You've not lost your mind, what your feeling is completely normal. You will find that MANY people on here are having the same or very similar feelings/issues as you. If you really want to R then I suggest thats exactly what you do. Dont let anyone talk you out of it. Its YOUR decision. Just make sure he is putting in the work to R as well. He needs to block her from EVERYTHING. You WILL get through this, but it will not be easy. Take time and breathe, write things down, vent, come on here. There is LOTS of support and understanding on here. I KNOW it doesnt feel like you'll EVER be the same again and truthfully, you wont. But you can get throught this and be happy again!
The desire for sex is completely normal. You are trying to reclain your relationship. Its called hysterical bonding. It isn't a bad thing, but just remember to deal with all your feelings and talk with you bf. You don't want to rugsweep anything.
One thing in the near future you will want to consider is counseling for both of you. I am so sorry you are here, but you've come to the right place. Wonderful people will be here to help and support you. It won't always hurt this much, I promise.
The way you're feeling is perfectly normal in this awful situation. If you can't eat, try Ensure or something similar.
Wanting to have sex is called 'Hysterical Bonding' around here and it is also fairly normal. Before you give in to that, you both need to be tested for STDs, and you have to ask to have Herpes and HPV included in your STD screen.
Read through this:
Again, welcome to SI, though I'm so sorry you had to find us. Just know that, like many of us here, you WILL survive this!
I'm so sorry that you find yourself here. You are right...it really does hurt to breathe. I just wanted you to know that there are people out here listening.
It's great that he is making the right gestures. You are right that he can tell you whatever he wants and then act differently, and that you can't control it. You must accept that. To try and R is a risk. We can only do our best to make sure it is a 'good' risk. One that perhaps you need to take to make sure things are unsalvageable or not. Give yourself permission to be hurt again, because you are risking that for sure.
And make sure he follows through on accountability. You can put your own secret safeguards in place--a key logger on the computer, a VAR, a GPS tracker on his car. If you need those to be sure, employ them. He should be an open book in terms of his devices, his whereabouts, his money--everything. He should be willing to do anything to convince you. You should both get IC.
As for wanting to be intimate...we call it hysterical bonding (HB) and it's very very normal. Might as well enjoy it without shaming yourself.
You can also wait before really committing to R. Start by withdrawing some and watching to see if he is actually NC. R is a GIFT. It is not a given. You have a choice here, and a lot of power. Don't ever forget that. Put yourself in the drivers seat and stay there.
[This message edited by norabird at 2:05 PM, April 20th (Sunday)]
Since this has happened with him before (previous m) I would make a couple observations/suggestions. First, you can't believe anything they say right now, trust your gut instincts. Second, don't get in a hurry on decisions.On the surface it sounds like he wants to try to make things right, but be prepared (keep your eyes and ears open, trust is a long ways off)for him to fail.Third, since this isn't his first time realize he is broken and he will need to fix himself, and that requires work, counseling etc. This is much more complex than saying the right words. Don't even worry about the words so much as watch what his actions are.Realize if he doesn't actually fix what caused him to do this odds are he will do this again.
Last, don't worry about what everyone else is telling you. This is your life you will eventually get through this, and unless they have walked in your specific shoes they don't have a clue. The people here on SI have walked in those shoes they will be here to help when you need it, we are also here to just listen when you need that!
4 kids all adults.
Married 22+ years.
I have moved on and life is good!
I'm not saying it should be done as a punishment, but just as a natural consequence of his action.
Ultimately it is up to you whom you want to tell. I'm just saying, dont make the mistake of 1) not telling someone when deep down you might want to, b/c you are worried about your "image" being tarnished; and 2) not telling someone when deep down you might need to, b/c HE thinks its the best course of action.
If you reads threads about "to tell or not to tell" you will see the resounding response of those who told others (ie a close family member, a friend) is that they were so glad that they did.
If you find any instance of contact between them still going on, then I would definitely reconsider the decision to keep this quiet. Exposure of the affair (even just to one person) can be a very powerful tool in breaking the WS out of the affair fog and destructing the fantasy/secretive element of the Affair.
I know it feels deceitful to track him secretly. But, it is a reaction to his behavior, and it will help protect you. Don't open yourself up to more deception right now--please, the consequences of being lied to again right now are so hard to bear if down the road you realize you trusted him without cause. the saying goes, trust, but verify. And if he knows what methods you have to double-check his truthfulness those measures will no longer protect you.
The thing is, your partner has proven that he does not have your best interests in mind. You have to act to defend those interests yourself given that.
I am so sorry to point this out, but I don't believe that you have the full story even now.
Then I get the FULL story. it's been physical for about a year with texts/emails about 4-6 months before that. he would go over to her house about once a month (he says) after I had gone to bed. Says he was only over there for 30-45 minutes each time and that half the time they didn't have sex because he couldn't get an erection.
I WILL agree with what other have said above about taking your time making any decisions. Your head is spinning right now, and will continue to do so. It's OK to feel whatever feel and do whatever you need to do (without hurting anyone) until you can think straight again.
[This message edited by krispy47 at 10:22 AM, April 21st (Monday)]
Also know that the changes in character are likely to be temporary and a result of trauma. You are still you underneath your anger; it's a normal reaction, but should pass. Congrats on getting your work done at least!