to it and you cannot fix him.
He needs to get real and man up.
You need to take care of you. Come here when you need to vent and know we care about your healing.
Make sure he gets the help he needs and likewise for you!
Good luck ((Emmadean))!
It kind of sounds as though he's trying to blame his one night stand on drugs. If I remember your other post, he went out to a bar and was drinking and his friend gave him some Xtacy (sp?) and he took it.
But I don't recall your posts mentioning any kind of habitual drug abuse over the last 13 years, so it sounds as though taking this drug was a one-time foolish decision. Not quite sure why he's going to a 'drug recovery group.' Honestly, it just sounds like he's trying to take all the focus off of his cheating by blaming it on the 'drugs' making him do it. He knows damned well how Xtacy affects people, and he chose to take it anyway. Sounds as though he already had an intention to cheat the minute he left the house.
Don't be too quick to forgive him. While he gets 2 points for being honest and confessing to you, the fact still remains everything he did, he did by CHOICE. It wasn't the booze, it wasn't the drugs, it was all by HIS choice.
Good luck to you.
[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 6:02 AM, April 20th (Sunday)]
You will get through this. He has a lot of work to do and it sounds like he's on the right track with getting help. I hope for both your sakes that he stays getting help.
Also, this can be, IMO, a test of the WS, in your case, WH. Because when this "calm" descends, they can think, wow! That was it? That wasn't so bad of a reaction! Guess we're OK after all. And when your mind does a data dump of everything that is swirling around under the surface, they can be shocked, angry (I though you were over this!), defensive, or one hopes, truly remorseful in the What Can I Do To Help You Through This Hell That I Have Caused manner. In my case, I stuffed a LOT of rage down early on, because my FWH was clinically depressed, I was afraid that he might harm himself, and the ADs took forever to kick in. However, about three days after they kicked in, the rage box was opened and I massively lost it. Luckily, we had a MC that saw what I was doing and warned us both that this was likely to happen, so it wasn't a complete surprise.
So take this mental time off, but be ready for the next swing of the rollercoaster. And don't, for one moment, let your WH off nor let him think that it's all over. The estimate of 2-5 years of healing WITH a properly remorseful spouse is bang-on, I think. (((hugs)))
D-Day, June 10, 2012
[This message edited by Chinadoll30 at 7:25 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday)]