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User Topic: Hurts to breathe
tremble
♀ 43170
Member # 43170
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, April 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My boyfriend and I have been together 7 years. Living together for 6 of them. I've known him for around 20 years. We both have one previous marriages. Mine ended because my ex had multiple online affairs and wasn't willing to work on it. His ended because he had an emotional/cyber affair with a girl he used to date right after high school. We have (I thought we had) an amazing relationship. After all these years we still stay up at night and talk. I haven't put gas in my car in years because he always fills it up for me. He brings me small presents frequently a flower or my favorite candy. He lost his job about 3 years ago and he always wanted to write a novel. I make plenty of money and he's great with my son from my previous marriage so he's has stayed home and taken care of me and my son for three years. Supper is ready when I come home from work. Laundry done, homework done. I thought I had the perfect life. I tried to make sure he knew how much I loved and appreciated him too. Small gifts, snuggling,telling him. In conversations we had about why his first marriage didn't work he talked about how he never felt needed. She was a very independent person, preferred a lot of alone/me time, didn't really care to meet his family and friends. I tried not to repeat that mistake. And then last Saturday he was asleep and his phone went off. I thought I would check and make sure it wasn't something important. There's a number I don't recognize. I read the texts. it's stuff like "in the car now. ok to call" They weren't normal texts. So I woke him up. Asked him about it. Turns out the girl who broke up his marriage has been texting him. At first he tried to deny anything was going on. I said the only reason to hide talking to her is if there was something to hide. He admitted to sexting/online/phone stuff. I was devastated. We both cried. He promises to do eveything he can to fix it, anything i need him to do he will. So we muddle through the next week. Schedule a talk for friday after work. We will be alone, try to work on this. Then I get the FULL story. it's been physical for about a year with texts/emails about 4-6 months before that. he would go over to her house about once a month (he says) after I had gone to bed. Says he was only over there for 30-45 minutes each time and that half the time they didn't have sex because he couldn't get an erection. I made him call her and put her on speaker phone and tell her it was over. She texted him several times and he told her he couldn't talk to her anymore that we were going to work this out and then he asked me to block her number. I am completely gutted by this. I can't sleep. I've been physically ill. Food tastes like ash. Everyone I know would tell me to kick him out but I want to fix this. I connect with him like I never have with anyone. I've never seen him cry like this either. And OMG what might be most humiliating for me is I want to have sex with him so badly. I just want that connection again. I think I've lost my mind.


You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf. Joseph Campbell

Posts: 74 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: United States
DTERMINED2SURVIV
♀ 42294
Member # 42294
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, April 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((tremble)))

You've not lost your mind, what your feeling is completely normal. You will find that MANY people on here are having the same or very similar feelings/issues as you. If you really want to R then I suggest thats exactly what you do. Dont let anyone talk you out of it. Its YOUR decision. Just make sure he is putting in the work to R as well. He needs to block her from EVERYTHING. You WILL get through this, but it will not be easy. Take time and breathe, write things down, vent, come on here. There is LOTS of support and understanding on here. I KNOW it doesnt feel like you'll EVER be the same again and truthfully, you wont. But you can get throught this and be happy again!




Posts: 272 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Where theres lots of southern HOEspitality
Teach8
♀ 36521
Member # 36521
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, April 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know it hurts, but just keep breathing. You don't need to make any decisions right now. Read the healing library, drink lots of water and try to keep eating.

The desire for sex is completely normal. You are trying to reclain your relationship. Its called hysterical bonding. It isn't a bad thing, but just remember to deal with all your feelings and talk with you bf. You don't want to rugsweep anything.

One thing in the near future you will want to consider is counseling for both of you. I am so sorry you are here, but you've come to the right place. Wonderful people will be here to help and support you. It won't always hurt this much, I promise.


Me: BW. Him: WH. Dday: 4/26/12. TT until 8/15/12 LTA 7 years. Trying to R

Posts: 509 | Registered: Aug 2012
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ 18449
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, April 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello, (((tremble))), and welcome to SI. It really IS the best place you never wanted to be!

The way you're feeling is perfectly normal in this awful situation. If you can't eat, try Ensure or something similar.

Wanting to have sex is called 'Hysterical Bonding' around here and it is also fairly normal. Before you give in to that, you both need to be tested for STDs, and you have to ask to have Herpes and HPV included in your STD screen.

Read through this:
http://survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp

Again, welcome to SI, though I'm so sorry you had to find us. Just know that, like many of us here, you WILL survive this!


Posts: 11791 | Registered: Mar 2008
JustOneMoreDay
♀ 42945
Member # 42945
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, April 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Tremble)))

I'm so sorry that you find yourself here. You are right...it really does hurt to breathe. I just wanted you to know that there are people out here listening.


Me -BS 39
Him-WS 38
Dday #1 February 14, 2003 EA(not a typo. He did it AGAIN eleven years later)
Dday #2 March 17, 2014 LT PA
Dday #3 June 29, 2014(found evidence something had gone on with his sister's best friend)
Dying Inside and in limbo

Posts: 125 | Registered: Mar 2014
tremble
♀ 43170
Member # 43170
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, April 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank all of you so much. He's going to block her from all email accounts. He is removing skype and yahoo messenger. My company has a great confidential counseling program that he has already agreed to. He seems to be really willing to work on things. Like I said I've never seen him cry so much. And he's never blamed me or our relationship. He just keeps saying it was his mess up not mine. I'm finding it's not the sex I want details of. I want the emotional details. I'm afraid he talked badly about me or he had a plan to leave. He says she kept asking him to leave me and his response was always something along the lines of "I've got to work some stuff out" that he never committed to leaving me. And he swears he never said anything negative about me to her. But how I can make sure he doesn't talk to her or go see her. I can't sleep with his car keys (he offered). If he wants to see her (says he doesn't) he will. I guess this is the trust thing huh?


You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf. Joseph Campbell

Posts: 74 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: United States
norabird
♀ 42092
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, April 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((Tremble))))

It's great that he is making the right gestures. You are right that he can tell you whatever he wants and then act differently, and that you can't control it. You must accept that. To try and R is a risk. We can only do our best to make sure it is a 'good' risk. One that perhaps you need to take to make sure things are unsalvageable or not. Give yourself permission to be hurt again, because you are risking that for sure.

And make sure he follows through on accountability. You can put your own secret safeguards in place--a key logger on the computer, a VAR, a GPS tracker on his car. If you need those to be sure, employ them. He should be an open book in terms of his devices, his whereabouts, his money--everything. He should be willing to do anything to convince you. You should both get IC.

As for wanting to be intimate...we call it hysterical bonding (HB) and it's very very normal. Might as well enjoy it without shaming yourself.

You can also wait before really committing to R. Start by withdrawing some and watching to see if he is actually NC. R is a GIFT. It is not a given. You have a choice here, and a lot of power. Don't ever forget that. Put yourself in the drivers seat and stay there.

[This message edited by norabird at 2:05 PM, April 20th (Sunday)]


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4203 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
tremble
♀ 43170
Member # 43170
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, April 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The VAR (voice activated recorder right) sounds good. I know where I can hide it too. But that seems so deceitful, I don't know if that's me. But I like that and a key logger. On both computers. We went for a short drive. Just to get out of the house. No deep conversation or any thing just being out in the sun and seeing everything bloom. We have decided that friends and family do not need to know anything at this time. It would only complicate things and I don't want to be having a good day and someone bring it up when I'm taking a mental break. Oh and we stopped at a store and got me a pretty journal and some cool pens. He's fixing some food for us right now. We've been living on soda and tums all weekend. I'm back to work tomorrow. Not looking forward to that. I really appreciate everyones support. Feeling slightly saner right now.


You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf. Joseph Campbell

Posts: 74 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: United States
DTERMINED2SURVIV
♀ 42294
Member # 42294
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, April 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Glad to hear your feeling better. Something that really helped me was writing EVERYTHING. Even if it was just a sentence. Sometimes I didnt feel like talking about things with him (say, we were having a great day and I didnt want to ruin the mood because I triggered) So I would just write it. Just getting it out of my head and putting it somewhere helped me clear my thoughts to focus on things at hand. Whether you want to do long journal enteries of short stuff like that, it all helps. Im sure you know, you will have good days and bad days, but you'll always have support here and people who understand!




Posts: 272 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Where theres lots of southern HOEspitality
bigskyblues
♂ 36759
Member # 36759
Default  Posted: 4:44 AM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tremble, welcome to SI you have come to the right place. In reading your post everything you feel is perfectly normal in the very abnormal situation. You sound like you have tried very hard to be a good partner and build a good life. Guess what you are a good partner, this is not about you. For me that was the hardest realization to get to. I may not have been a perfect husband but I was a good husband and a great dad.

Since this has happened with him before (previous m) I would make a couple observations/suggestions. First, you can't believe anything they say right now, trust your gut instincts. Second, don't get in a hurry on decisions.On the surface it sounds like he wants to try to make things right, but be prepared (keep your eyes and ears open, trust is a long ways off)for him to fail.Third, since this isn't his first time realize he is broken and he will need to fix himself, and that requires work, counseling etc. This is much more complex than saying the right words. Don't even worry about the words so much as watch what his actions are.Realize if he doesn't actually fix what caused him to do this odds are he will do this again.

Last, don't worry about what everyone else is telling you. This is your life you will eventually get through this, and unless they have walked in your specific shoes they don't have a clue. The people here on SI have walked in those shoes they will be here to help when you need it, we are also here to just listen when you need that!

BSB


BH 50s
xWW 50s

Dday1 7-2012
Dday2 8-2012
Divorce 9-2012

4 kids all adults.

Married 22+ years.

I have moved on and life is good!


Posts: 273 | Registered: Sep 2012
ShiningAutumn8
42558
Member # 42558
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would rethink the decision to not tell any friends or family. Its not that you have to tell them all or anything, HOWEVER it is often recommended that the wayward spouse meet some sort of consequence for his choices. Of course his choice would be to not tell anyone! But it might be worth telling a close family member or friend so that he can experience the shame that comes hand in hand with his choices AND so that you can have some support in life.

I'm not saying it should be done as a punishment, but just as a natural consequence of his action.

Ultimately it is up to you whom you want to tell. I'm just saying, dont make the mistake of 1) not telling someone when deep down you might want to, b/c you are worried about your "image" being tarnished; and 2) not telling someone when deep down you might need to, b/c HE thinks its the best course of action.

If you reads threads about "to tell or not to tell" you will see the resounding response of those who told others (ie a close family member, a friend) is that they were so glad that they did.

If you find any instance of contact between them still going on, then I would definitely reconsider the decision to keep this quiet. Exposure of the affair (even just to one person) can be a very powerful tool in breaking the WS out of the affair fog and destructing the fantasy/secretive element of the Affair.

HUGS


Posts: 522 | Registered: Feb 2014
norabird
♀ 42092
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good luck with work today tremble. Take breaks if you need to to go cry in the bathroom, but the distraction can be a blessing.

I know it feels deceitful to track him secretly. But, it is a reaction to his behavior, and it will help protect you. Don't open yourself up to more deception right now--please, the consequences of being lied to again right now are so hard to bear if down the road you realize you trusted him without cause. the saying goes, trust, but verify. And if he knows what methods you have to double-check his truthfulness those measures will no longer protect you.

The thing is, your partner has proven that he does not have your best interests in mind. You have to act to defend those interests yourself given that.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4203 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
krispy47
♀ 42863
Member # 42863
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hugs, honey. You are not losing your mind, you are simply having a very normal reaction to a very abnormal event. Hang in there, and focus on taking care of yourself as best you can.

I am so sorry to point this out, but I don't believe that you have the full story even now.

Then I get the FULL story. it's been physical for about a year with texts/emails about 4-6 months before that. he would go over to her house about once a month (he says) after I had gone to bed. Says he was only over there for 30-45 minutes each time and that half the time they didn't have sex because he couldn't get an erection.

This ^^^ sounds like the kind of crap that all WSs tell us when they get caught. You are dealing with an experienced serial cheater. My guess is that there is more ugliness to uncover. Don't believe anything he says unless you can verify it yourself. I know it's not what you want to hear, but there it is.

I WILL agree with what other have said above about taking your time making any decisions. Your head is spinning right now, and will continue to do so. It's OK to feel whatever feel and do whatever you need to do (without hurting anyone) until you can think straight again.

[This message edited by krispy47 at 10:22 AM, April 21st (Monday)]


Me: 47 WH: 48
Married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus rising ONS body count
Status: currently riding the coaster from hell

Posts: 107 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Virginia
tremble
♀ 43170
Member # 43170
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So worked sucked. I could make it an hour and then go to the bathroom and cry. Got my work done though so yipee (small victories count). I had a really angry spell right after lunch. Texted him to ask what he was doing and he said "just hanging out here at home". That made me so mad. How could he be just hanging out at home when my world is shattered?! It was a poor choice of words on his part. I ended up hiding in the bathroom for about 30 minutes to try to calm down enough to finish the day. I hate what this is turning me into. i don't want to become that hyper-vigilant, obsessive, angry person I was with exhusband. I worked so long and hard to be who I am now.
I do have one friend who knows about this. She is one of the most loving and least judgmental people I know. She knows and loves both of us. And shes willing to give hugs OR a** beatings as needed.
I've decided to add a key logger to both computers and to his phone. I'm checking mileage on both cars daily.
As for uncovering more ugliness I know that's probably true but can I handle that right now?


You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf. Joseph Campbell

Posts: 74 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: United States
Bonnie24
♀ 43156
Member # 43156
Default  Posted: 5:35 AM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just found out that my husband was with a man, according to him only once. He has cried like I have never seen before and wants to do everything that your H wants to do! I also feel like I need to be intimate with him too! Don't get me wrong I hate and love him at the same time. It is really hard for him to focus, he is getting tested for everything and is worried he had aids. Good thing is we were not together after that. I'm glad that there is this place to get through things. Some is difficult to hear but is necessary. Right now I choose to be with him, but unsure if his test is not good????? I find that holding hands and hugs r good for now! We need to be strong! We r not telling family or friends either... He is not gay, we don't need judgement. Thank y

Posts: 12 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
Bonnie24
♀ 43156
Member # 43156
Default  Posted: 5:38 AM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just found out that my husband was with a man, according to him only once. I believe him. He has cried like I have never seen before and wants to do everything that your H wants to do! I also feel like I need to be intimate with him too! Don't get me wrong I hate and love him at the same time. It is really hard for him to focus, he is getting tested for everything and is worried he had aids. Good thing is we were not together after that. I'm glad that there is this place to get through things. Some is difficult to hear but is necessary. Right now I choose to be with him, but unsure if his test is not good????? I find that holding hands and hugs r good for now! We need to be strong! We r not telling family or friends either... He is not gay, we don't need judgement. Thank you for sharing your story... It is how I feel.

Posts: 12 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
norabird
♀ 42092
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand being scared of learning the full truth. But thinking you have the full truth only to have more revelations come over time is its own hell. Tell him you need a timeline, and please please try to detach right now to give yourself space to heal and see things more clearly.

Also know that the changes in character are likely to be temporary and a result of trauma. You are still you underneath your anger; it's a normal reaction, but should pass. Congrats on getting your work done at least!

(((tremble)))


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4203 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
pessimisticynic
♀ 43193
Member # 43193
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is in response to Bonnie24, just keep an eye out and protect your heart. Sometimes we want to believe what we want, but can't believe the truth. I wish you gentleness and kindness in your situation, and I hope that it's not more. Sadly, tip of the iceberg is a saying for a reason, and hopefully he's not hiding anything else or behind a lie that it was a one time thing. Sadly, there are few things people try only once and never again. I hope that is so in your case.

Posts: 12 | Registered: Apr 2014
pessimisticynic
♀ 43193
Member # 43193
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tremble, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Understand that even if you love him, this woman was the reason his first marriage failed. The SAME woman. My WBF is great at our day to day life but terrible because of his other life. The one where he has sex any chance he gets when I'm not around. It's sad to say it, but it's the truth. It can be 98% perfect, it's just that last 2% that really defines the relationship. Unfortunately for both of us we're dealing with the consequences of them, who had a great time while we suffer. Your situation is more tender because of children so weigh your decisions carefully, but know that someone somewhere understands the pain.

Posts: 12 | Registered: Apr 2014
tremble
♀ 43170
Member # 43170
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all so much. Bonnie24 thank you for your story. And thank you Norabird for reminding me I am still me. Pessimisticynic you are right. That last 2% is what makes or breaks it. I'm not willing YET to throw away 7 years. We have a home and a family and a life. My son is as close to him (maybe closer) than he is to his father. I'm not giving up yet but damn I wish he had been the man I thought he was. Maybe he can work hard enough to be that man. Time will tell. He's going for STD testing tomorrow and we go for first counseling session Thursday. I don't understand what this girl gives him that apparently other people don't. We live in a small town so I know this girl. She really is crazy. Bipolar with some borderline personality thrown in. She makes a wreck of her own life over and over and it's always someone else's fault. I don't know if it's that extreme neediness she has that pulls at him or what. So far phone records and mileage are ok. He checks in with calls and texts constantly. I woke up last night to him laying in bed beside me crying. I want to think (he says) its because of how badly he messed up and hurt me. Part of me is really afraid it's because he misses her.


You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf. Joseph Campbell

Posts: 74 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: United States
Topic Posts: 22
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