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renee21 posted 4/19/2014 21:11 PM

So I know I'm not ready to date yet and I won't as long as I am still married, ties into my beliefs. Of course my family, his family and friends have all told me to get out there and date, they don't see anything wrong with it.

I'm hurt but at peace with divorcing, its time, I know the abuse will only end when I say it does. I of course still love the man I married but realize it's not him living inside that body that looks like my husband's.

My SIL and I are still close and we talk a lot, she's almost 10 yrs younger and is very outgoing, cute, she was joking around telling me I need to just go out and get me some "strange" as she calls it, that I will be good for at least a couple of months.

I cannot imagine doing that for a variety of reasons, I'm terrified at the thought of dating, it sounds like people expect to get in your pants right away. I don't know if I would ever be ready for that. I really do connect being intimate with someone with love not lust, maybe I'm just too old fashioned or conservative.

I'm curious what others have experienced. I'm still fairly young so I'm expecting that someday there will be someone significant in my life again.

This whole process is crazy, I never thought I'd be here after 20 yrs. I've always been glad that I was married and not on the dating scene.

Williesmom posted 4/19/2014 21:23 PM

I believe that you are married. There will be plenty of time to get some strange when you are divorced.

Dating provides it's own set of problems. Take care of your current situation before you jump into a new one.

DepressedDaddy posted 4/19/2014 21:33 PM

I have been encouraged to go out on dates too, but I am trying to focus on my DD, my D and my life right now. I made a commitment that I would wait until I got a D before engaging in another relationship. I guess it would also depend on how long our D takes too. For now, I am embracing myself and trying to figure out who the new "me" really is. This is not a moral thing or anything, I just know I am not ready to get connected with another woman right no.

Of course, my WW feels differently on this topic.

Best of luck to you and I always say follow your heart!

inconnu posted 4/19/2014 21:47 PM

I'll admit to doing things differently ( I met my SO while I was still going through my divorce and jumped into bed with him fairly quickly) but I'm also wise enough to know that just because it worked for me, doesn't mean that it's what you should do.

You need to do what's right for you. Spend the time healing. Spend time getting to know and love yourself outside of a relationship. If you are conservative, so what? Be who you are. The right man will respect that, and love you for who you are.

tryingagain74 posted 4/19/2014 22:05 PM

I will have been divorced for a year in June. While I would say that I'm open to dating, I'm also not actively pursuing it. I, like you, am not interested in something casual. If it means I'm old-fashioned or conservative, so be it. I know what feels right to me, and sudden intimacy with a guy I barely know does not feel right to me.

So, for now, I just enjoy a healthy social life with friends and family. I also participate in a couple of community activities so that I meet new people. It's nice. I'm enjoying myself and being social without the pressure. Maybe I'll come to the point where I want to do something proactive about dating, but since I don't feel like it now, I'm not going to worry about it. Just go out and enjoy yourself without worrying about dating right now. If the time comes where you want to start dating, then you can step up your game.

norabird posted 4/19/2014 22:51 PM

Conservatism in this case is just healthiness by another word. And I say that as a woman with a lot of 'strange' in her past! Focus on healing. When you are ready, when you are happy with yourself and your life, then you can open the door to add in someone else.

Do this at whatever pace feels right to you.

Mom4ever posted 4/19/2014 23:01 PM

If that makes a person a conservative or old fashioned, then I am one too. My kids are my first priority for now. There will be time for me later. But I will never have this time with my kids again.

renee21 posted 4/19/2014 23:03 PM

yeah, I have a ton on my plate with my own healing on top of my kids and all the things they are struggling with.

I get lonely, but for the most part I'm okay. considering I am doing 100% of the parenting, I'm keeping busy. when I'm not doing that and working full time, I'm now the Vice President for the youth organization that they pushed Prince charming out of his role as president. So I have plenty socially to keep me busy, which is good for me.

Gemini71 posted 4/20/2014 00:00 AM

You're definitely not the only one. I won't even entertain the idea of dating until I'm actually single. And then I'm not even sure if I will. I've only just started to get to know myself again. Why would I want to complicate that with a relationship?

Softcentre posted 4/20/2014 00:51 AM

I'm conservative too. I'm not sure if I'll ever date in the future. But part of that is because I'm now a priest (and dating a priest is like dating the whole church, plus I can't afford to be divorced again if it went wrong), part of it is being a mum (and terrified of putting my children through another break-up), part of it is feeling like my radar is broken and how would I know if I got a 'good one' or not (The Arse fooled EVERYONE, so how could I tell?)....but most of all, I'm simply not ready and won't be for a long time. I don't want to hurt anyone else just to feel good.

crazynot posted 4/20/2014 05:35 AM

I thought I'd never want another man, I never ever thought I'd be alone at 48... left 'high and dry' as my brother put it. Yet I fell in love with someone only three months after XH moved out and I thank God every day that my husband and the man I considered my soulmate met OW and set me free to have a real relationship with someone who really gets me, values me, respects me, desires me.

tesla posted 4/20/2014 06:49 AM

I don't view that as being conservative. I view it as being healthy. You've had a traumatic event (or series of unfolding events) occur. You are stepping into new roles as a parent and learning how to be an individual. Quite frankly, I don't see why anyone would want to fill the new holes in their life with another person that brings their own set of baggage and complications.

I'm over 2 years out from D-day, 1.5 years D and I still feel like I have to spend my energy on my son, my job, myself before I feel ok dating. Right now, I'm satisfied with that. Yes, there are lonely moments and I'd like to have some adult fun but at this point, I'd only want that for a short time...then I'd want it to go home.

[This message edited by tesla at 6:50 AM, April 20th (Sunday)]

justinpaintoday posted 4/20/2014 06:50 AM

renee: I feel the EXACT same way as a man. You could have writtent his post for me. I have been told to get out there, have sex, just start dating.

Well I had many years of an intimate caring relationship that involved deep intimacy. The sex part makes everything seem cheapened. That's what my WW did. Scumbag kind of stuff. I think many people turn sex into a commodity. I think the first time dating, kissing, etc will be very nerve racking.

My beliefs are conservative as well. I intend to remain faithful until the ink dries on the D papers. I won't do it for her anymore, I will do it for me. I will know I was faithful to my vows. It's a personal thing. In addition it allows me to set a clear personal boundry for personal healing. I am making myself take these months to explore ME. Get inside my own head and heart and learn to appreciate myself.

Just my thoughts.

jackie89 posted 4/20/2014 07:28 AM

Renee, I too, feel exactly the same way,if that makes us conservative, so be it, that's not who I am- casual dating.

Plus, what kind of relationship would it be, an EOW, relationship? I am not bringing men into my home around my 14yr old daughter.. unless it's serious, no way!

So for now, focusing on me, my job and being there for my kids, and having girl time with my BFFs. Aside from Holidays, or a weekend here and there, I'm happy and at peace with myself.

neverbeokay posted 4/20/2014 07:44 AM

If you are not ready to date, don't feel pressured by others to do so, you are the one who has to live with your decisions. I also really believe that you only attract healthy partners when you yourself are in a good place. No judgment for people who enjoy casual sex but for some people it just sets back the healing because what they really want is love.

bluelady posted 4/20/2014 12:20 PM

I think people encourage others to get out there and date again with the best of intentions, not realizing how life-altering this whole situation has made us.

My XH and I had a very long separation due to him being a soldier and being away on tour (18 months from date of separation to his return plus another 6 weeks while we waited for the D to be final). In that time, I was able to move on but it didn't come without hardship and trial. I was lucky in that the man I moved on with was someone I had known for nearly a decade and who was brave enough to weather the storm of emotion that came with being not all that far out from my marriage. He was with me when I moved out of our house (it was military housing. I moved out while XH was still away) - that was hard, but he understood. He was with me when I got my decree. I cried - not for the loss of my XH, but for my sense of failure - and he understood. I'm not sure if that would have been possible with someone with whom I didn't already have a strong bond.

You need to do what is best for you. There is nothing wrong with being alone. It can be very empowering.

sparklezombie posted 4/20/2014 15:13 PM

You should definitely not feel pressured. My D is not final and I'm not planning to date anytime soon. I'm also a conservative Christian and believe that sex is a gift best reserved for marriage. I know that seriously limits the number of men who would be willing to date me but that's ok. I'm only 33 and hope that I won't be alone forever but I also won't waver on my convictions. You're not alone in this. Do what works for you and forget everyone else

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