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how to stop hoping?

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Virginiagirl posted 4/20/2014 15:06 PM

I feel like I am sabotaging myself. Almost a year post dday, and 4 months after a short, false R, I still am waiting for some miracle that will make this all go away.

WH is sometimes saying things that make it clear that on some level, he is hoping for another (3rd!!) chance. But his method is just to be nice (admittedly, an accomplishment for him) and helpful, etc. Not putting himself out there much, certainly not professing his love for me much.
I get sad because he seems so aloof and distant. I find myself hoping to hear from him. All while knowing deep down he won't ever change enough to be able to be the man I would need him to be in order to overcome the past years of lies and jerking my heart around. He feels genuine guilt but that's not enough. I know this…yet…
I don't even know what I want right now. I want this to stop weighing me down every minute of every day. I want to know if it's the same for him or if he's moving on.
I hate weekends.

Harriet posted 4/20/2014 15:17 PM


I know exactly what you are feeling. Even after 2 years I can still feel it when my ex is being especially nice. But here is the thing to remember: if he is being nice to you, it is because of something HE needs to get out of it. If you guys are nice to each other, then he can think he's not so bad. But I know how it is to hope it's more, and to try to read into it more than is there.

Since he cheats, he is probably very good at compartmentalizing things, but the guilt will still weigh on him sometimes (it must, right?). My ex once gave me a look of longing, staring at me and not looking away...and then got in the car with OW. Not fair to me, not fair to her.

Virginiagirl posted 4/20/2014 15:23 PM

You're so right. I have noticed that he often seems the most distraught/apologetic right before or after trips when I think he's seeing her.

I guess I'm also looking for some of my own ego kibbles, when I shouldn't be trying to get them from him anymore. His kibbles are poisoned by his own motives now.

norabird posted 4/20/2014 16:50 PM

It's hard. But, I think what you say about your own ego kibbles is astute. You need to will your thoughts away from the hope of love/affection/comfort/familiarity etc coming from your WH, and to redirect that energy toward yourself and your interests. It's like retraining your brain. Not easy....but possible. For instance, wanting him to feel what you do, or wanting to know what he thinks at all--that's no good. It no longer matters. You can't let yourself focus your energy in that direction.

I struggle with this too,and I'm trying to be more firm with myself. I know that when I give in to thinking about him, whether in anger or longing, it hurts me. It's a habit; like all habits, it can be broken, over time.

He does not deserve even one iota of your energy and care.

Nature_Girl posted 4/20/2014 20:33 PM

After DDay I turned my laser beam of perception inward. He'd finally hurt me enough that I wanted to not be hurt like that again. I began journaling extensively, sharing it with my IC. I began reading books about self-examination, like books about codependency and family of origin issues. I became so focused on healing myself, it filled the void that had previously been filled with false hope.

My wish for you is a similar journey. To figure your own shit out so you know what's worth hoping for or not.

nekorb posted 4/20/2014 20:56 PM

I still am waiting for some miracle that will make this all go away.

The miracle is called acceptance.

For me, accepting that my marriage is over was a huge turning point in moving beyond feeling stuck.

It's not making it hurt any less. But I at least feel like at some point, there is going to be an end to this and I can start to rebuild.

PurpleRose posted 4/20/2014 21:40 PM

^ditto to acceptance.

I can still remember the day I finally FINALLY realized his priorities were fucked, and he was not coming back to me. I accepted it was over and told him to plan his exit cause I was done.

I took back control of ME and my life. It is a day I won't forget. Take back your control- not of him or his thinking- but of you. It is the acceptance that sets you free.

Imissmyhusb posted 4/20/2014 22:12 PM

^^^ This is what i need to do. Accept the facts - he is gone and i cant love him enough for him to want to be here with me as my husband

Its so sad

one2ndchance posted 4/20/2014 22:47 PM

I want to know if it's the same for him or if he's moving on.

It is NOT the same for him. He is INCAPABLE of being the kind of man you want. He is not wired that way. It is not in his DNA.

Keep telling yourself this. The more you reinforce this kind of thinking, the closer you get to acceptance.

SBB posted 4/21/2014 00:00 AM

I want to know if it's the same for him or if he's moving on.

Gently, he moved on well before DD. Perhaps even before you realised there was a problem in your M. He has been systematically detaching himself from you - how else do you think these waywards can live with what they're doing/have done?

Remember, the biggest lies are the ones they tell themselves.

It takes a while to reach acceptance. For me accepting that this was and always will be a dealbreaker for me coincided with acceptance that the man I thought I married never really existed. I hit rock bottom at that time - I never want to feel even a fraction of that pain in my life ever again. Rock bottom was also the genesis of my healing.

My advice is the same advice I always give. Stop giving that parasite access to mindfuck you. Stop talking to him. It is the only way to detach. Detachment is essential to healing. You simply cannot heal without detachment.

Have a good, long hard look at this guy you are pining for. Not who you thought he was or who you think he can be by who he actually is.

You deserve better. So much better.

Limbo hell is, well, hell. Absolute hell. Even if you're the only one in limbo. You're not the only one seeing messages and signs in every little interactions. I did too. Every kindness made me think he was about to wake up. Every ugly action made me think he was clearly hurting.

Truth is I was wrong. He had detached from me long before setting an atom bomb off in our M. I never stood a fighting chance. He was always going to cheat on his wife - I was just unlucky to have been the poor sod married to him.

Keepcalm posted 4/21/2014 09:28 AM

I struggle with this too. Even now I keep thinking why is he throwing away our 30 year marriage and our financial security. I have to beat down "hope" when it arises because it keeps me stuck. Hope is an insidious thing that I keep allowing to hurt me. I keep seeing my husband as the young man I fell in love with and not the ahole he turned out to be.

deena posted 4/21/2014 10:03 AM

MY wh has sucked me into his little web so many times by these "nice" moments and I fell for it with hope.

After falling for it too many times it has hardened me and I am now good at not falling for it. I may still feel some sadness for what could have been......but no feelings of hope remain.

Don't be hard on yourself for falling for these little acts of his. Just work harder at turning away. Maybe you will get enough response from this post to give your mind something else to think of when he does these things.


jj21 posted 4/21/2014 18:03 PM

I still am waiting for some miracle that will make this all go away.

Me too.

All while knowing deep down he won't ever change enough to be able to be the man I would need him to be in order to overcome

Me too.

I don't even know what I want right now. I want this to stop weighing me down every minute of every day.

Oh god - me too!!!

I hate weekends.

Used to love them, but now I hate them too.

I'm sorry. I have no advice. Sounds like you and I are in pretty much the same place - the sickening land of limbo.

LearningToRun posted 4/21/2014 23:40 PM

I held onto hope for a really long time.

It took me finding out that all the things I took as hopeful signs meant absolutely nothing to him but a stroke to his ego. I thought it was good signs, he thought " awesome I have all these chicks that want me" and nothing more.

It hurt, but it was my turning point as others have said. At that point, I gave up hope and turned the focus on me. My life rapidly improved, and I mean rapidly.

Part of it takes time, and part of it is a conscious decision to give up that hope.

I no longer feel sad or lament it. He willingly gave up a loving wife who would do anything to make him happy. He never deserved me.

Klove posted 4/22/2014 19:26 PM

I don't hope for him in the sense that I want him back. Ugh- I don't.
But I also don't want THIS.
As I said goodbye to my children for 3 days today I was ENRAgED! I didn't sign up for this!!! I stayed loyal and tried to R and my payment is losing my kids for a few days at a time because of his mistakes?
Im in the weird not wanting to go back but not wanting some parts of this new life. Right now it's shit.

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