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Newest Member: W2MNL (46024)

User Topic: Too conservative
renee21
♀ 27088
Member # 27088
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, April 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I know I'm not ready to date yet and I won't as long as I am still married, ties into my beliefs. Of course my family, his family and friends have all told me to get out there and date, they don't see anything wrong with it.

I'm hurt but at peace with divorcing, its time, I know the abuse will only end when I say it does. I of course still love the man I married but realize it's not him living inside that body that looks like my husband's.

My SIL and I are still close and we talk a lot, she's almost 10 yrs younger and is very outgoing, cute, etc..so she was joking around telling me I need to just go out and get me some "strange" as she calls it, that I will be good for at least a couple of months.

I cannot imagine doing that for a variety of reasons, I'm terrified at the thought of dating, it sounds like people expect to get in your pants right away. I don't know if I would ever be ready for that. I really do connect being intimate with someone with love not lust, maybe I'm just too old fashioned or conservative.

I'm curious what others have experienced. I'm still fairly young so I'm expecting that someday there will be someone significant in my life again.

This whole process is crazy, I never thought I'd be here after 20 yrs. I've always been glad that I was married and not on the dating scene.


BW(me) 36
WH-36 SA
Three kids 18, 16 and 9
Married 18 years.
Multiple D-Days, multiple OW and an OC
12/19/03,5/13/2004,12/5/2009, 2/20/2014
I am no longer a guest on the Jerry Springer Show.

Posts: 1327 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Florida
Williesmom
♀ 22870
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, April 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I believe that you are married. There will be plenty of time to get some strange when you are divorced.

Dating provides it's own set of problems. Take care of your current situation before you jump into a new one.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7862 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
DepressedDaddy
♂ 41521
Member # 41521
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, April 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been encouraged to go out on dates too, but I am trying to focus on my DD, my D and my life right now. I made a commitment that I would wait until I got a D before engaging in another relationship. I guess it would also depend on how long our D takes too. For now, I am embracing myself and trying to figure out who the new "me" really is. This is not a moral thing or anything, I just know I am not ready to get connected with another woman right no.

Of course, my WW feels differently on this topic.

Best of luck to you and I always say follow your heart!


Since D I have become DDaddy 2.0 - or better known as DevotedDaddy

“Optimism is a strategy for making a better future. Because unless you believe that the future can be better, you are unlikely to step up and take responsibility for making it so."


Posts: 910 | Registered: Dec 2013
inconnu
♀ 24518
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 9:47 PM, April 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'll admit to doing things differently ( I met my SO while I was still going through my divorce and jumped into bed with him fairly quickly) but I'm also wise enough to know that just because it worked for me, doesn't mean that it's what you should do.

You need to do what's right for you. Spend the time healing. Spend time getting to know and love yourself outside of a relationship. If you are conservative, so what? Be who you are. The right man will respect that, and love you for who you are.


Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect


Posts: 12187 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
tryingagain74
♀ 33698
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, April 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will have been divorced for a year in June. While I would say that I'm open to dating, I'm also not actively pursuing it. I, like you, am not interested in something casual. If it means I'm old-fashioned or conservative, so be it. I know what feels right to me, and sudden intimacy with a guy I barely know does not feel right to me.

So, for now, I just enjoy a healthy social life with friends and family. I also participate in a couple of community activities so that I meet new people. It's nice. I'm enjoying myself and being social without the pressure. Maybe I'll come to the point where I want to do something proactive about dating, but since I don't feel like it now, I'm not going to worry about it. Just go out and enjoy yourself without worrying about dating right now. If the time comes where you want to start dating, then you can step up your game.


FBS; now happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3659 | Registered: Oct 2011
norabird
♀ 42092
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 10:51 PM, April 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Conservatism in this case is just healthiness by another word. And I say that as a woman with a lot of 'strange' in her past! Focus on healing. When you are ready, when you are happy with yourself and your life, then you can open the door to add in someone else.

Do this at whatever pace feels right to you.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4235 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Mom4ever
♀ 40516
Member # 40516
Default  Posted: 11:01 PM, April 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If that makes a person a conservative or old fashioned, then I am one too. My kids are my first priority for now. There will be time for me later. But I will never have this time with my kids again.


BW - me 43
WH - 46
M - 23 yrs
D-Day - 6/13/2013
2 DS and 1 DD
Divorcing
There are some things that "sorry" just doesn't fix... But I never even got a "sorry."

Posts: 108 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Southeast
renee21
♀ 27088
Member # 27088
Default  Posted: 11:03 PM, April 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yeah, I have a ton on my plate with my own healing on top of my kids and all the things they are struggling with.

I get lonely, but for the most part I'm okay. considering I am doing 100% of the parenting, I'm keeping busy. when I'm not doing that and working full time, I'm now the Vice President for the youth organization that they pushed Prince charming out of his role as president. So I have plenty socially to keep me busy, which is good for me.


BW(me) 36
WH-36 SA
Three kids 18, 16 and 9
Married 18 years.
Multiple D-Days, multiple OW and an OC
12/19/03,5/13/2004,12/5/2009, 2/20/2014
I am no longer a guest on the Jerry Springer Show.

Posts: 1327 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Florida
Gemini71
♀ 40115
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 12:00 AM, April 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're definitely not the only one. I won't even entertain the idea of dating until I'm actually single. And then I'm not even sure if I will. I've only just started to get to know myself again. Why would I want to complicate that with a relationship?


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Double Betrayal D-Day 7/26/2013
Divorced 11/18/2014

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 2089 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
Softcentre
39166
Member # 39166
Default  Posted: 12:51 AM, April 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm conservative too. I'm not sure if I'll ever date in the future. But part of that is because I'm now a priest (and dating a priest is like dating the whole church, plus I can't afford to be divorced again if it went wrong), part of it is being a mum (and terrified of putting my children through another break-up), part of it is feeling like my radar is broken and how would I know if I got a 'good one' or not (The Arse fooled EVERYONE, so how could I tell?)....but most of all, I'm simply not ready and won't be for a long time. I don't want to hurt anyone else just to feel good.


Me: BW
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse' - passive aggressive, tt'ing, gaslighting...multiple EA's with different women (1 'proven') and at least 1 PA

Took a while, but I like the me I am, without him.

"Until God opens the next do


Posts: 1115 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
crazynot
♀ 24572
Member # 24572
Default  Posted: 5:35 AM, April 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I thought I'd never want another man, I never ever thought I'd be alone at 48... left 'high and dry' as my brother put it. Yet I fell in love with someone only three months after XH moved out and I thank God every day that my husband and the man I considered my soulmate met OW and set me free to have a real relationship with someone who really gets me, values me, respects me, desires me.


Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.


Posts: 937 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
tesla
♀ 34697
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 6:49 AM, April 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't view that as being conservative. I view it as being healthy. You've had a traumatic event (or series of unfolding events) occur. You are stepping into new roles as a parent and learning how to be an individual. Quite frankly, I don't see why anyone would want to fill the new holes in their life with another person that brings their own set of baggage and complications.

I'm over 2 years out from D-day, 1.5 years D and I still feel like I have to spend my energy on my son, my job, myself before I feel ok dating. Right now, I'm satisfied with that. Yes, there are lonely moments and I'd like to have some adult fun but at this point, I'd only want that for a short time...then I'd want it to go home.

[This message edited by tesla at 6:50 AM, April 20th (Sunday)]


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4819 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
justinpaintoday
♂ 42858
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 6:50 AM, April 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

renee: I feel the EXACT same way as a man. You could have writtent his post for me. I have been told to get out there, have sex, just start dating.

Well I had many years of an intimate caring relationship that involved deep intimacy. The sex part makes everything seem cheapened. That's what my WW did. Scumbag kind of stuff. I think many people turn sex into a commodity. I think the first time dating, kissing, etc will be very nerve racking.

My beliefs are conservative as well. I intend to remain faithful until the ink dries on the D papers. I won't do it for her anymore, I will do it for me. I will know I was faithful to my vows. It's a personal thing. In addition it allows me to set a clear personal boundry for personal healing. I am making myself take these months to explore ME. Get inside my own head and heart and learn to appreciate myself.

Just my thoughts.


I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
jackie89
♀ 38271
Member # 38271
Default  Posted: 7:28 AM, April 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Renee, I too, feel exactly the same way,if that makes us conservative, so be it, that's not who I am- casual dating.

Plus, what kind of relationship would it be, an EOW, relationship? I am not bringing men into my home around my 14yr old daughter.. unless it's serious, no way!

So for now, focusing on me, my job and being there for my kids, and having girl time with my BFFs. Aside from Holidays, or a weekend here and there, I'm happy and at peace with myself.


I edit - because I hate misspellings or grammar mistakes.

Separated/divorcing

"The Secret of Change is to focus all your energy - not on fighting the old, but on building the new" ~~Lori Greiner FB post~~


Posts: 541 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
neverbeokay
8275
Member # 8275
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, April 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you are not ready to date, don't feel pressured by others to do so, you are the one who has to live with your decisions. I also really believe that you only attract healthy partners when you yourself are in a good place. No judgment for people who enjoy casual sex but for some people it just sets back the healing because what they really want is love.

Posts: 310 | Registered: Sep 2005
bluelady
♀ 11061
Member # 11061
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, April 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think people encourage others to get out there and date again with the best of intentions, not realizing how life-altering this whole situation has made us.

My XH and I had a very long separation due to him being a soldier and being away on tour (18 months from date of separation to his return plus another 6 weeks while we waited for the D to be final). In that time, I was able to move on but it didn't come without hardship and trial. I was lucky in that the man I moved on with was someone I had known for nearly a decade and who was brave enough to weather the storm of emotion that came with being not all that far out from my marriage. He was with me when I moved out of our house (it was military housing. I moved out while XH was still away) - that was hard, but he understood. He was with me when I got my decree. I cried - not for the loss of my XH, but for my sense of failure - and he understood. I'm not sure if that would have been possible with someone with whom I didn't already have a strong bond.

You need to do what is best for you. There is nothing wrong with being alone. It can be very empowering.


Me (BS): 35

Divorced


Posts: 1473 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: a little bit of everywhere
sparklezombie
♀ 40095
Member # 40095
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, April 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You should definitely not feel pressured. My D is not final and I'm not planning to date anytime soon. I'm also a conservative Christian and believe that sex is a gift best reserved for marriage. I know that seriously limits the number of men who would be willing to date me but that's ok. I'm only 33 and hope that I won't be alone forever but I also won't waver on my convictions. You're not alone in this. Do what works for you and forget everyone else


BS: Me
WH: Husband
One daughter - 22 months
Married 11.5 years
2.5 false R's.
Status: Divorcing.
You can't pick up a turd by the clean end. Time to flush the toilet.

Posts: 253 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Somewhere on the Eastern Seaboard
Topic Posts: 17

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