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Newest Member: meepsy (46028)

User Topic: how to stop hoping?
Virginiagirl
♀ 41656
Member # 41656
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, April 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel like I am sabotaging myself. Almost a year post dday, and 4 months after a short, false R, I still am waiting for some miracle that will make this all go away.

WH is sometimes saying things that make it clear that on some level, he is hoping for another (3rd!!) chance. But his method is just to be nice (admittedly, an accomplishment for him) and helpful, etc. Not putting himself out there much, certainly not professing his love for me much.
I get sad because he seems so aloof and distant. I find myself hoping to hear from him. All while knowing deep down he won't ever change enough to be able to be the man I would need him to be in order to overcome the past years of lies and jerking my heart around. He feels genuine guilt but that's not enough. I know this…yet…
I don't even know what I want right now. I want this to stop weighing me down every minute of every day. I want to know if it's the same for him or if he's moving on.
I hate weekends.


Me- BS-43
Him-WS-42
Married 15 years, living together 20
DDay May 2013
TT ongoing
2 kids, 10 & 15
OW- old girlfriend from High School, and now umpteen stupid groupie local ho-bags

We are done.


Posts: 180 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: utah
Harriet
♀ 34543
Member # 34543
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, April 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((virginiagirl)))

I know exactly what you are feeling. Even after 2 years I can still feel it when my ex is being especially nice. But here is the thing to remember: if he is being nice to you, it is because of something HE needs to get out of it. If you guys are nice to each other, then he can think he's not so bad. But I know how it is to hope it's more, and to try to read into it more than is there.

Since he cheats, he is probably very good at compartmentalizing things, but the guilt will still weigh on him sometimes (it must, right?). My ex once gave me a look of longing, staring at me and not looking away...and then got in the car with OW. Not fair to me, not fair to her.


D-Day Spring 2008
3 years false R
Divorce Final 6/7/12

Posts: 563 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: California
Virginiagirl
♀ 41656
Member # 41656
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, April 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're so right. I have noticed that he often seems the most distraught/apologetic right before or after trips when I think he's seeing her.

I guess I'm also looking for some of my own ego kibbles, when I shouldn't be trying to get them from him anymore. His kibbles are poisoned by his own motives now.


Me- BS-43
Him-WS-42
Married 15 years, living together 20
DDay May 2013
TT ongoing
2 kids, 10 & 15
OW- old girlfriend from High School, and now umpteen stupid groupie local ho-bags

We are done.


Posts: 180 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: utah
norabird
♀ 42092
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, April 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's hard. But, I think what you say about your own ego kibbles is astute. You need to will your thoughts away from the hope of love/affection/comfort/familiarity etc coming from your WH, and to redirect that energy toward yourself and your interests. It's like retraining your brain. Not easy....but possible. For instance, wanting him to feel what you do, or wanting to know what he thinks at all--that's no good. It no longer matters. You can't let yourself focus your energy in that direction.

I struggle with this too,and I'm trying to be more firm with myself. I know that when I give in to thinking about him, whether in anger or longing, it hurts me. It's a habit; like all habits, it can be broken, over time.

He does not deserve even one iota of your energy and care.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4235 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Nature_Girl
♀ 32554
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 8:33 PM, April 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After DDay I turned my laser beam of perception inward. He'd finally hurt me enough that I wanted to not be hurt like that again. I began journaling extensively, sharing it with my IC. I began reading books about self-examination, like books about codependency and family of origin issues. I became so focused on healing myself, it filled the void that had previously been filled with false hope.

My wish for you is a similar journey. To figure your own shit out so you know what's worth hoping for or not.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJgjyDFfJuU

Posts: 10138 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
nekorb
♀ 40306
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, April 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I still am waiting for some miracle that will make this all go away.

The miracle is called acceptance.

For me, accepting that my marriage is over was a huge turning point in moving beyond feeling stuck.

It's not making it hurt any less. But I at least feel like at some point, there is going to be an end to this and I can start to rebuild.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
PurpleRose
♀ 33129
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 9:40 PM, April 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^ditto to acceptance.

I can still remember the day I finally FINALLY realized his priorities were fucked, and he was not coming back to me. I accepted it was over and told him to plan his exit cause I was done.

I took back control of ME and my life. It is a day I won't forget. Take back your control- not of him or his thinking- but of you. It is the acceptance that sets you free.


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3631 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
Imissmyhusb
♀ 42734
Member # 42734
Default  Posted: 10:12 PM, April 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^^ This is what i need to do. Accept the facts - he is gone and i cant love him enough for him to want to be here with me as my husband

Its so sad


Married '03 - multiple ddays and TT
3 kids
me - sahm since '07, him - idk him any more
~~~~~~~~~
I dont know why I stay. Need to figure it out

Posts: 294 | Registered: Mar 2014
one2ndchance
♀ 14759
Member # 14759
Default  Posted: 10:47 PM, April 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want to know if it's the same for him or if he's moving on.

It is NOT the same for him. He is INCAPABLE of being the kind of man you want. He is not wired that way. It is not in his DNA.

Keep telling yourself this. The more you reinforce this kind of thinking, the closer you get to acceptance.


Me: BW 60
Him: STBXWH 62
Married: 25 years
DDay1: 2/2002; DDay2: 6/2012
Gave him his second chance and he blew it.
Divorce final: 9/2014

Posts: 486 | Registered: May 2007 | From: California
SBB
♀ 35229
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 12:00 AM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want to know if it's the same for him or if he's moving on.

Gently, he moved on well before DD. Perhaps even before you realised there was a problem in your M. He has been systematically detaching himself from you - how else do you think these waywards can live with what they're doing/have done?

Remember, the biggest lies are the ones they tell themselves.

It takes a while to reach acceptance. For me accepting that this was and always will be a dealbreaker for me coincided with acceptance that the man I thought I married never really existed. I hit rock bottom at that time - I never want to feel even a fraction of that pain in my life ever again. Rock bottom was also the genesis of my healing.

My advice is the same advice I always give. Stop giving that parasite access to mindfuck you. Stop talking to him. It is the only way to detach. Detachment is essential to healing. You simply cannot heal without detachment.

Have a good, long hard look at this guy you are pining for. Not who you thought he was or who you think he can be by who he actually is.

You deserve better. So much better.

Limbo hell is, well, hell. Absolute hell. Even if you're the only one in limbo. You're not the only one seeing messages and signs in every little interactions. I did too. Every kindness made me think he was about to wake up. Every ugly action made me think he was clearly hurting.

Truth is I was wrong. He had detached from me long before setting an atom bomb off in our M. I never stood a fighting chance. He was always going to cheat on his wife - I was just unlucky to have been the poor sod married to him.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5733 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Keepcalm
♀ 36234
Member # 36234
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I struggle with this too. Even now I keep thinking why is he throwing away our 30 year marriage and our financial security. I have to beat down "hope" when it arises because it keeps me stuck. Hope is an insidious thing that I keep allowing to hurt me. I keep seeing my husband as the young man I fell in love with and not the ahole he turned out to be.


BS Me 57
WS Him 55
Married 30 yrs
DDay 1/28/2012
I have no idea what is going on

Posts: 184 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Virginia
deena
♀ 27275
Member # 27275
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MY wh has sucked me into his little web so many times by these "nice" moments and I fell for it with hope.

After falling for it too many times it has hardened me and I am now good at not falling for it. I may still feel some sadness for what could have been......but no feelings of hope remain.

Don't be hard on yourself for falling for these little acts of his. Just work harder at turning away. Maybe you will get enough response from this post to give your mind something else to think of when he does these things.

(((((((Virginiagirl)))))))))


Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's
better to leave them broken than to hurt
yourself putting it back together.


Posts: 3195 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Canada
jj21
♀ 38992
Member # 38992
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I still am waiting for some miracle that will make this all go away.

Me too.

All while knowing deep down he won't ever change enough to be able to be the man I would need him to be in order to overcome

Me too.

I don't even know what I want right now. I want this to stop weighing me down every minute of every day.

Oh god - me too!!!

I hate weekends.

Used to love them, but now I hate them too.

I'm sorry. I have no advice. Sounds like you and I are in pretty much the same place - the sickening land of limbo.


Posts: 36 | Registered: Apr 2013
LearningToRun
♀ 31353
Member # 31353
Default  Posted: 11:40 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I held onto hope for a really long time.

It took me finding out that all the things I took as hopeful signs meant absolutely nothing to him but a stroke to his ego. I thought it was good signs, he thought " awesome I have all these chicks that want me" and nothing more.

It hurt, but it was my turning point as others have said. At that point, I gave up hope and turned the focus on me. My life rapidly improved, and I mean rapidly.

Part of it takes time, and part of it is a conscious decision to give up that hope.

I no longer feel sad or lament it. He willingly gave up a loving wife who would do anything to make him happy. He never deserved me.


Posts: 347 | Registered: Feb 2011
Klove
♀ 42096
Member # 42096
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't hope for him in the sense that I want him back. Ugh- I don't.
But I also don't want THIS.
As I said goodbye to my children for 3 days today I was ENRAgED! I didn't sign up for this!!! I stayed loyal and tried to R and my payment is losing my kids for a few days at a time because of his mistakes?
Im in the weird not wanting to go back but not wanting some parts of this new life. Right now it's shit.


"But stand still is all I did
Love like ours is never fixed
Still I stuck around
I did behave
I saved you every time
I was a fool for love
I was a fool for love"

Posts: 294 | Registered: Jan 2014
Topic Posts: 15

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