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Ready to crawl out of my skin

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Dawn58 posted 4/20/2014 10:04 AM

Hi All,

Mediation is tomorrow, and I am dreading it. I have been told that we will be in separate rooms, I can't bear the thought of seeing him.

I feel confident with my attorney - I feel that she has my back. He hired a fancy pants, shark attorney. He's spent over 250K on his attorney, such a pathetic waste of money. The brief that his attorney wrote paints me as a gold digging, lazy woman who married him with ulterior motives. More lies, and I am sure more will come.

My feelings are all over the place. I read over some of my writings from when we were first separated, the emotions were so raw and I have forgotten some of the things he was doing towards the end. He really was a pig. The things that he did that I would not accept today. I realize how much control he had over me, how I felt that I would not survive without him. I am not the same woman I was.

I am grateful to not be with him, to have the freedom I have now. I also mourn the dream I had, the love I felt for him, the trust I felt. All that was broken, my heart, my trust and the promise he made to me. He promised that he would never hurt me. Promised to honor me, forsake all others. More lies.

The anger and rage are still there. The hurt is there. I still don't understand why he did what he did, outside of the fact, it is what he does.

Please hold good thoughts for me. My goal is to receive a fair settlement, what I am legally entitled to. And if he gets upset,

SBB posted 4/20/2014 10:42 AM

Take deep breaths. This is all going to happen and it will be over and done with in time.

Don't worry about what his L is doing etc - that is what you pay your L for.

It is a travesty of epic proportions that we're expected to get our shit together and fight the legal fight whilst we're broken hearted and still bleeding all over the floor. But we are. We have to.

Put on your armour tomorrow and kick arse. Find a release for all of the anger/hurt that this will bring up. Rage walking/cleaning worked for me. The only thing I miss about that time is my lean body and sparkling home.

Sending you much mojo, friend.

norabird posted 4/20/2014 11:37 AM

You must be so nervous! I'm glad you will be in separate rooms. Try not to let his accusations and how he is depicting you get under your skin--you know he is just trying to pretend you are on his level, motivated only by external things instead of deep and abiding values; really, his accusations speak volumes about who he is, and have nothing to do with who you are.

I am glad you have a good L, and clarity on who he really is. Mourning who you thought he was is normal and healthy. Just remember you deserve someone who really will honor their promises to you. I'm so sorry he was not that person. But I am excited for your new chapter, too. It will be a great one.

Rainbows posted 4/20/2014 12:19 PM


Breathe and be calm. It's great you trust and have confidence in your L.

Stay focused on your objectives tomorrow. That's all that matters, so tune out all of the drama and noise. I always tell myself I can cry it out after.

If it helps, make a small list (like a cheat sheet) for yourself of the things you want to achieve. Check it when you get sidetracked or overwhelmed.

He can call it whatever he wants, but you're entitled to things under the law. Painting you a certain way doesn't change that.

Keep focused and stand tall. You've got this.

FaithFool posted 4/20/2014 12:32 PM

you're entitled to things under the law.

This ^^^. All the rest is hot air and he is a dirtbag.

Glad you're going to be free of him soon. We'll be thinking of you tomorrow. Go kick some ass.


nowiknow23 posted 4/20/2014 13:08 PM

(((((Dawn))))) We'll all be with you tomorrow. Keep breathing, honey. Sending you strength.

Helen of Troy posted 4/20/2014 13:29 PM

I know this is hard. If you see him in hall go on the other direction. If he is to get in the elevator with you, step out. Take a comfort object and keep it in your pocket or purse. Even if you were a gold digging lazy woman with ulterior motives, it doesn't matter. The law is the law and your lawyer is not going to let him get away with less than fair.
He cheated.
The marriage is over.
Divide debt and assets.
The end.

But geeze 250k on legal fees? Sounds like a millionaire dirtbag.

one2ndchance posted 4/20/2014 13:43 PM

Because I was a SAHM for the first 18 years of my marriage, I sometimes felt that maybe I'm not entitled to the comfortable SS my L says I am.

STBXWH has never called me a "gold digger," yet there are little inflections occasionally about how large a percentage of his monthly income will go to me. I hear the whining about how much overhead he has and how he can't find a good associate to help him, and how he's worried I'm not motivated to get a job and blah, blah, blah...

I've been looking for a job but my nursing skills are specialized and it's obvious from my resume that I'm very well into my 50's.

So, at times when I feel some trepidation about the MSA, I tell myself I've EARNED it. I took care of him very well for 25 years. His wardrobe, his car, his travel needs, his social calendar, his health care, his appointments, his food, his bills paid, his home cared for, his vacations planned, and anytime one of those "flies in the ointment" occurred in his life...I took care of it for him. All while raising our daughter pretty much by myself.

I don't even factor in the sh*t I put up with during the infidelity, because there is no price tag that can be put on the "pain & suffering" THAT cost me.

The brief that his attorney wrote paints me as a gold digging, lazy woman who married him with ulterior motives

So don't worry about this ^^^

You've EARNED every penny you get from him.

FaithFool posted 4/20/2014 13:47 PM

there is no price tag that can be put on the "pain & suffering" THAT cost me.

And this ^^^. Let's never forget that. My lawyer and I came up with a figure and my x is paying it off over 10 years for the 20+ years he had me living a lie and putting my health at risk.

It all has a price tag, even more so if you were a SAHM...

[This message edited by FaithFool at 1:48 PM, April 20th (Sunday)]

justjim posted 4/20/2014 13:48 PM

Let me tell you a little about how my court date for my temporary hearing (separation) went last week.

My young, cute female attorney with the sweet personality and I show up early for court. Just before court time, Skank Whore shows up with her older female attorney, who also brought along her paralegal and a coupe of other straphangers to add to the parade. SW's attorney immediately starts talking down to my attorney and asks her into a private room so that they can "talk".

I'm not completely clear on all that went on behind that door, but SW's lawyer came out with a whole new attitude. Suddenly, SW's attorney wants to negotiate a settlement without letting the evidence go before the judge.

I came out with a pretty decent deal.

The moral of the story? Don't let your Ex's fancypants high dollar lawyer intimidate you. The facts are on your side. Chances are that when the facts are known, as in my case, even Mr. Fancypants Esquire will be appalled by his own client's behavior. Maybe not openly, but he will.

Take heart. Summon strength. You're going to do just fine.

Compartmented posted 4/20/2014 15:46 PM

Chances are that when the facts are known, as in my case, even Mr. Fancypants Esquire will be appalled by his own client's behavior. Maybe not openly, but he will.
^^^^This!! (understatement of the year in my situation)

I remember you from early on, Dawn, and I'm so glad you have gotten to a place where you feel better off without him. When the divorce is all said and done, add that great feeling to the things you received in the divorce, because feeling peaceful is amazing!!! I remember how awful the divorce process was and it's great to have that behind me. Remember to breathe!

FaithFool posted 4/21/2014 21:19 PM

How did it go today Dawn?

nowiknow23 posted 4/22/2014 13:33 PM

I'm also wondering how it went, Dawn.

nekorb posted 4/22/2014 13:57 PM

Me too!


tesla posted 4/22/2014 21:03 PM

How did it go?

Dawn58 posted 4/23/2014 08:51 AM

Hi all,

Ten hours of mediation. Still ironing out the details, but now I am wondering if the deal is the best for me.....

Anyhows, I had to see him for a joint session first thing. The retired judge wanted to go over the confidentiality stuff with both of us in the room. I was really upset about that, because I was adamant that I did not want to see him, but understood that I needed to cooperate with the judge's request. So, I just starred down into my lap when he came into the room and did not look at him. He came around and introduced himself to my attorney and accountant and I kept my head down. Then, turned my back to him. I realize that was not the most mature thing to do, but it was the best solution I came up at the time to avoid seeing him.

My attorney is happy with the deal. I am not so sure two days out. He does not have the cash to give me, so the house I am living in will be sold. I am really pissed that I have to move again. I am pissed that I will be inconvenienced by the open houses, showing the house.....He gets to keep the marital home we lived in. At the time, my attorney said it would be very difficult for me to get a loan, since I am not working. So, I thought if I can't get the loan, I have to sell the house. Now, I am wondering if I should have insisted that he put a line of equity on his house, give me the cash and I could have paid off this house, so no need for the loan. But, then, do I want to stay in this house? It was our retirement home, with memories attached. It is near the beach, so I can hear the ocean at night and it's a quick walk down. But, I do not have a yard. The maintenance is high down here as well. So, is it better to have a fresh start, take the cash out from the sale of the house, but it won't be enough to buy another home in the area, maybe a condo.....

I get support for a couple of years, it was a short marriage. Some retirement money. We are still haggling over some of the details, but I don't think I will have to go in for another mediation session, hopefully the attorneys can work it out.

Yesterday, found out I have to have a root canal.

I don't know if I should say something to my attorney about the house deal, or just leave it alone, and start looking for a place to live. Just pisses me off, that he's the one that cheated, but he keeps the house and I have to move again......Not that I want the marital home, because he moved his mistress in there and the summers are way too hot for me. But, his life will continue on before and I have to go through another major change in my life because he doesn't have the cash on hand. He spent an outrageous and ridiculous amount on his attorney for a simple cash, even the judge said it was an inordinate amount.

Emotionally, it was a difficult day for me. I shook for most of the day, was unable to eat lunch and by the end of the day, I felt hammered. After 10 hours of mediation, I had class that night until 10 pm. It was a very, long day.

But I never have to see the pig again, never have to be in the same room with him. My marriage to a lying, cheating coward is close to the end.

With the deal we are working on, I will have a clean slate. Nothing of the marriage will remain, except for some money once the house sells. I just need to feel okay about the house selling and having to move again. This will allow me the freedom to go where I want to go, I just don't know where that is. I will be done with school in June and then look for work. So, maybe it's good that I have a fresh start, I just don't embrace change very well. All I see now, is what I have lost, rather than what new opportunities are out there for me.

Thank you all for your support. If you have any feedback for me, I am open to it. Nothing was signed in the mediation, although the judge wanted reassurance that we would not renege on the agreement that was partially worked out.

one2ndchance posted 4/23/2014 09:58 AM

Cash settlement, a few years of SS, and some retirement doesn't sound bad for a short term marriage.

I gave up alot when I moved from a big house to a condo, but I found one with a small patio and yard. I wanted to keep mortgage payment manageable, so instead of buying turnkey, I bought a fixer with a great floor plan. Completed renovated entire inside, so everything is brand shiny new and exactly to my liking.

What I'm trying to say is there's strength and comfort in moving away from the old and choosing new. Yes, there are concessions, but they're so worth the feeling of being free from the toxicity of a bad marriage.

Pentup posted 4/23/2014 12:12 PM

Oh, the places you will go.

If you are finishing school in June, this will leave you wide open to any opportunity. I think it will be a good thing even if moving is a pain. You did good. Do something nice for yourself today to celebrate not puking on any ones shoes yesterday.

norabird posted 4/23/2014 13:10 PM

Moving is a pain, but don't let the stress over the inconvenience get you down too much. You can start over, and a new place can actually be a good sign of that fresh slate. Congratulations on your freedom.

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