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Kisabiotch posted 4/20/2014 15:42 PM

I just found out about my H EA on April 17th and I am looking for some support. I had ideas something was up but when he left his facebook chat open after he left for work I discovered the truth. He had been flirting and talking with a girl he works with. I also found love notes he wrote to her in his phone. I am experiencing all kind of emotions today. We have our first C apt tomorrow and I am eager to see how it goes. I confronted the girl via message as soon as I discovered it and of course she down played it. I honestly don't know how I replied to her but today I have an overwhelming need to message her again letting her know I think she is full of it! Anyway Im new to this and don't know how it works so feel free to ask away. We have been married for 17 years I am 42 and he I 49. We began having problems about a year ago and I basically put my head in the sand to it all.. I kind of lost a zest for life and we began to drift apart. I know that doesnt excuse what he did he should have come to me, but at least I have a starting point.

kansas1968 posted 4/20/2014 16:12 PM

Just wanted you to know that you have been heard. You are starting on a long, painful journey, but someone will always be here to listen and talk to you. So, so, sorry you are in such pain, but we all know how much it hurts and will try to help you. Keep posting and read the healing library articles. That will help a lot. Hugs...

simplydevastated posted 4/20/2014 16:22 PM

I'm sorry you find yourself here, but know you're in the right place.

EA's hurt just as bad as any other type of infidelity.

It's not unusual for the WS or even the AP to downplay the affair. If I were you I would keep digging. If you found FB chats and love notes on his phone there could be more. I hope for your sake there isn't more.

Keep posting, it helps.

Jrazz posted 4/20/2014 16:24 PM

Welcome to SI. I'm sorry you find yourself in this position, but you have come to a great place for support.

Gently, your story reminds me a lot of how mine started out. Please protect yourself and hold off on sex until you have irrefutable proof that it's only EA. My FWH is completely remorseful now and has done a lot of work, but it took a while for him to admit to a PA and my health was potentially at risk the whole time. This May or may not apply to you, but remember that you are not obliged to accept is verbal "reassurances" a his phase in the game.

Take care of yourself - read through our healing library, and keep posting. Weekends are slow, and holiday weekends can be very quiet, but more members will be along soon to offer support. We are here for you. Sending big hugs.

Kisabiotch posted 4/20/2014 16:29 PM

Thank you Kansas!!! It is painful and not a pain I would wish on anybody. I was doing so well and feeling so strong Fri and Saturday then today not so much. We have 2 daughters who are 20 and 15 . Although he has taken responsibility for what he has done I don't feel like I am getting any understanding or empathy from him. I'm not sure if it's bc it's still so new or maybe him trying to come with terms that he what he did was wrong . I don't know, all I know is that the flashback of images I read come at the oddest times. Going to sleep at night sucks and so does waking up to the reality that this happened . He is a police officer so it's even harder bc if he gets tied up on something he won't make it home his normal time. I have asked that he call and so far he has but it doesn't stop the doubt . Thank you for your encouraging words

Kisabiotch posted 4/20/2014 16:33 PM

Thank you every one for the welcome I have already done some reading before I even registered.

ThoughtIKnewYa posted 4/20/2014 16:52 PM

I don't feel like I am getting any understanding or empathy from him. I'm not sure if it's bc it's still so new or maybe him trying to come with terms that he what he did was wrong .
This happens frequently. It happened to me and I know how hard it is to look into your H's eyes and see... nothing. *sigh*

OW works with him? Is she another officer or is she dispatch or some other administrative position? If he's in daily contact with her, it's going to be really tough for him to come out of what we call "the fog". As long as that's going on, it will be nearly impossible for him to show empathy to you.

Read through all of the topics on this page:

Keep posting. I'm sorry you had to find us, but we'll help you through this and we're all living proof that you WILL survive this. Welcome to SI.

Kisabiotch posted 4/20/2014 17:03 PM

No he doesn't work with her on a daily basis. He works an extra job at a bank where she is a tellar. So he only has to see her once a week for about an hour . I would love for him to leave this job but it's just not financialy feesable at this time.

OakStreet posted 4/20/2014 18:37 PM

Don't give her the satisfaction of contacting her again.

Good luck with your spouse!

Hopefully this is a simple fix.

kansas1968 posted 4/20/2014 22:04 PM

"We began having problems about a year ago and I basically put my head in the sand to it all.. I kind of lost a zest for life and we began to drift apart. I know that doesnt excuse what he did he should have come to me, but at least I have a starting point."


Affairs don't usually happen in a vacuum. There are usually some issues in the marriage, I know there were in mine. But a bit of caution here. He needs to rebuild your trust and you need to believe he is serious about reconcilliation before you can start dealing with those issues. He needs to know that no matter what was going on in your marriage that it was wrong, wrong, wrong, to have an affair.

Then can begin the painful journey of taking responsiblity for some of the problems in your marriage. I always tell my husband, Yes, I was partially responsible for you not being happy, but you took the wrong path to fix it. He took the easiest and most fun path. Path of least resistance and let the fantasy begin.

Now, looking back, he realizes that the path he took harmed everyone concerned. That was not his intention, but that is what affairs do.

Kisabiotch posted 4/21/2014 06:14 AM

You hit the nail on the head!!! I had almost that same conversation last night with him! At this point I feel like he doesn't get what I'm feeling even though he says he does . I have a tendency to obsess over things and replay them in mind and let the thoughts take over and then I turn to him looking for answers and comfort . I'm still so confused bc it's so new I find myself repeating things . I think I'm looking for that one magical answer that doesn't exist . What he has done has effected our entire household and while I am busy staying strong and reassuring our girls that no matter what we will all be okay he is worried about how much damage this has cost the girls and he should be worried but he doesn't handle multi tasking all that well lol!! Thanks for all the support our first MC appt is this morning at 9 I don't know how it will go but I'm hopeful !thanks again it's nice to have a place where people understand these feelings!!

[This message edited by Kisabiotch at 6:17 AM, April 21st (Monday)]

Kisabiotch posted 4/21/2014 10:20 AM

Well our first MC is done and I was expecting to feel better but I think I feel worse. I just want to run and keep running. I'm so confused . I just want this to all go away I want to be alone I want to cry I don't want to feel anything anymore if I can't feel happiness. God this sucks!!

JustWow posted 4/21/2014 10:37 AM

Everyone's situation is different, but, I would not bother with MC till my H had a good deal of work with IC FIRST.

If you believe the premise that it takes two healthy people to build a healthy relationship, well, then it doesn't make much sense working on the relationships until you feel comfortable that the two individuals are emotionally healthy, or at least working in that direction.

In my experience, as WS is not healthy individual. Whatever the WS thinks their problems are or were, an A is not healthy way to cope with said problems, whether they be individual or in the relationship. So, until the WS can get some solid work done in that direction, what I would expect to hear is a bunch of fog-speak, blame-shifting, minimizing and justifying. Not exactly productive tools to bring to MC.

Just my 2 cents, no charge

Kisabiotch posted 4/21/2014 10:40 AM

You know he didn't really do any of that ! He has taken ownership of what he did and the pain it caused it was just hearing what has gone wrong and the reality of it hitting me that sucked so bad. To think the issues before the A could be what destroys the marriage and not the A is hard for me to grasp.

JustWow posted 4/21/2014 10:44 AM

Well, the A is the nuke bomb to the M, for sure.

But why did he engage in an A? What did he get out of it? Why did he not turn to you for that? What did he tell himself that made it ok? Has he always been a liar, or is this an isolated incident? If this was the "perfect storm" as some folks like to blame the A on, what will he do the next time the storm blows through?

The A is a symptom of the problem in the WS, that symptom causes devastation to the M, no doubt about it, but it all starts with a broken WS.........

Kisabiotch posted 4/21/2014 12:04 PM

I don't know ! I'm so hurt I am going back at 1 for IC bc I'm feeling pretty hopeless right now. I mean how do u let go of the one u love when u still love him? I honestly don't feel like I have the strength to handle these emotions . I know I don't have choice but giving up seems so much easier

Skan posted 4/21/2014 15:32 PM

Hey Kisabiotch, hello! Listen. Try to slow down. Try to breathe. Here's the thing. You do not have to make one darn decision right now. Not one. You don't have to decide if you want to R or not. You don't have to decide if you want to separate or not. You don't have to decide if you want to divorce or not. You don't have to decide right now, at this point in time. All you have to do, is concentrate on yourself. On breathing in and out. On seeing your IC. On taking care of your children. You have no moral imperative to decide a darned thing until you're able to. Right now, it's as if you are in the ICU with a gunshot wound to the head. Now is the time to stabilize and stop the bleeding. Later is the time to decide if you cosmetic surgery to reshape your nose, ok? One step at a time.

We're here for you! (((hugs)))

RippedSoul posted 4/21/2014 18:19 PM

For what it's worth, in my experience, a WH's A taints everything about his M, even pre-A. He may be owning his stuff, but he might still be foggy enough to be re-writing your M--if only to make himself feel better for making the horrible decision that he may (or may not) know that he made. Does that make any sense?

A marriage built on love and with two people committed to making it work can survive just about anything, even infidelity, and thrive. So don't feel too dejected and demoralized about this first MC session. Anything he might have said about how bad your M was/is could have been magnified by multiple factors. The things my husband said . . . Well, it's unbelievable to me that a man as intelligent as he is could have come to those conclusions.

After he confessed to his A, our congregation paid for a handful of MC sessions with my IC--just to stop the bleeding. It DID work. If nothing else, she got him to commit to 6 months of working on the M before making any sort of decision. And since he'd been foggily planning to leave, that hiatus was important. It allowed him to detox and me to stop reeling/panicking. Both of us are in IC; we've not started MC yet although that's definitely a step to take once he's more healed.

[This message edited by RippedSoul at 6:19 PM, April 21st (Monday)]

12yearsloyal posted 4/21/2014 19:34 PM

Skan had a great post here. I agree with everything said. Now is no time to make final decisions on any direction. Just let the fog clear and go from there. I am so new to this and I have just gone thru 40 days of this stuff. I am more clear now than I was 20, 30 days ago. You don't need to rush or commit to anything right now, just collect your thoughts. We are here for you.

Kisabiotch posted 4/22/2014 05:30 AM

Thank you all so much for the kind words and advice!! I know at this point I need to focus on one day at a time and not look to the future . I do believe my H carries a lot of emotional baggage that he needs to work on in IC. I need to breath and think positive .

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